to fee ever so sad about this?

[shockedandupset]

We had parents eve/mock results day today, and my DS did astoundingly badly. He is a clever boy, has a tutor for several subjects (who considers him A/A* standard, which is where DS thought he was). His results were Cs and Ds.

To hear his teachers speak was like discussing another child. Their attitude was he might get a B if he works hard - but that won't be enough to get him onto A level courses.

DS is now doing extra work in his room, I am in tears and have been since I got back from the school. I just can't believe it. It felt like a horrible dream as I sat there with them all telling me what a failure my DS is. I feel heartbroken :(

[Rabbitcar]

I think your son will have had a shock and will hopefully get his act together and work harder now. And I think you're a great mum. I'm sure being a single mum and working full time must make dealing with these things so much harder, so I'm impressed. You're committed to his best interests, which is surely a good thing. Don't listen to the mean comments up thread; I think you're great.

[Tuhlulah]

Wow, I see you've attracted some really nasty comments. Bit unfair. I understand what you mean about feeling you failed him. I would have cried too, and for the same reason - not because you think he is a failure but because you believed someone else said he was and that it was unjust. you both had a nasty shock and you feel hurt for him, not because you are living vicariously through him or think he is a failure.
I see you have been given some good advice about revision plans etc. I don't have any advice, but I hope you lavish lots of love and praise on him, and then work out a plan.

My DS is very bright but it doesn't always translate onto paper very well. His standards are appalling. He under performs and that upsets me, that he doesn't accurately reflect what he's capable of. It's a fine line between creating stress and providing impetus. He did really well in his recent tests at school but, half way through the exams we had the most appalling health scare, and that puts it into context. I don't mean to sound dramatic or patronising, but a load of high marks don't compensate for a sick child.

I think confidence is important and so is exam preparation because there are things that you can work on.
Maybe later you can get some feedback from his school papers to see she he went wrong, to see if its technique or lack of knowledge.

Good luck to your DS.

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

Not sure I would be continuing with the tutor. Maybe your son is NOT A* standard..... but that is not the end of the world.

[FootieOnTheTelly]

I have three kids at Uni and one in the middle of A'levels - it has never crossed my mind to do some of the things suggested by some posters on this thread. I will help them access additional help (revision guides or tutors if they had wanted) but I wouldn't of dreamt of helping them with revision plans or getting involved in their actual studies
At 16/17 their studies are their responsibility. I provide a supportive warm home environment and I 'facilitate' their studies but it's up to them if they want to work.

[cory]

What Chaz said. See it as a positive. All that has happened is that he has now been given a chance to learn something that many students only have to deal with when they get to university- and the number of students who are totally thrown by this you wouldn't believe (speaking as lecturer here). It is much better to learn this now.

Don't listen to your friends and family, don't overinterpret anything the teachers say. The only thing that matters is the narrative that you and your ds are able to make out of this. And that narrative has got to be: "this shows that I should now plan carefully and work hard to see if that will help".

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Because if he comes back from this in the right way, it could be the most valuable lesson he will ever learn. It is all very well to have goals and ambitions. You can mind map all the success you want (I think that was a great idea btw). But it means absolutely nothing unless you are prepared to do the hard work to make those dreams reality. At the moment, he is all mouth and no trousers. Full of talk but not prepared to put in the hard graft.

This ^^

He has a chance to learn one of the most useful skills of all. The ability to get your head down and graft to reach your goals. I work in a job where everyone has a degree and professional qualifications and we are all reasonably academic but also everybody has got into the habit of working hard when needed. Ultimately the willingness to put in sustained hard work gets results. Inate intelligence only takes you so far.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

It felt like a horrible dream as I sat there with them all telling me what a failure my DS is .

OP said she was upset hearing her DS described as such, she didn't use that word about him or to him.

[SlimJiminy]

Haven't read the full thread, but op you sound awful. A failure?!?! WTF?? You hover over him while he's being tutored. You let him see you cry over his MOCK EXAM grades. You let him to cry. I'm so glad my parents weren't like this. SO glad.

You're being ridiculous. Of course if he wants to go to uni his grades will play a part in that, but you can still go to uni without A-Levels. Presumably he knows he needs to work hard to get good grades, but what he should also know is that he has options. What if he doesn't get all A-grades? Can he get onto A-Level courses? Where? What other qualifications will get him into uni?

FFS woman! Get a grip! YABVVU

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

The Mocks were a big wake up call, it is not too late. This is his life not yours, he can study and revise and have options - or he can mess it up by not putting in the effort. You can only do so much, it has to come from him. Like many other parents, you trusted his school, his tutors and to some extent, him. I don't think you deserve a kicking for being upset.

Up until they are 16 many DCs think by dint of being bright and relying on their hitherto dependable memory they can somehow wing it when it comes to exams. It's uncool to show anything like strenuous effort. Your DS won't be the only one to have had a shock. After the tears, action. You are up to speed now and are taking steps.

It's not just the syllabus content, there's also exam technique, reading through the questions, time management, showing the working.

Keep chasing the school.

[cory]

I get the impression from a quick glance that this thread is dividing into two parts:

the ones who try to comfort you by saying it doesn't matter

and the ones who tell you he doesn't deserve to succeed because he hasn't done the work

you've got the same division between the school and the tutor: one seemed to be saying "you're fine" and the other "don't bother"

The truth may well lie somewhere in between and I think that is where you ought to be looking. Sit your son down and say "let's regard this as learning money, it turns out these exams need harder work than we thought but until you have put the work in you can't know that it isn't going to pay off, let's work out a plan".

Help him to work out a revision plan

Tell him to go and see individual teachers and tell them "I realise I need to work harder, but I would really like to try and up these results, could you show me what I need to do". Make sure he reports back.

Tell him that predictions are just that: predictions. The teachers can't predict accurately how much hard work he is going to put in in the next few months: it may be that he can surprise them. (dd has gone from a C to an A prediction at AS level in a matter of months)

Have another look round the Sixth Form provision. I don't know what it is like in your area: round here there are several colleges that will take students with B's. Speak to them and explain the situation. My dd was ill during Yr 10 and 11: her preferred college (which gets very good results) had said that they would consider taking her anyway even if she couldn't manage the required results, though they would make her do another course in a GCSE core subject if she failed (not an essential subject for her choices).

Make sure your son realises that A-levels do mean hard work, even for A and A* students. Dd is doing her AS-levels; the level of difficulty has really come as a bit of a shock not just to her but to her healthy friends as well.

[waterrat]

I think the modern obsession with 'bright' children allows parents and children to forget the vital role of hard graft

Your son could be brain of Britain - or even just naturally bright - but if he doesn't revise he won't pass or do well - to get top marks he will have to revise very hard - however naturally clever he is. It's about knowledge not brain power.

I was the best in my class at English - I did no work at all and got a d for my mock a level - it completely freaked me out, I put the effort in and got an A in the real thing

He needs to learn that life is about effort - if he screws up now he will have other chances, but let him log his mistakes.

The school can't make him revise

[skyofdiamonds]

I got predicted an E by a teacher, I ended up getting A* and the best result from my class. I did no revision, just walked in and used my brain! My mum marched into the school to speak to said teacher as she was so upset!

Same goes for every subject, I got rubbish predicted grades but my lowest gcse is a B! I wasnt a trier at school,I did no homework,revision and put in minimal effort. The predicted grades reflected that, however they underestimated the power of natural intelligence.

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

These threads always make me feel like a crazy Tiger Mother, but whatever...

You are absolutely right to be shocked and disappointed. Because the following is not good enough, regardless of his academic ability, it is not good enough:

"He hasn't worked as hard as he should have"

"He admits btw he did no revision."

We are not talking about a student who worked hard and a D is the best of their ability. Of course that child should be hugged and supported and their parents should be very proud of him. But this student was a lazy bugger who did no fucking work! Why the hell would you bring comforting bowls of ice cream to someone whose laziness is squandering their talents?

He has fucked up massively, and he is big enough and bold enough to be told that.

Because if he comes back from this in the right way, it could be the most valuable lesson he will ever learn. It is all very well to have goals and ambitions. You can mind map all the success you want (I think that was a great idea btw). But it means absolutely nothing unless you are prepared to do the hard work to make those dreams reality. At the moment, he is all mouth and no trousers. Full of talk but not prepared to put in the hard graft.

And it is hard graft. Natural ability can coast you so far but that will run out and you will have to work. It is actually good that he is learning this now because (as you found to your cost in Cambridge, and at Oxford I saw the same thing) the older you get the harder it is to change bad habits.

He has the brains, if he wants to make the most of them he needs to be doing the work. A minimum of two hours a night every night from now until the exams. That is what it takes to achieve goals. Nothing is going to be handed to him. He needs to start working.

It is not too late. He can turn it around.

FWIW I do think you have fucked up too, by taking your eye off the ball with regard to school feedback and by sending him to an underachieving school in the first place, but I don't want to pile on in that regard because I think you know that and you don't need to feel worse.

Just remember, it is not too late. If he learns the right lesson from this it could actually be the best thing that could have happened to him.

[mistlethrush]

I didn't revise for my mocks ON PURPOSE because I knew that a) it would show me where the gaps were, and b) it would mean I wasn't complacent... Worked for me.

[FootieOnTheTelly]

CoventGarden. Exactly! I posted the same comment way down the thread but everyone seems to be looking elsewhere for explanations.

The OP said her son did NO REVISION .

The OP should be looking at ways to motivate/bribe/bollock her son and not trying to work out what the school has done wrong.

Loads of kids do poorly in their first set of mocks - it's sort of what they are there for Often It shocks them into action.

[ConventGarden]

I'm v confused.... You said your son didn't revise ....surely that's the explanation ?

[MrsRuffdiamond]

If you don't get a reply to the e-mail today, I would phone and ask to speak to the head of year. Strike while the iron's hot! Otherwise another week will have gone by, then half term's coming up......

You are doing all you can with your ds, but you really need the school onside, so that they are aware of what your ds is aiming for, and can be supportive.

[mumthetaxidriver]

Hello shocked I have just seen this thread so coming in a little late. We are in exactly the same position as you - high predictions, not a great effort for mocks and hence not good results (mainly Ds). My DS got his results before Xmas and he was incredibly upset but as I was (guilty that I'd not put enough pressure on before?) But tried not to show it and came up with a positive action plan. Some subjects have given out detailed week by week revision timetables supported by weekly after school sessions they are required to attend if they are below target. For other subjects we have
Created similar timetables to ensure each unit if the subject is covered by May. We are realistic though and its not all work - he is still playing football and squash and the odd hour in the xbox! He is actually happier knowing that he is doing the best he can. We want him to be able to do his chosen A levels but most importantly we want him to be happy when he opens that envelope in August 21st .
In answer to your question above - I do sugest you phone the school if you have not had a reply. But think about what you want from then. In my experience school are more likely to respond if you are showing support rather than complaining he has not done well. You could ask if they are running extra sessions for those who are below target - despite what others say schools do care. If only because students who are predicted A's but get C's look bad on their statistics.
But most importantly talk to your son and don't under estimate his feelings. Does he need help revising - he may need help getting going?. Mine started writing notes for science but has now started doing an A4 mind map for each topic.
Sorry this is long - I hope it is helpful.

[inadreamworld]

shocked I am a teacher and a Mum and someone who had teachers say I was lazy and a chatterbox and not going to do well and I ended up with two As and a B in my A levels. It was great fun to see the look on their faces when I collected my results. Did astoundingly badly in mocks as well and actually forgot to turn up for one of them.

The main thing here is to build his self esteem - if he does well, great, if not there are loads of things he can do that do not involve going to Uni (and going to Uni has become so expensive and does it really even help if the student doesn't know what they want to do as a career). What other out of school talents does he have?

I think there is so much pressure on kids nowadays, yes it is important to work hard but there are other things that matter too - in my day (at the ancient age of 37!) things were not as stressful for young people. My two daughters are babies but I will try to protect them as much as possible from this assessment culture we have now in schools. Now they want testing at 4 years old. Madness.

Good luck to your son and to you and try not to be upset. Many of the most successful people in life did not do well at school (and he may still do well in any case).

[shockedandupset]

Just coming back to update this - I emailed the school on friday (as per some posters suggestions) to request a meeting.

I still haven't had a reply to that or to the chaser email I sent yesterday.

What do I do now? Hopefully they will reply today/tomorrow, but if not..

[Pigsmummy]

A B would get him onto an A level course!

Support him, love him and offer him some tuition?

[chocolatemademefat]

YANBU but you have to calm down and get things in context. they were MOCK exams and at least he knows now he's not going to coast through without putting in the effort.
my son failed most of his mocks and was told (as were we) that he had little chance of passing the exams. he knuckled down, studied hard, also with tutors and is now in his final year at university with plans to do a masters next year.
Sometimes kids need a dose of reality and some tough love. Stop feeling sorry for him and encourage him to move on. He can study hard and pass the exams and put all this behind him.
He now admits it was the kick up the arse he needed as he puts in the effort for all of his exams now.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

OP another one saying you've had a nasty hard time here, eugh!

First step has to be a good tutor who's got the experience to actually

1. See his strengths and weaknesses and help him improve
   
2. Work on exam technique
   
3. Know how the exam board is going to mark the papers do he doesn't continue to get pie in the sky unskilled predictions and tutoring
   

Also I'd look at getting another tutor in one of the other subjects he's failing in.

Then basically he has to knuckle down and show everyone what he's really capable of. I hope the parents evening scared him and gave him a kick up the backside. Keep encouraging him though to make sure it gives him fire in his belly versus giving up and waiting for the train to roll on top of him.

[Jaisalmer]

I still don't know and I'm 48!

Agree there is a fine line between encouragement and too much pressure.

[BeetlebumShesAGun]

I agree with zoe. OP it really isn't the end of the world. I can't even remember what I got in my mocks, I got varying grades at GCSE ranging from A* -U, went on to get AAB at A Level and got in to a very good university. I am now in a career path totally different from the one I planned out at 15. Likewise my friend got the very highest GCSE results on school record at the time, got a first from one of the top universities and now works in Ted Baker while indulging her love of art and photography (not what her degree is in). She always says that although her parents never pressured her it was clear to her that as a bright girl she was expected to be academic and they would not have supported her to do what she actually wanted which was an Art Foundation course at college.

The amount of pressure and expectation kids are under is really sad. Who knows exactly what they want to do with their life at 16?