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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Prom dress!

90 replies

jugofwildflowers · 03/02/2014 21:53

My dd asked me a year ago to go shopping with her for a prom dress and wanted the whole experience to be a fab mother/dd bonding experience but because I baulked at the cost of a one off dress potentially costing £100s and suggesting we try charity shops first she hit the roof, 'sacked' me and said she'd rather go with her aunt instead.

Fast forward to today, she wrote me a 'text' apologising for 'sacking' me and now wishes to go with me and I mentioned a budget, she said no other of her friends' mums were like that! She said it should cost £200 including shoes, bag, dress and I said she'd need to go halves. She was outraged!

Please help, what is the etiquette about these things? We don't have a lot of cash, I have only just started work and we are going skiing at half term which is expensive. I am the sort of person who wears charity shop stuff anyway and have never had my hair cut at a hairdressers in my life, nor had my nails done etc etc.

She is very different, likes all the feminine stuff but it cost so much. She is helpful around the house for which she gets an allowance, she is popular, hardworking, a lovely person, does voluntary work too.

Am I being overly miserly just because I don't agree with this sort of imported materialistic thing and because I never asked my own mother for demands such as this? She says she lives in a different time and would re use the dress etc. I have 3 dds so whatever I start will be a precedent.

What are other mumsnetters doing? and what is reasonable?!

OP posts:
summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 04/02/2014 12:16

I paid £300 for two dresses for my twins 4 years ago. I was taken by surprise about what was needed then, but I would have thought there would be a good second hand market for these frothy net creations by now. We got them in sales in February half term.

Go out and try everything on - that was part of the fun for my two. They are terribly responsible and were worried about the price, but once you have had a good look around, you will both have a better idea of what is around. Hiring is good, as you can get one that fits and don't have to store it after!

Some girls had spent silly money on horrendous turquoise frothy numbers, but failed to have them fitted. Most of the dresses are structural and really need to fit properly, especially round the top!

TantrumsAndBalloons · 04/02/2014 12:22

dd has been saving for her prom dress since this time last year.
she now has £300 to spend on a dress she will only wear once.
I have told her I will pay for shoes, bag, hair and nails.
No limo, thank god the school have organized a mini bus.

She is looking forward to it so much, I am trying to pretend I am as enthusiastic. When in actual fact I am screaming in my head "MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT YOUR GCSEs, NOT THE BLOODY PROM"

LastOneDancing · 04/02/2014 12:31

Are you anywhere near Birmingham?

I got my bridesmaids dresses from R&Z dressworld in dodgy Sparkbrook - she is essentially a Chinese eBay seller but in a shop. I think they were about £60.

DD can still try them on and not break the bank!

haveyourselfashandy · 04/02/2014 13:01

Boohoo.com has some amazing looking dresses on it.I bought a dress for a wedding on it last year due to being skint and was impressed with the quality.It's super cheap too.

5Foot5 · 04/02/2014 13:13

I don't think you need to spend 100s to get a really nice outfit.

For DDs prom 2 years ago we ended up with a lovely dress from Next that cost 60 - though shoes were another 40. I think that was about it. She and her friends met up before the event to help each other do make up and the venue had already said they could not accomodate stretch vehicles so people went in ordinary cars rather than spending a fortune on transport.

Debenhams also do really nice "party frocks" that are not expensive.

TBH I think it does help to go try them on rather than look online. I went with DD and beforehand she had got a fixed idea of what she thought she wanted; however when I persuaded her to try something slightly different as well she changed her mind completely.

Normally I don't like traipsing around fitting rooms but it turned out to be quite fun. Every dress she tries on I took a photo on my phone. Then over lunch we went through the photos to come up with the final choice.

specialsubject · 04/02/2014 13:19

the etiquette is that little madams get a part time job or sell something to buy party frocks.

might teach her some manners. and 'we can't afford it' is a valuable lesson.

ChillySundays · 04/02/2014 14:05

Why not have a day out trying different syles of dresses in the prom dress/bridal shops and then look on ebay. That way your daughter can see what looks good on her, have the fun of trying on all the dresses but not the expense. Bit a compromise on both your parts then. Wish I had thought of that when it was my daughter's prom! My son is looking at suits that cost more than my daughter's dress (120)

RawShark · 04/02/2014 14:21

Agree with chilly. And whoever said fit is much more important than quality for a low frequency item.

And work in as many tea and cake breaks as possible.

januaryjojo · 04/02/2014 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 04/02/2014 14:59

Dds school, in addition to the prom which is £35 a ticket have decided to do year books (£15) and hoodies with the year group picture on them (£25)

It makes me laugh that they need all these memory items, 90% of them will be back at the bloody school in September for sixth form.

Parsnipcake · 04/02/2014 15:04

I really sympathise. I have a policy of £10 per GCSE mock pass for a prom dress fund ( for the academically able children) and I also match anything they have saved towards it. My elder dd got £130 + 65, my younger is looking at £20. I might point her to eBay.

I'm not into glamour either, I find it hard to be enthusiastic, but it would be easier if she was as lively as you describe! I think stripping over prom is often just promzilla stress rather than true ungrateful ness.

5Foot5 · 04/02/2014 16:57

Tantrums I had forgotten the hoodies and year books! Yes we had those too.

Mind you, the school did send a letter out right at the start of year 11 to say that these things - prom, year books, hoodies - would be on offer later in the year and told us how much they would cost. That way we / our DC had several months to save up if they thought they would want to get them.

FootieOnTheTelly · 04/02/2014 17:38

My DDs didn't bother with the extra costs - there really is no need to bump the cost up with year books, make up, hair, cars, fancy shoes, fancy bags etc Those things are optional.

missymayhemsmum · 04/02/2014 18:50

Oh gosh it's got totally out of hand!
Offer the options of ebay, tkmaxx or get the sewing machine out?

Bunbaker · 04/02/2014 21:44

Groan. DD is in year 9. I had better start a prom savings fund then!

januaryjojo · 04/02/2014 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jamdonut · 05/02/2014 00:10

we ordered a 1950's style halter neck dress off of eBay for £35 . I thought it would be rubbish,but was actually not at all bad and looked fabulous on . (It was from one of those Chinese prom dress retailers). There was no way we could afford £200 + which some people were spending!

She got a pair of heels in a sale from New Look, borrowed some jewellery from me that had belonged to my mum,but looked right with the dress,and did her own hair and make up. She did not look at all out of place. And she went to the prom with her friends in a people carrier. They all had a fab time . You do not need to spend a fortune!!!

DumSpiroSpero · 05/02/2014 23:25

Tbh I don't think £200 for dress and all accessories is that unreasonable if you can afford it.

Having said that they only comparison I have is with my friends DD whose prom dress alone last year cost £350 Shock ! Even she said within a week of the prom that she realised with hindsight that spending that kind of money on something she'd never wear again was a bit Confused Hmm . She's sold it on already having been desperate to buy a dream dress that she could keep forever only this time last year.

I've a few years yet to worry about it as DD is only 9 (but already taking an interest - thanks very much Disney Channel!). I'm aiming to set a sensible budget, then encourage her to be even more sensible by saying she can keep what's left over for the summer hols after her GCSEs Grin .

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 05/02/2014 23:52

I remember mine. My mother got me to wear one of her (numerous) dresses - a size too big and also worn by a teacher. Style.

DumSpiroSpero · 06/02/2014 07:13

My mum made my dress for about 30 - at my request and I.chose the pattern & fabric.

With hindsight I looked like Snow White on acid Confused Grin!

MimiSunshine · 06/02/2014 09:42

There is no 'etiquette'. Prom is an American event that has become a thing over here so that rather than buying a nice outfit (that you can wear again) for the end of school disco, its now almost expected that a small fortune will be spent on a dress that will only be worn once.

You are the adult and her parent, you set the budget and if she doesn't like it she can find a way to earn some of her own money to contribute.

My parents came with me to try on my 6th Form leavers party dress, i think they may have paid for it (£60) but i definitely bought my shoes, did my own make up and decided to pay the local hairdresser to curl and put my hair up, it didn't occur to me to ask my parents to pay for that and my mum didn't even know i was doing it until i came home with my hair done.

But then my parents started giving me a monthly budget for none essentials from about the age of 13, i found out about child benefit and asked for to be given directly to me, they agreed although i doubt i was given it all (just led to believe i had been and i negotiated a pay rise each year Grin ).

They would provide a school packed lunch but i could choose not to take it and buy a school dinner if i wanted to and school was walking distance but if i wanted to take a bus for the 3 mile round trip then i paid for it. The money could be spent on clothes as soon as i got it but if i didn't save any of it and then wanted to go to the cinema in week three and had nothing left then it was tough.
It taught me early on that money doesn't self multiply and that things weren't as cheap as i thought they were when its not your only expense.

mrsjay · 06/02/2014 09:45

dd got hers online 50 quid UK dresses online or something, why are you allowing your dd to behave like this I know it is an exciting time for them even if some parents think it is trivial but she is being a bit bratty about the whole thing, dont spend 100s it is ridiculous

jugofwildflowers · 06/02/2014 10:16

She wants to go to Bicester Village! I have told her the budget is £100 all in and I doubt we'll be able to find anything there but if that's what she wants to do I said we can go there and try things on and have lunch together at least.

Thanks for the advice and links Thanks

OP posts:
Topaz25 · 06/02/2014 14:16

How about making a deal that you will go to Bicester Village with her if she also looks at more budget friendly options to compare? It might surprise her when she sees how much more she can get for the budget elsewhere!

I just got a gorgeous gold Coast 2 Piece Ball Gown off eBay for under £15! I'm wearing it to a friend's birthday but it would be perfectly appropriate for a prom, the seller wore it to her graduation ball. So there are secondhand bargains out there, especially since these sort of dresses are normally only worn once.

jugofwildflowers · 06/02/2014 22:11

Yes, I will. It's the 'trying dresses on' experience that she craves, can't say I went through any such stage myself but I am going along with it as we do value time together as well as looking forward to a nice lunch.

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