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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to SCREAM after hearing this from 3yr old DS?

53 replies

TheOrchardKeeper · 03/02/2014 14:47

So the last time ex had DS he came out with the gem of 'leave me alone, I'm just going outside for a cigarette'.

I asked if ex smokes around him and he said no (and although he was lying it seemed likely it was just smoking outside within eyesight of DS inside IYSWIM and there's not much I can do about it if he won't admit it).

But within 5 minutes of him being home from this weekend with his dad he picked up a drumstick and said 'I'm just having a cigarette in the car' Hmm

There's not much I can do as ex denies it & you can't stop contact over it (well you can but it's not 'the done thing').

Ex's dad died at 49 from a heart attack (he was skinny and ate well but smoked 40 a day for twenty years) and I'll be gutted if DS picks it up.

AIBU to just feel so frustrated I could scream? Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/02/2014 14:47

(DS always reeks of fags too so I know someone's smoking around him).

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/02/2014 14:52

(And I've tried talking to his mum about it to as he lives with her atm but they all smoke a lot in the house when he's not there so I think it was pretty pointless trying really. Really hope they make it illegal to smoke in cars...).

OP posts:
snoggle · 03/02/2014 14:52

YANBU of course. What's your relationship with XH like? Can you just tell him what DS did and say that he's obviously picked it up from somewhere?

I don't blame you, I would be very upset at this

Mishmashfamily · 03/02/2014 14:54

My mil was like this with her other dgc. It's incredably selfish if he is smoking around hm.

I hate it when mil has just a fag outside my front door, often blowing the fucking smoke in my house when she is coming back in. The smell of her is disgusting and she always makes a bee line for dd.

Tell him if your child comes home smelling of smoke again , he will have to have supervised visits.

snoggle · 03/02/2014 14:54

Can you ask for contact to take place somewhere else? Especially if they smoke in the house- even if he's not there, residual smoke can have an impact on health

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/02/2014 14:54

I've mentioned that DS has 'copied' someone and none of my family smoke (some of us are ex smokers but DM is now on the electric ones and barely uses it and I stopped when I was pregnant). He said he didn't know where he got it from Hmm

Hence why it's so frustrating. I hate the thought of DS being stuck in a smoky car Sad May be a bit OTT but he is my one and only atm to be fair.

OP posts:
Mishmashfamily · 03/02/2014 14:57

It's not OTT.

Why should he have to be subjected to passive smoking?

Of course he knows who is smoking round him!

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/02/2014 15:02

My mum did smoke when we were little but always waited til we were at school/in bed and did it outside so I know she wouldn't ever do it in front of DS & she hasn't had him overnight for months anyway.

I think i'm going to have to be firm about it as it's one of the only things I don't feel I can be lax on. I let most of it slide by as he's the NRP & we all do things differently but this is a health issue.

DS also had a sore eye (sent him to ex's with drops) and a cough so how on earth he thought smoking around him unwell was fine I do not know...

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/02/2014 15:04

I don't know what to say though. I don't want him in my house for visits if I can help it plus he just moved miles away so it's 'only worth having him if he can have him for a few days'. Pfft.

Why can't he just wait til he's in bed/his mum can watch him etc. Most parents don't smoke 40 a day for a reason...

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Mishmashfamily · 03/02/2014 15:12

Maybe if you say, " I know someone your end is smoking around him. It's something that's really important to his health that NO ONE does. If he comes back reeking of fags, he won't be coming again "

Maybe the threat might be enough.

The fact he has to have a couple of days so it's 'worth' the travel is off!

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/02/2014 15:13

Might just ring him at some point before the next visit to say I know he/others are smoking around him and that it needs to be handled differently when DS is around. Might bring up the fact they're seriously considering making it illegal in cars with kids due to the documented health risks etc. He'll probably be difficult about it but I just can't suck it up Sad

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Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/02/2014 15:14

Thanks.

He has moved 3hrs away with his mum for cheaper housing (he lived 10mins away previously) so it's his own fault if the trip is a bit long Hmm

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Mishmashfamily · 03/02/2014 15:16

Cross post!

Dp will not have anyone smoke around dd.

Regarding the smoking in car with dc I would honestly say " if you smoke in the car where my son is trapped. You won't get in another car with him again " put your foot down !

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/02/2014 15:48

I don't feel like i have another choice really. I've tried sorting it the nicer way tbf.

OP posts:
snoggle · 03/02/2014 16:52

You're not being OTT at all- why would you want your child (one and only OR one of several) to be exposed to something harmful? Most parents feel that way, and so should he.

It is of course important to minimise unnecessary conflict but I think you are perfectly reasonable with this; it's not for the good of your health or to be awkward, it's to protect your child.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/02/2014 17:08

Thanks for the replies Brew

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DanceParty · 03/02/2014 17:11

I shall be glad when MN bans all smoking threads. I am sick of them all.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/02/2014 17:17

ok then Hmm

if it's so trivial to you then why not ignore them?

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Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/02/2014 17:18

ok then Hmm

if it's so trivial to you then why not ignore them?

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MrsGarlic · 03/02/2014 17:18

Hmmm. I'm in two minds TBH. I am not a smoker and don't even really know anyone who is. But I do feel your ex is your son's parent too and entitled to make choices affecting his welfare which you disagree with, when your son is in his care. YANBU to feel frustrated, I have to admit I do feel a bit judgy when I see pregnant women smoking, or people smoking over a pram or in a car with children. But your ex is a parent too and I'm afraid I think it is not on for you to even threaten to stop contact over this.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/02/2014 17:20

I wouldn't stop contact but I would change it if he keeps smoking with him in the car. The car is very different from smoking at the back door etc (which is still gross but I can almost overlook as DS can walk away/isn't so close).

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AppleYumYum · 03/02/2014 17:22

Oh I would be RAGING!

Totally unacceptable, it's hard if they all smoke and will think you are being silly, but it is your job to protect your son and his health, don't be ashamed to say as the other posters have advised, if he smells again supervised visits. If he's driving three hours I doubt he can cope not smoking a few on the trip Hmm. Would he/family consider electronic cigarettes? I think they are meant to be cheaper too?

The new worry is third hand smoke, scary! I bet the house and car are a chemical nightmare.en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third-hand_smoke

blahblahblah2014 · 03/02/2014 17:24

The government have done a great job in brainwashing you all that "smoking is the devil" - How would you lot have coped in "the good ol' days" It's a bit of smoke, he breathes in worse from the cars walking down the road! Cotton wool job, get in the real world - It's just smoke, stop being overly pathetic like he's going to keel over and die!

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/02/2014 17:26

Well it's no coincidence that his dad started smoking at 12 and also grew up in a house where both parents smoked 15+ a day in the house Hmm

It's not just the smoke, it's the health implications. It's bad for him now and if he picks it up later because his dad does it then you can't tell me that's a good thing, surely?

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blahblahblah2014 · 03/02/2014 17:28

Statistically you are more likely to take up smoking before the age of 16 if neither of your parents smoke - FACT