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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To exclude DS3 from the parties?

102 replies

AnneWentworth · 31/01/2014 14:19

Ds1 (8) and DS2 (6) are having birthday parties this weekend, both have asked that DS3 (3almost) goes to GPs and I feel bad for him.

He is hard work and despite our best efforts does interfere with them an awful lot. I am doing both parties at home by myself and DS1 is having a quite grown up party with a small group of friends that I can see it would be difficult to have DS3 at - and he wouldn't be able to take part.

DS2 though us having the standard pass the parcel affair and he would enjoy it and it feels sad to exclude him from this one. It would be tricky though as I would be doing the games and have to keep an eye etc if he wanders off.

Part if me feels like they often give in to DS3 so if they want it to be just their friends then that is ok but I also think he would love being involved.

OP posts:

curlew · 31/01/2014 23:47

"I find this all a bit baffling. How would you feel if both you and Dh were planning to be there and they said "Dad can stay but we'd like you to go out Mum, so we can really enjoy our party"?"

That's not the same at all. It's much more like an 18 year old saying "16 year old sibling can stay, but mum and dad, can you both go out so I can really enjoy my party" Which nobody at all would think unreasonable- even if they wouldn't do it!

AnneWentworth (with a name like that I'm sure your social instincts are impeccable) that's what I meant. The family party includes everyone- including 2 year old and grandparents. The friends party doesn't. Perfectly normal and acceptable.

steff13 · 31/01/2014 23:47

I think your sons are being reasonable to not want the younger one at their parties.

My 15-year-old son is having a sleepover tomorrow night with four of his friends. Our 12-year-old son will be there, but our 3-year-old daughter will be spending the night at Grandma's house. She helped me shop today for junk food for the party, she is very excited to help out and very excited to get to spend the night with Grandma.

I find this all a bit baffling. How would you feel if both you and Dh were planning to be there and they said "Dad can stay but we'd like you to go out Mum, so we can really enjoy our party"?

I don't think this is quite the same situation. Unless mom runs around and disrupts the party and generally behaves like a toddler. If that's the case, I would say it's fine to exclude her.

attheendoftheday · 31/01/2014 23:55

I think it's a bit mean to exclude the little one, particularly as the other two siblings are including each other. I accept he may be too little to realise, but what will happen in the future? I'd worry about what message you're sending to your children about their different family status.

Will the little one be able in a couple of years to choose to exclude his siblings from parties? Or maybe just one of them, at his discretion?

Surely you can find a way to supervise the little one so he doesn't ruin the party.

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/02/2014 00:01

I don't see anything wrong it separating your youngest DC from the "friends" parties.

Much younger siblings are so frustrating sometimes. Allow your eldest this one off.

curlew · 01/02/2014 00:08

I have children with a big qge gap. They are 18 and 12 and love the bones of each other. But one of the reasons they do is that the older one was allowed to have time free of her little brother. He was not allowed to muscle in on her and her friends unless they actively wanted him. Not difficult to manage tactfully- and absolutely essential if you want a good sibling relationship.

MintChocAddict · 01/02/2014 00:11

Send him to GPs. I can't believe the number of posters who are outraged by the idea. He's not even 3 yet and will have no clue what he's missing. I speak as one who has a very full on 3 year old. I wouldn't have considered letting him do his thing at DC1s party and did exactly what OP is considering recently. Until DC2 has learned not to be so impulsive and downright destructive then it's completely unfair to have him impact on DC1s party.
Dc1 has the right to have age appropriate fun with friends his own age without everyone having to focus on the antics of a very busy 2 year old.

Maybe you only understand if you have a very spirited child!!! I love him to bits incidentally, but he's utterly bonkers.

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/02/2014 00:14

100% agree with curlew

My sibling is 8 years younger than me. My parents deployed similar rules.

As my sibling gets older we are developing a great adult relationship.

flatmum · 01/02/2014 00:16

My 9y old recently had his birthday party at the cinema with friends, both his younger bros were there and it all worked out great - his Mates love fussing over him. I take the points about them being young and not realising, but where does it end? The world is a harsh place as you get older bad having siblings you feel close to is a good thing I feel. The quality of this relationship starts at 2 or 3 ime ....

Littleen · 01/02/2014 00:21

I'd be very frustrated as a child to have to include my much younger sibling in my birthday party without wanting it myself (at any age!!)
He can do something else, which he might enjoy even more :) Defo wouldnt ask for money donations from the older siblings - effectively paying to keep him away?

curlew · 01/02/2014 00:23

Absolutely, flatmum- and part of that relationship is letting the older ones have space. Of course it's fun to do stuff all together. But it's fun to do stuff with your friends as well.

MintChocAddict · 01/02/2014 00:23

flatmum My two have a great relationship however they are individuals as well as siblings and entitled to their own space and time.
IMO until younger ones have mastered the art of self control, it's perfectly acceptable for them to be removed from situations such as social events of older siblings. It's not cruel or mean -just common sense.

Dubjackeen · 01/02/2014 00:27

Sounds to me like he will have a ball at grandparents house, he certainly won't feel, in any way, 'excluded', in my opinion.
It's no harm at all. Let the older ones have their parties. It can be hard getting the balance right, but in this case, he will be busy living it up at the GPs. And putting myself in the GPs shoes, I would be loving the chance to have him, and spoil him a little!

scantilymad · 01/02/2014 06:11

Send the youngest to the grandparents and they can make a fuss of him. He will much prefer it to going to a "big boy" party where he feels he has to be on best behaviour or that he is always being told 'no'. But maybe set an age where he will be a 'big boy' too (even if it's only four!) when he is to be included in the older one's parties. My parents did this for me and I was so proud to be grown up enough to go to a 'proper big girl party' at the grand age of six!
The older ones need to feel it is their special day and little toddlers don't understand that.

wigglesrock · 01/02/2014 06:55

I'd do & have done it without a second thought. I have an 8, 6 and almost 3 year old. My youngest regularly goes to her nanas if my eldest is having some friends over or has had a birthday party at home with school friends. My elder 2 love their little sister but she's annoying & doesn't give them a minutes piece sometimes.

I really don't get the issue, I take the kids out individually, my eldest goes out with my aunt without the other two, my youngest does stuff without her elder sisters. Tbh most people I know do this with regards to birthday parties.

Purplepoodle · 01/02/2014 07:13

I think unless you have an adult to specifically care for ds3 at the party (to be able to remove him if he starts play up) then I would send him to gp.

bellsandbutterflies · 01/02/2014 07:34

We have 10,8&4 yo DC. We are lucky to have a really lovely babysitter and I have taken her to parties, or left dc3 home with her. He is delighted to have her to himself and the older two enjoy having my less divided attention.

dietcokeandwine · 01/02/2014 07:35

Three DSs here too with quite large age gaps (mine are 9, 4 and 1) and younger two have never been to DS1's parties. We have always had a separate family tea with cake etc at which we all celebrate together.2

I don't think your older two boys are being unreasonable at all. My DS2 can also be very full on and I've always felt it fairer to let DS1 celebrate parties with friends without his little brother trying to take centre stage (as he most inevitably would!).

I also find that I am a more relaxed party host if I haven't got to worry about the little ones-they have much more fun being spoilt by GPs than they would being at the party with me getting stressy with them.

I suspect the posters saying YABU don't have larger gaps within their families. The dynamic is very different when you have a real spread of ages.

kilmuir · 01/02/2014 07:37

Why should he be allowed to spoil their party? Send him to GPs.
He can still enjoy the family stuff

AcrylicPlexiglass · 01/02/2014 08:07

My goodness. This seems like a complete no brainer to me. All normally developing 2/3 year olds are intensely irritating egocentric maniacs who should be excluded from any event demanding a modicum of self-restraint and thought for others. Your elder two very sensibly recognise this and don't want their parties ruined. It's absolutely fine for families not to do everything together and to divide and conquer according to developmental stage, relationships etc imo.

TamerB · 01/02/2014 08:15

I can't see the problem. Sell it to him as a special day for him with grandparents and send him. I can't see why the elder ones need to donate £5 towards it! Family life is give and take, the elder ones seem to give and the younger one takes- I can't see the harm in redressing the balance once in a while.

Original poster

AnneWentworth · 01/02/2014 08:48

Thanks for all of the opinions. He has woken up very excited this morning and is already packing his bag. MIL lives with extended family so he is delighted to spend his time with his one year old cousin who he says is his best friend. We have made a little bag of goodies for him and will save some cake.

I do spend one on one time, time with the older two and we all go out rampaging together. The older two completely understand that this is a special situation and that they can't at whim ask for him to not be around.

OP posts:

sandyballs · 01/02/2014 09:04

I think it's fine for him to not be there. Let your older ones enjoy their party.

One of my DDs wants a birthday sleepover and doesn't want her twin sister there. Fine by me, she is staying the night at a friends.

TamerB · 01/02/2014 09:15

Much more suitable, I do think that people over think these things from an adult point of view.

scantilymad · 01/02/2014 09:42

I hope its a lovely party!

Bowlersarm · 01/02/2014 09:45

Perfect OP.

I hope the parties go well, and ds3 has a fabulous time playing with his cousin and being spoilt by his grandparents.

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