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Original poster

Need advise on how to handle mother/daughter issue

98 replies

Peggie157 · 02/02/2014 11:03

My 16 yr old daughter's got her first boyfriend, they've been seeing each other 4 months. They're at the same college and see each other a couple of evenings week. They live 20 miles apart, if he comes to our home I usually drive him home, buses stop at 8.45pm, and if she's at his, she gets the bus home which takes over an hour - she's done this twice and the rest of the times I've picked her up. My husband, her step dad was annoyed that when she first got the bus home he didn't even go to the bus station with her, but I've always stood on my own two feet and have taught the girls to do the same (first time married at 50).

I feel I have a good relationship with my daughters, I'm open with them and discuss, I think, all things and when she first asked to bring a friend home, and it was a boy we had a discussion about long term relations and what I perceived boys were like and that they had a very precious jewel that some, not all, boys were very keen to take, and that sex was sex but with the right special person it's love. There's no need to rush into things they have loads of years to go grown up things. Even mentioned contraception and what options there are available.

Several times when her boyfriend has been at our home she's asked if here can stay over, 'he'll sleep on the sofa' I've said no and he can stay later and I'll take home home - have to say at this point he is a very nice young man. Over the Christmas period my younger daughter read some messages between her sister and the boyfriend and came to me crying and upset at the content. I told my sixteen yr old that I was sorry and I'd seen the messages and was concerned, he'd mentioned 'when you going on the pill' and 'I've seen you naked'. She explained them away and I want to believe her.

She's asked on several occasions if he can stay over and I've said no.

Yesterday she asked if she can stay at his house, I asked were was she sleeping, and he has a king bed. His parents obviously have said yes and she tells me she is not going to be having sex, wrong time of the month! Did Tell her that won't stop some guys but she is insistent that there relationship is not at that level.

Tried a bit of emotional black mail this morning and sent this message:-
Morning, I didn't sleep well last night,! I love my baby and I want to protect her, as her mummy I don't think letting her stay at Ben's is this best thing and certainly not what a good mummy would do. I want to cry, if I cry will you not stay :(Please I love you and trying to make you happy is making me sad :( I can pic you up very late :) x
Her reply
A) protect me from what?!
B) how is it not the "best thing"?
C) how is it not what a "good mummy" would do? Surely a good mum lets her children learn from their own mistakes?, unlike heathers mum.
D) it's also making me sad you saying no.
E) I'm 16 and you're treating me like I'm 12... do you not realise that ? :(

How do I answer this?

OP posts:
CailinDana · 02/02/2014 11:55

When you told her "that won't stop spme guys" did you also tell her no one can force her to have sex and that if they do then that is a criminal offence, rape, and she can call the police or tell you and get all the help she needs?

SanityClause · 02/02/2014 11:55

You answer that by saying "you are right. I am sorry to have tried to interfere in your life in this way. I am really proud of you, and I am sorry I have been treating you like a child, when you are 16. It's sometimes hard for parents to judge how much independence to give to their Children, so please forgive me for trying to control you."

JenBehavingBadly · 02/02/2014 11:56

Peggie, that text you sent wasn't emotional blackmail, it was just weird and more likely to stop your dd from taking to you about stuff. V weird indeed.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2014 11:59

You've brought up a very sensible, level-headed and mature daughter, so you can't have gone far wrong.

I agree with that ^^

However, I'd be concerned about the other DD.

OP, by also reading the private messages when your younger DD came to you in tears (which is a little odd but still...) you have condoned her behaviour.

This is likely to encourage a distance between two sisters which is a shame. You never know when they might need each other.

Paintyfingers · 02/02/2014 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 02/02/2014 12:03

WTF is your younger daughter crying over what she read?

Even your "I have a happy 16 year old" message is creepy.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2014 12:06

Paintyfingers if you read the DD's reply, she doesn't use the word Mummy. She (like most 16yr olds) uses the word 'Mum'.

Groovee · 02/02/2014 12:09

I'm sure this is a moment every mother dreads, but we have to learn to let go and let them grow up and make their own mistakes. I would however be speaking to your younger child as that was an invasion of privacy. Bet she wouldn't like it, if it was her privacy being invaded.

Berryglitter · 02/02/2014 12:11

She's 16! Your message was weird. Apologise to your daughter and tell her that you support her decision. Then back that up by taking her to the family planning clinic so she is having safe sex.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2014 12:12

And buy her some condoms.

newmorning · 02/02/2014 12:12

"a very precious jewel"

That would sound about right in Downton Abbey but it's 2014 and these days it's neither precious nor a jewel - it's just a play station.

cory · 02/02/2014 12:13

Speaking as the mother of a dd of a similar age the one thing I would have dreaded (had it ever occurred to me) would have been her younger sibling behaving in such a peculiar way: I would have worried that there was something wrong with the child or that I had made some serious mistake in bringing him up.

FlockOfTwats · 02/02/2014 12:13

Why was the younger child crying?

YellowDinosaur · 02/02/2014 12:14

Snort at 'it's a PlayStation' :o

cory · 02/02/2014 12:14

ah newmorning, in Downton Abbey they're made of sterner stuff: they'll help you dispose of the body and arrange for trips to Switzerland [wink

PumpkinPositive · 02/02/2014 12:15

i was ok till i got to the last bit

You lasted longer than me. I went off the boil at "precious jewel".

MojitoMadness · 02/02/2014 12:16

First of all I'd be punishing your younger daughter for reading her sister's messages! Massive invasion of privacy, and if they upset her then maybe it'll teach her not to snoop!

Second you're still treating your daughter like she's 12, she's right. Let her go. 16 year olds have sex (she's over the age of consent). She's in a long term relationship, she's sensible about contraception and she's respectful of your rules. Give her some freedom, let her grow. Stop emotionally blackmailing her.

bodygoingsouth · 02/02/2014 12:16

sorry op I laughed at 'the special Jewell'!!!

ffs I have far more adult conversations with my teen dds who are 13 and nearly 15.

the older one had had a bf for a year now and he stops over on the sofa bed.shes in her room.

we have discussed sex and I have told her that when she feels the time is right, 15 onwards we will go to see the doctor together and chat about contraception.

dd1 is very mature though.

can't belive you write that twaddle to a 16 year old. ffs you should be proud of her for sensibly accessing contraception if she has or helping her too if she needs it.

what's with your other dd reading her messages. that's not on. I would be very angry if my 4 were reading each ithers messages and telling me about things.

dreadful behaviour and you should have told her off.

your older dd sounds completely normal.

how old were you when you lost your precious Jewell by the way? I was 15 at the park! Grin

bodygoingsouth · 02/02/2014 12:19

Groovee no every mother does not dread having a healthy teenager who becomes sexually active with sense enough to access contraception.

it's called normal life.

IDugUpADiamond · 02/02/2014 12:21

The email you sent your daughter is seriously fucked up. If you try emotional blackmail on her she'll end up viewing you as someone who's over dramatic and she will stop confiding in you. completely. You're coming across as extremely uncool which I'm sure it isn't want you want. Give your DD some space.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2014 12:21

I'm going to ask my local Jeweller if he can replace and re-mount my special jewel Grin

mrsjay · 02/02/2014 12:21

jeez you really sent her that are you always so dramatic she is staying at her boyfriends not running away to marry him DID YOU REALLY SEND THAT Hmm your daughter sounds mature and well grounded actually

newmorning · 02/02/2014 12:26

"how old were you when you lost your precious Jewell by the way? I was 15 at the park!"

In my mid-teens, I was walking along the road quite innocently when my precious jewel suddenly fell out of my knickers and rolled down a grid. Sad

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2014 12:28

In my mid-teens, I was walking along the road quite innocently when my precious jewel suddenly fell out of my knickers and rolled down a grid. Sad

And you didn't ask a drainage engineer to whip out his big rod and give it a good probing?

horsetowater · 02/02/2014 12:33

So you have now agreed to let her stay and apologised.

I think OP you have an unusual idea of what being a 'good mummy' is. Being a good mummy is about empowering your daughter to make the right choices herself, not trying to restrict her and make her fearful of the horrible things some men do to women.

I think the thought of her in another boy's house in his king bed is terrifying you because you still think of her as a little girl.

I think you are suffering from an inverted separation anxiety.

You have done the right thing now though so well done for that.

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