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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu - neonatal visiting

48 replies

mummywithsmiles · 30/01/2014 20:07

In our Nick only parents are allowed to visit when they want, and then you have allocated people who can visit 3 to 6.
It can be lonely and when your doing cares you spend all your days etc there and sometime just need support, my daughter been in for 4 weeks and not looking to get out anytime soon. Her dad left and isn't here so unlike couples single people can't do shifts or have company and help whilst doing cares for baby.
If you as the mum is sick and not allowed in it means no one can visit baby apart from the dad , so if there is no dad then the baby can't have a visitor.

Would it not be fairer for say them to say 2 allocated ppl I.e mum and one other can visit 24 hrs , so obviously if dad is around it would be mum and dad , or if dad isn't around the mum can allocate another person I.e her mum ( nan of baby )

OP posts:
AmpersandRea · 30/01/2014 20:15

YANBU
Have you asked if your Mum can take the place of Dad, given that he is absent?
How's your daughter doing? (my sons had several weeks in SCBU)

nocheeseinhouse · 30/01/2014 20:16

Just ask them, I'm sure they'll be accommodating, and look after yourself with breaks.

Original poster
mummywithsmiles · 30/01/2014 20:33

I asked and had to have a meeting with the head nurse and she said no as what would I do when she goes home and I'm on my own and that they have young parents who don't have partners
Daughter is getting there we have just moved from intensive care to high dependency they said it could be at least another few months before we go home thank you for asking

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 30/01/2014 20:48

I'd take it a lot further, that's not an accceptable answer. I am a single mother (by choice) and when my son was born they allowed my aunt (my only other living relative) in outside of visiting hours as I was on my own. I'm not familiar with the UK health system, but is there an advocate group or even a patient liaison at the hospital that you could talk with?

Single parent with a child in ICU needs support just as much as a partnered parent.

PartyConfused · 30/01/2014 20:50

mummy when dd2 was in nicu, only parents could visit. No other people at all. She was in for 2 months and her sister and gp couldnt see her. Awful experience. Especially as they let some families in for prayers (I often felt like I should find religion-sorry I know that will get flamed).
They did however let another mum ( whose dh was abroad), have her older dd with her. I think the had nurse is being harsh and I think I'd have to take it further. I was often alone all day and it's such a hard time. I found it easier when we moved to scbu and made friends with the3 other mums (still in contact a year )

WaitMonkey · 30/01/2014 21:07

YANBU and I would take this further. Talk to your local press if you're able. This is very unfair. Hope you're able to take your dd home soon.

honeybeeridiculous · 30/01/2014 21:15

I work in NICU and we have anytime visiting for parents and others 2.30-4.0 then 6.30-7.30
This is a lot to do with infection control,noise etc
BUT, if mum has no partner, then special permission can be given for grandma etc to be the 'birth partner'

ScottishInSwitzerland · 30/01/2014 21:46

I agree w the others that's not an acceptable response.

I've had two babies in nicu and each time we got to add my birth partners name to the list of visitors. (In our nicu it's only gps and siblings who can visit)

I totally understand they have to restrict visitors for infection control but this just sounds mean and unnecessary

ScottishInSwitzerland · 30/01/2014 21:47

Sorry just to clarify I do have a dh it's just that he didn't come into theatre w me, somebody else did. And that somebody else was allowed into nicu as a bonus person

cls77 · 30/01/2014 21:49

I would tell the nurse who told you that, that your mum will be supporting you when she can just like you need support now either when you're visiting or when you can't. I worked in NICU and we welcomed the support of wider families, whether they had a partner, or more importantly if they didn't. That's what being at home with your LO will be like. It's a long journey and you need any support you can have. Infection control wise, why would your mum not follow procedures that a partner would? They're either followed or they aren't!

cls77 · 30/01/2014 21:50

Sorry I don't mean any number of visitors, just selected name(s) of who can visit within max number as per policies

WelshMaenad · 30/01/2014 21:55

Unreasonable. When dd was in nicu she had quite a few visitors - her dad and I had 24 hour access but my mum visited daily and my sister and friend came in frequently, they sat and read stories to her and I'm convinced it aided her recovery from a brain injury. One of my best friends is a paediatrician in a different hospital and I shipped her in for support too. They were allowed to visit without me there (I'd usually bugger off to express whilst they were spending time with her).

It was crucial for my sanity to have their support. You need support, it is a bloody hard time. I wish you and your daughter all the best and hope you get your magical homecoming soon.

Sirzy · 30/01/2014 21:58

YANBU.

I am a single mum and when DS was in HDU the staff bent the normal visiting rules to allow my parents to stay with me during the day instead.

You need support and they need to accept that and be a bit flexible to allow you to be supported

HadABadDay2014 · 30/01/2014 22:06

Yanbu. I can not believe a sbcu would deny a mother emotional support during such a tough time.

Summerblaze · 30/01/2014 22:09

I would definitely not take that as the final word. How unfair that you have to shoulder all this by yourself because you are a 1 parent family.

YANBU and you should demand that you want support. When your DD is ready to come home, wouldn't it be better that she has a Mum who isn't completely knackered/numb. It isn't just tiredness but the emotional side too.

fatfingers · 30/01/2014 22:19

My dd2 was in Neonatal for 17 weeks and the rules around visiting just added to the grinding misery of the situation tbh. Only mum and dad could visit during the day, grandparents only during certain hours at weekends. Our siblings could not see dd at all until she was discharged from hospital.

However, the nurses did say that if there was no dad you could nominate another person to visit - I would argue for this if I were you. You say you can nominate another person to visit between 3pm and 6pm - do you have to accompany them or can they visit alone?

honeybeeridiculous · 30/01/2014 22:36

Our visitors arnt allowed unless parents are there too. Before xmas we had parents only rule as Norovirus was rife. You would not believe the number of visitors that come in full of cold, smelling of smoke etc and not washing hands.therfore only parents are allowed to hold babies now

Original poster
mummywithsmiles · 30/01/2014 22:46

Thank you all .. I will continue to argue tomoz , I'm mummyofbrave on another thread about nicu , its been horrendous.
Fat fingers I have to be there , when I had a virus they banned me for 4 days and they wouldntnlet my mum visit so dd had no visits .

OP posts:
MissDuke · 30/01/2014 22:55

I am appalled by this! My third was in SCBU, and myself and hubby were there most of the day, my parents minded our other children. My mum was allowed in for an hour one evening. My sister and my older children were not allowed in at all. I accepted that, but only because my hubby was there much of the time with me. It is heartbreaking and lonely being in there as it is. I really hope they see sense about this. Take care, I wish your little one a speedy recovery.

AmpersandRea · 30/01/2014 22:56

Continue to argue your case mummywithsmiles, it's important for you to have support.

Purplepoodle · 30/01/2014 23:13

Ask the head nurse again. If no joy as for the contact details of her superior, don't let her fob you off. Take it higher in the management chain.

fatfingers · 31/01/2014 12:07

Good luck mummywithsmiles, hope you get something sorted. Although NNUs are obviously great because they save the life of your child, one of my big bugbears is that they seem to forget that this is your child rather than just their patient. I remember feeling that the hospital had essentially taken my dd and in order to see her I had to jump through hoops - rules about visiting being one of them - I feel for you.

BigWellyLittleWelly · 31/01/2014 12:15

Take it further.

Dd1 was in NICU and when I was unable to visit my mum was allowed in with DH to give him some support - she was very very poorly and being on your own unable to hold or touch her was heartbreaking.

MimiSunshine · 31/01/2014 12:43

Was the only reason why your mum couldn't stand in for your child's absent parent this:
I asked and had to have a meeting with the head nurse and she said no as what would I do when she goes home and I'm on own and that they have young parents who don't have partners

If so then who the actual fuck does that woman think she is. You are not a child asking for their shoelaces to be tied and she's saying no otherwise you'll never learn to do it yourself.
That to me isn't just reason to be refused.

Push it back from the POV that DD is entitled to two visitors and as her dad has left and not involved you want to nominate one other person. Not a rotating number of different people (which I can see maybe a problem) and then ask why they won't allow it.

MiaowTheCat · 31/01/2014 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.