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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want SAHMs to divulge how much money they have to spend?

401 replies

YesAnastasia · 05/02/2014 11:09

How much money do non earning SAHM get to actually spend? On clothes, hair/beauty or whatever they want.

I want to know if I'm being unreasonable to want more or if I am spoilt and should suck it up because things are tight.

I have £134.80 a month to myself (yes that's probably a familiar to a lot of you) except when you're a parent, not much is ever just for you anymore is it?

That's ok isn't it? Or is it? It doesn't feel like it, especially when there are birthdays etc. Anyway, what do you get?

OP posts:
HuntingforBunting · 05/02/2014 20:09

Op I am thinking that you do really need to know about things like salary, savings etc etc... What would happen to you if he was being irresponsible with the money? Why aren't you more involved in your family's financial planning? Sorry to be nosey but isn't it a good idea to be fully involved in planning and decision making?

ShoeWhore · 05/02/2014 20:16

All our money is shared. We don't keep a track on who's had what. I would never think to ask permission but then again I wouldn't make a big purchase without discussing it either. There isn't much spare cash so I suppose we are pretty careful about all our spending at the moment.

scottishmummy · 05/02/2014 20:17

How demeaning to have an allowance, or whatever he deigns appropriate
That's why I work, so I spend my own money and I'm not answerable to a man

wordfactory · 05/02/2014 20:21

Surely whether you earn or whether you don't all the money should just go into a joint account and then the couple take what they need from that?

No?

Joysmum · 05/02/2014 20:23

Why is it demeaning to have an allowance scottishmummy?

DH and I both have allowances. I prefer it that way. I'm better with money than he is and this way I can be careful with my allowance and spend how I like without justifying myself to him and visa versa. Paying out the household bills, bunging some in for savings and then dividing equally the rest is the only way to ensure parity surely?

sydlexic · 05/02/2014 20:24

I have whatever I want. DH has a set amount because he is a child with money. I spend very little anyway.

wordfactory · 05/02/2014 20:25

I think a budget is fine.

That's a greed figure to spend on X or Y.

An allowance is where one person decides how much the other person is allowed to spend.

Ledaire · 05/02/2014 20:28

Yep, that would just be Xenia.

Theoretically, I could spend all of it, but I'm usually the one saying, "do we really need to buy this?"

Apart from wine.

Writerwannabe83 · 05/02/2014 20:30

I'm more worried about how our financial situation is going to be once I return to work as opposed to whilst I'm off on Maternity Sad I'm already panicking and baby isn't even born yet.....

madmomma · 05/02/2014 20:39

We don't keep track. We just spend what we want within what we have. I want a lot and he doesn't want very much, so it works for me :)

prizeelliott · 05/02/2014 20:40

I work full time (teacher, 3 kids under7) and we still don't have a pot to piss in!
I am completely unreasonable and I am completely jealous of sahm....but that's a whole other thread! Enjoy ladies!

Writerwannabe83 · 05/02/2014 20:42

I'm with you prize - I'd love me and DH to be in a financial position to allow me to be a SAHM mom Grin

Bootoyou2 · 05/02/2014 20:46

We don't have a joint account (just never got round to it) but feel all money is both of ours. DHs pays all mortgage and bills, holidays, car expenses etc. I pay for nursery fees, all food, clothes and dd activites etc. i have my part time earnings and child benefit and it seems to balance out. We have a spread sheet where we can see estimated monthly and yearly bills for the next year.

When on maternity leave I tried to stick to a budget so if my weekly shop came in under I treated dd and I to starbucks etc. now I am a bit less strict. If I end up a bit short eg over Xmas as I was the one who had the time to do Xmas shopping, my DH just transferred a lump sum into my account. He would never expect me to ask if I wanted to buy something but we do discuss big purchases.

More of the savings are in my name as we have cashed his ISAs before mine when needed. Is all ours.

Will eventually get round to a joint account but having my own account does help me budget for the day to day stuff and as all the big direct debits come from his it is easy to see how much is left for a holiday.

prizeelliott · 05/02/2014 20:47

It's nothing personal, just never thought I wouldn't be home for my kids....I love my job, but....... I'm in danger of being bitter!!
Hope I'm not alone!
Sahm, enjoy every minute, you never know when it might end... Then your a full time mum and a full time worker! I'm bloody knackered!

Karoleann · 05/02/2014 20:53

I just spend what I need/want from our joint account. The amount completely varies sometimes very little, sometimes a lot.
I also have my own account which I use to buy DH's birthday Christmas presents and my own families presents.
I work sporadically and get paid into my own account.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 05/02/2014 20:54

Hair cuts are budgeted for and colour etc

New clothes as and when

We talk all the time. I don't ask but neither do I take Mickey

WhereIsMyHat · 05/02/2014 22:22

Scotishmummy, it's not an 'allowance' it's our family money, we share it. What a underhand thing to suggest. Maybe your a bit envious hence your venom?

bronya · 05/02/2014 22:39

We have shared money. What I bring in and what he does (incl child benefit) has always gone into one pot. We spend on essentials, then discuss other spending. At the moment, things are tight and we don't spend on ANYTHING that isn't essential. When there's money again, we'll share the excess, and save a good chunk of it. It's our money, as a family, and we're all responsible for looking after it carefully.

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 05/02/2014 22:42

thenamestheyareachanging That 134 figure sounds a bit like the child benefit figure for 2 children? That's not your money, it's supposed to be spent on the children, not on your clothes and hair!! YABU if Child Benefit is being spent on you.

A lot of what has been written here has been mildly offensive but I am particularly offended by the above. How dare you insinuate that I am stealing money from my children. That money is the only money that comes into my account that is not destined for elsewhere and is money that DH has no control over. Do you think I should give that to my husband so he can allocate it to the children then give me a similar amount back so I can use it? How arbitrary. Whatever the government intend us to buy with that money gets bought, I can assure you. It's just convenient (for me) that it comes to me, it's just a figure and my children do come first.

OP posts:
Original poster
YesAnastasia · 05/02/2014 22:56

Jackshit Thus thread does nothing to dispel the commonly hed opinion that many SAHMs are lazy types who do nothing all day but spend hubby's money on coffees, lunches, friggin' eyebrow shaping and all that bollocks

Why? Women are telling other women how they spend their money while they are at home looking after their children. What's your problem with that? Who said they aren't doing what they're supposed to & looking after the children. There is no point in cataloguing what they do with their children (thing that doesn't cost anything) or convincing posters like you of their value in society because that isn't what this thread is about. I am always unsettled when women attempt to shame other women for their choices, in my opinion it's unnecessary, damaging and ignorant.

OP posts:
Original poster
YesAnastasia · 05/02/2014 23:13

God, it took me forever to read all that was happening while I was busy. Now it looks like I killed it :) And I said 'How dare you' ha.

Thank you for your opinions, I can see that the way we do things is in the minority. It's interesting.

Oh, and now I am worried about what will become of us if my husband dies Hmm

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 05/02/2014 23:16

Yes, it's a good thing that you are worried (honestly!) as hopefully you can get a list of all account numbers, get added to acciunts as necessary etc.

fuckwittery · 05/02/2014 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JennyCalendar · 05/02/2014 23:42

I think I raised the issue of finances after death first, but it was meant as advice.

After my dad's death (and seeing the mountain of complex things my mum had to deal with money-wise) has given me and DH a kick up the bum this year to sort everything out.

We are:

  • remortgaging so we are both on the deeds and mortgage (in progress).
  • keeping a buffer in the joint account (as personal accounts are frozen until probate is sorted)
  • making sure all utilities are in both names (so we don't suddenly find ourselves cut off)
  • making wills
  • reviewing life assurance etc. and making sure we know what is covered and how to access it

It is horrible to think about and a faff to sort, but will be worth it in the long run for whoever is the survivor. Imagine suddenly finding yourself cut off from funds while dealing with grief - it would make a terrible situation nightmarish. If you don't even know where to start (what money is where, what pensions there are, how much utilities are and who they are with) it would be even worse.

Morloth · 05/02/2014 23:54

We have one account (well more than one but they are all joint).

All the money goes in and all the money goes out.

I buy what I deem necessary/want as does DH. We are in the fortunate position of not having to watch closely what we are spending.

We both have a handle on finances and are both involved in big decisions (say $500+).

Hell would freeze over before DH questioned me about spending on myself under that, we are both sensible adults who trust each other, he knows I wouldn't blow a bunch of cash without consulting him and I know the same.

There is no my money/your money in our relationship, it is all 'ours'.

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