AIBU to expect other people's children to say please and thankyou?

[Marylou2]

I'm hosting a sleepover for my DDs birthday and while most of her friends are relatively well mannered, a couple of them are ill mannered little madams who have ordered DH and round for the last 6 hours without a single please or thankyou. I could scream!

On phone, please excuse grammar/spelling

We had friends to stay recently and while I wasn't that surprised that their 4 year old didn't say please and thankyou, I was that neither of our friends asked her to, not once, or corrected her endless 'I want's. They have lovely manners themselves so why on earth aren't they teaching them to their child? Wow, all emoticons fit in this post!

I don't get involved in my kids' friends' manners. Most are polite, others are not. I do make a point of discussing the more egregious breaches with my kids afterwards, though (if I remember) because I don't want them to think it's OK.

YANBU but if you let it continue then YABU.

I would tell them to say please and thank you. If my children were at someone else's house and I wasn't there to remind them, I would be perfectly happy for them to be reminded by another child's parent.

Thanks again for all your responses.They've all gone home now and I'm much calmer. Have threatened DD that if she ever behaves like that in anyone elses home when I'm not there she'll be grounded for a month.Not that I think she would though as she's been well trained since the moment she could speak by old fashioned me! .

I'm about 95% YABU.
I think part of being a gracious host is to overlook that kind of small thing. I would consider it bad manners to make a fuss out of such a small thing.
If they annoyed you then don't invite again.
Doesn't mean you can't mention your expectations to own DC, but I wouldn't speak about it in a resentful way.
I wouldn't take credit over whether DC said TY or Please. Probably because I don't rate my efforts very highly in how they turn out.

Lljkk I'm with you! As I said, I'm a real stickler for making sure my kids say pls and tk. 3yo has it nailed, 5yo just doesn't. I wish I had the confidence of posters above thinking that it is their ace parenting that has resulted in their polite children. Also, how do you know how your child behaves in your absence?!

You're 100% correct lljkk I'm certainly not gracious host and have no interest in becoming one if it means putting up with rude behaviour from guests. I guess life's too short!

"a " gracious host...

How old are the kids, OP?

I don't see a lack of manners as a small thing at all

In fact my kids get embarrassed when their mates don't say please or thank you...and they tell their mates off before I get a chance.

And it's nothing to do with 'ace parenting'.

Most kids will learn to say please and thank you if you refuse to give them what they're asking for, unless they do.

When mine were younger, I totally would expect whichever adult they are with, to remind them to say please and thankyou if ever they didn't. It all helps them understand this is what society expects, and that it's not some quirk only of your own mother.
It's nothing to do with being 'a gracious host' IMO, and everything to do with helping little people to learn the norms of the society/culture they are living in. You're not doing anybody any favours to think they can just get what they want by demanding it.

Gladvent that's a dreadful idea! They'll get teased and be embarrassed.

I agree. Surely the poor kid would be mortified to be singled out like that?

If you model polite behaviour, and occasionally remind children, they get it eventually.

I hate rude, demanding behaviour, but I think if children have a friendly and grateful outlook on life, saying please and thank you sometimes comes later, and that is fine. Parroting the words in a sing-song way is not the point, in my opinion. I also find parents who aggressively demand pleases and thank-yous to be embarrassingly rude. There is a way to say in a conspiratorial undertone: "Don't forget to say please" which I think helps children to remember without mortifying them.

Worra, I do that, EVERY single time. Dd still forgets 8 times out of 10. I'm sure (we'll, I hope) she will get it eventually, but in the meantime..?

Claraschu I may be guilty of that, you're right that I should maybe be less uptight in how I demand ps and as from dd. given how important it is for most people, including me, I find it hard not to be mortified and react accordingly (esp knowing that some people must think, as evidenced by this thread, 'tsk, what dreadful parenting she must get') More than half of it is shyness, but even so it is like banging our heads again a brick wall. How many thousand times is it possible to fruitlessly remind a child of something?!

If they annoyed you then don't invite again.

That would be the easy way out..but wouldn't help the child who won't realise why people think he's an entitled brat. I am sure most kids would rather just be told this is how the world works and continue to be invited to people's houses.

With children I just don't do what they want until I hear the magic word. Sometimes they ask 4 times for something and I just look at them blankly and then the penny drops. I blame the parents.

I remind kids. I would want someone to do it for mine.

You don't have to be arsy about it. I just say 'is there a please with that?' with a smile and slight raised eyebrow. It always works in my experience, whether the kid is 5 or 15.

What were they doing in that they ordered DH and I around for six hours - were you giving in to their demands?

We host a lot of sleepovers but no child has ever 'ordered me around' - perhaps boys are different to girls?

I hate the 'magic word' concept- it suggests that if you say please you will magically get whatever you want. Our dcs would think abracadabra was a magic word..

I tend to teach 'please' by pretending I can't hear rude or entitled requests (I wear a hearing aid that can't hear whining, rudeness or complaining!).

I've done this infront of a child's mum. The child ordered me off 'her' seat so I automatically said 'did you mean to say please may I sit on that seat?'
She then asked again nicely and her mother just looked at me.

I'm so used to picking up my own children on their manners that I said it before I thought about it. I would be happy for an adult to remind my children to be polite, as long as they were nice about it.

Ragwort you are right! We did allow this to happen and behaved like total idiots.We are professional, competent people in our working lives but also parents of an only child having her first big sleepover at home.We have learned our lesson and will be better prepared next time. I think you're right about boys. DDs 7 &8 year old friends who are boys tend to pop into the kitchen and refill their own popcorn rather than lying on the sofa bellowing for me to do it. Although I'm sure most girls do too.

Using the word please doesn't necessarily ran you are being polite - it depends on the tone used.

In the same way that not saying please does not mean you are being impolite i.e. "May I have the salt?" is not impolite.

However, thank you should be a given.

Also leading by example, should impress the importance of being polite i.e. saying please and thank you to your own dc when the do something for you.

That said it does make my teeth grind if people (not just children) never say please or thank you at least once.