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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell Exdp he sees all dc or none of the dc's?

77 replies

Shellywelly1973 · 03/02/2014 00:39

Very briefly Exdp left in December. We'd been together 14 years. Dd12, ds 8, Ds5 & baby due last week.

He's been in Scotland since Christmas. He's not spoken to dc or seen them. He wouldn't give me any money. Paid January's mortgage payment & made it very clear he would be unable to make any further financial contribution. He's self employed & not worked since he went to Scotland so CSA unable to help.

He contacted me via email tonight to see why I haven't informed him of the birth...I'm 6 days over due. Very unusual for me. He thinks I'm lying. He told me he wants to see Dd12 & Ds5. Ds 8 has ASD& ADHD. Ds5 is being assessed for ASD but Exdp doesn't acknowledge his difficulties. He doesn't want to have contact with ds8 or the baby. This baby was planned.

He expects me to put Dd12 & Ds5 on a train in the February half term by themselves & travel from London to Scotland- oh & I will have to pay!

So aibu to tell him you see all the dc or none of the dc?

Do I deny the 2 dc he wants to see the opportunity of a relationship with their father?

Aibu for shaking with anger as I'm 40+6 weeks pregnant. Single parent of 4 dc. 2 ds with SNS. Going back to work at 6 weeks so I can pay the mortgage. Absolutely skint. Giving birth by myself...

Its not about me, I know that but I'm fucking angry. I've no perspective of my situation. Aibu or do i shut up & take what he's offered the 2 dc?

OP posts:
Evilwater · 03/02/2014 08:08

OMG how can he chose which children to love?????
Wishing you all the luck in the world.
Evil

ExitPursuedTheRoyalPrude · 03/02/2014 08:11

What an appalling attitude.

Hope the birth goes well OP.

Fairenuff · 03/02/2014 08:16

Actually I would completely ignore his email.

And any other emails. What have you got to lose? The children don't need someone like that in their lives anyway and neither do you.

He will have to make an effort if he wants to see any of them and he doesn't sound like the type that will bother. He will have to pay a solicitor and he won't want to do that.

Ignore him.

Enjoy your new baby, hope it all goes well.

Sharaluck · 03/02/2014 08:17

Shock that he is expecting a 12 year old and a 5 year old to travel all that way unaccompanied Shock Shock that alone is all you need as a reason for NO!

Jemimapuddlemuck · 03/02/2014 08:21

What a shit bag. What kind of a father would (a) pick and choose which of his children he sees and (b) expect a 12yo and 5yo to travel long distance on a train alone?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable and I'm certain no court in the land would enforce that.

Good luck with the birth op Flowers

WooWooOwl · 03/02/2014 08:27

Tell him you can't afford the train fare and that if he wants to see his children then he has to come to them.

I think at 12, your dd is old enough to have some say into whether she wants to see her father or not. You can give her all the facts and let her make a choice, with your support of course. I don't think it's your place to decide whether she sees her Dad or not, but it is absolutely your choice to decide whether you are happy for her to take the train and whether you want to pay for it.

firedengines · 03/02/2014 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

firedengines · 03/02/2014 08:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILoveWooly · 03/02/2014 08:40

You are most certainly not being unreasonable.
You have every right to be angry... but it is wasted on such a rat so save your blood pressure and put your feet up.

Respond to his email stating

'Given that you have had no form of communication with any of the children since before Christmas I am most surprised to receive such a bizarre request so close to half term.

Firstly, and most importantly you will have four children by them, not two. Secondly none of those four children are at a sufficient age where it would be safe for them to make a return train journey from London to Scotland alone (or with each other). Regardless of that I am in no position to pay for their travel as you no longer financially contribute to their up bringing, housing needs, nourishment or clothing - in short you do not contribute a penny to anything.

As you are aware DD, DS1 and DS2 are eagerly awaiting the impending birth of their sister and cannot wait for the opportunity to spend some good old fashioned bonding time with her over the half term.

Should you wish to visit all four children our address has not changed as I am still managing to pay OUR mortgage on my own. Should you wish to visit please reply and I am sure we can sort out a suitable time.'

dramajustfollowsme · 03/02/2014 08:44

He is vile, ridiculous and not giving a damn about his children.
Tell him to get to fuck.
I hope you have some support for after the birth. Have you considered a mortgage break to give you some leeway in case you are not physically able to go back so early.

Balistapus · 03/02/2014 08:44

Wow, what a selfish shit.

I too hope you have support from family/friends. I can't offer you any more than sympathy, but I find it heartbreaking that someone could put you in such a situation.

KayleeFrye · 03/02/2014 08:48

YANBU to refuse to let him pick and choose and dictate given what a dick he has been - but I wouldn't go with an "all or none" position - you don't presumably want him to call your bluff and take a tiny weeks-old baby along with the 3 older ones for any kind of overnight visit, do you? Certainly he never gets to choose between his kids though. If an kind of choice is involved, it's only the kids' choice that matters. No decent parent would ever even try to choose which child to see and which not to.

Like someone above said, the 12 yo is old enough to choose for themselves whether they feel they want to go and visit dad in scotland (but dad has to send the fare - and obviously the first X he sends is for his childrens' essentials for life and once he's contributed a reasonable amount to that THEN what extra he sends could feasibly be considered the fare to scotland IF dc12 actually wants to go.

KingRollo · 03/02/2014 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainbowfeet · 03/02/2014 08:53

Wow, he sounds like a lovely guy!! Shock

No, I wouldn't allow him to pick & choose which children he sees not would I put any of them on a train (esp at my expense) !!

You have a very full plate & I take my hat off to you for getting this far.. Concentrate on yours & your babies health right now.. Maybe get some legal advice & speak to Mortgage company they might be able to give you some slack until things are more certain.
I do hope you have lots of RL support Thanks

longtallsally2 · 03/02/2014 09:02

Another one feeling Shock Shock Shock at your ex.

If you did encourage your dd to have a relationship with him, you would have to bear in mind that this would change and perhaps damage her relationship with her siblings for ever. If he came to you at least you could pretend that he had come to see all 4 of them, even if he paid more attention to his favoured two. But to choose two out of four - no, no, no. You and your dcs are in this together. They can and will need to look out for each other - all for one, n one for all etc.

Expecting them to travel on a train alone to him, would also raise huge alarm bells for me as to how well he was able to look after his children. That's an outrageous suggestion.

firedengines · 03/02/2014 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzywuzzy · 03/02/2014 09:11

Shelley, if I were you I would start divorce proceedings from England, if he issues a divorce petition from Scotland, you will be expected to go up there and the legal system is very different from the English one.

My friend and her children are suffering hugely because her ex issued divorce proceedings from Scotland when he realised she was going to do so herself. She has to go up for all court hearings and had a hell of a time finding a lawyer up there as she lives in England (her lawyers are amazing tho), Scotland also has legal aid my friends ex qualifies for it and appears to be spending all his time dragging her back to court despite the matter having been discharged once already, she is divorced had to pay her ex a settlement despite being single with two children on benefits.

Her ex is currently attempting to get residency because my friend was moved from London to outside London by the council although she is now closer to Scotland, he is attempting to argue that she bring the children to Scotland each time they have contact or grant him residency (he's never taken care of them in his life and they've grown up in England).

Get legal advice ASAP on this. If its in the English courts already he won't be able to start a case in Scotland.

KarmaVersusGeorgeOsbourne · 03/02/2014 09:12

I am so shocked at this

Tell him to fuck the hell off. If he wants to see his children, he can come to your house.

I wouldn't usually say this, but he actually doesn't deserve to see any of his children

clam · 03/02/2014 09:12

Of course, it might be that he doesn't particularly want to see any of the children, and knows full well that you won't allow just two of them to travel up to see him. This way, he reckons he's put himself in the clear by offering, not realising that he's actually shown himself to be even more of a complete bastard in the process.

CerealMom · 03/02/2014 09:24

How is your DD? At 12 I'm sure she has a grasp of things even if we as parents try to shield them and think they don't understand.

Could you give her a 'lite' version of events and see what she want's to do? Not that I'm suggesting you put her on a train or make her responsible for a 5yr old. Just, I would never want my DC to turn around as an adult and ask, "why did you never let me see Dad?". Because things are never that simple and very few of us are that mean.

I'm sure she'll be conflicted (her desire to see her dad/have questions answered/not wanting to upset you) but this at least would give her a measure of control and an understanding of the situation.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/02/2014 09:26

"Do I deny the 2 dc he wants to see the opportunity of a relationship with their father?"
Would it be denying them, or protecting them?

Your eldest would be able to work out for herself that if daddy doesn't want to see her little brother, then there might come a time when daddy won't want to see her either. The poor girl could end up tying herself in knots trying to please him and not being rejected further down the line Sad. I honestly think it would impact her less to not see him under those terms.

12 is old enough to have a valid opinion - what does she think about him abandoning you all and trying to weasel out of his parental responsibilities?

I think it would be best for the children, including the ones he is willing to have visit him (he's a dick to ask that), that he sees all or none. I would consider responding to his request along the lines suggested by ILoveWooly with a dash of the response of BrunoBrookesDinedAlone.

Best wishes for the birth.

wherethewildthingis · 03/02/2014 09:53

What a vile bloody excuse for a human being. He should hang his head in shame to have left his family in this position and I just can't believe he would expect you to do this over contact. Don't enable his abuse of you and the children in any way.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 03/02/2014 09:59

Would it be denying them, or protecting them?

Good question.

I would think that all 4 children will be far better off not having such a callous, selfish, basically evil, man in their lives.

JackNoneReacher · 03/02/2014 10:11

Would it be denying them, or protecting them?

Agree with this ^

I'm certainly not saying deny access if he comes round and wants to make the effort to parent properly. But I wouldn't be packing a 5 year old on a train. Its not your financial responsibility to ensure they have a relationship.

It sounds odd. Is this in keeping with his behaviour over the years? Is he ill?

crabbyoldbat · 03/02/2014 10:24

Do not tie contact with the children to lack of maintenance. As advised above, send two different emails, don't mention them both in the same email.

Contact CSA anyway, if you haven't already - they'll only backdate to the date you contacted them, so its worth doing, even if you think you won't get anything to start wit.

And say no to his suggestion - 'that doesn't work for us' . No need to go into detail. And don't worry - I don't think courts look favourably on parents who move far away from their children, then demand the non-over pay for contact costs. Or on those who select which children to see, for that matter.

You are not denying them a relationship with their father - he is, by refusing to travel.