To expect a little help from DP?!

[Snicci]

You may have seen previous posts where I have asked for advice on post-birth problems. Well this is still ongoing, 5 months after giving birth and I am still waiting on a gynae appointment, I have also been diagnosed with post natal depression.

My DP works full time in a fairly stressful role. After work he has a couple of pints to destress before coming home, which means I have been looking after DD from approx 7am until 730pm on my own, whilst being in quite considerable pain, looking after the house, cooking dinner etc and generally feeling like I never get 5 minutes to rest. DP will come home, expect dinner, watch his tv programs and if DD cried and needs changed, fed, put to sleep it's just assumed I should be the one to do it.

DP has a child from a previous relationship which I dote on and so whatever I can to make her feel apart of the family when we have her.

I never go out and on the rare occasions I have (twice since DD born) I am made to feel guilty.

He went to the pub on fri evening, came home and fell asleep. Yesterday he was there for 4 hours, came home in a disgustingly grumpy mood which resulted in a massive fall out and me and DD staying away for the night.

Now I am being made to feel guilty for walking out, for being 'sad' and struggling to cope.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a little help in the evenings or weekends or when I became a mother should I have accepted that I would have no time to myself and really I should just be getting on with things?

I think I want to leave but I am torn by the guilt of taking his daughter away from him.

Sorry but I can't see anything in your last post to indicate how a)you wouldn't be better off alone and b)how your dd would notice a difference even if she was old enough.

The only thing I can see he provides for you and her is a roof over your heads which you'd get with family or benefits if you left, even without a job. Please please don't go back to work to bail him out. He's a cunt who is all about what he wants. - HIS free time to do what he wants, HIS dd, HIS needs. Nowhere does he do anything that indicates he gives a shit about either of you, and worse than this he belittles everything you do to hold the family together despite your physical and emotional struggles.

A decent man would be there by your side, asking how he can help support you, and coming home to you in the evening because he wants to see you both. Because this is how normal caring people, who value and respect each other, behave. Not belittling the other and watching them struggle while lazing on the sofa and moaning about what a hard day he's had.

Fuck that op. You'd be better off on your own, and your dd wouldn't notice.

Sorry but I can't see anything in your last post to indicate how a)you wouldn't be better off alone and b)how your dd would notice a difference even if she was old enough.

The only thing I can see he provides for you and her is a roof over your heads which you'd get with family or benefits if you left, even without a job. Please please don't go back to work to bail him out. He's a cunt who is all about what he wants. - HIS free time to do what he wants, HIS dd, HIS needs. Nowhere does he do anything that indicates he gives a shit about either of you, and worse than this he belittles everything you do to hold the family together despite your physical and emotional struggles.

A decent man would be there by your side, asking how he can help support you, and coming home to you in the evening because he wants to see you both. Because this is how normal caring people, who value and respect each other, behave. Not belittling the other and watching them struggle while lazing on the sofa and moaning about what a hard day he's had.

Fuck that op. You'd be better off on your own, and your dd wouldn't notice.

Sorry but I can't see anything in your last post to indicate how a)you wouldn't be better off alone and b)how your dd would notice a difference even if she was old enough.

The only thing I can see he provides for you and her is a roof over your heads which you'd get with family or benefits if you left, even without a job. Please please don't go back to work to bail him out. He's a cunt who is all about what he wants. - HIS free time to do what he wants, HIS dd, HIS needs. Nowhere does he do anything that indicates he gives a shit about either of you, and worse than this he belittles everything you do to hold the family together despite your physical and emotional struggles.

A decent man would be there by your side, asking how he can help support you, and coming home to you in the evening because he wants to see you both. Because this is how normal caring people, who value and respect each other, behave. Not belittling the other and watching them struggle while lazing on the sofa and moaning about what a hard day he's had.

Fuck that op. You'd be better off on your own, and your dd wouldn't notice.

Sorry but I can't see anything in your last post to indicate how a)you wouldn't be better off alone and b)how your dd would notice a difference even if she was old enough.

The only thing I can see he provides for you and her is a roof over your heads which you'd get with family or benefits if you left, even without a job. Please please don't go back to work to bail him out. He's a cunt who is all about what he wants. - HIS free time to do what he wants, HIS dd, HIS needs. Nowhere does he do anything that indicates he gives a shit about either of you, and worse than this he belittles everything you do to hold the family together despite your physical and emotional struggles.

A decent man would be there by your side, asking how he can help support you, and coming home to you in the evening because he wants to see you both. Because this is how normal caring people, who value and respect each other, behave. Not belittling the other and watching them struggle while lazing on the sofa and moaning about what a hard day he's had.

Fuck that op. You'd be better off on your own, and your dd wouldn't notice.

Sorry but I can't see anything in your last post to indicate how a)you wouldn't be better off alone and b)how your dd would notice a difference even if she was old enough.

The only thing I can see he provides for you and her is a roof over your heads which you'd get with family or benefits if you left, even without a job. Please please don't go back to work to bail him out. He's a cunt who is all about what he wants. - HIS free time to do what he wants, HIS dd, HIS needs. Nowhere does he do anything that indicates he gives a shit about either of you, and worse than this he belittles everything you do to hold the family together despite your physical and emotional struggles.

A decent man would be there by your side, asking how he can help support you, and coming home to you in the evening because he wants to see you both. Because this is how normal caring people, who value and respect each other, behave. Not belittling the other and watching them struggle while lazing on the sofa and moaning about what a hard day he's had.

Fuck that op. You'd be better off on your own, and your dd wouldn't notice.

So essentially you'd be better off financially AND emotionally if you and DD left?

Your baby can have an independent relationship with him as she gets older and without all these pressures and worry you might find you feel a bit 'lighter' too.

What are the pros (for YOU and DD) for staying vs the pros for leaving?

Apologies for multiple posts. As you can see I feel quite strongly about it!

All I can say is from experience of friends who've split the earlier you do it the better it is for dc as it's just normal for them to have parents that don't live together. You should sit down and have a proper discussion about dividing up responsibilities, if he isn't going to change you have your information. Good luck op

I know you're worried about leaving but I'm not sure what you would be taking your dd away from? He doesn't spend time with her as it is, infact he would have to spend more time with her if you left.

I think you're in a shit situation and need to get out of it for your own sake and your DD's. I can't imagine that he is helping your PND.

Excuse me but what the fuck?

This is not ok. A couple of pints at the pub EVERY night? Does he think it is 1950? What a selfish deluded man. DH is more than welcome to go to the pub after work. But first he comes home and plays with DS, bathes him and unloads dishwasher after dinner.

You poor thing. You have every right to be sad about this.

He is being a rubbish husband and a rubbish dad. Doesn't he want to give her a bath?

I hope you have the means to leave him, at least temporarily. I'm concerned by his actions but more so by the psyche that must be behind them. What is going on in his entitled head.

Yes, the earlier you leave him the better. Your daughter will either grow up and seek a man who is the opposite to him - or she will find one just the same.

You both deserve so much better.

^^ what Onsera said.

Whatever you ultimately decide to do, the current situation paints a really awful example of family life for your dd, and you cannot allow it to continue.

I'm not saying LTB, it may be that he is capable of changing, but you have got to do something to change your current home life.

Snicci, he sounds like my ex. He tried all kinds of vile tactics to get me to have a termination. Then strutted around like he was cock of the North when I found out it was twins.

He went to the pub every day after work and again every weekend. He never lifted a finger to help with feeds or nappies or anything at all because it was all my fault.

I wish I had found the guts to leave him sooner.

Yours isn't being a father. He isn't being a decent husband. He's being a selfish arsehole whose behaviour is very probably contributing to your PND.

I don't see why you should feel guilty if you leave him. He didn't even want to have her in the first place and he spends no time with her and does nothing to take care of her. All he provides is a place to live and you could do that yourself.

My parents split up when I was a baby, I have no recollection of it and actually think it was for the best. I have a very good relationship with my dad despite not growing up with him.

Your partner is a total dick and you will be so much better off without him.

Without sounding like a dick; if he's been 'ok' with not livig with his first DD to the point that he cba to buy her christmas presents himself, what makes you think he'd care about you taking your dd away?

You & your daughter deserve better than him, and I honestly think, from the info given, you'd be better off single.you wouldnt have to wonder what time he's comig home and there would be no pressure from you or him to have the house clean and dinner ready for him, you could live to your own routine.

Really hope your gyane problem is sorted soon...do you think he's extra resentful if it's affecting your sex life?

I got burdened with guilt about taking DD away - from what? If he goes to the pub every day, he practically doesn't see her anyway - and even if he is at home, he doesn't want to be bothered.
I work full time while DH is SAHD and I've cancelled practically everything I used to do after work, because I want to be home to spend some time with my baby. Your DH obviously does not want to do the same. So would your DD even notice if you weren't living together?

Jesus, what a depressing start to the week on MN, what with this twat and the one who's buggering off on a stag do when his wife gives birth to twin (with two older children).

OP - I'd be moving out for a longer period of time, decide what you want to do in the long-term.

Actually I think YABU to expect help from a man who is clearly selfish and a massive dick

But you desperately need help from somewhere. It's hard enough having a baby with a supportive partner and no other issues. Could you move in with family for a bit?

right now I can't see a single reason why you should stick around with this knob-end. He didn't want your child in the first place and he's making no effort whatsoever now she's here in the world.

I'd leave and I'd take him for every fucking penny he's got!

How depressing that you even have to ask if YABU. It's as plain as the nose on your face you're not, but he's got you believing you are.

(And who is he going drinking with - I can't believe anyone decent would think it's fine to sit in the pub every fucking night rather than go home to your partner and baby.)

I really don't see that you'd be any worse off, and I reckon you'd be better - it'll be hard for sure, but without this idiot round your neck you'll be able to think clearly about you and your beautiful DD.

I'd perhaps ask for this to be moved to relationships, always excellent advice on there.

I am so angry on your behalf.

Leave him. I don't say this lightly but he is an utter waste of space.

Your daughter will not miss out by not living with this man. He's not her father. He's a sperm donor.

Fathers look after their children, they look after their children's mothers.

My DH has a stressful job. When I had DD and PND he made sure he was home as early as he could be, some nights he had to work late but he always checked I was ok. He made dinner when needed. He walked the floor during the joys of colic and he got up at night. If he had to bring work home in order to get home earlier he did so. He did not prop up a bar every night because he needed to destress.

Leave this pathetic excuse for a man.

OP you say you'd be full of guilt about leaving - I think you might want to turn that on its head and feel guilty about staying. Your dc is not getting anything from this person, nothing. Financial stuff really doesn't count when it comes to being a good parent - I've see really skint dads be great parents and vice versa. I rarely say this on threads like these but he really does sound like an asehole and clearly does not understand or care about what you are going through. Any father who wants to go to the pub after work every single day rather than get home to be a dad/partner is really not at all committed and is taking the absolute pss. Don't bring your dc up with a man like this around. I'm so sorry, just feel really for you.

This person doesn't deserve kids, or you. It's a shame people like him can't be forcibly sterilised as they don't want kids, but do FA to keep from procreating.

He's a dick.

Do yourself and your DD a favour and leave him to his financial troubles and alcohol. LOSER.

Why on earth would you feel guilty taking your DD away from him?

Surely she has the right to not have him as her main male role model?

Also, if he doesn't want you to take yourself and her away from him, what is he doing to earn your staying with him? Nothing? Then why stay?

You will be giving your DD a much better life without him. Really you will.

He has made himself totally surplus to requirements. He brings NOTHING to your lives.
Leave - you have nothing to stay for.

Thanks for all your replies

I do feel like a maid. All I do is clean the house for someone to then come behind me and make a mess again. I give up my spare time or plans with my DD so I can look after his DD during holidays only to be told by her to shut up.

We said we would try work things out for our DDs sake but does that ever work?

I'm so unhappy. I used to be a confident and bubbly person but I am an emotional wreck and not sure how long I can go on for. Feel like I am having a break down

Hes an arsehole. I would ltb if that was my dh. He goes to the pub every night? What a cunt