Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4

AIBU?

WIBU to not go to this?

93 replies

notallwhowander · 08/02/2014 16:12

First time poster but could really do with some objective opinions as am having a real dilemma over this. My close friend of nine years is getting married in NY in March, just her and DP. They are having a post wedding party in their home town a couple of weeks later. Their home town being roughly 5 hours away for us. Me, DH and three DC's are all invited.

I have an 8 year old, a 19mth old and 3 mth old. Youngest is EBF and feeds pretty much constantly from five in the evening until she goes to sleep at about 10pm. My friend was a bridesmaid at my wedding 2 years ago . She has no children so travelling wasn't really am issue for her. The wedding party is on Mother's Day weekend so the majority of mothers day itself will be spent in the car travelling back.

Due to the fact that:

five hours each way on a good run is a long journey with such a young baby;
the majority of my time at the party will be spent breast feeding my youngest whilst DH tries to entertain the other two DCs;
I will miss spending quality time with my DCs on Mother's Day;

Would I be unreasonable to say we can't attend the party? I am feeling really guilty about potentially not going (especially after friends sister told my best friend in a text that I am unreasonable for not making the effort to go to the hen night, also five hours away. 3mth old has never taken a bottle so leaving her for a weekend is not an option).

I need to RSVP soon. My instinct is to decline but really worried about upsetting friend. WWYD?

OP posts:

Report

Bowlersarm · 08/02/2014 19:33

I think that gives you a valid get out cause then OP.

If she couldn't do the journey without DC for what was for you, a very special occasion, then she shouldn't expect that you would do the same journey with DC for her special occasion.

If you think you can go, would enjoy it, like to be there for your friend, then try and do so. But your last post has changed the scenario for me-if she can't be bothered for you, then you shouldn't feel obliged to bother for her. Unless you want to.

Just be careful with your excuses, if you want to remain close friends.

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2014 19:37

Realistically, how much time will you actually spend with the bride?

Probably very little.

It wouldn't be so bad if your children were older and you could make a proper weekend of it, but with the baby so little you will be tied.

I wouldn't do it.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/02/2014 19:39

Ok. I have reconsidered. I now cba to go.
Tbh. I struggle with a day out with two DCs myself.
I agree with bowlersarm that it's worth offering a considered reason for not attending but as I said earlier, if it were my party I would understand if you cpuldn't go.

FloppyRagdoll · 08/02/2014 20:59

DD2 was 4 months old and EBF when we went back to the UK for a family event - DD1 was 2.5, DS was 4.5. That involved an 8 hour drive this side of the channel; a 5-hour short night rest at Ostend; a 4 hour ferry crossing, then an 10 hour drive the other side of the channel. Driving time. I can't honestly remember the actual time we spent - we certainly had breaks every 2-3 hours.

One of the days spent driving was our wedding anniversary. (We hadn't even noticed when booking the trip, tbh.) It was all a tad stressful; we actually booked the trip before DD2 was born; but we were very glad to be able to make it to that particular event. I doubt if the hosts of the particular event were too bothered, to be honest; but it meant a lot to other folk in our extended family that we were there; and it meant a lot to us.

Notall, I think the main thing for you is to work out what it means to you to go to this wedding, and what it might mean to your relationship with your friend in the future.

eddielizzard · 08/02/2014 21:12

well if she felt it was too far to travel for your dc's christening, then i think she might understand that it's too far for you and yours. you have to decide whether being there is worth the stress really.

Ragwort · 08/02/2014 21:27

Do you think people always notice if you are at their wedding/party/whatever?? Some time ago a friend thanked me for attending an event she had organised, I had to explain I wasn't there - she actually said, 'yes you were, I saw you there' .

ScrabbleBabble · 08/02/2014 21:34

If it was the wedding, a little yabu

but it's not... it's just a party to celebrate their marriage a bit like being invited to an evening receprion in my opinion, so no yanbu

do whatever will make you feel less guilty

Chlorinella · 08/02/2014 21:38

I wouldn't go
Too far
Too much faffing around
5 hours each way for a party ?
No

OwlinaTree · 08/02/2014 21:46

Bit tricky, she put a lot of effort in for your wedding, being a bridesmaid etc, but you are not going to go to hers. I can understand the hen party but not the wedding tbh. If you were due round the wedding then I'd understand, but it does sound a bit like you just can'tbe bothered, sorry.

Are you making excuses because you are upset she didn't come to the christening?

ikeaismylocal · 08/02/2014 21:51

I think yabu. If you can leave the older dc at home it would be lovely for you, dp and the baby to go. Could you stay for the meal and speeches and then drive home in the evening?

My experience of small babies in cars is they just sleep.

Littleen · 08/02/2014 21:52

I would go! She's having a party in UK so those not able to come to NY can join in. That's considerate really :)

starballbunny · 08/02/2014 22:04

I might have done when my two were 3 months and 3years as both slept in the car and I was happy to BF and chatter at parties.

I wouldn't have done it as a day trip when either DD was 8, they would have hated that much travelling.

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2014 22:07

Bit tricky, she put a lot of effort in for your wedding, being a bridesmaid etc, but you are not going to go to hers

The OP isn't invited to the wedding as it's in New York! She's invited to the reception/party back in the UK.

Not quite the same!

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2014 22:09

I wouldn't go. Too far. Too much faffing around. 5 hours each way for a party ? No

This ^^

procrastinatingagain · 08/02/2014 22:12

YANBU at all. It sounds like a hellish weekend. I really wouldn't want to spend hours bfing at a party while looking after 2 more young children. If I was your friend I would totally understand your reasons for not going. We could always have a proper night out when you've finished breastfeeding. I wouldn't want you to come and not enjoy yourself just because of a sense of duty to me.

OwlinaTree · 08/02/2014 22:21

nanny but I think it would be unreasonable to expect them to fly to NY for the wedding!

Cranky01 · 08/02/2014 22:39

Yanbu, the baby will sleep but the 19 month old will sleep for a bit, then moan, cry and whine, (well mine would) then be wide awake all night.

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2014 22:52

nanny but I think it would be unreasonable to expect them to fly to NY for the wedding!

I agree. But for once, in the bride's defence, she does seem to want the wedding to be for her and her DP.
The party is also reasonable, it's just a shame the OP has a new baby and lives 5 hours away from the venue!

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.