to fee ever so sad about this?

[shockedandupset]

We had parents eve/mock results day today, and my DS did astoundingly badly. He is a clever boy, has a tutor for several subjects (who considers him A/A* standard, which is where DS thought he was). His results were Cs and Ds.

To hear his teachers speak was like discussing another child. Their attitude was he might get a B if he works hard - but that won't be enough to get him onto A level courses.

DS is now doing extra work in his room, I am in tears and have been since I got back from the school. I just can't believe it. It felt like a horrible dream as I sat there with them all telling me what a failure my DS is. I feel heartbroken :(

[MsAspreyDiamonds]

I failed most of my mocks & didn't do brilliantly in my GCSEs BUT resat did really well and went on to A levels and a degree and got a 2:1.

It didn't help me at first to hear my dad and teachers say I was a failure who would spend the rest of my life on the supermarket tills. BUT being the person that I am, I thought fuck you I am going to prove you wrong and I did. Never ever tell your ds that he is a failure, you should be aiming your fire at the teachers. What are they doing to prepare your son for the summer exams?

It is just not enough to know the subject, you need to know how to present the information in a way that will earn max no of points. My school taught me nothing in the way of revision skills and I had to learn the hard way. Sit down with him and find out how he revises and then fill in the gaps, good revision skills will help him for the rest of his life.

[MsAspreyDiamonds]

I failed most of my mocks & didn't do brilliantly in my GCSEs BUT resat did really well and went on to A levels and a degree and got a 2:1.

It didn't help me at first to hear my dad and teachers say I was a failure who would spend the rest of my life on the supermarket tills. BUT being the person that I am, I thought fuck you I am going to prove you wrong and I did. Never ever tell your ds that he is a failure, you should be aiming your fire at the teachers. What are they doing to prepare your son for the summer exams?

It is just not enough to know the subject, you need to know how to present the information in a way that will earn max no of points. My school taught me nothing in the way of revision skills and I had to learn the hard way. Sit down with him and find out how he revises and then fill in the gaps, good revision skills will help him for the rest of his life.

[Dilidali]

OP, if it is any consolation, I don't agree with 'letting them get on with it', giving bowls of icecream because the poor boy had a wake up call and hiding my disappointment. If you want to be treated like an adult, act like an adult.

I think mindmapping was a brilliant idea, gave him a focus. Equally, the goals he has set are not set in stone, as long as he has got the 'currency' to do whatever he chooses. He can go back later and say: actually, I don't want to do X, I want to do Y, but I have the A levels necessary to allow me to do so.
You sound sensible to me.
He needs to buckle up.

Hope you get a restful weekend. Let it brew a couple of days and then back to the drawing board.

[Theodorous]

Maybe you could focus on your life, get a hobby or go on a course. Living through your child is weird. Crying over a B is weirder. Being heartbroken is seriously Barmy. I feel so, so sorry for him.

[shockedandupset]

The children who are tutored from tear 8 were at my sons primary. He attends a different secondary school to them now.

I have received little or no communication from the school. Even last night, trying to get the teachers to explain the number of marks my son was short a particular grade, or even why he'd got the grades he had, was very difficult. The attitude was, you've got a C, or a D, you might improve 1 grade by the exam if you work really hard.

It still all feels like a horrible dream.

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

Failure? Crying? A horrible dream?

Bloody hell, poor kid.

[shockedandupset]

Believe me, I have plenty to do in my own life, I'm a single parent with a very demanding FT job. I don't live through him. If anything I've left him too much to get on with stuff on his own, which is how we are where we are.

[shockedandupset]

If you knew your DC wanted to go to uni, was clever enough to do it, and had just had a meeting with the school where you were told his exam performance was at a level which (from your knowledge of the grades other schools expected) wouldn't allow him to even get onto an A level course, let alone do a degree, you would feel upset. I'm sad for him, afraid it's too late (I hope its not), and guilty I didn't see this coming, or do something to avoid it. I feel as though I've failed him.

[Longtalljosie]

God you've been given a hard time.

OK - here's the situation as I see it. Your DS's school isn't that bothered about getting him into university and doesn't aim for high grades. You feel he can get them (and I believe you) and so does your tutor. But since your tutor is a uni student, it is true the tutor could be wrong about that. Your DS didn't revise for his mocks (now that is worrying I'd say).

He may be upset but since he's being told a place at sixth form college is unlikely, so he should be. If he wants to go to university and his lack of revision is putting that at risk you can't shield him from the consequences of his actions. Pretending him not giving his exams his best is just fine by you wouldn't be helping him at all.

You need to have a calm discussion with him and tell him (again!) that you love him and are proud of him - and ask him what he thinks the solution is. In the best case scenario he will say to you that he dropped the ball on his mocks and he wants to try harder now. Can you afford a professional tutor? Perhaps you can arrange your own mocks in six weeks time in the subjects he wants to take forward to 6th form college. If he gets B-D grades again, you'll have your answer. If he gets A-A*s, I'd ask to have a meeting with the head.

[JingleJoo]

Firstly, your son shouldn't have come home upset and then gone to do extra work. You both had a shitty evening, and should have just chilled out and calmed down. You both need some perspective and time out. Pressure and upset will just make this as bigger issue than it needs to be.

Secondly, both my school and 6th form college used to use mocks to shit you up and Gert you to knuckle down. I got all Es in my A level mocks and went on to do well and get in to a RG Uni.

This is not a disaster. It is redeemable with a cool head and calm approach. Have as night off tonight, get a takeaway and don't mention it.

[BobbinUp]

OP I also think you are getting something of a hard time. For lots of us we do want our children to succeed to the best of their ability and try to help wherever possible. This might be a blessing in disguise though.

I spectacularly failed my GSCE's and will never forget the feeling of opening my letter and seeing strings of D's. It was one of the most awful experiences of my life. My mum renounced god for letting this happen ! Luckily it was before the days of everyone getting A's and didn't prevent me from going to 6th form. I worked hard then though and have as many a'levels now as GCSE's plus a degree.

It's ok IME to be upset but you do need to explain why and support him now as much as you can to make this better together. If he is as bright as you say I am sure this might just be the kick he needs.

Good luck to you both

[Hissy]

I feel so terribly sorry for a young man that's had a bit of a shock, and rather than being up there supporting him, encouraging him and helping him learn, you're on here getting support for yourself.

For whatever reason you've allowed him to languish in a shitty school, taken scant interest in his education, and now you are 'shocked and upset'

You got a below par degree and want him to do better. I get that, but being so selfishly upset about this is just so awfuLly wrong.

This is not about you, it's about him. You could help him see this as a positive thing, to show him what he needs to do to get the grades he can achieve if he tries.

Right now, there's only one person failing in your household, and it's not your son.

Sort yourself out, take a moment to put your son first and make him feel secure.

Your woe is me, tears and upset is disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself.

[hackmum]

OP, you have committed the ultimate Mumsnet crime of thinking that your son is bright. Therefore you must be punished for it. Ditto actually wanting the best in life for your son. How dare you think that getting As and becoming a doctor is better than getting a load of Cs and Ds and working in a factory for the rest of his life? What a snob, eh.

There is obviously some disjuncture between what the tutor thinks your son is capable of and what the school thinks he's capable of - you need to get to the bottom of that. Maybe you need to find a teacher who does a bit of tutoring on the side who knows exactly what it is that examination boards are looking for so he can get up to speed in time. In my view, a lot of schools, once they have decided a child is failing, refuse to believe that they are capable of anything better.

[Theodorous]

Its stupid to say it is snobbery about getting a B. It is just stupid full stop, never mind a C or D or bloody U.
The point is that a mother expects sympathy hugs and flowers because she didn't get the news she wanted. A 3 year old would have cut out the middleman and just thrown themselves on the floor and screamed.

[Kikithecat]

Sorry I haven't had time to read the whole thread, and this may have already been said, but I just wanted to add a bit of advice:

It could be your DS knows his subjects but doesn't know how to reply to exam questions. I was like this and I think my DS is too. SO I have been advising him to get everything possible into the answers, as many quotes as he can (in those kind of subjects) and don't 'just answer the question' literally (as I used to).
For example questions like "Do you feel that X was right to do ...etc." They need to answer by explaining both possible answers and examples of why and finish with a conclusion. This is probably patently obvious to many but it wasn't for me or my ds!

[cuggles]

Lots of good advice here so I will keep this short. I was a secondary teacher and am currently tutoring both foundation and higher maths. What your tutor might not know as a non-teacher is that in maths, a good number of the marks come from showing your working out so you could get the right answer but not get all the marks allocated if that is all you give (similarly wrong answer but some correct working gets you something) so unless your tutor fully understands how to mark maths s/he cannot access accurately. If you want to get proactive get some advice from his teachers but confidence really matters too and that is going to need work in light of this evening and indeed your reaction..cry by all means if they said he is being disruptive, not trying blah blah, but not if he is just not achieving what you want him to, not nice at all.

[cuggles]

Assess not access...sorry

[shockedandupset]

I have to laugh at some comments on this thread - on the one hand I've pushed my son too much, on the other I've taken too little interest. It can't be both.

FWIW I think I could have done more. He couldn't change schools, this is the local one. Moving isn't possible, and wouldn't have guaranteed him a place at a better school anyway - and there are lots of schools as bad as his or worse locally. Possibly I should have sold my house and spent the equity on private school fees? Advice at the time was that DS was bright enough to succeed anywhere. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and all that.

[bodygoingsouth]

Hissy have you thought about a career in councelling?

op I think that the school may be warning you and your son against complacency here.

if your son and you have been banking in A* a then maybe he hasn't worked hard enough at school. maybe his attitude at school is I don't need to work I know I will succeed.

what about his home work marks or controlled assessment marks? I can't understand how this has come as such a bolt out of the blue here.

arrange a meeting with the head iof the year, buy the revision books for his course, all at WHSmith and work through them with him yourself or ask if any if the teachers do tutoring.

He can go to uni with some Bs, lots do including both of my lads.

above all talk to him and reassure him. he's had a hard knock but it wil be positive if you help him.

and seriously stop the crying.

[shockedandupset]

It's not simply that he's not achieving what I want. He's not achieving what HE wants to either. Going by his KS2 results he was 5a, so my understanding is he should be doing better than he is/ is capable of doing so.

[AllMimsyWereTheBorogroves]

shockedandupset, I think you've had a very hard time and hackmum has probably put her finger on the reason. A lot of people here seem to be thinking 'I did something different - I am always right - therefore she is wrong'. Not edifying.

Of course you're upset. You are a graduate and you have taken it for granted that your son will follow in your footsteps. You know he is capable of it. You have assumed, not unreasonably, that even if he is at a less than brilliant school, he would still do well. You see that view expressed here all the time. Home background is the single biggest determinant of how well somebody does in the education system. So he has that on his side.

Now you have to work out how to support him in his work to get where he wants to be. To get into a good sixth form, he needs good GCSE grades. Ignore those telling you that in their area you can go on to do A levels with all Bs. You have checked, and in your area he needs As and A*s in the A level subjects and Bs in the other core subjects.

One thing to bear in mind is that if his current school is not very good, when he applies to university that should be taken into account. Universities are very keen to widen access and they should be using contextual information to help them spot applicants whose results are lower but who nevertheless did well when you take into account the type of school they were in. I think more weight would be given to this for A level than GCSE, but it might help a bit, nevertheless. Worth checking out, perhaps.

I would second those who are recommending getting an experienced teacher as a tutor. As far as I can make out, nowadays a lot of the trick of getting top grades is having a really good exam technique as much as having good subject knowledge. This is rather depressing but you have to play the system as it is now. An experienced teacher should be able to help a lot with that. I'd also agree that going on an intensive revision course at Easter would help.

I think it's far from unusual for boys, even when they're quite clever, to get a rude shock in year 11 when they finally grasp that they do have to revise for exams to get through them. Take comfort from that, and good luck!

[bodygoingsouth]

btw the teachers didn't say he was a failure? those were your words. stop using them.

[shockedandupset]

He already has revision books for every subject. I have let him work through them on his own, I guess that was wrong.

[Dilidali]

bodygoingsouth, have you thought of a career in counselling should be up there with did you mean to be so rude etc.