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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Prom dress!

90 replies

jugofwildflowers · 03/02/2014 21:53

My dd asked me a year ago to go shopping with her for a prom dress and wanted the whole experience to be a fab mother/dd bonding experience but because I baulked at the cost of a one off dress potentially costing £100s and suggesting we try charity shops first she hit the roof, 'sacked' me and said she'd rather go with her aunt instead.

Fast forward to today, she wrote me a 'text' apologising for 'sacking' me and now wishes to go with me and I mentioned a budget, she said no other of her friends' mums were like that! She said it should cost £200 including shoes, bag, dress and I said she'd need to go halves. She was outraged!

Please help, what is the etiquette about these things? We don't have a lot of cash, I have only just started work and we are going skiing at half term which is expensive. I am the sort of person who wears charity shop stuff anyway and have never had my hair cut at a hairdressers in my life, nor had my nails done etc etc.

She is very different, likes all the feminine stuff but it cost so much. She is helpful around the house for which she gets an allowance, she is popular, hardworking, a lovely person, does voluntary work too.

Am I being overly miserly just because I don't agree with this sort of imported materialistic thing and because I never asked my own mother for demands such as this? She says she lives in a different time and would re use the dress etc. I have 3 dds so whatever I start will be a precedent.

What are other mumsnetters doing? and what is reasonable?!

OP posts:
Mama1980 · 03/02/2014 22:34

My dd has her prom this year, I will give her £50 anything over that she pays for herself from her allowance or money she's earnt. She is thinking of altering a old dress of mine, she loves sewing etc and has some nice ideas. Could your dd do something similar?
I could (and I know how fortunate I am) easily afford to pay hundreds for a dress but I won't and she understands why.
Can you separate the emotion of it from the expense? Find other fun ways to enjoy the 'experience', together, look up designs online, pininterest some quirky unusual ideas?

YellowTulips · 03/02/2014 22:39

This has been mentioned up thread, but it's worth reiterating....

It's fit that really makes a great dress. A five hundred pound dress can look cheap and nasty if it doesn't fit right (remember Gwyneth Paltrow's pink couture Oscar dress?).

A friend of mine took this to the extreme and bought a dress for her wedding 3 sizes to big but had it fitted by a local seamstress. It looked amazing and really enhanced her figure - it cost £50 and the same again for the fitting. It looked like it cost thousands....

jugofwildflowers · 03/02/2014 22:41

Mazzle yes, my dd said she knew I wouldn't be excited like other mums which is why she at first did not want to go with me. She is a beautiful girl anyway who does not need to wear make up or do up her hair!

I am being such a spoil sport but cannot for the life of me sum up any enthusiasm whatsoever for hitting the shops with her. I might just remind her she has sacked me after all. If she had been willing to look for one on Ebay or in a charity shop then I might have been able to muster up more enthusiasm.

My dd and her friends have also been excitedly talking about their prom for over a year now.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 03/02/2014 22:53

My DD paid for her own dress from babysitting money (about £70 IIRC). I paid for shoes (charity shop because they were the nicest we could find) hair accessories, fake nails and alterations to a velvet cape my DM bought for her from eBay.

Her prom partner's sister got her boss's chauffeur to drive them in a posh car as a favour.

She looked beautiful.

jugofwildflowers · 03/02/2014 22:54

My dh cuts my hair and I cut his! I also cut all my dc's hair, it's not that difficult and have been doing it for years now.

OP posts:
MazzleDazzle · 03/02/2014 23:00

This reminds me a bit of my wedding. My DM just wasn't interested and begrudged spending anything. I ended up paying for everything myself, fair enough, but it was her total lack of interest that really hurt.

I had this romantic idea of having a girly day out, lunch somewhere nice and dress shopping! Instead I went myself. I didn't invite her. I was so envious of all the other brides and their mothers.

It's not about the money. She just wants you to be excited for her!

jellybeans · 03/02/2014 23:01

Many of DDs friends spent 20.00 on ebay and most did own hair. But teens tend to focus on those who are very well off. Many more will be on a budget. For DD we spent 80.00 on dress (sale at Debenhams) 30.00 on shoes, 10.00 ebay clutch, 60.00 hair (grandparents paid), 20.00 jewellery, other grandparents contributed a lot with dress etc, we were very lucky. Didn't use limo either but gave DD and 2 friends a lift. More than half arrived in normal cars and the school is quite affluent.

thenightsky · 03/02/2014 23:03

I got DD's dress from a local Dress Agency for £65. It's a black Frank Usher sheath dress, off one shoulder, split to the thigh with crystals around the shoulder strap. It's stunning for £65 and she's worn it 3 times and I've borrowed it twice.

google dress agencies in your county.

tinytalker · 03/02/2014 23:05

We took a gamble and ordered a prom dress from Hong Kong off Ebay. It cost £22.60 + £5.50 p&p. It looked amazing in the photos and we thought we'd chance it. Well 3 weeks later it came and it is 'stunning'! My dd is thrilled with it. It is quite well made actually and fitted her well. She got her shoes from Debenhams for £40 and a clutch bag for £30. She is so happy and so is my bank balance!!!!!
It's this one (and it is very true to the photo)
www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Long-Chiffon-Evening-Formal-Party-Ball-Gown-Prom-Bridesmaid-Dress6-8-10-12-14-16-/301041036294?pt=UK_Women_s_Dresses&var=600179825913&hash=item461771ac06

FootieOnTheTelly · 03/02/2014 23:19

Quick, get shopping! There are some fantastic sales at the moment. Debenhams have lots of dresses for 70% off.

My DDs paid half but spent over £150 each on their dresses. No other costs at all - hair, makeup, transport etc was all free. They had long dresses so wore plain'ish but comfortable shoes that they borrowed from me. Their dresses were absolutely amazing though. Smile We sold one of the dresses for £65 afterwards.

We saw lots of lovely cheaper dresses when we were shopping including really stunning ones for around £35.

FootieOnTheTelly · 03/02/2014 23:20

Tiny. That dress is amazing! It looks much, much more expensive.

WhileWeSleep · 03/02/2014 23:23

Try etsy. That's were I'm looking for DSis

WhileWeSleep · 03/02/2014 23:23

where* Blush

IneedAsockamnesty · 03/02/2014 23:32

couthy did you see the dress linked to on eBay up thread. It comes in that colour and may very well fit the requirements and at £45 it's a steal.

jacks365 · 03/02/2014 23:40

Typical dd2 has just come and asked when we can go prom dress shopping I completely forgot she has her yr13 one this year. Thankfully yr13 they all wear short. So any suggestions for a short prom dress for a 5'9 size 4/6 teen.

CouthyMow · 04/02/2014 00:19

Oooh, Sock! Don't say that! I've money in the bank and everything...

CouthyMow · 04/02/2014 00:20

Angry Links don't work on the iPad!

Bunbaker · 04/02/2014 06:36

I'm inclined to agree with Mazzle that the fact that you are just not interested is probably part of the reason your daughter is throwing a strop. This is about her special night not your worthy sounding ideals, and I think she is allowed to be frivolous once in a while.

BTW there is no way I am letting OH near my hair Shock, although I do cut his.

Morgause · 04/02/2014 07:56

I'm forever grateful I only had sons when it comes to Proms. I think they are awful, competitive and prone to bring out the inner bitch in most 16 year old girls. It's an American import we could have done without.

Having said all that, if it mattered to my daughter I'd probably go along with it. Prom dresses can be bought on ebay and she doesn't need to tell her friends where it came from. Or you can buy dresses made abroad at a quarter the price they are here. get her to look through some with you but if she doesn't see anything she likes then pay up - but make it a birthday present, maybe.

FootieOnTheTelly · 04/02/2014 08:45

Morgause
My DDs and DS's and their friends all seemed to have a fantastic time at their various proms. It's all a bit self indulgent and over the top but it's fun. Maybe it very different at other schools. The boys seemed to enjoy it as much as the girls and a lot of them had put a lot of effort into their outfits.
Obviously, Some of the kids got very drunk at various after prom parties but the prom part of the evening was well regulated.

It was a great ending to their time at the school.

MiniSoksMakeHardWork · 04/02/2014 08:58

Yanbu. I have a wardrobe full of dresses for various functions that I go to and only my non-traditional wedding dress was full price, but worn several times. None of the other dresses cost more than £50 and all came from debenhams.

We bought a gorgeous prom dress for my niece for Xmas from littlewoods clearance on eBay. Brand new, £8. So bargains are out there if your daughter is prepared to search and be flexible.

ILoveWooly · 04/02/2014 09:04

I had a prom when I was 17 (quite some time ago) and I recall my parents paying around £150 for a dress then.

I would advise taking her asap as there are so many good sales on atm. JL, Coast and House of Fraser have lots of 70% off maxi dresses.
I got a short work dress and a long dress to wear to a wedding in Coast @ House of Fraser yesterday for £104. They also have fab shoe sales around.

If you want to save on hair etc start practicing curls or hair up now. Could she get ready with a friend and help each other with make up?

jugofwildflowers · 04/02/2014 10:25

She doesn't want to get it off ebay saying the fun is in trying on all the dresses.

Groan, how does one muster up enthusiasm for traipsing around shops.

She looks fab in whatever she wears.

I am no longer a sahm, I have just started up my own business, I used to spend a lot of time with her going to National Trust properties and having a bonding cup over a cup of tea and cake which she still loves to do to have mummytime (being one of 4 quite important to do).

But I have been working w/es recently and love my work and we need the money!

OP posts:
MomOfTwoGirls2 · 04/02/2014 12:00

Op - I think you'll have to fake up some enthusiasm. It is clearly important to her. I think she will be hurt and disappointed in you if you can't fake some excitement for her.

longtallsally2 · 04/02/2014 12:10

Op book a day out trying on dresses with her, with lunch, and perhaps try on shoes too. But before you go, decide what your budget is and discuss that with her.

Trying on dresses is free, and fun! Look together on ebay first, and let her know that if you are giving her say £80, then what she spends it on is up to her - she can go with you to try on dresses and shoes and either stump up the rest herself, or come home having had a fun day with you and then buy on ebay!

Be happy that she wants to go with you!

Mazzle, love the dress on Ebay for £40.