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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not discourage dd too much from telling her school friends about this?

60 replies

endlesstidying · 11/02/2014 18:11

DD's had a problem with a boy bullying her at school hitting her, stealing her things etc.

Today I had to take her to the dentist as she had a terrible tooth pain. To cut a long story short her new tooth was coming through and the baby tooth wasn't coming out to make way for it so it had to go.

DD SCREAMED AND SCREAMED AND SCREAMED even after the local anaesthetic went in. It was awful. She was terrified but it had to be done so I held her hand and encouraged her and tired not to cry myself.

When we went back out to the waiting room bully boy was waiting and it was quite clear he'd heard DD's reaction because he was telling his mum he wouldn't go in and crying himself just at the thought of it. DD had to siti in the waiting room with cotton wool in her mouth and blood drooling down her chin. He was blatently terrified

Now DD has seen him for the coward he is, her tooth pain has gone and she has said several times that if he hits her or threatens her again she'll tell everyone he was a crybaby at the dentist before he'd even gone in! I have told her that that will make him just as bad as he is but not really discouraged her. AIBU?

OP posts:

JumpingJackSprat · 11/02/2014 19:57

Op you should be actually doing something not passively sitting back hoping she sorts this out herself by becoming as bad as him.

hickorychicken · 11/02/2014 20:03

Jumping she is dealing with it through the school, what should she be actually doing?

bodygoingsouth · 11/02/2014 20:04

yep afraid I can't be arsed now to gaff about what causes a bully. I am not at all sure it's to fibeuth low self esteem either. in my view it's because they like it and noone is stopping them.

op if school are useless then you need to go into the playground and have a quiet littie word with the bulky himself. he is 8 not 3, quite old enough to understand a parent threatening him.

bullies respond to strong parents. and tell your dd to punch him hard or kick him in the goolies. it will stop it dead honestly.

with bullies you need firm action not chat. they see that as being soft.

bodygoingsouth · 11/02/2014 20:06

hickory ^^ that's what I have had to do a few times and worked a treat.

for dds they had 2 large older teen brothers who picked them up from school. no bullying after. funny that!

MrsOakenshield · 11/02/2014 20:11

karma, that's what this is.

I reckon he'll leave her alone. And if he tries it on anyone else, one glare from your DD should remind him!

If this was Hollywood they'd become best mates and sail off into the sunset for ever. But it's probably Bognor.

Italiangreyhound · 11/02/2014 20:25

I think the best thing to do is to explain to your dd that if she goes into school and talks about how he behaved at the dentist then he may talk about how she behaved at the dentist.

If she is happy for this to be the case, then let her say what she likes about him if it is true. To be honest I am not sure you can stop her. And personally, I don't think you should.

From what you have said she cried and screamed when receiving dental treatment and he cried at the thought of it! I can totally see why she feels she has something 'on' him! Because she does!

Personally, I would not confront this child in the playground or elsewhere but would push for the school to deal with this issue. If you do not get any assistance go to the governors.

If other children are the victim of this child, would you and other parents stand a better chance of going to the head together. Check out the schools bullying policy at school the office or on line. If they are not doing what they say they will do call them out on it, if their policy is not robust enough or non-existent, call them out on it. Be that pain in the butt person (no offence) who gets a result just because it is easier than dealing with your persistent complaints.

Your other option is your local MP, but you may not need to go that far is you tell the school this is what you plan to do they may deal with this. If I thought I would face being hit by my colleagues at work tomorrow, would I be going into work? Not likely! If I thought they would steal my stuff I would be pretty mad at my boss if he or see failed to do something about it. So if the school fails your dd they are teaching her a crap lesson, that bullies win, and teaching her is their main job so let's hope it isn't crap life lessons!

Good luck.

I expect you have looked on line but here are some links....

kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/emotion/bullies.html

www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Bullies

Helpyourself · 11/02/2014 20:30

What have you done to support your daughter apart from colluding in this flawed and malicious plan?

Pimpf · 11/02/2014 20:34

I wonder if those who talk about what causes a bully to behave in that way have ever been bullied or had to go through their child being bullied.

Op, her seeing him crying might be all it takes to stop him bullying her, or her confidence in knowing that he isn't a tough guy could help. I also see no he
Arm in her warning him that if he carries on she'll let everyone know what he's like, that is not bullying.

Chattymummyhere · 11/02/2014 20:38

I know what I would do at school as the 8 year olds it would go in a whole class chat a bit like

"I went to dentist oh it was horrible I admit I cried but there was blood everywhere and he pulled out my tooth, but when I got out there was this big boy who was sat outside crying about it, he had not even seen the dentist, what a baby"

Bully boy would hear other kids would agree with girl and she has already disclosed her own crying.

But then I was bullied at school and would of loved some ammo to hit back with

cls77 · 11/02/2014 20:39

Your DD won't need to say a word, no need at all :)

hickorychicken · 11/02/2014 20:43

There are some really nasty posts here making out like OP is bad for not wanting her child to be bullied. Ffs get a grip. If this was your dcs you would do the same im sure!!

Italiangreyhound · 11/02/2014 20:56

I do not think there is any conflict between wanting bullying to stop, and doing everything the school can do to end the bullying, and being understanding and helpful to the 'bully'. People may well bully for a number of reasons, maybe because they are being bullied elsewhere (in which case they need some help with that), maybe because they have not been challenged and stopped (in which case they must be challenged), and maybe for a whole host of other reasons.

A school that is tough on bullying is not 'cruel' to a bully, they seek to help them, but first and foremost they must protect those being bullied!

The two things can go hand in hand. Schools can encourage peer mentors and peer support to deal with minor issues before they become big problems and they can teach all kids to look out for each other and not to side with bullies.

I feel sure some kids do side with bullies to avoid being victims themselves. So a school that is 'tough' on the problems related to bullying will be good for those who are bullied and for the bullies, since it will stop their anti-social behaviour.

Sorry if this is disturbing OP, but email this link to the head teacher and then ask for a meeting.....

videosift.com/video/Powerful-French-anti-bullying-ad

Original poster

endlesstidying · 11/02/2014 20:59

helpyourself What have I done?

Talked to head teacher several times
Enrolled her in self defence classes (sadly she hates them but we're trying)
Written to school governors

OP posts:

DangerRabbit · 11/02/2014 21:11

YANBU. Hope this new ammunition helps your daughter no longer get bullied at school

Italiangreyhound · 11/02/2014 21:15

endlesstidying try not to be discouraged, you are doing everything right. If you are not getting the response you need ask to speak to the head. Or speak to teacher one more time and say if nothing sorted you will go to head. My friend had similar problem, teacher could not sort it, she went to the head, and he sorted it. If you head has not done anything make another appointment to see him/her.

Good luck, try not to be discouraged, you are doing all the right stuff.

DarlingGrace · 11/02/2014 21:16

Of course, the boy might go in and rip the shit out of your DD for screaming ....

PissesGlitter · 11/02/2014 21:18

Darling, then ops daughter says 'yeah I cried but you where crying before you even got in the room'
Bully gets served and daughter feels a little better

WorraLiberty · 11/02/2014 21:19

It's a silly idea

The chances are, if everyone else sees him as a 'tough' boy, they wont believe your DD anyway.

That could potentially mean everyone in the school thinks she's a liar.

diddl · 11/02/2014 21:20

I don't see how he's a coward for not wanting to go in when he was in the waiting room & could hear screaming!

It would put anyone off!

Sadly, he'll probably get in first saying that he could hear her when he was in the waiting room.

shallweshop · 11/02/2014 21:32

No I don't think YABU. BUT, if your DD can bring herself to build bridges, she could use the shared experience to try and make friends? If that's completely out of the question then yes, revert to plan A .

kilmuir · 11/02/2014 21:34

How odd, she was screaming so how will he be the baby? Odd

hickorychicken · 11/02/2014 21:35

How is this hard to grasp??
She was screaming WHILST being treated. He was crying before he'd even gone in.

Italiangreyhound · 11/02/2014 21:37

It is not hard to grasp.

I am interested that others have pointed out he may lie etc, so I do think your dd needs to know this. She may not have thought about that and this could add to her sense of injustice.

Innogen · 11/02/2014 21:40

I don't get it? They were both scared?

Innogen · 11/02/2014 21:41

Hickory... I'm not sure 8 year olds will view it that way.

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