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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect reasonable table manners from DSD 7

78 replies

LabRat72 · 09/02/2014 01:48

My stepdaughter comes to us every other weekend. She's generally a very good girl, bit loud but that's to be expected. AIBU to ask and expect that she has decent table manners? Every mealtime I have to remind her to use her knife & fork (she'd eat with her fingers if I let her, obv things that are meant to be eaten with fingers are allowed!), I also ask her to not start eating till everyone is sat down & not to eat with her mouth open or talk (too much) with her mouth full. I also have to ask her to not just jump down from the table as soon as she's finished & to stay seated till dinner has 'gone down' a bit. DH says I'm expecting too much. He's happy for her to eat mainly with her fingers & to wander about during & straight after the meal. Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
MeridianB · 09/02/2014 07:57

I completely agree with the OP and also with Crowler.

If seven is deemed too young by some here to achieve basic standards at the table then when is the right age? Surely letting it go on just makes bad habits more engrained?

Good basic table manners stay with you for life and then you can go anywhere and meet anyone and and be comfortable in any food environment. I think that is all most parents would like.

When my DSD was 7 she was washing hands before meals, waiting until everyone was ready to start and waiting until everyone was finished unless I excused her sooner. So I have been very lucky.

However, now almost nine she cannot hold a knife and fork properly - using the both to tear food rather the cutting, despite help and reminders. We did recently manage to stop the eating-with-mouth-open and also shovelling it in and eating enormous mouthfuls.

My DH originally claimed he never noticed any of these habits Hmm but without his agreement and support I doubt we would have made any progress. The point about how your DSD eats at her mum's is also relevant for the same reasons.

I think taking each thing one at a time is also good advice as it's horrendous to turn mealtimes into battlegrounds.

Good luck! She will thank you for it one day.

Mckayz · 09/02/2014 07:59

I would certainly expect her to be using a knife and fork unless it is something that doesn't require it.

I make my DC (6&5) wait until everyone is sat down before they start to eat and they wait until everyone has finished before they can get down.
I don't care if that seems strict, I want them to have good table manners.

ballstoit · 09/02/2014 08:04

YABU. You don't 'have' to do anything. If her parents are happy with the way she eats, then why do you think it's your place to override their values?

Having a stepmother like you, constantly criticising them, is precisely why my DC hate going to their fathers house. Keep going as you are, she won't interrupt your perfect meal times for much longer Sad

Kittymalinky · 09/02/2014 08:09

We expect those things of our children at school.

Eat with cutlery (unless they're packed lunch with sandwiches), wait until we've all said grace which is once they've all lined up for hot dinners, not jump around or leave the table while eating and they have to stay sitting until they are all ready to go out to play.

I work in a very challenging school too and most of ours manage it (lot more flexible with reception)

Original poster
LabRat72 · 09/02/2014 08:11

'Constantly' criticizing?! All
I asked was is it really possible for a 7 year old to have decent table manners? And it appears it is. DSD and I get along just fine, I'm not constantly criticizing. Goodness me, you appear to have projected your troubles onto me. Please don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
LabRat72 · 09/02/2014 08:15

She eats with cutlery at school (or she tells us she does & I have no reason to disbelieve her). But I think they tolerate a bit of finger work with stuff like chips, fish fingers, sausages etc.
thank you everyone who has given helpful opinions and answers. Being a stepmother isn't easy & I'm glad there's a place like this where I can ask questions from experienced parents. Of course, every chat room has a few nut jobs. Smile

OP posts:
ballstoit · 09/02/2014 08:20

I have no troubles, it's my DC and their father who do.

3 meals a day, of 'having' to tell her to wait to eat, to use her cutlery,to stay sitting until you've eaten...that's a lot of criticism.

It's quite reasonable to expect a child to have reasonable table manners, it's also quite reasonable to want to enjoy a social meal with a child and not care how they eat, and also quite reasonable to want to want a child to enjoy food and remove all criticism at meal times. I'm not saying which I expect from my children...because I don't think that's the issue.

The point is, parents decide what values to emphasise with their own children....so if your dh and dsds mother are happy with her table manners, it's not up to you to override them with your own priorities.

ballstoit · 09/02/2014 08:22

So anyone who disagrees with you is a nut job? Does that include your dh and dsds mother? Hmm

I've been a stepmother, I know how hard it is...it wasn't my place to undermine my h and his ex then, and it isn't yours now.

vjg13 · 09/02/2014 08:23

I think your expectations are totally reasonable, difficult though if totally different rules apply at home.

ImagineJL · 09/02/2014 08:24

YABU. You're expecting way too much.

vjg13 · 09/02/2014 08:27

Gentle prompting and reminding over cutlery use etc. isn't inappropriate is it? I have done this when other children have come for tea when my kids were younger.

Original poster
LabRat72 · 09/02/2014 08:28

It's only one meal, she can do what she likes at breakfast & the 'smaller' meal of lunch or dinner (sandwich or whatever, I'm not going to make her eat that with a knife & fork)
My DH is a bit scared of saying anything to her in a 'telling her to do anything' way because he's scared she won't like him. Typical weekend dad I suppose. When I've spoken to him in the past about her table manners (without her there) he's either said he'd like her to be neater, use cutlery etc, or, he says 'oh she'll get there in the end'. But how will she without guidance? I don't sit there glowering at her waiting to pounce, I just say 'can you use your knife & fork please ***' if she completely lays them down & starts digging in with her hands, I wouldn't reprimand a one off, a chip picked up or a quick push of a pea onto a spoon.
DH will also sometimes tell her not to get up & run around straight after dinner & at other times he won't notice. I just think we should be consistent! The 'letting food go down' thing is his, but he only does it about 50% of the time.
Obviously I need to sort out DH rather than DSD.

OP posts:
Original poster
LabRat72 · 09/02/2014 08:30

In what way am I expecting too much Imagine? I'm not having a go, just asking. Most of the posters on here seem to think I'm not.

OP posts:
Crowler · 09/02/2014 08:32

Honestly Labrat I don't think you're criticizing. You're treating her as you would your own.

Original poster
LabRat72 · 09/02/2014 08:33

Balls, I'm sorry about the nut job comment. Uncalled for. I've just done a 13 hour night shift, I'm in a huff Smile
I'm not trying to undermine my DH though, but when DSD is here surely she's as much my responsibility as his? Well, almost as much. I am his wife, he expects me to have opinions on DSD.

OP posts:
AbouttoCrack · 09/02/2014 08:33

I've been where you are with 3 step kids. I used to bang on about table manners. Trouble is you only have her weekends. She's not going to hear it enough for it to work. She's not your child to discipline. You going on about something that neither her parents are clearly bothered about is only going to piss her iff abd turn you into the evil step mother.
I advise you to drop it.

AbouttoCrack · 09/02/2014 08:36

...but I do see why you are rubbed the wrong way by it. It pissed me off then and it pisses me off now when we eat with them and their manners still aren't good as adults.

ProfYaffle · 09/02/2014 08:37

My dd2 turns 7 in a couple of weeks. Your expectations aren't unreasonable, however, my dd has grown up with similar expectations and still forgets on a regular basis. Nothing wrong with (constant!) friendly reminders.

Crowler · 09/02/2014 08:37

AbouttoCrack seems to have good advice here.

AbouttoCrack · 09/02/2014 08:37

No I don't think she's as much your responsibility as she is his. You are not her parent. He is.

ballstoit · 09/02/2014 08:43

Well, I was possibly projecting a bit too Blush DCs Stepmum has a looong list of unacceptable behaviour eg dcs(4,6 & 8) are expected to make their beds as soon as they get up, get themselves dressed before going downstairs, ask to go to the toilet, have only one toy out at a time (between 3 of them), not say 'I love you' to their Dad (is demanding affection apparently).....the list goes on

It's a tricky line with step parenting. Yes, she's your responsibility, but dh needs to take the lead with the parenting decisions. Also, once a fortnight is not much to change behaviour, so you have to pick your battles. As a few posts suggest, choose one of the mealtime issues and concentrate on that for a bit. Staying at the table is hard as she probably has to get down as soon as she's finished at school so the next person can eat.

missmagnum · 09/02/2014 08:47

Yanbu its difficult as a step parent when parenting styles across both houses are very different. It is even more difficult when you have your own dc, as the lines get very blurred. I really don't enjoy our weekend mealtimes at all, but hide my feelings, as a stepmum I don't think I am meant to have any.

I would encourage your dh to do as much as the reminding as possible and for you to discuss boundaries etc when she isn't there.

I love having my dsd in my life and I think she likes having me around, she is experiencing a different side of life here that she enjoys.

AllDirections · 09/02/2014 08:56

YANBU I have to keep reminding DD3 (7) of those same rules nearly every meal time. It's not expecting too much at all. She doesn't have to wait at the table once she's finished (unless we're in company) but she does have to ask to leave the table.

ImagineJL · 09/02/2014 08:58

Do you have kids of your own OP? One of the main rules of parenting in my opinion is to pick your battles.

Firstly, kids are kids. You can tell them a thousand times to do things a certain way, and they'll still forget much of the time.

You only have your DSD at weekends, so she's already having to deal with two different sets of rules, so the chances of her forgetting and getting it wrong are increased.

You say you're not nagging, just issuing gentle reminders - but the fact that you've posted here suggests its really bothering you, and therefore I imagine your gentle reminding comes across more firmly than that.

AuditAngel · 09/02/2014 09:06

I think being a step parent is difficult. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

DD1 will be 7 in about 6 weeks. She know to use her cutlery but always has to be reminded not to eat with her mouth open (by that I mean every meal time) even her 9 year old brother will tell her if I don't.

All our children have to wait until we have all finished eating before leaving the table, including our 3 yo. That said, if we have people over and it is the kind of meal that carries on, the DC May leave the table when main course is eaten. They must ask to leave, then help clear the table.

Last month DD1 was told off for starting to eat while DH and I were bringing the food through. We don't expect them yo sit for Grace, but at least let the good go on the table and let us sit down.

I think she is old enough to realise that different people can have different expectations, your house, your rules, but you need DH on board.