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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to not go to this?

93 replies

notallwhowander · 08/02/2014 16:12

First time poster but could really do with some objective opinions as am having a real dilemma over this. My close friend of nine years is getting married in NY in March, just her and DP. They are having a post wedding party in their home town a couple of weeks later. Their home town being roughly 5 hours away for us. Me, DH and three DC's are all invited.

I have an 8 year old, a 19mth old and 3 mth old. Youngest is EBF and feeds pretty much constantly from five in the evening until she goes to sleep at about 10pm. My friend was a bridesmaid at my wedding 2 years ago . She has no children so travelling wasn't really am issue for her. The wedding party is on Mother's Day weekend so the majority of mothers day itself will be spent in the car travelling back.

Due to the fact that:

  • five hours each way on a good run is a long journey with such a young baby;
  • the majority of my time at the party will be spent breast feeding my youngest whilst DH tries to entertain the other two DCs;
  • I will miss spending quality time with my DCs on Mother's Day;

Would I be unreasonable to say we can't attend the party? I am feeling really guilty about potentially not going (especially after friends sister told my best friend in a text that I am unreasonable for not making the effort to go to the hen night, also five hours away. 3mth old has never taken a bottle so leaving her for a weekend is not an option).

I need to RSVP soon. My instinct is to decline but really worried about upsetting friend. WWYD?

OP posts:
SJisontheway · 08/02/2014 17:36

I would rather travel with a baby than 1 year old twins. Young babies will sleep for most of the journey and if they get unsettled a quick feed should do the trick.
We travelled overseas for a wedding when my youngest was w 2.5 months. 3 hour ferry and 6 hour drive.
Not exactly fun, but manageable and I'm glad we did it.
OP, I think that sounds like a really good compromise, and I'm sure your friend will really appreciate it.

poocatcherchampion · 08/02/2014 17:47

I suspect that most people who are saying it will be fine actually have done such a trip and it was fine.

we certainly have. I would never pass up an opportunity to get out the party dresses and celebrate someone else's wedding.

in actual fact we are also invited to a wedding in April a good long way away and as it is no children and we can't leave our 2 under 2, we are party dressing them up and going to the church and then dh is going to the meal while I read my book in the hotel at nap time. that is how much we like celebrating with people.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/02/2014 17:51

How would your friend feel if you don't go? It is inconvenient for you to go, but easily doable if you think your friend would appreciate it. The baby will be easy at a wedding, the other two more difficult so I echo pps comments re sleepover at gps. Every wedding I've been to there's always a few babies in slings.

Caboodle · 08/02/2014 18:08

Mother's Day is not just seen as commercialised nonsense in our house so this would bother me, but, I would still consider a friend's wedding more important.
The drive is an issue - with small baby needing feeding and breaks, and possibly 2 other DCs, this will be like travelling through treacle. I would probably still go though, but I would be prepared for it to be hard work.

flowery · 08/02/2014 18:23

I took a 3mo to a wedding abroad. Do I win? WinkGrin

He was our only child at the time, and I think the car-plane-car journey was probably tons easier than a 5 hr drive though.

We also took him for a 3 hr drive to grandparents which ended up taking almost 6 hours with breaks. He was not a quick feeder... Hmm

When we had DS2 we encouraged grandparents to visit us instead when he was tiny...

DanceParty · 08/02/2014 18:27

I will miss spending quality time with my DCs on Mother's Day;

^^You can do that any day.

The rest is valid, though.

Mim78 · 08/02/2014 18:28

I think yanbu. You won't enjoy it and will probably hardly see her.

The mother's day thing is not a good reason but the length of journey and kids needs are.

Ragwort · 08/02/2014 18:29

No, I really wouldn't go all that way for a wedding or a party (but this isn't a wedding as such is it? It is a party to celebrate the wedding).

We were invited to a wedding this summer that would have involved a four hour journey, we sent our regrets. I really don't think our friends were at all offended.

When our son was christened it would have been a long journey for our guests (4-5 hours) and close family members sent their apologies, we quite understood. We were not hostzillas about it. Grin.

Most times you go to a wedding or party you rarely spend much time with the host anyway, so surely people wouldn't be offended?

I've said this a million times on mumsnet - an invitation is an invitation, not a summons to an event.

shoom · 08/02/2014 18:31

OP wouldn't be attending a wedding though, the couple want to be married in private in another country. It's not even like being invited to an evening reception. OP may have already seen her friend after the wedding, before the party. Or seen pictures of the wedding day and have heard about the honeymoon.

YANBU to put your family ahead of a party.

Driving 5+ hours one day to attend a party, during which you expect to be sitting down holding or feeding a young baby who may not like the noise and strangers, then 5+ hours drive the next day - and all for a quick chat with your friend, who'll also need to chat to the other guests. So you may get 10-15 minutes with her. Errr...

TidyDancer · 08/02/2014 18:35

I am one of the ones who has had a cluster-feeder and taken them on a long journey to an all day/evening event. It's not the easiest thing in the world, but for an important reason, it's worth it and doable.

Your Mother's Day can be done on another occasion. There's nothing to say it has to be the same date as the conventional one.

Caitlin17 · 08/02/2014 18:38

Re mother's day how exactly does anyone spend "quality time" on that day, whenever it is, with babies of 19 and 3 months which is any different from time spent with them on any other day of the year?

The OP however is willing to give thoughts to alternatives.

Bowlersarm · 08/02/2014 18:41

YANBU to put your family ahead of a party

I really, really don't get this.

Life doesn't stop because you have babies. Or it shouldn't. Yes, it will be very tiring for the OP. Yes it will be undoubtedly stressful at times. But why shouldn't she put herself out for a weekend for a very important event in her close friends life?

Family life with young children is hard. It would be easy for all of us to just stay at home until they are older. I think it is sad that people just use having DC as a reason to not bother with something they can't be arsed to do.

OP, if it really is stressing you out, don't go. But phrase it in a way she will understand. She would clearly love you to be there. But no doubt she'll love with it if you can't.

Bowlersarm · 08/02/2014 18:42

'live' with it - doh.

Original poster
notallwhowander · 08/02/2014 18:43

I don't want to be accused of drip feeding, but my 8 year old ds spends 3 weekends out of 4 with his dad (
Not my choice) so I cherish the one weekend we do get together and I guess maybe that is why I maybe put a lot of emphasis on Mother's Day, irrationally or not.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 08/02/2014 18:44

But you will be with him, won't you?

Caitlin17 · 08/02/2014 18:45

Tidy Dancer yes it's not like Christmas, Easter etc. Depending on where you are it can be as early as February or as late as May and either a fixed date or tied to Easter.

Caitlin17 · 08/02/2014 18:49

OP it would have been helpful to have mentioned that. It makes a bit more sense,especially if your 8yr old is himself aware of it.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 08/02/2014 18:54

If you wanted to go you would not be looking for excuses not to. children cannot rule your life nor an they be used as an excuse not to do anything you don't want to do. if she is a fiend then go enjoy otherwise stay at home and realise that is where you will end up until your dc is grown as people will get fed up of excuses. Its not that far so see it as a weekend away and enjoy.

Oriunda · 08/02/2014 18:58

It's not a wedding but a party. OP's friend has chosen to marry abroad, her choice. Sorry but a party to welcome back the married couple is not the same as a wedding or an evening reception in my mind. Sounds like a long and stressful journey and you will hardly get to see your friend.

Given that the bride's sister has already slagged you off for not attending a hen party for a wedding that none of you is attending, I wouldn't put yourself out.

Original poster
notallwhowander · 08/02/2014 19:12

It really isn't that I don't want to go and am thinking up excuses. I do suffer with anxiety and am just feeling a bit overwhelmed by the logistics/practicalities of going.
My friend and her sister both declined the invite to my 18mth old dd's christening on the basis of it being to far to travel,. I know I can't really compare a christening to a wedding but was hoping if I don't go friend might understand.

OP posts:
pootlebug · 08/02/2014 19:19

can you swap the weekends for your 8 year old with his dad so that he spends the weekend of the party with his dad then you can celebrate mothers day properly the week before or after instead?

Bowlersarm · 08/02/2014 19:20

OP - the friend who didn't come to your DD's christening - is that this friend who is getting married?

Original poster
notallwhowander · 08/02/2014 19:24

Bowlersarm- yes, the same friend. I totally understood at the time and definitely wouldn't use this to validate me not going to her party. Just thought maybe because she made that decision she would understand.

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 08/02/2014 19:25

I think many poster are making the mistake of assuming that the children will travel easily.

Not all children are the same. I can't comment from my perspective because DD had extra medical needs at 3 months and we never went anywhere with her, but I think some people completely underestimate what a major undertaking that going to this wedding celebration is going to be for the OP.

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 08/02/2014 19:32

I would definitely not go.
I think all those ....I went abroad, meh meh meh with a baby bullshit either had an easy time or have forgotten how hard it is entertaining young children, breastfeeding on demand, in public all most, and try to smile at the same time.
If you don't want to go, that's reason enough. It's a bloody long way with young children.

Funny how a similar thread about guests having to foot large bills for other peoples weddings felt this behavior was BU. Now a lot of people are saying "stay in a hotel"!

Be honest with her, good friends, true friends, would understand.