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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To exclude DS3 from the parties?

102 replies

AnneWentworth · 31/01/2014 14:19

Ds1 (8) and DS2 (6) are having birthday parties this weekend, both have asked that DS3 (3almost) goes to GPs and I feel bad for him.

He is hard work and despite our best efforts does interfere with them an awful lot. I am doing both parties at home by myself and DS1 is having a quite grown up party with a small group of friends that I can see it would be difficult to have DS3 at - and he wouldn't be able to take part.

DS2 though us having the standard pass the parcel affair and he would enjoy it and it feels sad to exclude him from this one. It would be tricky though as I would be doing the games and have to keep an eye etc if he wanders off.

Part if me feels like they often give in to DS3 so if they want it to be just their friends then that is ok but I also think he would love being involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnneWentworth · 31/01/2014 16:18

Jacks I can see where you are coming from in that respect. They want to have each other there but each will be helping me with music, handing things out etc. as somebody else said I have no doubt that from next year all are likely to be together.

OP posts:
anothernumberone · 31/01/2014 16:19

If my older DD had her way her sister would move permanently to her GPs. I personally would say no I do not like the precedence of exclusion. I would however plonk an adult by his side for the day and ensure he did not take over.

Bowlersarm · 31/01/2014 16:20

I think your DSes are perfectly reasonable not to want their baby brother there. He's only 2.

He can have a lovely day at the GPs and you can have a family birthday celebration together at an alternate time.

I'd go with your DSes.

Starballbunny · 31/01/2014 16:20

He's not yet three, he doesn't have to know about the party, he won't remember and he won't care.

Next year he may, the year after he will.

It's the perennial problem of larger spaced out families. I have two DDs three years apart, much of the time they are happy to do the same thing. Helps a lot that DD2 is the socially adept one, so the age gap is often less apparent.

DF has twins and a five year gap and like the OP finds sometimes it doesn't work.

Original poster
AnneWentworth · 31/01/2014 16:21

I don't have an adult and that is the problem.

OP posts:
Onesie · 31/01/2014 16:21

Maybe it's ok for this year seeing as he is very young and it will be hard to look after him and organise lots if children.

I think you could dress it up as a treat for the 3 year old but tell the others it's a one off to make things more manageable

Bowlersarm · 31/01/2014 16:22

OP have your spoken to the GPS about it and what do they say? They know your family well so their input could be valuable.

motherinferior · 31/01/2014 16:26

I agree with curlew.

Come to that, I'm trying to tread gently with DD2 about her sister's birthday bash with friends this Saturday: not all 13 year olds want a 10 year old along too.

manchestermummy · 31/01/2014 16:26

Maybe I'm not seeing the issue but when DD1 was making her invite list she told me "No DD2 no party" who fwiw was nearly 3 at the time.

WooWooOwl · 31/01/2014 16:27

I think it's fine to exclude the little one, and I think that considering your older ones have specifically asked, then it would be unfair to deny them their reasonable request.

If you insist that ds1 stays then you are basically sending the message that their brothers wishes are more important than their own even though it's meant to be their birthday event. That will build resentment and do the exact opposite of what you presumably want to achieve with these parties.

Andro · 31/01/2014 16:31

I have 2 dc 4 years apart, they adore each other but have neither the interest nor the desire to attend each other's birthday activities, so they don't. They both attend the special family tea and they choose to share the special time with me (usually attending a rugby/ice hockey match or other sporting event) and dh (normally pizza or something equally cheese related), so I have never pushed the issue of their celebrations with friends.

You just do what is right for your own family.

curlew · 31/01/2014 16:37

Nothing more guaranteed to sour sibling relationships than letting a little one muscle in on the older one's territory!

Bue · 31/01/2014 16:38

I don't understand the concept of a party held at home being a 'family event', even though it's for friends. Does this mean the older DCs should not be allowed to have playdates or spend any time with friends at home without their 2 year old brother present?

I think the older kids are entirely reasonable in this request.

Viviennemary · 31/01/2014 16:39

I think it is a bit of a shame if your littlest DS is excluded. But can see why the older children don't want him there. And they are entitled to enjoy their birthday with friends. It's a really difficult one. But on balance I think the best way forward is to give him a special outing on that day with grandparents if possible.

manchestermummy · 31/01/2014 16:46

But it's his house too! Understandable if you were paying for something per head but you are taking him out of his own house. Sorry but I find that really sad.

MrsPnut · 31/01/2014 16:57

I would send him off to his grandparents without a moment's hesitation. Children do not have to do everything together even if they are siblings.

Bowlersarm · 31/01/2014 17:03

I am astonished people find the situation sad. It would be sadder for the older sblings-especially the 8 year old-to have his birthday party spoilt. It's his party for his friends. Ds3 will be at the family party to celebrate.

RabbitPies · 31/01/2014 17:12

I'd send him. It'd be much more of a shame if his siblings had their parties spoiled by him.

HeadfirstThroughTheTimeVortex · 31/01/2014 17:12

Some people are really overthinking this and projecting their own emotional responses onto the 2 year old.

He will have a nice time with gps, his siblings will have a nice party with friends, then they will all have a great time at the family party.

HeadfirstThroughTheTimeVortex · 31/01/2014 17:16

"Nothing more guaranteed to sour sibling relationships than letting a little one muscle in on the older one's territory!"

Agree with this, sometimes they need their own space. They are all individuals, not one entity because they are siblings.

If the older two made a habit of excluding their brother then my opinion would change, but they don't, all they want to do is have a party with their friends without a toddler running about.

vulgarwretch · 31/01/2014 17:18

I don't see the big deal at all. I sent ds to a friend's for a sleepover when dd had her birthday sleepover. He had fun, she had fun, and I didn't have to deal with a 7 year old trying to get attention from a bunch of 9 yo girls who wanted nothing to do with him. Win win win.

It's the same situation here. Everyone will be happy where they are, you won't be stressed.

Ohbyethen · 31/01/2014 17:30

I think your older two are being perfectly reasonable.
They are usually kind and tolerant - but these are their parties with friends, not family, and they have specifically requested he is not present.
If they were my older two I would feel a pang of guilt about that and wonder if they felt they were second fiddle to the baby a lot.
Day to day when friends are over then yes, we all live here we are all included, but a birthday is a special day for a child (and judging by some AIBUs some adults) when they choose what they want to do.
If that is being able to play with friends without a baby spoiling their games or crying or generally being the focus of things as toddlers are wont to be then that is fair enough. They are not exclusionary in day to day life.

Why should they have to suck it up again that they don't get to do what they want and cut loose with friends because they are having to make sure the toddler can keep up?

curlew · 31/01/2014 21:35

Actually, it's just struck me- if it was a family celebration where it would be unfair and unreasonable to exclude the 2 year old, surely the grandparents will be there too. Problem solved. Grin

Original poster
AnneWentworth · 31/01/2014 22:46

Yes the family party includes GPs and some aunties, but our home is tiny no way could we do the family and friends together.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 31/01/2014 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.