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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to nearly burst a blood vessel over DH and the way he 'thinks'

49 replies

lilyrose123 · 31/01/2014 13:58

Today, Friday, I am on another long day at work.....
I have just received a text from DH
'Thanks for leaving me the pushchair'
This is referring the the fact that the pushchair is in the boot of my car here at work, we live about 3 miles away and nursery where he is collecting youngest DD from is halfway!
Now he does not want the pushchair to take her out, go the park, feed the ducks etc, its so he can get her to sleep then he can play his big boy games on his PS3 kill a few soldiers etc

I have text him back
It is as much your responsibility as it is mine
you are only working a few hours today
i am not superwoman
i cannot remember everything for the whole family
if you need it come and get it, its not that far away!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 31/01/2014 14:01

I would have just text back 'you're welcome' and left it at that.

God forbid he has any integration with his child. Do him good.

gamerchick · 31/01/2014 14:01

Interaction*

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2014 14:02

I would have said either

A) Sorry, I forgot to take it out (if it was my fault)

B) Then you should have taken it out (if he was supposed to)

It's really not worth falling out over.

Original poster
lilyrose123 · 31/01/2014 14:10

Most days i can accept that men are from mars and all that, that they have an inablility to 'think' for themselves or their children, if the DP doesnt do it or ask then to do it then it didnt need to be done.....fine.....but to then text me and blame me for your thoughtlessness really annoys the hell out of me
Oldest DD (5.5) is going to rainbows today after school for the first time, another mum has offered to take her with her own daughter,
yesterday i made sure she bought PE kit home, emptied it, filled bag up with casual clothes and shoes for rainbows, and sent her back with it today, my mum will be collecting her and bringing her home as she is passing that way so i asked if she would rather than DH taking DD (2) out in rain into van etc to get her
They are both having hot dinners today, so I have made packed lunches for the tea tonight so they are all ready,
I work 2 jobs, I take both swimming, I take youngest to tumble tots, I do more than 50% of housework and nearly all the shopping, I am in charge of all birthdays cards and presents...he doesn't even know when his grandads birthday is.....
I know this will be familiar territory for other people.....and I know people will say...just stop doing it all, most of it is for our children...
he works hard, but he is self employed and work is intermittent....his work comes in bulk....but means overall his wage is half of mine, and hourly rate about the same, he cannot see that means i work twice as many hours as him

OP posts:
Phalenopsis · 31/01/2014 14:12

More going on here than just the issue over the pushchair.

LaurieFairyCake · 31/01/2014 14:12

I'd have said 'No, I think it's in the car'.

Ithinkwerealonenow · 31/01/2014 14:12

Thinking like this:

Most days i can accept that men are from mars and all that, that they have an inablility to 'think' for themselves or their children, if the DP doesnt do it or ask then to do it then it didnt need to be done.....fine.....

Leads to accepting behavious in a relationship that leads to this:

but to then text me and blame me for your thoughtlessness really annoys the hell out of me

Men are no less capable than women, if they know the responsibility lies with them and won't be taken on by their other half. Don't stand for it.

HermioneWeasley · 31/01/2014 14:13

Why do you accept that "men are from mars and all that". Do you really think that men are incapable of thinking for themselves, planning, preparing etc?

Sounds like you've taught him how to treat you.

Lottiedoubtie · 31/01/2014 14:14

What are his good points?

plutarch14 · 31/01/2014 14:15

Men do not have an 'inability to think for themselves' - if they do, then why are politics, business, law and the arts all dominated by men? He needs to grow up.

For a start, why do you do all birthday cards and presents? If he doesn't send his mother/grandfather whatever a card then surely that is his problem?

You could start by just not doing anything that is solely for his benefit - don't wash his clothes, don't send his birthday cards, don't make his packed lunch. He's an adult, he needs to act like one.

peggyundercrackers · 31/01/2014 14:15

if you have 2 cars, his'n'hers then i think its the responsibility of whoevers car it is in to take it out. if you only have 1 car then its his fault..

Original poster
lilyrose123 · 31/01/2014 14:16

I know its not worth a fall out
its just the straw and camels back sometimes
every morning he sits drinking coffee watching tv as he starts work at 8am and he deserves to be able to sit down and watch the news before work, and told me the other day it was ok for me as i did not start until 10am, the fact that 6:30-10am was a marathon of kids, lunches nursery drop offs homework, tea in slow cooker, dishwasher emptied, school drop off and commute to work....
my coffee is drink whilst i spin around the kitchen, never ever to get to sit and watch the news,
if i dont organise evening meal, there is none Shock

OP posts:
TheWitTank · 31/01/2014 14:17

I wouldn't have bothered answering. Twat.

Kemmo · 31/01/2014 14:19

DH would (quite reasonably IMO) be pissed off if I took the pushchair to work in my car.

BUT he wouldn't send me a sarcastic email, he would just politely ask me to check before I leave in future.

And he can certainly think/plan for himself and wouldn't expect me to do all the stuff that you say you do.

redskyatnight · 31/01/2014 14:20

If you're not happy with the division of jobs in your house then you need to say so.

If you "always" do something, than DH will assume that you always will, unless you tell him otherwise. He is not a mindreader and won't work out you're not happy unless you tell him!!

ouryve · 31/01/2014 14:22

Men are human, and from Earth, just like us.

Instead of complaining, you need to stop accepting it and making excuses for it. No grown man should be relying on someone else to buy cards for their family. Let him see the diary with the dates in and let him face the music if he gets it wrong.

Let him make the kids a sandwich for tea. My 10yo with SN can make a sandwich, ffs. If he forgets, the kids will soon let him know they're hungry. Again, he needs to face up to the consequences if he gets it wrong or doesn't try hard enough. Those will be hungry kids and probably a headache for him.

My DH does forget things, or misunderstand things and I find that frustrating at the time. He probably feels the same when I get it wrong.

As for the text, if the buggy really isn't essential for him, I'd reply "you're welcome"

Original poster
lilyrose123 · 31/01/2014 14:23

we only have one car
he has a van for work, full of work materials in back
he wanted the pushchair for home to strp her in for an afternoon kip
I understand the points made, i really do, i would feel petty not washing his clothes with mine and the kids...
His mum texts me to ask if I have bought the cards etc, I have over the last 6 months or so told him to buy his own cards etc
the last one that he forgot i got questioned over by the inlaws i was quite firm about his responsibilities

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 31/01/2014 14:24

He is no less capable of thinking for himself than you are.

The point is, he doesn't have to.

So...you have to tell him. And stick to what you say.

ouryve · 31/01/2014 14:25

So, you tell his mum that he's a big boy now and can buy his own cards. Don't allow yourself to become mum 2.0 for him.

Original poster
lilyrose123 · 31/01/2014 14:28

his general stance is that he should not have to take the girls to any parties, playbarns, swimming lessons etc
if for any reason i cannot take them to a party or lesson as i am working he either says they can miss it or says to ask my mum to take them
he is a very half glass empty person and we have had many heated discussions about this, i have tried to talk to him, but its ends up with him saying i am nagging or always moaning

OP posts:
Lozcat86 · 31/01/2014 14:35

My DH took the pushchair to work with him the other day by mistake and stupidly I'd left the baby carrier/sling in it too Smile so I couldn't take DD out for some fresh air. I just text him and said "Doh! We didn't take buggy out of the car!" He replied with "Whoops!"
Not really a big deal. Doesn't seem like it's just the buggy really.
Brew

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2014 14:40

Most days i can accept that men are from mars and all that, that they have an inablility to 'think' for themselves or their children,

It's that sort of sexist attitude that makes you put up with (and cover for) his lazy behaviour.

Men are very much from Earth...the same as women are.

He can do as much as you...it seems he just doesn't want to and while you're doing it all, he certainly doesn't need to.

MrMeaner · 31/01/2014 15:12

Sorry, but he sounds like a bit of a crap dad...

Best part of the week for me, taking my son to hockey, even if it's at 6 in the morning, or my daughter to parties - super time to bond and chat and it didn't matter how old they were...

Good luck

MrMeaner · 31/01/2014 15:14

PS YANBU, although if this was a one off with no back story, then I'd say his text could have been read jokily...

ThatBloodyWoman · 31/01/2014 15:17

I think it's the car drivers responsibility not to take something with them in the car that is needed at home,if you both opted not to get it out of the car when you came home with it last.

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