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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a little help from DP?!

52 replies

Snicci · 09/02/2014 13:09

You may have seen previous posts where I have asked for advice on post-birth problems. Well this is still ongoing, 5 months after giving birth and I am still waiting on a gynae appointment, I have also been diagnosed with post natal depression.

My DP works full time in a fairly stressful role. After work he has a couple of pints to destress before coming home, which means I have been looking after DD from approx 7am until 730pm on my own, whilst being in quite considerable pain, looking after the house, cooking dinner etc and generally feeling like I never get 5 minutes to rest. DP will come home, expect dinner, watch his tv programs and if DD cried and needs changed, fed, put to sleep it's just assumed I should be the one to do it.

DP has a child from a previous relationship which I dote on and so whatever I can to make her feel apart of the family when we have her.

I never go out and on the rare occasions I have (twice since DD born) I am made to feel guilty.

He went to the pub on fri evening, came home and fell asleep. Yesterday he was there for 4 hours, came home in a disgustingly grumpy mood which resulted in a massive fall out and me and DD staying away for the night.

Now I am being made to feel guilty for walking out, for being 'sad' and struggling to cope.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a little help in the evenings or weekends or when I became a mother should I have accepted that I would have no time to myself and really I should just be getting on with things?

I think I want to leave but I am torn by the guilt of taking his daughter away from him.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 09/02/2014 13:18

Do you have anywhere you could got for just a few nights and take some time out?

My first baby is due in 6 weeks and I often wonder how things will be in the house in terms of how my DH will support me. I have already set out in my mind exactly what I expect and if he doesn't step up to the plate I will have absolutely no qualms in walking out!!!

The earlier this sort of behaviour is addressed the better - it is a very slippery slope if you allow DP to think you will accept what he's doing.

You need to take care of yourself - and a few days away from this guy might be just enough to give you the breathing space to really think about your options Thanks

Glitterfeet · 09/02/2014 13:20

When mine were babies my husband (stressful job) would come straight home from work, then muck in looking after them, getting dinner finished , cleaned up, baby settled, or whatever needed to be done. He made me a cup of tea before he went to work.

Yanbu

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 09/02/2014 13:25

Oh, sweetheart, this is just not right. He's a parent too, he should be taking part of the responsibility, particularly with you being in so much pain Sad

Don't let him make you feel like this is your problem. We all struggle sometimes, and it's ok to need help. It's also ok to need some time to yourself. If he goes to the pub to wind down after work, why shouldn't you have time to relax after a long day of parenting?

Becoming a mother does not mean having to give up everything that made you who you are. He should be stepping up to. And when/if he does, it's not called helping, it's called parenting!

TodayIsAGoodDay · 09/02/2014 13:52

it's not called helping, it's called parenting

Totally agree with this.

You are both parents and while you are at home you are working just as hard as he is at work. He should come home, help you with tea and bedtime so you can both relax together in the evening.

slightlyconfused85 · 09/02/2014 14:17

Yanbu. I would be asking him to come home most evening, perhaps go for drinks after work on a Friday? My DP goes for a drink on a Friday, but barring work emergencies comes home by 6pm most other days so he can bath, dress and do bedtime routine with our DD. Does he think you're not doing much in the day? If so, arrange for him to have her 7am - 7pm for one day and see how he feels when you get home. This may encourage a bit of appreciation for how hard it is to be at home with a young child all day and he may be more likely to help you.

When I was on maternity leave I also prepared dinner most days as my baby slept a lot and I had time to prepare for this. There were days, however, where baby was ill/wouldn't nap/teething/generally difficult and on these days DP would be the one to sort dinner - it was not expected of me. Now we both work (me 4 days) preparing dinner is shared equally during the week.

Do you ever just ask him? As in 'I am tired and trying to do xyz. Please can you deal with the baby as she is crying'. It may work!

Finickynotfussy · 09/02/2014 14:39

I am getting Angry at how often I read this sort of thread on here. Of course YANBU - a good partner would help out and surely the whole point of being together is to help each other out when you are ill/hurt -- with a baby involved too it goes without saying! I am guessing that he must lie to any friends or family who ask him what he does, as anyone decent would be ashamed to admit...nothing. It also sounds, tbh, as though he has a problem with alcohol.

Finickynotfussy · 09/02/2014 14:40

By the way, I don't care how stressful his job is. Looking after an infant while physically damaged cannot be much less stressful. DH and I both did our backs in while DD was little (fortunately not at the same time) and we found it v.difficult but helped each other out - DH took some days off while I was physically unable to lift her in and out of her cot.

paxtecum · 09/02/2014 14:45

I knew a father who used to stay in work reading a book so he would miss tea, bath & bed routines with his DCs.
He told his DW that he was working overtime.

I hope your DP improves.

bodygoingsouth · 09/02/2014 14:45

my dh has a very stressful job too and when the kids were little he wouldn't dream of stopping off dh the pub git a few drinks because he always wanted to come home to us.

sometimes when he had to work latehe would be gutted they the kids were already in bed.

it's not a case of 'helping you' he's a parent now not a kid without responsibilities!!!

he sounds a selfish twat op and very childish.

ladyquinoa · 09/02/2014 16:05

Can the HV come round one evening or ring him during the day? You can explain that you have no support? She can talk to him.

noblegiraffe · 09/02/2014 16:06

What a twat.

Can't he have his destressing alcohol after he has got home, dinner is over and the kids are in bed, like most normal people do (and usually not every night!).

My DH cooked dinner while I was on maternity leave. Cooking dinner with babies around wanting your attention is a pain in the arse. Suggest you keep a freezer full of ready meals for him if cooking is too much, and if he complains, point him in the direction of the kitchen. You are on maternity leave to look after the baby, not him.

ladyquinoa · 09/02/2014 16:06

Ps my DH works long hours in a busy job. He's home helping for an hour with the kids every night. Then does half an hour of jobs (dishwasher, etc)

AskBasil · 09/02/2014 16:10

YABU to expect help.

It would be reasonable to expect him to do his fair share of parenting.

His behaviour is fucking appalling and the sooner women stop seeing this as normal and start seeing it for the sheer selfishness it is, the better.

Does he accept that being a father means he has absolutely no time to himself and is permanently knackered? How much free time does he have? You should have the same amount, there's no reason whatsoever why he should have more than you.

AskBasil · 09/02/2014 16:12

Also using alcohol as a de-stresser, is a really bad idea.

The quickest way to become an alcoholic is to stop using it as a pleasant social lubricant and to start using it as a de-stresser.

What are you entitled to have as a de-stresser?

pianodoodle · 09/02/2014 16:13

YANBU he's being thoughtless and selfish. He also needs to be educated on PND.

DH works all day, comes in and gets on with helping with dinner or playing with the children. He baths the baby while I tidy the kitchen etc... then baths the toddler while I feed the baby.

Jess03 · 09/02/2014 16:20

There isn't any excuse, dh does a stressful job but if he did that more than one night every few weeks it just would be unacceptable. He needs to be sat down by the hv and told he's letting you down.

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2014 16:24

I have to say, I don't understand these fathers who aren't chomping at the bit to get home to see their children.

My DH was always home as early as feasible to see our DC and my DS really misses his children when he's at work.

YANBU OP, and your P is being an arse. It's bad enough he delays coming home in the week, but four hours on a Saturday?? Sorry, but he doesn't want to be a father, does he? (Or a partner for that matter).

grobagsforever · 09/02/2014 16:34

What a waste of space he is! How was he pre-dc? Are you in a position financially to leave? So sorry you are saddled with this man OP.

Littleen · 09/02/2014 21:06
  1. Going out drinking even 'a few pints' every single day is unreasonable and irresponsible.
  2. I second the suggestion to let him look after baby from 7 to 7 one day - if not two in a row! He obviously has no idea at all.
  3. He needs to prioritise his family now, and you need to tell him this. He is not helping you out - he is taking his share of keeping your lives together, and if he is unwilling then you will have to find a different solution. Do talk to him about it.
  4. He needs someone from the outside to tell him about your problems with PND and stuff, as he probably will just put it down as "moaning" if it comes from you. He needs a wake up call!
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 09/02/2014 21:11

So despite his fairly stressful job, he gets to drink every evening, have time off, do no childcare or help you, expect his dinner every night and the house to be clean, and make you feel guilty on the rare occasion you get a break? What do you see him in exactly. He's an arse.

And yes it is called parenting, not helping.

Are you his partner or his maid?

Original poster
Snicci · 10/02/2014 11:32

He feels asthough he has put up with enough of my "sht and that I need to lighten up. How can I? I am going to nip at him when I feel I am a single parent when I shouldn't be. I am going to be miserable when I am feeling down and also sore. He has no clue.

I think he resents me for not having a termination which he tried to get me to have. When he realised I wouldn't, he suggested we could make a go of this as a family, but I feel asthough it's only me trying. I tried to leave but I got burdened with guilt about taking DD away, that I am cruel and was always going to do this and that I should never have let him meet her in the first place Confused

OP posts:
whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 10/02/2014 11:37

I'd have thought a lot of your depression is down to him rather than just being PND.

Writerwannabe83 · 10/02/2014 11:37

If I were you I'd keep a record for a week of how much time he actually spends with his daughter. How many hours a day he spends with her and what exactly he does for her i.e putting her to bed, bathing her, interacting with her, feeding her etc

I would then tally this up at the end of the week and present it to him - just show him how crp his parenting is. Ask him exactly* what it is your are "taking his daughter away from" when it comes to quality time with her father....

Ask him exactly what he does that his daughter would seriously miss out on if you were to leave....

Original poster
Snicci · 10/02/2014 11:44

Apparently it's all in my head with the lack of help. I was away for a week with family with DD (they love a few hours away so I don't have any help on hand), so he had a week to do what he liked aside from work. Came back on the wed, it took until Sat morning before he had even changed a nappy. He has meet bathed her in the 5 months. It's me who doesn't relax until sometimes 11pm because she is teething and I cannot get her to sleep. He offers to walk her in her buggy to settle her (obviously can't drive after pub), but I always feel it's grudgingly or I get racked with guilt causes he's up the next day so I do it.

I just feel burdened with guilt. Burdened I cannot help financially (he is in a big financial mess) and I know all these things don't excuse his behaviour but I just feel pitty at the situation he is in. He feels he may lose his house. So I am going to have to go back to work. I'm made to feel guilty for not giving him a penny towards bills. I'm on SSP. I get this weekly, but it is not much. I don't spend it on myself. I spend it on ensuring the fridge, freezer and cupboards are atleast full of food or buy babies nappies, milk and items of clothing she needs.

Everything our DD has is bought because of me, except gifts and her nursery furniture. So I may not help financially, and I'm greatful he does provide for us, but I help in many other ways.

If it wasn't for me, his DD (from previous marriage) wouldn't have had a single present to open at Xmas, same with ours. I know ours is too young to understand but it isn't the point.

This is my first child and it should be the happiest time of my life, but struggling with the home situation, financial stress he has, waiting on hospital appointments and doing this "alone" with PND is making it utterly miserable.

Sorry to babble on, I guess some will wonder what I am still doing here but I would be torn with the guilt of taking her away from him and I also know he does provide in other ways in which I haven't been able to support her so far, although going back to work I could provide this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snicci · 10/02/2014 11:45

Just re-read that, lots of self pitty amongst auto-correct typos!

OP posts:
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