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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hurt and angry that DH lied?

60 replies

mindthegap01 · 10/02/2014 11:31

I've recently gone from working full time to starting maternity leave. Although DH still works full time our income is going to be a lot less while I'm off and he made a big thing about us needing to be really careful with money.

I arranged to have someone come and clean the oven last week and DH was not happy, said it was an extravagance we couldn't afford anymore and he'd do it himself. Fair enough - I cancelled it and got a refund.

On Saturday he went out and bought himself a new tool that apparently he's wanted for ages. He's been playing with it ever since (literally like a little boy with his favourite Christmas present ). I asked how much it cost and he said £20 with 10% off as it was ex-display. I said something like "£2 off, lol, better than nothing!" and he agreed.

Washing his jeans this morning I emptied the pockets and found the receipt. £80, not £20. For the record the oven clean would have been £60, which I agree is a lot.

Am I being unreasonable to be really pissed off and upset that he lied? Or is it just that I'm frustrated to suddenly have no money and no adults to talk to most of the time, having until recently done a really demanding job where I felt really valued. Thanks.

OP posts:
bodygoingsouth · 10/02/2014 12:16

£60 is cheap for an oven clean. I paid £120 but have a double oven, hob, hot plate etc, it was bloody brilliant.

Topseyt · 10/02/2014 12:18

I think you are right to accept the apology. He knows he has done wrong.

He has backed down about you paying to have the oven cleaned professionally too. Probably that is because a) he feels guilty, b) it eases his conscience and c) he really wasn't relishing the idea of doing the job himself in the first place and had got cold feet. I would take that too. Win, win. You have what you wanted.

I hope your discussion goes well later.

JeanSeberg · 10/02/2014 12:18

It's irrelevant what it costs to clean an oven.

The point is he thinks he's entitled to spend 80 on what he wants whereas his wife isn't.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 10/02/2014 12:22

Can I just point out that my mention of the oven cleaning gel is for the DH, not for the OP Grin
Spray cleaners can really have a bad effect on you.

Thanks for revealing the gadget OP, my curiosity was frothing.

Original poster
mindthegap01 · 10/02/2014 12:39

He's obsessed with gadgets! It even came in a handy pouch which he was very pleased about and until this morning I thought was endearing!

Thanks for the tip about the gel from Lakeland - maybe for his next birthday!

I've managed to find someone who'll do it for £58 and he is booked! Can't have my mum visiting to meet the new baby and discovering how we really live when it comes to oven cleanliness...

OP posts:
Original poster
mindthegap01 · 10/02/2014 12:40

Didn't realise I'd put all those exclamation marks in. I think I'm going stir crazy. Hmm

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/02/2014 12:41

Before pfb arrives, keep up with colleagues, meet up for an evening out now and then, don't cut yourself off. It doesn't have to be extravagant, go swimming and just laze in the pool. Swap beauty treatments with friends and family.

Do stuff on your own, no clock-watching while you have the opportunity. Go out, do things on impulse, sleep! As well as batch cook and freeze meals.

Thinking about it, if you are 'owed' a treat ask for a Kindle (it's light and you're going to be up in the early hours with a newborn!) or a box set of a favourite series.

Go for a day/night out with DH while you have the energy. In spite of this hiccup you and he are going to be facing a big life change, you need to trust each other.

PS Those bags you drop the oven shelves into and leave overnight are pretty effective.

uc · 10/02/2014 12:53

OP, I agree with all the others - hopefully he's learnt this lesson now!

If I were you, I'd look on Groupon and see if there are any deals on oven cleaning. I've seen offers on there for £20 or so....

Littleen · 10/02/2014 13:05

I think yabu to spend £60 on cleaning an oven - really?!?!
I also think he is being unreasonable for buying such an expensive tool when you need to be careful with money.
I also think that paying for a cleaning service is not an expense for you - it's for all of you!
Serious chat needs to be had.

HarderToKidnap · 10/02/2014 13:47

Yes I agree with above poster, the oven wasn't YOUR expense or whatever. It's a household thing, and I think he was being totally reasonable to say he thought was too expensive, as long as he was prepared to dot himself. How is it related to the gadget? I really wouldnt start to position the oven clean as any sort of treat for you, as in "you got your gadget, so I want my oven cleaned". That's crap, do not take on ownership of that sort of thing or you'll never get rid of it.

If he'd said you can't have those shoes, or that jumper or something that really was for you, and then bought the gadget, HWHBU. But he didn't. Surely how the oven gets cleaned is as much up to him as to you? Now in his mind, he's got his gadget and you've got "your" oven cleaned. The oven is now notionally your responsibility and paying someone else to clean it is a treat for you. Bit of a fail, in my eyes.

petalsandstars · 10/02/2014 13:51

As part of your chat imo I would make sure that you are not expected to cover the shortfall in normal salary out of your own personal savings.

Ime all wages and cb into the joint account, bills out of that account and savings automatically transferred intoa sseparate pot (so you don't miss it)
Then groceries, petrol and children's things paid from out of joint account and take out an equal amount for each of us as fun money. (DH spends his on beer mine on clothes)

Get this sorted out now. There are so many threads on mn where the woman has to budget everything for children from the cb or her own savings whilst the mans income and expenditure remain the same.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 10/02/2014 15:07

It seems what he really means is YOU have to be more careful with money as you aren't earning anymore, whilst he can carry on as normal buying his toys.

YY to that. But even more ridiculous is that oven cleaning counts as "your thing"!

anklebitersmum · 10/02/2014 16:18

I agree on the serious talk required. The oven is NOT a you thing, it's a household item that we all benefit from having thing.

The gadget is a him thing.

If we couldn't afford to have the joint oven cleaned at £60 then we certainly couldn't afford an individual £80 gadget.

Bloody cheek. Cure it now.

Hand him the rubber gloves and the oven spray request your £80 spending money and go out for the day.

Trust me, it works as a wake up call Grin

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 10/02/2014 16:23

I agree the Lakeland stuff is good though DH does it

LouiseAderyn · 10/02/2014 16:27

You do need a proper serious talk. This baby is not just your responsibility - I bet you if he was pg and on leave from work because of it, he would expect to share 'your' money because the baby belongs to the two of you.

Iron this out now before it becomes a big problem. And don't let him act as if he's doing you a favour, either by sharing his income or pulling his weight at home. Cleaning the oven is as much his responsibility as yours - he is not doing it 'for you' he is doing it because it needs cleaning and he is too tight to fork out for professional cleaning!

Personally, I would make him clean it himself and if he thinks it's not too bad then great - that can be his job in future!

As a general rule both people should have access to the same amount of money for personal spending imo.

Take out £80 and buy something you want ( not oven cleaning - that is a household expense, not something for you).

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 10/02/2014 17:25

I agree the Lakeland stuff is good though DH does it

SeaSickSal · 10/02/2014 18:09

People PAY to have their ovens cleaned?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 10/02/2014 18:11

Yes they do. But in London it can cost £90!

JeanSeberg · 10/02/2014 18:17

What's with the faux disbelief at paying someone to clean?

Topseyt · 10/02/2014 18:24

Of course people pay to have their ovens cleaned. Why is that any more surprising than working or busy people paying cleaners to clean their houses?

I usually clean my own oven at home (another vote for the Lakeland gel here, it is fab), but in my other properties, which I rent out, I pay someone to go into them if we get a tenant changeover and clean the ovens in there whilst I do the rest of the cleaning around the place. It makes sense and means I have time to get the rest done.

LindyHemming · 10/02/2014 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LtEveDallas · 10/02/2014 18:30

When we hand back this house we will be paying someone to deep clean it once it is empty. It will probably cost in the region of £300. DH baulked at the cost, but when I pointed out that I would still be at work so the majority of the cleaning would be his deal, he decided that actually £300 was very reasonable. To add our oven to that will be another £50. I'm 90% sure we'll be doing that too.

Glad you got it sorted OP.

EssexGurl · 10/02/2014 18:51

£60 is what you pay round here. I got ours done last year. DH also thought it was unnecessary expense but I got some money from British Gas as an apology for terrible service and used that. DH agreed it looked fabulous afterwards and did backtrack.

Your DH should clean the oven. 1 it will be a killer to do with a bump. 2 the fumes from oven cleaner are noxious. 3 it will show him.

Good luck with the baby.

MadAsFish · 10/02/2014 19:07

Agree about the faux disbelief. I see no problem at all, especially if it's one of those 'can't stand doing it' jobs. I think everyone's got one - mine is floors. I do them, but I bloody hate it.

morethanpotatoprints · 10/02/2014 19:14

YANBU

However, I have to ask why are you both spending money on none essentials when you say you need to be careful with money.
You only cancelled the oven cleaner because your dh complained.
I think you both need to learn the difference between want and need, as your dh said he had "wanted" the tool for a long time.

So, whilst you have a right to be angry he lied to you, you are both as bad as each other and need to come up with a plan or budget.