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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think exH should build contact up before taking dd on holiday?

22 replies

PinkHardHat · 08/02/2014 22:33

ExH and I have been separated for five years, dd is 6. He sees her for one or two weekends per month and up until now he's never had her any extra in school holidays (though I've offered) besides an extra night at Christmas. He has told dd he'll be taking her abroad for 10/14 days in the summer. Aibu to ask that a) he should discuss this with me first and b) he build up contact beforehand? From two nights to up to fourteen is a massive increase imo.

OP posts:

DamnBamboo · 08/02/2014 22:41

I think it depends on the relationship they have and also what visitation right he actually has.
If she's happy to go and can contact you when needed, why is this a problem?

cestlavielife · 08/02/2014 22:41

Depends.
If it is a specific holiday maybe going with family etc. then fine.

Original poster

PinkHardHat · 08/02/2014 22:46

If she was unhappy, which she may well be as she's never been away from home much, he wouldn'twant to 'admit defeat' and tell me and he wouldn't let dd speak to me. The holiday is just him, his gf and dd

OP posts:

Notcontent · 08/02/2014 22:56

I think he should definitely have discussed it with you first, even if your dd had more regular contact with you.

But the second issue is the fact that she has not been away with him before. I think it would be more reasonable for him to take her away on a shorter trip first, to see how they both feel about it.

brokenhearted55a · 08/02/2014 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

PinkHardHat · 08/02/2014 23:08

I've suggested he have her 4 nights in Feb, 4/5 in April then a week in summer. He says he and his gf want a 10/14 day holiday only and will just go without dd if need be. Think it's just an excuse to tell dd it's my fault she can't go when actually he probably doesn't really want her to anyway. Just wondered if I was BU to ask him to build it up or else go for a shorter time

OP posts:

DamnBamboo · 08/02/2014 23:56

'He wouldn't let DD speak to me'

'Actually he probably doesn't really want her to anyway'

A lot of assumptions don't you think? If he says he wants to take her, why do you presume he doesn't. How do you know he wouldn't let her talk to you?

Sharaluck · 08/02/2014 23:58

Yes I think a week trial before the fortnight abroad is essential.

innisglas · 09/02/2014 00:00

A lot of assumptions. If you trust him with your daughter, the worst that can happen is that they will all have a rotten time. You could suggest that it is in his best interests to have these shorter breaks recommended by PinkHat first.

Original poster

PinkHardHat · 09/02/2014 09:38

DamnBamboo he's never let her talk to me at contact, despite her asking to sometimes and thats when in the UK - I very much doubt he'd spend money on an overseas call to facilitate it. He's asked for the past two summers to take dd on their annual fortnight holiday. I've said the same thing about building contact up, he hasn't done, then he's told dd it's my fault she couldn't go. So a fair assumption, I think.

Innisglas - a fortnight being miserable is not fair on dd just to appease her dad. Also he just isn't used to having a child around and is worn out after a weekend of her (by his own admission) let alone a fortnight. His supervision lapsing because he's had a beer and dd drowning is not unthinkable. We took dd on holiday just before we split and he saw no problem in leaving dd in the hotel room to go to the restaurant/bar three buildings away. He chases dd through carparks rather than getting her to hold hands. He's clueless.

OP posts:

DamnBamboo · 09/02/2014 10:06

Ok OP, fair enough to the first point. That's just weird and mean that he doesn't let her speak to you. Perhaps he's trying to get her to learn to settle without you; as an NRP he does need to be able to settle her with out contacting you, but I guess whether or not he does should depend on what the problem is. If she's just saying I want my mummy because she's been told she can't have an ice-cream, then I don't it's useful to allow her to ring you.
However it would seems as though he has now repeatedly asked to take her away and you keep saying the same thing about building up contact, and so in fairness, you are preventing this!

What I think you need to do is speak to him and say, it concerns me greatly that you don't let her speak with me when she's upset and I will not feel comfortable if I know that I can't speak with her for two weeks. I would expect that she would be able to phone me every couple of days to say hi and tell me what's she's doing and if you don't allow this, it's cruel to both her and me and I will not allow her to go away again. Be up front about it.

Original poster

PinkHardHat · 09/02/2014 10:13

She hasn't asked to speak to me when upset, she's just asked to speak to me generally and been told no, that I am too busy to talk to her.

it would seem as though he has now repeatedly asked about taking her away and you keep saying the same thing about building up contact, and so in fairness, you are preventing this!

Or, actually he is preventing it by not building up contact which is in dds best interests. He has several weeks per year off work and chooses not to see dd then, that's not me preventing him.

OP posts:

DamnBamboo · 09/02/2014 10:23

by not building up contact which is in dds best interests

Yes I guess that's your opinion. His clearly differs. What does your DD say. I she happy to go away with him?

DamnBamboo · 09/02/2014 10:27

Anyway, we have two separate issues here - you want him to build up contact which you feel is in her best interests and he wants to take her on holiday.

The two don't necessarily go hand in hand and many kids go and visit distant relatives during the summer without otherwise really seeing them and are fine. They actually have fun!

rabbitlady · 09/02/2014 10:51

say no.
my principle was 'you can go when you are capable of getting yourself home if anything goes wrong'.
this worked well. she didn't want to go and she had the perfect excuse.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/02/2014 12:21

rabbitlady

That assumes that DD doesn't want to go.

rabbitlady · 09/02/2014 14:43

true. but who wants to go off with someone they hardly know?

Original poster

PinkHardHat · 09/02/2014 15:04

She doesn't want to go. Even if she did, time is an abstract concept at 6. She doesn't realise how long two weeks is and 14 nights is the amount she usually sees him over 6/7 months - it's a lot to have all at once when he's already said he can't cope over a weekend

OP posts:

DamnBamboo · 09/02/2014 19:14

OP you are convinced you are right and he is wrong.
Why have you bothered posting?

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/02/2014 21:07

there is a continual drip to this thread.

JessePinkmanIsMine · 09/02/2014 21:11

Yanbu. Two nights jump to fourteen could be difficult for her.

deakymom · 10/02/2014 00:04

he has never let her speak to you when he has contact? that is a bit nasty really not even being able to say goodnight? i would get her a mobile phone and ASK her to ring at 7pm every night to say goodnight

if you want to build up the contact while in the uk first that is reasonable but going two weeks without so much as a phone call would be (for me) mightely bad he needs to relax a little when my husband was working away he would ring home to speak to the kids every night and when he didnt they rang him!

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