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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To really not mind what my DCs grow up to be

93 replies

Comessyouare14 · 02/02/2014 20:04

I obviously don't mean murderer or abusive partner or spiteful friend.

Career wise however I just don't care. I'd be as happy with a checkout worker and a SAHP as I would be with a doctor and a lawyer.

AIBU? Genuinely, as many of my friends have expectations for their kids - I don't.

OP posts:

Mamafratelli · 02/02/2014 20:55

We have a history of suicides in our family and telling your dc you just want them to be happy can be really hard to live up to. bitter experience speaking

What if they aren't always happy. What if they have a shit time of it. Much better to drop all expectations and just be there for them and be realistic that actually sometimes people are deeply unhappy but hopefully that's just a temporary thing. Much better to just say I love you for who you are.

HeadFullofSteam · 02/02/2014 20:59

To be honest, although we do not push them, I do want them to get half decent qualifications at school and go to college/uni as it is such a great experience. I hope they end up doing something they enjoy and don't end up in a crap job which they hate. I want them to earn enough to afford a reasonable standard of living too.

DH and I both worked after school and became students in our twenties, choosing courses that we really wanted to do. I have made it clear to our dc that they can do whatever they want to do, but that there is always the potential to change course down the line.

Pilgit · 02/02/2014 21:01

Content in their choices and always striving to be the best they can be. Able to acknowledge their failures and build on them to move on. To be compassionate and caring, aware of their impact on the world. What the do for money - as long as it's legal and not immoral I couldn't give a toss!

morethanpotatoprints · 02/02/2014 21:02

What a lovely thread and ditto OP

I have to older ds who aren't ambitious for any grand career. They are aiming for progression and would like to be secure as anybody can be in their jobs, eventually a modest home and lifestyle.

The eldest 22 works at ASDA, home deliveries (he's a good one, honestly) Mostly office based but will cover for deliveries. He has a degree in Sport Management, plenty of voluntary coaching work, none that are paid.

Ds2 19 works in a call centre, part time. He is good at this and is looking for something to progress to that will utilise his skills. They are both happy with their lives and I'm happy for them.

DD, is 10. She seeks fame, fortune and believes she will get there. No idea why she is so ambitious, but is driven, ambitious, determined and a perfectionist. So different to the other two and is convinced she was put on the planet to sing, she freaks me out.

Jinsei · 02/02/2014 21:07

Well, to some extent, I do care what dd ends up doing.

I am not remotely bothered about status or how much she earns, though I would like her to go through life not having to worry about money. I have no specific ideas about what she should actually do either. However, I don't want her to just do anything.

I want her to do something that is genuinely of her own choosing, that she enjoys and finds fulfilling. I want her to do something that she considers worthwhile. I don't want her to get to the end of her life, like my own mother, and feel regret that she wasted her talents, to look back and think that she could have done so much more.

Whatever she chooses, I will support her choice. But I will encourage her to make an active choice about what she wants out of life, about what it is that matters most to her.

manicinsomniac · 02/02/2014 21:10

YANBU

I do care. A lot. But I know that is me BU not you.

morethanpotatoprints · 02/02/2014 21:15

Manic

What profession have you decided upon for your dc
You might not be unreasonable.

manicinsomniac · 02/02/2014 21:19

I want them to be in Performing Arts in some vein - whether that be on stage, teaching, directing, behind the scenes, music, dance, marketing ... I don't know, just something cool and fulfilling. It's their passion, I want to see them able to make money from it.

But they're 11 and 6, I realise their passions may well change.

If they do, I hope it's to something they can live from.

Or of course - doctor or lawyer, I'm not sure you can go too far wrong as one of those!

MrsOakenshield · 02/02/2014 21:22

interesting how so many people plump for 'happy', as though that's such an easy state to achieve or maintain. There was an article in the Guardian a couple of years back examining this and the fact that a lot of young people feel enormously pressured to be 'happy' all the time, because that's all they hear from their parents - 'well, as long as your happy, darling'.

Just been hearing about a family friend's son who has hidden for years from his family how he stopped attending uni and had a breakdown etc, whilst keeping up the front of being happy.

Don't think that 'happy' is any more achievable that 'lawyer' or 'doctor'.

MrsOakenshield · 02/02/2014 21:22

sorry, x-posted with a few others.

gloriafloria · 02/02/2014 21:23

My wish is for them to be decent grownups, able to cope with the sh*t that life throws at them. Happy, of course but more importantly I would say resiliant. Who knows what this country/world will be like for them when they are my age? And to be optimists who will appreciate what they have and be content with it. I hope career wise they end up doing something they are passionate about and really enjoy.

FloozeyLoozey · 02/02/2014 21:24

No I'm not remotely bothered. I'd be extremely unhappy if he was a lazy bugger but as long as he has a strong work ethic and can hold down a job I couldn't care less. Not sure I could bare it if he joined the army though, I'd get far too worried :(

OvertiredandConfused · 02/02/2014 21:24

YANBU. That's how I feel. Although I do think it's really important that they do as well as they can at school so they have as many choices as possible.

BrianTheMole · 02/02/2014 21:25

I don't mind what they do as long as it makes them happy, and that they can support themselves. I want them to be independent and not need to rely on others.

expatinscotland · 02/02/2014 21:27

I'll be happy to see them grow up and be alive.

AnneWentworth · 02/02/2014 21:28

I do have dreams and expectations but I keep them to myself because ultimately I want them to follow their own path and be happy. I will support them.

As mentioned below, my parents didn't ever put any pressure on me. They let me find my own way and I do sort of wish they had had higher expectations sometimes but they were/are great parents.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 02/02/2014 21:29

I have a list of jobs I wouldn't be happy about if I am honest.. stripper/porn star/anything illegal/ and I would like for them to be able to sustain themselves.

goldenlula · 02/02/2014 21:30

Funnily enough, this has been a topic of conversation in our house this week after ds2's teacher basically told the class they would not amount to much (and used a job that she obviously feels is the lowest of the low) and only a handful would get 'proper jobs'. I told him would be proud of him, whatever he did and that the job in question was a perfectly respectable one and paid the person doing it a wage and was as important as any other job. He is 5, by the way, so had to be explained in simple terms but that was the basis of what I said.

chirpchirp · 02/02/2014 21:32

3 year old DS is adamant he is going to Santa when he grows up.

My parents didn't really take much interest in the possible future careers of my brother and I, I left school not knowing what I wanted to do, worked pretty much dead end retail jobs for a decade or so before finally going and training in something.

It does make me think that although I wouldn't push my kids into any particular field I would like to think I would help him to live up to his potential

gloriafloria · 02/02/2014 21:33

Fishermansfriend, your post has really struck a chord. To see your ambitions change like that is heart wrenching and I sincerely hope your dd is able to manage her anxiety as she matures. My own dd is 9 and has had some anxiety issues last year. It came as a bolt to us but was a real wake up call that made me realise what I really want for my kids is to grow up to be independent decent people who can enjoy life.

iliketea · 02/02/2014 21:38

I don't mind per se, and I do want her to be happy whatever she is doing. However, I think for happiness, you need to be able to meet basic needs, including not having to worry about being able to keep a roof over your head, food on the table and bills paid without having to count for every last penny.

So, while I don't mind what she does, my hope is for her that whatever she chooses in life allows her that.

loveroflife · 02/02/2014 21:39

I do care...I would like DS's to be comfortable and inspired and have a job that brings them satisfaction, challenges and pays well....a lot of my family struggle to make ends meet in manual, dull jobs that are repetitive and soul destroying with little chance of career progression.

sadly, money enables freedom, choice, travel, culture, experiences (yes, you can do without to an extent but it's limiting)

TheSkiingGardener · 02/02/2014 21:41

I have no idea what they will be. I am very excited to find out, it's like unwrapping a present to see what's inside. My hope is that they find something fulfilling and enjoyable.

At the moment, DS1 wants to be the Juno space probe. Not sure he's going to achieve that one.

loveroflife · 02/02/2014 21:42

also, not having a job that pays well prohibits independence - moving out, starting a family..I have a friend who earns 16k in s.e, she is 36 and still living at home...unless she meets someone she will never be truly independent, it's heartbreaking

CoffeeTea103 · 02/02/2014 21:45

I definitely want better for them than a checkout worker and I know that they will have higher goals than this. You can be happy and have higher ambitions both at the same time.

I grew up with the expectation from my parents to have a good education, career, job. And if they had entertained any less than that I don't know if I would have had motivation to do more than what I've done now. I hope to pass this on to my own children.

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