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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to not go to this?

93 replies

notallwhowander · 08/02/2014 16:12

First time poster but could really do with some objective opinions as am having a real dilemma over this. My close friend of nine years is getting married in NY in March, just her and DP. They are having a post wedding party in their home town a couple of weeks later. Their home town being roughly 5 hours away for us. Me, DH and three DC's are all invited.

I have an 8 year old, a 19mth old and 3 mth old. Youngest is EBF and feeds pretty much constantly from five in the evening until she goes to sleep at about 10pm. My friend was a bridesmaid at my wedding 2 years ago . She has no children so travelling wasn't really am issue for her. The wedding party is on Mother's Day weekend so the majority of mothers day itself will be spent in the car travelling back.

Due to the fact that:

  • five hours each way on a good run is a long journey with such a young baby;
  • the majority of my time at the party will be spent breast feeding my youngest whilst DH tries to entertain the other two DCs;
  • I will miss spending quality time with my DCs on Mother's Day;

Would I be unreasonable to say we can't attend the party? I am feeling really guilty about potentially not going (especially after friends sister told my best friend in a text that I am unreasonable for not making the effort to go to the hen night, also five hours away. 3mth old has never taken a bottle so leaving her for a weekend is not an option).

I need to RSVP soon. My instinct is to decline but really worried about upsetting friend. WWYD?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/02/2014 16:52

I'd make it a weekend thing.

WaitMonkey · 08/02/2014 16:52

YABU. Don't understand the mothers day thing at all unless you are religiou sand Want to go to church. You will still be spending time with your dc.

CouthyMow · 08/02/2014 16:56

It won't be a 5 hour journey with such little ones - they aren't meant to spend more than 2 hours in a car seat without a break. That would make it closer to a 7 hour journey, with rest stops, stops for food, and a 3yo who will need the toilet at very inconvenient moments.

I wouldn't be doing that.

And Mother's Day DOES mean a lot to some people - it does to me, and I'd be very upset to spend the whole day stuck in a car, rather than doing something nice with my DC's.

Just because Mother's Day doesn't mean a lot to some of you, it doesn't mean that the OP is wrong for having it mean a lot to her...

gamerchick · 08/02/2014 16:57

mothers day is a wank excuse.. please don't use that.

Can you get the older 2 watched and just take the baby as said upthread? your baby might not be cluster feeding when the wedding happens.. if it's closter to 16weeks the 4 monthlys might have kicked in and she'll be much more interested in the world.

tbh if somebody made the effort for my wedding.. I would do the same for them.

gamerchick · 08/02/2014 16:58

theres nothing wrong with mothers day meaning a lot to somebody.

Just don't use it as an excuse not to attend a friends wedding.

Caitlin17 · 08/02/2014 16:58

If these reasons were valid then presumably no one with children under say 5 ever goes anywhere?

Posters often say on here how fantastically convenient breastfeeding is as there is no equipment needed to be lugged around.

I don't see what is so terrible about setting off, breaking for lunch and staying overnight.

The children will presumably need to go to bed before the party breaks up, couldn't your husband then stay with them and give you time on your own?

Utterbollocks · 08/02/2014 16:59

Yabu.
Why would you not put yourself out for a friends wedding celebration. Could you not stay over & make that your Mother's Day treat? Or leave older two with rellies, have a weekend off & that be your Mother's Day treat. There'll be manyore mothers days, but hopefully your friend will only get married once. How would you have felt if she couldn't be arsed to come to your wedding?

Ragwort · 08/02/2014 16:59

I can't believe people expect you to drive 5 hours each way for a 'party' Shock.

I wouldn't dream of going and only have one teenager - a ten hour round trip for a party (not a wedding) is a huge expense - both money and time.

I think the mother's day excuse is a bit pathetic, but the thought of that sort of journey would be enough for me to say a polite 'sorry, we can't make it'.

Surely no reasonable friend would expect you to drive such a long way?

SolomanDaisy · 08/02/2014 17:01

Yanbu, the journey is just too long for one evening with a bf baby that young. With car seat and feeding breaks, it will probably take you eight hours each way, which is crazy. I went to a wedding when DS was 5 weeks and he fed most of the time, but there wasn't a huge journey either side. The only way I would do it is if you could fly instead.

TaurielTest · 08/02/2014 17:03

I think in your position I'd consider the possibility of going with baby and leaving older children and DP at home. Is driving the only option, or is it somewhere you could get to by train?

Caitlin17 · 08/02/2014 17:03

Mother's day for those who care (and I don't) comes every year. If someone who I thought was a close friend used that as an excuse to come to my special day that'd it be the end of the friendship.

Only one of the 3 children is even old enough to be aware it's different from any other day in the year.

TidyDancer · 08/02/2014 17:04

The only part of this that is a doubt for me is the travelling. But if it could be broken up by breaks, and possibly an overnight stay, I would definitely go. The Mother's Day and breastfeeding points aren't really issues when you consider this is the wedding of a close friend.

Caitlin17 · 08/02/2014 17:07

Ragwort it's not just a party though is it? You'd not travel that far for a friend's wedding?

PuddockI was going to suggest that but I suspect from the tone of the post that won't be do ' able either.

flowery · 08/02/2014 17:08

The only one of your excuses that is remotely valid is the travelling.

TaurielTest · 08/02/2014 17:09

YWNBU to decline though, just on the basis of the distance.

My experience of 2 evening-cluster-feeding babies was that they wanted to do it just as much (if not more) at 4 months as they did at 3, so I wouldn't bank on things being different as some PP have optimistically suggested...
I did go out for a couple of social evenings with just me and #2 in a sling, where he could feed or snooze. BUt only you know whether this would work or be enjoyable for you.

WilsonFrickett · 08/02/2014 17:13

Couldn't you take your youngest, travel up the day before, but leave the two eldest with your DH?

I also think Mother's day is a pretty poor excuse.

eddielizzard · 08/02/2014 17:14

yanbu. the 19 mo will need a lot of entertaining, and your 3 mo will be attached to your bosoom. she won't understand now, but she will when she has kids.

when i had 3 under 5 i could barely cope.

Bowlersarm · 08/02/2014 17:15

ragwort - I can't believe you consider a wedding celebration as just a 'party'. I would imagine the ops friend would be thrilled to be pushed aside for yet another Mothers Day - after all, she's only having a party.

OP, decline if you have to, but put it better than you have in your opening post or I think your friend will be justifiably upset.

mynewpassion · 08/02/2014 17:15

YABU. My sister and her husband have done a 12 hour (6 hours each way) with one year old twins to SIL's baby christening. They stopped off at a shopping mall or grocery store for 30 minutes every two hours to allow the children to walk and stretch.

roslet · 08/02/2014 17:21

Your bridesmaid will surely be incredibly hurt if you don't go?! Doesn't everyone else you know just get on with it and take their babies to weddings? The journey will be an expense and unenjoyable, but weren't there young babies who had to attend your own wedding? If baby was under one month old then maybe you would sound reasonable.

Original poster
notallwhowander · 08/02/2014 17:24

Wow, a real mixed bag of responses. It has definitely helped me to look at things from a perspective other than my own though. I think I will look into a local hotel for the night if the party, and maybe see about leaving the older two with grandparents for the weekend ( who would be over the moon with this, they love sleepovers with the DCs). We could always leave at the crack of dawn in the Sunday which would still give us most of Mother's Day to spend with the children ( which for various reasons is a big deal to me, but I totally understand why this is not relevant to a lot of posters).

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 08/02/2014 17:24

Clearly those who think YABU have never travelled so far with very small children or breastfed/had a baby who cluster fed in the evenings.

I can't believe that anyone would think you were being unreasonable for those reasons. Although I think the Mothering Sunday excuse is pretty pathetic and rather hurtful to the bride.

"My sister and her husband have done a 12 hour (6 hours each way) with one year old twins to SIL's baby christening."

So what. A one year old is nine months older than a three month old and doesn't have the same needs. That remark is totally irrelevant.

Lemongrab · 08/02/2014 17:27

I can't quite understand why so many people think it would be terribly unreasonable for you not to go to this wedding party. Of course the party is important to your friend, but under the circumstances you describe (baby frequently feeding, having to travel for hours in a car with three small children) I don't think yabu. If you can't face it, don't go, and don't feel guilty about it. We all have different priorities.
If I was in your friend's position, I certainly wouldn't be offended. And if I was in yours, I wouldn't go!

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/02/2014 17:32

Well, it's a long way.
But I would do it for a good friend.
I would also understand if a good friend couldn't make it to my wedding given such a long journey with small dcs.
If I went I would book into an hotel.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 08/02/2014 17:33

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