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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect other people's children to say please and thankyou?

53 replies

Marylou2 · 01/02/2014 22:52

I'm hosting a sleepover for my DDs birthday and while most of her friends are relatively well mannered, a couple of them are ill mannered little madams who have ordered DH and round for the last 6 hours without a single please or thankyou. I could scream!

OP posts:

ParsleyTheLioness · 01/02/2014 22:54

YANBU. However, nothing to stop you both giving hard stares and saying "What's the magic word?". Your house, where you are Queen.

Annunziata · 01/02/2014 22:55

Repeat: 'What's the magic word?'

and be glad you're not their mother!

SirChenjin · 01/02/2014 22:56

Exactly Parsley. Maybe they are not encouraged to be mannerly at home, but in your house you expect the basics - "what's the magic word" should be enough of a reminder.

Idespair · 01/02/2014 22:57

Yabu. Children who have been trained to say thank you will do it. But if they haven't been trained to its hardly their fault.

Goldmandra · 01/02/2014 23:01

Better that someone kind reminds them so that they learn at some point than they are allowed to go on being rude and end up at a disadvantage because they piss less tolerant people off.

If a child forgets I simply say "Did you mean could I have some xxxx please? It usually does the trick.

Original poster

Marylou2 · 01/02/2014 23:02

Thankyou for your responses. I can't wait for tomorrow morning. The parents of the offenders will find them on the doorstep if they're not here by 10am. .

OP posts:

Starballbunny · 01/02/2014 23:03

Sadly both of mine are here.

You'd be welcome to give them your best death stares, mine don't work.

BackforGood · 01/02/2014 23:05

YANBU to expect it, but YABU to let them behave like that for 6 hours+.
As other have said, you should remind (or explain to) them, the way people are expected to speak to each other in your house.

canttypefortears · 01/02/2014 23:06

Slightly different spin on this. My little boy is extremley shy. He struggles to even get out please, thank you, sorry, thanks for having me etc etc.

He is well behaved and truly is polite, but just hasnt got the confidence to use it out of the family. He generally gets away by nodding and pointing etc. Not worried about his shyness as he is vocal with his friends and will in time grow out of it.

My personal worry is that people automatically assume he is rude!

In your case they were making demands so not exactly shy. Bad bad manners afraid! Kids need them drilled into them so it becomes automatic. Not so well brought up im afraid!

Original poster

Marylou2 · 01/02/2014 23:15

Thanks for that Canttype. Your DS sounds lovely. I'd hope I wouldn't confuse rudeness and shyness.These 2 definitely aren't shy! But I will watch out for that in future.

OP posts:

CocktailQueen · 01/02/2014 23:20

YANBU! This annoys me too when dd has friends over. I will remind them - what's the magic word? Or pretending not to hear them till they say please.

They usually remember to say please and thank you if they have vsited before! And I have trained them to say 'thank you for a lovely tea, please may I leave the table?' after tea

Mellowandfruitful · 01/02/2014 23:25

YANBU and I make kids say it by saying 'PLEASE' at them. They always get it so although they haven't been trained, they are clearly aware of the general idea. DS is pretty good but I remind him every time he forgets. It's very important to me that he gets to the point where it is automatic. I also get at kids who make demands.

canttype I have met kids like your DS and there is a clear difference between that sort of shy behaviour and the demanding rudeness, so I don't think anyone reasonable would misinterpret him.

Diamondjoan · 01/02/2014 23:30

Just sounds like their folks are knuckle draggers maybe, haven't taught the kids any manners so probably not their fault.

Goldmandra · 02/02/2014 00:10

I make kids say it by saying 'PLEASE' at them.

I have done that too but got into the habit and embarrassed myself by saying it to an adult on two occasions. Both times it was richly deserved but it's really not the done thing

shrunkenhead · 02/02/2014 01:08

No, you are not being unreasonable to expect manners.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 02/02/2014 02:01

I've had 3 of DDs friends over on 7 hour play date today.
I had to tell one of them 'We have to ask for treats in this house', as she was just going to cupboard to help herself!

I would definitely make them say 'Please' and 'Thanks'. But I'm a cross old biddy...

AlwaysDancing1234 · 02/02/2014 05:46

I have to do this with my nephews! The older one is 7 but can still act like a toddler just helping himself to treats from cupboards (climbs on worktop to get at them), snatches things, won't sit at table to eat and doesn't say please or thank you unless prompted. I have noticed he will now be polite with us but forgets all manners around his own parents!
Good manners cost nothing and I bet they wouldn't get away with it at school (oh dear I sound like my Gran!)

lalouche · 02/02/2014 05:57

I say this to dd (nearly 6) until I'm blue in the face, but she still forgets 70% of the time. Shes shy too, but not at home, so im at a loss as to why she finds it so hard to remember. I dread other parents thinking this of me - I'm sure they must sometimes. Trust me it isn't for want of trying!

pinkflower1 · 02/02/2014 09:46

Canttype, my dd age 4 is the same.
She is so shy and if someone gives her something she gets more shy and either looks at the floor or whispers thank you into my leg.
Teachers say she is fine at school though and she always uses please and thank you at home.
Hate people thinking she's rude but then she would never ask for anything in someone's home either.

Gladvent · 02/02/2014 10:23

Best way is to catch one of the group saying thanks and then loudly comment on what lovely manners they have - 'what a lovely thankyou! You're welcome sweetheart, you're a credit to your parents. I'll have to tell them how well behaved you are' etc etc. Pour encourager les autres.

deemented · 02/02/2014 10:29

I'm a firm believer in Manners maketh the man, and my children have manners and I expect them to use them. YANBU to expect it of guests in your home, imo.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 02/02/2014 11:01

I don't let this bother me.
I say please and thank you. I encourage ds to do the same and he sometimes needs reminding.
I think it's polite but I don't flinch when other ppl don't say it tbh.
I find it a bit ....... Uptight-y when ppl correct other ppl's children on this. Not sure why.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 02/02/2014 11:04

Ah. But if I felt I were being "ordered around" and it wasn't possible to make a game of it I would probs just make myself a little less "available" so I could stay cheerful.

CrabbyWinterBottom · 02/02/2014 11:05

YABVU to put up with it!

A face and...

Was that a polite request or an order? Because I didn't hear the please.

Wow do you order everyone around like that?

Excuse me? Is that how you ask for things?

In this house we say please and thank you, and I'd like you to do so as well please.

Or some variation!

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 02/02/2014 11:09

No excuse, even if parent don't make them sat it at home, I assure you there teacher doesn't stand for being ordered about. . They're trying it on to see if they can away with it.... Don't let them!

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