to want SAHMs to divulge how much money they have to spend?

[YesAnastasia]

How much money do non earning SAHM get to actually spend? On clothes, hair/beauty or whatever they want.

I want to know if I'm being unreasonable to want more or if I am spoilt and should suck it up because things are tight.

I have £134.80 a month to myself (yes that's probably a familiar to a lot of you) except when you're a parent, not much is ever just for you anymore is it?

That's ok isn't it? Or is it? It doesn't feel like it, especially when there are birthdays etc. Anyway, what do you get?

I'm working a bit now, but before DS started pre-school, DH and I each took £200 a month from his pay for things like clothes, music, make up, books, knick knacks, going out - basically, like a teenager's allowance.

The rest of DH's salary went into the main account, for bills, food, rent, eventualities, and family stuff (DS' things, plus gifts, family activities etc). Any leftover money at the end of the month would go into a savings account. I also receive the Child Allowance into my spare bank account, but I save it for DS. We pool money and share resources completely, and are entirely transparent about what it goes on.

We would check with each other before buying bigger things. Not asking permission as such, but I would email something like, "I think I'm going to buy this trouser press/hostess trolley/fondue set - is that alright by you?"

That money is the only money that comes into my account that is not destined for elsewhere and is money that DH has no control over.

You might want to think about how that makes your financial relationship sound.

Have worked full time before kids, SAHM for 5 years, now have a very small part time job. It has never mattered what i do as all our money goes into one bank (wages and child benefit), bills come out and whatever is left we spend. Sometimes he will buy more personal things and sometimes i will.

As with a lot of couples who do it this way, we discuss if we want to put money aside for a particular reason (holidays, home improvements) or if we want to buy something very expensive. If i go out and see a top i like, i buy it.

I have more idea on if we can afford it anyway as i sort out all our finances, pay bills, sort insurances etc as paperwork is my thing and DH has a very stressful job and doesnt want to mess about with that stuff after work.

I have total financial control of our household income and have done so since we moved in together. That has not changed with marriage and children 18 yrs later. I have been a sahm for the last 9. We consult over big ticket items and over the years, I let dh know when we need to rein it for a time due to joint financial decisions. I take charge of all the household bills - ime, it doesn't make you a spendthrift even with disposable income but I am more naturally inclined to frugality. Even now, our digital radio died a death last week and all I'm thinking is that I should really replace our ancient microwave which is on its last legs first. In actuality, we won't be doing either until the summer due to other more pressing financial commitments. Knowledge of any budget allows you to discuss the actions you wish to take together and how it impacts your life.

Life insurance is an essential, whatever income bracket. If DH died I'd be able to buy a large house in the catchment of a really good secondary, close to all their friends, mortgage free. I'd be able to put their uni fees aside and then live (frugally, though) for two years without needing to work at all, to ensure they were secure and reassured while they grieved. It's been set up as a discretionary trust with me as trustee, so the money for the kids is sheltered, and none of it is taxable if he and I were to die together and the kids directly inherited (obviously we have other trustees named in that eventuality). God forbid it ever happens, but there is security in knowing it's there.

We took it out when a friend's sister-in-law lost her husband very suddenly. Healthy, sporty, dropped dead one day in his late 30s. No insurance at all, and they had a big mortgage and no savings to speak of, as he was young and had a high paying job, she was a SAHM at the time so they'd had a drop in income, and they were trying to pay down the house fast while interest rates were so low. That was a real wake-up call. Cavendish are the cheapest way of doing it as they rebate back to you all the commission they get as brokers and just charge a £30 introduction fee - we save over £200 a year with them over what Legal and General offer us with the same policy, direct from their website. (I'm not paid to rec them, I promise! I heard of them because the Moneysavingexpert website recommended them when I was researching the best options - Which do as well, I think.)

Hat,do keep up women here are using term allowance
It's a term they're using it describe the amount money their dh permits
Read the thread,if the term offends take it up with those who use it

We both have an agreed allowance. Nothing demeaning in that...it's the same amount of money. Dh spends his on techno gadgets and I spend mine on clothes, everything else has a different budget.

Hat,do keep up women here are using termallowance

Scottishmummy Do pay attention, most are describing an 'allowance' for both partners in a relationship. Now run along and patronise someone else. There's a dear.

I have access to a pretty large amount of savings on my side and my partners salary through joint cards but I rarely spend much on myself. About £30 every 6 weeks on hair. A few quid on make up, clothes bought in charity shops as and when. No gym membership or nails etc.

I don't think anyone has the right to use someone else's money to pay for luxuries but it really depends on what your relationship is like. I am used to living within my means as I was on my own for a long time and had to keep a roof over my own head. Plus I would much rather pay for my son to go to softplay and playgroup than I would get my nails done.

DH and I both have £200 a month to spend. For me this covers lunches, coffees and anything else I want to get.

All bills, food etc comes out of the joint account. What's left goes on things for DS, other one off purchases we need to make, family days out etc.

This way works out better for me as I know that if we just spent randomly out of the joint account that DH would end up spending way too much on lunchtime pints and expensive sandwiches.

Anastasia
You really should have understanding of and access to the finances. To give you one small example, there was a problem last year with the payment for our phone and internet (talktalk had mucked it up) the account is in DH's name and I didn't know what the password was. DH was travelling and they wouldn't speak to me so I had no phone or internet. DH had to ring them from rural North Africa to tell them to speak to me. This was disorganisation on our part not to have the password available but it caused a stupid amount of hassle to solve. How would you cope if your DH was travelling and something went wrong, would you have access to the money and information needed?

I don't think anyone has the right to use someone else's money to pay for luxuries

I'm not sure what you mean by that sebsmummy1 - I am a SAHM, DH and I live comfortably (mortgage paid off/savings/pensions in place etc) does that mean I am not entitled to buy lunch out or whatever as I don't earn the money?

I agree that if you are struggling financially then 'luxuries' should be avoided or carefully budgeted for (by both partners) but I would not consider I was in an 'equal' partnership if I wasn't 'allowed' any luxuries.

I don't see family money as belonging to someone else. There wouldn't be any family money if not for the work me and DP do, it's irrelevant that his is paid and mine isn't. I have just as much of a right to luxuries as he does.

scottish it is actually me that determines what money goes where in our relationship.
It actually makes me laugh that you are so narrow in your view that you can't grasp that the earning partner in a relationship could genuinely believe that the non-earning partner has just as much right to the money that comes in as they do.

sebsmummy1 what do you mean by someone else's money? Do you really think that a SAHM should live a life of privation while her husband gets to dole out the luxuries as gifts and at his whim?
The money that comes into our household isn't DHs, it is ours and I have just as much right to spend it as he does.
My grandparents had an extremely traditional relationship. Grandma gave up work when they got married, Grandad wanted his dinner on the table when he got in from work. In terms of finances though, they were absolutely equal partners. She had the freedom to buy things for herself and for the house, book a holiday, get her hair done, go out, sign up for a subscription, buy presents, etc etc without his express sign-off. I'm very sure they would have agreed a 'household' budget between them, they liked to have plenty of money in the bank, but they would both have disagreed with your view very strongly.

sebsmummy I don't think anyone has the right to use someone else's money to pay for luxuries but it really depends on what your relationship is like.

What rights does a SAHM have concerning money then? ALL money is 'someone else's' so they have no right to luxuries?

I've been a SAHM for 13 years. We have separate accounts and husband puts money into my account each month for the kids, food shopping, general house needs and my own spending. Mortgage, insurance etc all comes from his. We don't have a budget or set amount we are allowed to spend - just depends on what we are doing and need.

Works for us and we have no set rules about spending as long as we are in the black.

I agree that we see all money coming into the house as ours - not Dh's. He does not get the casting vote, we are equal partners, we decide things together. We agree how much we plan to spend on holidays, the house, saving, the kids etc. Fundamentally we tend to agree on how money should be spent and we trust each other - and that makes things fairly straightforward.
I'm not sure how things work when you don't have financial equality - my parents had separate finances, my mum never felt my dad paid his fair share and the arguments about money were constant and tedious - never did I wish to follow their example.

I guess I don't see it as a 'right' no. For example using your partners money to buy groceries, petrol, necessities - yes! Because as the SAH partner you are raising the child and (assuming you are not working) you are not earning so obviously your partners money becomes the family pot.

But non essentials just don't sit right with me. I pay to have my hair done, I buy my own clothes etc. My partner would not care if I put it on his card but somehow it doesn't feel right whilst he is to only one working.

sebs I'm sorry you value yourself so little.

I don't have any more problem paying for my hairdresser or clothes with money that DP earned than he has a problem with me managing all the decisions to do with our family life. It's called sharing responsibilities...

sebs
I was the sole earner and DH was the SAHP (he now has a small income from his business but I earn 95% of the money). I wouldn't regard him buying clothes or a haircut as a luxury. If we can afford it then he has as much right to those things as I do. If he was working full time then I would be under a lot more pressure in my job because I would have to cover more of the school holidays, illness days etc than I do now. His contribution to the family is not strictly financial (although he is saving us a fortune in childcare) but the care and stability that him being more flexible with his time gives to me and the DC

sebsmummy - so what money do you use for clothes and hair if you aren't working and you don't use your DH's?

Sebs it's sad that you feel that way... as a sahm you're entitled to equal spending money as your dh. You're both part of the same family so should expect the same standard of living. If you and your dh have made the decision for one of you to be at home that person doesn't relinquish the right to personal spending money just because they relinquish their job. You have to split spending money between you both.

I have just spent £20 on 2 cups today. We needed some new ones and I really fancied some flash ones. Dh laughed at me in an endearing way as if it was up to him he'd just buy tesco value white ones but he really doesn't give a toss whatever I spend money on as long as I don't take the Michael :)

I'm just as valuable a contributor as my dh to the family and I will spend the family money as much as he can.

Actually no one has a "right" to have luxuries do they?
Your pocket money issue is personal. Comparing it to what other people have is pointless unless you all have DH's who earn the me and have the same major outgoings and consider that everyone should have the same financial arrangements as everyone else.
Some women I know have several hundred pounds to spend as they please without having to go out to work so that makes your lot look a bit mean. Others have almost nothing and a struggling to feed their children.
I would quite like to have 135 quid to spend as I please each month, so maybe you are fortunate.
but even as someone who goes to work I don't get that, so not able to contribute to the "what's a reasonable allowance for a housewife" comparison.