to fee ever so sad about this?

[shockedandupset]

We had parents eve/mock results day today, and my DS did astoundingly badly. He is a clever boy, has a tutor for several subjects (who considers him A/A* standard, which is where DS thought he was). His results were Cs and Ds.

To hear his teachers speak was like discussing another child. Their attitude was he might get a B if he works hard - but that won't be enough to get him onto A level courses.

DS is now doing extra work in his room, I am in tears and have been since I got back from the school. I just can't believe it. It felt like a horrible dream as I sat there with them all telling me what a failure my DS is. I feel heartbroken :(

[shockedandupset]

The subjects he's being tutored in are maths and sciences, the answers are (as I understand it) pretty much right or wrong. As I say, they have been doing past papers and he's performed well.

School haven't kept me informed, the last parents evening was in year 9. His predicted grades back then were (I think) Cs, but that was the highest prediction anyone got. Apparently.

[kernowal]

The majority of people do not get A*s. That was the whole point of the grade - you were meant to be extremely bright to achieve it. Perhaps if the newspapers weren't full of pictures of glossy-haired straight A student's leaping in the air with delight every August, people wouldn't label their children as failures for achieving good exam results. Take a look at the league tables and take note of the percentage of pupils who don't achieve 5 grade A to Cs before you write your son off.

On another note, his tutor is simply tutoring to earn money. He has an incentive to flatter your son, because if you like him you will continue to use him. He may well lack broad experience and teaching skills as he only knows what worked for him.

[cjel]

Why is it so important to you for you to have a child who gets A*? It sounds horrid for you son to have a dm whoo was upset on finding out who he really is. The tutor will tell you what you want to hear - you are paying him. Get over your upset and love your child for who he is.

[zoezebraspartydress]

Your poor son! I'm sorry, but why are you crying? If my children failed them all, I wouldn't cry!! it's an exam, they can be retaken if he wants to and if he doesn't then C's and D's will still get him on to A-level courses.

I think you need to question why it matters to you so much what exam grades he gets?

My dh got 2 D's in his A-levels. I'm not sure what he got in his GCSE's but he failed a couple and the rest were mediocre grades. He has a PhD and is a University lecturer. He's also astoundingly bright. I got all A's in my GCSE's. I didn't do anything after my degree and I'm a SAHM.

Maybe the quality of teaching at your son's school isn't great, or maybe it's not his time, or maybe this is the best he can do. Either way, he needs your support, not to think that his grades matter to you more than his happiness, which is the message you're giving. He needs reassurance that it isn't the be all and end all and doesn't affect your opinion of him. The poor lad sounds under a huge amount of pressure, with tutors and crying just for his GCSE's. Stop it, and realise his grades don't reflect on you, he is a separate person.

[shockedandupset]

I'm not writing him off. I'm shocked because I believed (as did he) he'd do much better than this.

He wants to do A levels and go to uni. He has a career plan. He can't do any of that unless he gets all Bs at GCSE, and A/A* in his chosen A level subjects.

This has all come as a nasty shock to both of us. He hasn't worked as hard as he should have, I probably haven't pushed him as much as I needed to.

I am upset not for myself but for DS, because he hasn't got the results he wanted and also because I feel I've let him down.

[procrastinatingagain]

I'm just wondering if this is a complete surprise to you? (genuine question). If it is, then surely it's just a blip and it's possible for your son to overcome it if he works hard. If not, then presumably the school has already made you aware of the level your son is working at?

[blueballoon79]

I'm in shock! Your DS is not a failure- what a disgusting way to talk about him!

Plus, all the crying because he didn't get the grades you hoped for and him knowing you're crying is beyond belief.

For what it's worth I passed all my exams with A* or A's. I then had two disabled children and am a carer to them- a SAHM basically.

My brother wasn't as academically clever as me but is now a teacher and is considering applying for the position of deputy head in a few years.

We're both extremely lucky though that our parents never discussed us as failures or cried about our lack of ability academically.

I'm shocked to read this, I really am!

[Jaisalmer]

Of course you are upset, totally understandable.

Maybe it will have shocked him into working a whole lot harder now? Is it too late? I only have younger children so not reached this stressful time yet.

[softlysoftly]

Your school sounds crap as does your tutor, this shouldn't have been a shock. Switch your tutor to an actual qualified teacher and ask what school are going to do about it.

And give him a break, drama won't help. I also don't believe a B won't get him onto an A level. If your school are saying he is top set at a c/d then basically not ONE child from their school goes on to do A levels? None?

[Jaisalmer]

It must be a very fine line between pushing them to work but not pushing them so hard that they feel under tremendous pressure - how on earth does one get that balance right?

[NorksAreMessy]

Please do some research on what sixth form colleges REALLY require for acceptance on A-level courses. Certainly round here a B is fairly standard. Even in DS's selective school.

I don't mean this to be patronising, so forgive me if I do, but this is not your life, it is his. It is his choice to work hard or not, they are his brains, it is his future. I know you want the best for him, but all the choices he makes are his choices from now on. If you can, detach a little and support him.

[stillenacht]

Were his reports not indicating problems prior to the mocks?

I have just had a year 11 pupil (and her parents) completely disregard my 'professional opinion' and she has performed a piece which she can't play securely for her GCSE because it is a higher grade (grade 6 instead of my suggestion to play a grade 4 piece really well). I have been teaching GCSE for twenty years, I was an examiner. I know how kids can get the best marks. I get fed up when my 'professional opinion' is overruled or arrogantly disregarded.

Good luck to your son though for the Summer. If its any consolation some of my group got F/E grades at a selective school in their mocks. I believe if they pull their fingers out they can still get C/B so a jump from a D to a B or even an A is doable, but please work with the teachers, not against them.

[zoezebraspartydress]

There is no career that he'll be excluded from because of his GCSE's, as long as he passes the basics - if it's medicine, he'll be fine if he gets the a-level grades, or he could do an access to medicine course after his a-levels if he wants to. You know tehse exams can be retaken if HE wants to, don't you? I'm not sure why you think it's the end of the world, but probably because we're all fed this nonsense about how crucial exam results are when really they're not.

It's also Very unusual for a 15/16 year old to have decided on a career path and stick to it.

Honestly, it will be ok, if he is determined to pursue his chosen career then his determination will get him there as long as he has the basic academic ability...if not, then he will find a path that suits him, reassure him that he has plenty of time and the freedom to explore his options, and that even if he fails every single GCSE he still has the option of doing them again if he likes.

[Elderberri]

Character is what gets a person through life, work ethic - which he obviously has. I have lots of shitty bits of paper but in the final analysis its not about that.

Not one bit of paper ever prepared me for what I needed on becoming a mother/wife.

Hey, go talk to the mum on kids health who's teen got diagnosed with cancer on Boxing Day. Perspective is what is needed here.

Xx

[ShitOnAStick]

I can't believe you've been in tears over this op and have little sympathy. It sounds like your ds is working very hard, I hope he does well and I hope you'll be proud of whatever he gets because he's worked hard. Maybe the teacher is wrong or maybe your ds simply doesn't have the ability to get A's. All he can do is his best and that is all you can expect from him. Getting B's and C's is not failing.
I hope if he works hard then whatever his grades you are proud of him.

[Inthebeginning]

haven't read all the comments but we do it that between now and exams they can improve by a grade easily do if he's getting c's then easily a b. If he works really hard then an a could be possible.

[shockedandupset]

I have seen the prospectuses for the 6th forms he has applied to - he needs As and Bs in all subjects to get in (there are a couple which go on points, so he could get a C in one if he got an A* in another) but they all say you need A in the subject to be studied at A level.

He could stay at his current school with lower GCSE grades, but his chances of getting a decent A level pass/getting into university would be slim - hence wanting to go to another school.

[ashtrayheart]

I'm in two minds about this, my friend's son is at a grammar and he had to get certain grades to get into sixth form - he got c/d on his mocks but a/b for the real thing so was ok. She was worried for him as he wanted to stay at the school.
I have 2 teens with asd/mh problems. Both academically bright but very much hindered by their issues and i would always wish them to be happy in their own skin over good results.
But it's all relative.

[propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS]

Yanbu. Most parents don't get excited about C and D grades. Neither do good universities. You are a good parent who wants her son to have a successful future and no doubt a well paid career. Of course you are upset. It is, imo, a good thing that ds has seen you upset and is himself upset. If he has been predicted A grades then this will bring it home to him that it is time to get his finger out and work to the best of his ability.

[procrastinatingagain]

Just as an aside, I was asked for my GCSE certificates 20 years later when I was applying for a degree course, so it's not always the case that they don't matter when you have A levels or have done an access course.

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

After a big shock like this evening your DS needs support, a big bowl of ice cream and a cuddle. Not to be up in his room stressed, upset and trying to cram knowledge into a tired spinning mind.

Let it all sink in and then start to focus on the positives - as mentioned. If there is project work he can work hard to get the best marks possible to secure some percentages there. There may still be subjects to cover that he has an affiliation for. There are always resits. I did one, found it much less pressure tbh.

I had a physics tutor who was a teacher in another school in my town, and a lot of the work we did was old test papers and then going over the mistakes and weak sections and working through these lessons again. Exam practice really helped, and learning how to approach the paper (time spent on each question etc) made me more confident. Some people just aren't great at exam pressure.

The A requirement for A levels sounds strange. Is it a private school scholarship or something?

The problem is, if he does manage some A's with real pressure and excessive amounts of studying/tutoring, A levels could be hell for him in a results driven place. I'm sure they'll be pushing for A's at A level too won't they?

I'd be looking at an alternative place tbh.

[fairylightsatchristmas]

OP I think you are having a hard time on here. Perhaps letting your son see you cry was unnecessary, but it depends - if he IS academic and is letting himself down no, if he's not and C/D grades are the result of blood sweat and tears then yes. If he has aspirations to go to uni then actually GCSE grades DO matter now, even for medicine. They didn't in the past, but they do now - top unis and medical schools use them to differentiate between all the 3-4 A and A* grade applicants they get. Of course life turns out in all sorts of different ways but I don't think YANBU for doing all you can to help your DS do as well as he can. What he then chooses to do is up to him.

[stillenacht]

Fwiw in terms of perspective my youngest son is over 10 and still in nappies, I still feed him every meal as he is unable to use a knife, fork and spoon. However I feel lucky that I won't have all this GCSE bull with him. Get him the revision guides, confiscate his gadgets and get him to attend revision sessions if offered by the school. I started a revision group last week. All pupils were told verbally and on email. Did any of the 26 of them turn up?...

[NonnoMum]

He's not be diagnosed with a terrible illness, he just isn't as bright as you thought he was!

You might need to just let him get on with life now.

Education isn't everything.

[Roshbegosh]

He might appreciate some support and encouragement from you, not to see you going around weeping and sorry for yourself. Why don't you focus on him and try to help him now? He must feel terrible.