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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell Exdp he sees all dc or none of the dc's?

77 replies

Shellywelly1973 · 03/02/2014 00:39

Very briefly Exdp left in December. We'd been together 14 years. Dd12, ds 8, Ds5 & baby due last week.

He's been in Scotland since Christmas. He's not spoken to dc or seen them. He wouldn't give me any money. Paid January's mortgage payment & made it very clear he would be unable to make any further financial contribution. He's self employed & not worked since he went to Scotland so CSA unable to help.

He contacted me via email tonight to see why I haven't informed him of the birth...I'm 6 days over due. Very unusual for me. He thinks I'm lying. He told me he wants to see Dd12 & Ds5. Ds 8 has ASD& ADHD. Ds5 is being assessed for ASD but Exdp doesn't acknowledge his difficulties. He doesn't want to have contact with ds8 or the baby. This baby was planned.

He expects me to put Dd12 & Ds5 on a train in the February half term by themselves & travel from London to Scotland- oh & I will have to pay!

So aibu to tell him you see all the dc or none of the dc?

Do I deny the 2 dc he wants to see the opportunity of a relationship with their father?

Aibu for shaking with anger as I'm 40+6 weeks pregnant. Single parent of 4 dc. 2 ds with SNS. Going back to work at 6 weeks so I can pay the mortgage. Absolutely skint. Giving birth by myself...

Its not about me, I know that but I'm fucking angry. I've no perspective of my situation. Aibu or do i shut up & take what he's offered the 2 dc?

OP posts:
whatsagoodusername · 03/02/2014 10:29

Apart from the fact he's hideous, I'd be wary of sending your 5yo. If he doesn't want to know the 8yo because of his SN, I wouldn't be surprised if he ditched the 5yo if his SN become more apparent as he grows older. It would be even more cruel to him to have Daddy want a relationship, then reject him a year or two later if he becomes difficult.

Pigsmummy · 04/02/2014 08:02

Can you get a mortgage break of six months to give you some breathing space? Then get CAB appointment regards benefits and maintenance from ex. Print out emails and write down your ex partners financial situation. Do you a joint account or any financial records relating to his income?

As for visit, just don't respond to email. When baby arrives ask someone else, maybe health visitor call him.

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 04/02/2014 20:51

Thank you for all your replies. Sorry i didn't respond but I gave birth yesterday morning.

I have lost all perspective of my situation. Exdp & i were never married. It's my house. I bought it a couple of years before i met him. We have no joint bank. The only thing we shared were the dc!

My response was the same as many of yours but I didn't or couldn't work out if my response was reasonable!

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/02/2014 20:59

Giving birth? That's no excuse Wink

Wow, congratulations :)

Hope you are OK and enjoying your new baby.

ILoveWooly · 04/02/2014 21:00

Most reasonable!

Congratulations, now go snuggle with your lovely children!

DangerRabbit · 04/02/2014 21:08

Congratulations on the birth of your new baby!

And wow, what a dick, at your xp.

haveyourselfashandy · 04/02/2014 21:10

Congratulations! You are an amazing woman x x x

Only1scoop · 04/02/2014 21:10

Shelly....Congratulations xThanks

mummytowillow · 04/02/2014 21:14

What Summerblaze said, sorry your going through this. I can't believe he expects your 12 year old to supervise his sibling on a train on their own all the way to Scotland!

He's a dick I'm sorry Sad

mummytowillow · 04/02/2014 21:14

Ooh, just seen you've had your baby, huge congrats!! Smile

hoppingmad · 04/02/2014 21:17

Congratulations Thanks

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 04/02/2014 21:17

Well it was a bad idea having a planned baby with someone who never bothered to start a real relationship with a child you already had..but I realise that's all done now.

But no yanbu to tell him to fuck off. I would make no efforts whatsoever in fact as he sounds like he should have no involvement with any of your children. Let him do the running. He is a twat.

Congratulations on your new baby :)

Dahlen · 04/02/2014 21:17

Congratulations on your baby. Smile Flowers

I have a feeling that you and your DC are going to be absolutely fine.

I would refuse to send the DC on the train. IMO it is not in the best interest of any of the DC to have a relationship with a father who is going to openly favour some, deny the existence of others, and basically play them off against each other. THe damage he could do to the sibling relationship between his DC carries greater weight than the possibility (and an unlikely one of that) of good that may come from a relationship with a man capable of behaving like that.

While contact and maintenance are separate issues, I'd also sweetly point out that since you have financial responsibilities to keep a roof over your DC's heads and foods in their bellies, you simply cannot afford the rail fare. He is, however, welcome to come to your place and then he can see all four DC in one go. Smile

Frikadellen · 04/02/2014 21:23

Congratulations on your baby girl.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 04/02/2014 21:25

Congratulations Grin

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/02/2014 21:27

Congratulations,

Oh and this

I think at 12, your dd is old enough to have some say into whether she wants to see her father or not. You can give her all the facts and let her make a choice, with your support of course. I don't think it's your place to decide whether she sees her Dad or not, but it is absolutely your choice to decide whether you are happy for her to take the train and whether you want to pay for it

Is exactly what I think as well

tooearlytobeup · 04/02/2014 21:28

Huge congratulations on your new daughter, that is amazing news Grin

As for your XP, words fail me! I have a DS13 and DD6, so older than yours but same gap. I would never ever consider putting him in charge of her for a journey like that! What is something went wrong? The elder would never forgive themselves, its not fair to put the responsibility on them because their father cant be arsed.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. If he can't act as a father to all his DCs he is not responsible enough to be trusted with any of them.

MushroomSoup · 04/02/2014 21:29

Congratulations!

VikingLady · 04/02/2014 21:51

He moved, he pays travel costs and facilitates travel. In this case he would have to pick them up or provide a suitable chaperone. For ALL DCs.

Utter arse!

How far away are you?

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 04/02/2014 22:00

Oh my god.Your ex is a massive fucker. Fuck him anyway,just enjoy your beautiful new baby and don't bother responding to any contact from him until it suits you. You will be fine without him there to get in the way. Congratulations on your new baby.

CouthyMow · 04/02/2014 22:10

Congratulations! Thanks

Mmm...new baby smell.

Jemimapuddlemuck · 05/02/2014 01:00

Congratulations lovey Flowers I wish you and your brood all the happiness in the world. You sound pretty darn amazing!

FlockOfTwats · 05/02/2014 01:55

My friends Dad used to do this. The three kids would go outside and he'd put the two boys in the car, leave the girl. All three were biologically his. No special needs. The only reason that anyone could think of was that she was a girl.
It hurt her like hell.

Don't let this man do this. It's all or none.

I'd be interested to know what a judge would say to this!

ChippingInWadesIn · 05/02/2014 04:38

Flowers Congratulations :)

I am so so sorry he is being such a wanker :(

I would talk to DD, she's old enough to understand and make her own decision. I wouldn't run him down, but I would be honest. I would tell her that you haven't stopped him calling or visiting, that it has been his decision. That he wants to see her and DS5 but not DS8 or the baby & why. I would say that he has asked if they will go up in the holidays but that you have NO intention of sending DS5 and that it is her choice if she wants to go or not (if he provides a ticket) and that you wont be cross with her either way. Warn her though, that you fully expect him not to bother buying her a ticket.

I would reply to him 'DD is considering whether she wants to come to see you if you send her a ticket, I will let you know when she has decided so you can organise the ticket, DS will not be coming'. Don't be emotional or make any excuses or anything. Bare minimum.

Ignore the part about why you haven't let him know about the baby, the absolute bastard cannot have this both ways.

I don't know how the CSA works if one parent is in Scotland and if he works for himself it may all be pointless anyway, but I'd certainly be making enquiries when you feel up to it.

Please try not to let him/it spoil all of your time with you lovely new baby, you will never get this time back and he's not worth you missing out on it.

Do you have some good childcare set up for when you have to go back to work :(

I really really feel for you - he is a cunt of the first order and I never use that word.

DroothyNeebor · 05/02/2014 11:06

Congratulations an the new wee one
Will he be coming down to go with you to register the birth?
If so he can visit the kids then.
No caring father would want a 12 year old and a 5 year old travelling that train journey unaccompanied

I'd reply with the info on the birth then that you feel its not safe or fair on your 12 year old to travel unaccompanied on the train let alone be responsible for a 5 year old but if he wants to come down you are more than willing to make arrangements for ALL the children to see him.

You are not denying him contact, it's the suitability of the arrangements