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Original poster

Need advise on how to handle mother/daughter issue

98 replies

Peggie157 · 02/02/2014 11:03

My 16 yr old daughter's got her first boyfriend, they've been seeing each other 4 months. They're at the same college and see each other a couple of evenings week. They live 20 miles apart, if he comes to our home I usually drive him home, buses stop at 8.45pm, and if she's at his, she gets the bus home which takes over an hour - she's done this twice and the rest of the times I've picked her up. My husband, her step dad was annoyed that when she first got the bus home he didn't even go to the bus station with her, but I've always stood on my own two feet and have taught the girls to do the same (first time married at 50).

I feel I have a good relationship with my daughters, I'm open with them and discuss, I think, all things and when she first asked to bring a friend home, and it was a boy we had a discussion about long term relations and what I perceived boys were like and that they had a very precious jewel that some, not all, boys were very keen to take, and that sex was sex but with the right special person it's love. There's no need to rush into things they have loads of years to go grown up things. Even mentioned contraception and what options there are available.

Several times when her boyfriend has been at our home she's asked if here can stay over, 'he'll sleep on the sofa' I've said no and he can stay later and I'll take home home - have to say at this point he is a very nice young man. Over the Christmas period my younger daughter read some messages between her sister and the boyfriend and came to me crying and upset at the content. I told my sixteen yr old that I was sorry and I'd seen the messages and was concerned, he'd mentioned 'when you going on the pill' and 'I've seen you naked'. She explained them away and I want to believe her.

She's asked on several occasions if he can stay over and I've said no.

Yesterday she asked if she can stay at his house, I asked were was she sleeping, and he has a king bed. His parents obviously have said yes and she tells me she is not going to be having sex, wrong time of the month! Did Tell her that won't stop some guys but she is insistent that there relationship is not at that level.

Tried a bit of emotional black mail this morning and sent this message:-
Morning, I didn't sleep well last night,! I love my baby and I want to protect her, as her mummy I don't think letting her stay at Ben's is this best thing and certainly not what a good mummy would do. I want to cry, if I cry will you not stay :(Please I love you and trying to make you happy is making me sad :( I can pic you up very late :) x
Her reply
A) protect me from what?!
B) how is it not the "best thing"?
C) how is it not what a "good mummy" would do? Surely a good mum lets her children learn from their own mistakes?, unlike heathers mum.
D) it's also making me sad you saying no.
E) I'm 16 and you're treating me like I'm 12... do you not realise that ? :(

How do I answer this?

OP posts:
AGoodPirate · 02/02/2014 11:22

Why can't she sleep there and leave the precious jewel at home? Does she take it to school? I'm confused.

thornrose · 02/02/2014 11:25

I missed the last line of your OP "How do I answer this"

I would reply "Oh dear my text was meant to be a joke I can't believe you took it seriously, ha ha Grin"

doorbellringer · 02/02/2014 11:27

You started really well sounding like you had a mature open relationship with good communication. Then you sent that freaky weird message. Does it seriously not strike you as odd?
Agree younger DD should be severely dealt with invading older DD privacy.

cory · 02/02/2014 11:27

I assume that you are from a different culture to most of us, or your reactions (and choice of metaphors) would be totally incomprehensible.

Even so, I would be very worried about the messages you are sending your younger dd if she has got the impression that it is ok to snoop on her older sister and then come to you in tears. If your own background means you cannot countenance this, then it is for you as an adult to deal with: you need to tell your younger daughter to stop this voyeuristic snooping about.

You also need to understand (assuming that you live in the West) that your dd is approaching adulthood and has to find her own balance between your culture and the surrounding culture; this is seldom the same from generation to generation.

If you want to keep communications open you need to be a good deal more sensitive and dignified in your approach to her than you have been so far. This text message about you crying will seem very alien to a girl who is (presumably) growing up in a culture that regards crying-to-sway-a-decision as immature and manipulative. (and if you doubt me on that score, read the reactions of the posters above)

ProcessYellowC · 02/02/2014 11:28

thornrose - brilliant suggestion

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 02/02/2014 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Haggischucker · 02/02/2014 11:28

Your answer should be - I'm really sorry I sent that god awful message last night, don't know what got into me. As l

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2014 11:31

Yes that's a good point cory

Why did the snoopy DD burst into tears at the thought of her sister going on the pill and showing herself naked to her boyfriend?

How old is the youngest? And I hope you went mad at her for violating her sister's privacy?

Haggischucker · 02/02/2014 11:31

Your answer should be - I'm really sorry I sent that god awful message last night, don't know what got into me. As long as you stay safe and are mature about sex and setting an example to your younger sister I'm happy to support your decisions. If you'd like me to come with you to the doctors for a contraception check I shall too. Above all respect yourself and make sure all your boyfriends do too.

I'm sorry I was a dick last night (optional)

:)

Lonecatwithkitten · 02/02/2014 11:34

I come from the 'they are going to do it not matter what you say school'. What I would far rather is that my daughter spoke to me about it and we could have an adult conversation about sex. Then that they have sex somewhere safe and that I know where she is.

ilovesooty · 02/02/2014 11:34

She sent that appalling message this morning. Even less excusable.

Nanny0gg · 02/02/2014 11:35

but I've always stood on my own two feet and have taught the girls to do the same

That does not equate with the rest of your post. And actually, I agree with your DH, it would have been nice if he's walked her to the bus - if only for more time together!

And I agree with everyone else - they are probably already sleeping together, your younger DD should have been in trouble for reading her sister's texts and as long as she has received good advice re safe sex she will be ok.

By all means, Your House Your Rules, so let him sleep on the sofa. There would be no chance of anything else with younger DSis around anyway!

IneedAsockamnesty · 02/02/2014 11:37

The only reasonable answer to that is,

I'm so sorry,I was being emotionally manipulative your right I am treating you like a 12 year old,I will try and have some respect for your personal life from now on. See you tomorrow.

She's 16 years old,she could move in with him and there is nothing at all you can do to stop her.

Original poster
Peggie157 · 02/02/2014 11:39

Thank you haggischucker,
The message this morning was emotional blackmail
She is level headed girl, and I'm very proud of BOTH girls
I've apologies to her for trying the emotional tool and said she can stay

OP posts:
dancingwithmyselfandthecat · 02/02/2014 11:43

So you recognise the text you sent as emotional blackmail. That's a start. You do realise that blackmail is well, exactly that? It's underhand, it's passive aggressive and it's not something which should happen in healthy relationships (familial, personal, business).

Virginity is not a "precious jewel". It just means that you haven't done something yet. Your daughter isn't a better or more precious person for staying a virgin longer. She won't turn into a psycopath or grow green horns just because she has had sex. Also, you can have sex without staying over all night.

I take your point that 16 is young. I thought I knew everything at 16 and I certainly didn't. But she is legally old enough. Moreover, unless she has some sort of learning disability or is under pressure it is HER decision to make. Emotional blackmail might actually make it harder if she is under pressure from her boyfriend because it will affect a) her sense of healthy boundaries and b) her belief that the can talk to her mother if she needs to.

For what it's worth, I stayed a virgin until I was nearly 19. I am no better a person for it, and actually having sex in the context of a relationship when I was 16 with someone else of equal or similar levels of experience would probably have been a lot better than a short series of desultory one night stands with men who were 15 years older than me.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2014 11:45

When is she staying with him?

Electryone · 02/02/2014 11:45

Why call yourself Mummy? Confused It gives me the shivers and makes me think of Psycho...

You missed out what punishment you gave your younger DD for snooping as well. And as for "precious jewel", there really are no words!

thenamestheyareachanging · 02/02/2014 11:46

I'm also wondering if this is a reverse or a wind up.

I'm in the minority in that I would be very upset and unhappy at the idea of my 16 year old dd having sex with someone she's unlikely to have a long term relationship with. But I accept I'm in the minority, and that all I can hope is that I've brought my children up to make responsible decisions and that we have a good enough relationship for them to be open with me.

Behaving like this is only going to get in the way of communication between you and your daughter. This "Mummy" and "Baby" business is not going to help anyone. It's also manipulative and emotional blackmail. Your dd is trying to make some adult decisions and deserves to be spoken to like an adult. This "precious jewel" business is only making you sound out of touch and will stop her relating to you - most of her friends will be having sex by now, it will be the norm, that is the cultural norm these days.

Why didn't you want him to sleep on the sofa? I'm not sure what that's about. Even I wouldn't have an issue with staying over in separate rooms.

And why did you look at her texts? Just because your younger daughter had done so, there was no need for you to follow suit. It shows a lack of respect and boundaries. I hope you've spelt out to your younger daughter, who sounds a bit of a sneak, that her behaviour is unacceptable.

All you're doing is pushing your daughter away, and if you want to maintain a good relationship of honesty and respect with her, you need to change your whole approach.

How should you reply next??

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have doubted your decisions, you are a sensible and mature young woman and I am proud of you. Sometimes it is hard for me to see how quickly you are growing up, but I trust you to be responsible. See you tomorrow. Love, Mum"

Electryone · 02/02/2014 11:47

Thanks for coming back but you seem to have missed out answers to some questions posters were asking you.

Original poster
Peggie157 · 02/02/2014 11:48

Thank you all for your response, I have a happy 16 yr old

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 02/02/2014 11:49

Is tonight not a school/college night?

CailinDana · 02/02/2014 11:50

That's good Peggie well done. By "precious jewel" I presume you mean virginity? Please don't sell another generation of women such horseshit. Virginity is a construct set up by society to shame women into staying "pure" for marriage while men fucked around as and when they pleased. First time sex is just another one of life's milestones, it is not a commodity to "lose" or "give away" and it is certainly not there to be "taken" - because that would be rape. Yourdaughter sounds very mature. Ensure she's sorted for contraception, be there for her to discuss any problems and let her enjoy this new experience.

Birdsgottafly · 02/02/2014 11:51

"tells me she is not going to be having sex, wrong time of the month! Did Tell her that won't stop some guys "

All that would matter there is if it would stop your DD, otherwise it's rape.

Sex should only happen if the two people involved want it to.

I worry at the messages that you have/are giving her.

Luckily it sounds, that she has found a decent lad to start her sex life with.

It sounds as though you haven't given your DD's the tools to protect themselves from any form of abusive behaviour.

That would worry me.

ilovesooty · 02/02/2014 11:51

No comment on your younger daughter's behaviour?

thenamestheyareachanging · 02/02/2014 11:55

Peggie, you've taken advice on board and I respect you for that. You've brought up a very sensible, level-headed and mature daughter, so you can't have gone far wrong.