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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be loathed and sad to turn down a job offer

92 replies

BitsinTatters · 10/02/2014 08:55

I'm just turning down a job offer for a job I really want, with a great firm, team seem lovely... because I can't afford the child care

Feel very deflated and sorry for the poor chaps that offered me the job any way. Feel like I've wasted their time.

OP posts:

MyNameIsKenAdams · 10/02/2014 20:31

How gallant of him to offer 500 towards childcare.

What is your financial set up at the minute - do you have access to money? The money he earns?

InsanityandBeyond · 10/02/2014 21:02

YANBU. Sometimes with childcare costs, it's not a case of 'breaking even' and unless you are lucky enough to have a partner who's salary covers ALL the household expenses, sometimes it IS unaffordable.

I became unexpectedly pregnant with twins (the twins bit was unexpected!) whilst in a job I really liked and with excellent prospects for progression. We already had a DD in school and had planned for 'just one more'. With nursery fees, afterschool care and travel, we would have 'made' around £400 a month from working full time. Another baby's nursery fees at £800 a month (discounted), meant that we would be paying OUT £400 a month and we just could not afford it, let alone with an extra mouth to feed/nappies/clothing etc to pay. Finances were joint anyway and there was no question of DH paying half and me paying half. The numbers still ended up at the same figure!

Sometimes being a SAHM is the only option.

Original poster

BitsinTatters · 10/02/2014 21:53

No I don't have access to his money

He has his account and I have my own

Currently my only income is child benefit and maintenance for my eldest

OP posts:

maddening · 10/02/2014 22:07

could you work 9.30 - 2.30? Avoid paying for wrap round care. CM charge by the hour - but once over 2 preschool is affordable and dc2 will have free hours -make it the preschool next to older dc's school for logistics then if you and dh split the holidays you can avoid a lot of holiday care.

maddening · 10/02/2014 22:10

ps find a cm that does drop offs / pick ups at older dc preschool so you can meet them there when dropping/ picking up dc2 or one closer to home to make drop off and pick up easier.

pandarific · 10/02/2014 22:13

Oh boy. Bits, I don't want to upset you, but seeing as you have three children together and are a family, you not having access to 'his' money is really, really not good. It seems very controlling and that he holds a lot of the power - you should be an equal team.

Asides from that though, I'd seriously consider taking the job on the basis that your earnings will likely go up over time, and your childcare go down. Investment in the future and all that.

JeanSeberg · 10/02/2014 22:14

I'd be seeing a lawyer in your shoes. You'll be much better off when he's having to pay a fair rate of maintenance

It saddens me what some people put up with.

PerpendicularVince · 10/02/2014 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ihavenonameonhere · 10/02/2014 22:23

Wait, are they his kids???

You should have joint accounts and stuff surely??

Original poster

BitsinTatters · 10/02/2014 22:24

No joint account

Anyfucker will be along in a minute I'm sure

OP posts:

pandarific · 10/02/2014 22:33

How's your relationship when money is the conversation topic in general? How do you do your family finances? Can you give us more info? Don't want to generalise, but from what you've said so far the setup seems a bit unbalanced.

Chippednailvarnish · 10/02/2014 22:34

Your DP sounds like a prick.

Why not ask for a higher basic salary and lower commission? At least you could cover the CC and know it won't cost you money to work.

Original poster

BitsinTatters · 10/02/2014 22:39

Panda - we don't really talk about money

OP posts:

kungfupannda · 10/02/2014 22:39

Childcare is a family expense. As a family, longterm, you would be better off with you earning. Your issue isn't the childcare - it's your husband being a tit.

AlbertoFrog · 10/02/2014 22:48

Can I just say, we as a household don't have a joint account (but we do have a joint credit card). Joint accounts are not essential for a partnership, however, talking about money is.

I went part time when DS came along and my share of the household bills was reduced while DH took on the larger share.

OP you really need to sit down with your partner and discuss this. Good luck.

pandarific · 10/02/2014 22:56

You don't necessarily need a joint account, but you do need to talk about how your money is worked out. Have you talked to your partner about the job?

KeatsiePie · 10/02/2014 23:51

Anyfucker will be along in a minute I'm sure This made me snort with laughter.

But ... so you know this arrangement with the money isn't right, then. Not that you have to have a joint account, but it's not reasonable for the childcare to be only your problem. If you and DP sit down and discuss and then decide together to take childcare out of only your income, okay, that's your decision as a couple, but he can't just decide alone that he'll kindly contribute $x and the rest is on you. No more than you could say "Hey DP, I've decided to go back to work. Childcare will cost $1100. I've decided I'll pay $50 of that, the rest is your problem."

I think you should take the job. It sounds like it will make you really happy.

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