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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be told how tired I look?

37 replies

Wuxiapian · 29/01/2014 23:15

I'm 35 weeks pregnant.

I actually felt good this morning (for a change), made it out of the house with 12 month old for playgroup.

I walk in and the first words to greet me are "God, you look really tired".

Gee, thanks. That made me feel so much better.

OP posts:
Pinkandwhite · 29/01/2014 23:17

Why do people do that?!!! People can be really dim sometimes. Of course you don't want to hear that. Yanbu!

WorraLiberty · 29/01/2014 23:21

Is it not said out of concern?

CoffeeTea103 · 29/01/2014 23:22

I don't think someone would say that just to have a dig, it's probably out of concern.

Preciousbane · 29/01/2014 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FanFuckingTastic · 29/01/2014 23:27

I get it all the time, even not pregnant, because I was born with dark coloured skin around my eyes. It does worsen with tiredness, but it's there whether I am tired, ill or not. When I was younger, the surest way to get a sick day at work was to not put on makeup. Everyone would say how terrible I looked and I'd get sent home.

That's my face. My natural face. And people have this "concern" and head tilt thing going on. I just want to say, this is how I fucking look you complete numpty!

Once I was even asked in concerned tones whether my boyfriend hits me. Foundation and concealer are the only way to not have people question my health status. It's actually quite embarrassing sometimes, to think wow I look so bad people think I am really sick.

Original poster
Wuxiapian · 29/01/2014 23:29

Well, maybe, I guess.

Still made me feel crappy, though - especially as I made the effort with a little makeup and actually felt good for making it there (as I've not been for ages as I'm barely able to walk...).

I thought a hello would've been first port of call, at least.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wuxiapian · 29/01/2014 23:31

Oh my, Fan!

Some people are totally tactless.

OP posts:
FanFuckingTastic · 29/01/2014 23:43

I got used to it. The only time I look healthy is if I am tanned and in the sun all the time. I've just learned how to use makeup to disguise it, dark smokey eyes looks amazing on me, so at least it's good for something.

But I totally get how irritating it is to make an effort, feel alright and then have people dash that with a meaningless comment. You always tell a pregnant women she looks amazing, even if she does look a bit tired, because it's pretty much something that smacks you in the face every day of being heavily pregnant, it's tiring, but that doesn't mean you want it pointed out, especially when you've obviously made an effort to get out and look good. I have Aspergers, I don't have a load of tact, but I have enough to know that!

plutarch14 · 29/01/2014 23:44

YANBU it's rude. You might as well say 'you look like shit.

plutarch14 · 29/01/2014 23:44

(I'm sure you don't)

newyearhere · 29/01/2014 23:45

It has been said to me sometimes, but doesn't bother me. It's not offensive any more than "you look busy" or "you look cold".

meeroolla · 29/01/2014 23:48

I'd have replied 'Oh cheers' in an offhanded way.

hardbeingme · 29/01/2014 23:57

my neighbour does this every time i see her, and then head tilts in a concerned way - up to this point i usually feel fine but then doubt sets in... i'm fine (or am I??) i thought i looked ok (but obviously not)

its not fair to do this to someone who overthinks everything!

WorraLiberty · 30/01/2014 00:00

YANBU it's rude. You might as well say 'you look like shit.

See I don't equate the two at all.

Looking tired because you're 35 weeks pregnant with a 1yr old doesn't always equal looking like shit to me.

It just means you look tired and it's perfectly understandable.

ipswichwitch · 30/01/2014 00:04

FanFuckingTastic I have the same problem with dark under eyes. I've had someone recently asking if I had a black eye (nope just normal dark eye area) then they started trying to get me into the light, tilting my face about and wanting me to look in umpteen different directions so they could check! I told them to sod off, it's my normal skin colour and still she persisted with "well I'm sure you have a black eye,are you sure you don't?" Aargh! Yes now fuck off!

horsetowater · 30/01/2014 00:06

If someone was really concerned that you looked tired they wouldn't tell you you look tired they would say 'how are things going' and prompt to see if you actually are tired or not.

Or they would try and cheer you up.

Telling someone they look tired is just plain rude, thoughtless and negative. It's like telling someone they look really bloated or their teeth look really yellow. You could say those things 'out of concern' too. But you don't.

horsetowater · 30/01/2014 00:07

When people say that to me (I often do look tired, and sometimes am) I just say to them 'Thanks!'

CheshireDing · 30/01/2014 06:14

I have a 2 year old and a 7 week old and mil and my Gran both said it to me in recent weeks, AND I had foundation and mascara on at the time !

YANBU. I do wonder when people say this what they expect the person to do about it, it really doesn't make you feel any better, just enraged

Crowler · 30/01/2014 06:26

I would only say that to a good friend who actually looked tired (not bad) and out of concern.

Hubb · 30/01/2014 06:35

YANBU

Sometimes it's just a pointless, annoying comment and I dont really know how you're supposed to respond.

A relative came to visit me a week after I had given birth and said I looked tired...I found that to be a completely stupid comment! Aren't I supposed to look fucking tired!?

Same goes for being heavily pregnant, you would think you could get away with not looking your best without inviting comment.

Although it is extra annoying when you actually thought you looked alright!!

Babylonmood · 30/01/2014 06:52

Yanbu. It is rude and unhelpful whatever the intention behind it. Makes me tense when I hear it. I am tired, yes, and I don't have the energy to respond politely.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 30/01/2014 08:36

I don't understand why people can't just say "how are you doing" or similar rather than saying you look knackered!

madmomma · 30/01/2014 08:37

Yup I used to get the black eye comments all the time, because one of my undereye bags/shadows was worse than the other. So insulting though.

newyearhere · 30/01/2014 09:03

Looking tired doesn't mean you look worse though. People just look like themselves and are sometimes tired.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 30/01/2014 09:12

YANBU............ I got at 8 months (when I nipped into work whilst on mat leave) " OH MY GOD! YOU'RE HUGE" Grin

and the best one........ (in woolworths, with month old baby in pram) "Not long now!"