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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my children to call DM "Granny" instead of by her first name?

94 replies

Evie2014 · 29/01/2014 18:10

I'm a new poster (very long term lurker though) and am a bit scared of sticking my head into the jaws of AIBU for my first thread; but I did want to canvass a variety of opinions, not just the pregnancy board.

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with twins. My sister is also pregnant- 30 weeks. The three babies will be our parents' first grandchildren. We asked DM what she wanted her grandkids to call her, expecting variations of "Granny", "Gran", "Nana", etc. She announced that she expects them to call her by her first name, "Betty" (not her real name but for the sake of discussion).

Even worse, my DF (presumably in solidarity as he does pander defer to her a lot) says he wants to be called by HIS first name. Trouble is, nobody actually uses his first name. His family and friends call him a variety of nicknames. So he wants his grandchildren to call him, say, "Patrick" (again not his real name) when he's only ever known as Pat or Paddy or a nickname by everyone who knows him. So his grandchildren will be calling him something MORE formal than anyone else.

AIBU to want my children to call their grandparents by the sweet and loving terms that most children use, instead of by cold, formal first names?

I'm struggling not to read more into this than it actually means. I'm wary of preggo hormones so don't want to let myself spiral into "well if they don't even want to be CALLED "Granny" or "Grandad" that means they don't really WANT to be grandparents" (oh that way madness lies).

OP posts:

Littlegreyauditor · 30/01/2014 11:30

What the children eventually call her will be something that is decided, ultimately, by them.

Definitely this. We have a Ga-Ga, GaDa, ga-DA and oddly a Ya-Ya at the minute. This will probably change as more syllables become available, but DS is entirely thran and will call things what he wants to call them.

Quoteunquote · 30/01/2014 11:44

All my children call their grandparents by the first names, one of them has nickname but they tend to use his name as well.

I don't think it makes any difference to the relationship they have with them.

Safyre · 30/01/2014 11:45

My mum was like this. My sister dropped Mum and Dad in favour of shortened versions of their full names when she was a teenager, and that was what DS was to call them. I wasn't particularly happy about it either, and DH was very unhappy about it (his is a very traditional family and he thought it showed a lack of respect) but she was determined...

...until my dad picked him up at 3 hours old and said 'Hello, I'm your Papa!'. So now he has Gan and Papa, Gan and Gan-ya (Granda), and my grandparents are known as Wee Gan and Grumpy (Grumpy, I should add, chose his own!) The r's may turn up at some point in the future, or they might stay as 'Gan' forever - I really don't mind.

ReticulatingSplines · 30/01/2014 12:00

I asked my parents and MIL what they wanted to be called. I'm happy with whatever they choose. I'm a bit annoyed that MIL's husband has chosen a pet name too as he's not DH's father and is not the DC's grandfather... But he's the only male on that side of the family that has any involvement with the DC so I haven't said anything.

enormouse · 30/01/2014 12:00

I'm sure the children will have their own ideas about what to call your parents and will stick to it resolutely.

Dps dad wanted to be called by his name and despite many efforts on his part to get 2 year old Ds to call him 'George' (not his name) he is firmly 'gandad' - like safyre's ds, the r has gone missing.

Dps mum wanted to be called granny and unfortunately ds is adamant on calling her gaga. Which she finds quite funny.

AmberLeaf · 30/01/2014 12:17

I think they get a say in which GP related title they prefer to be called, but just using their first name is odd and I suspect the issue is that they don't like the age connotations of such titles.

I can see why you're bothered about it. its more than a name, its a role and it could seem like a rejection of that. I wouldn't be happy either. I would think 'get over yourself'

AwfulMaureen · 30/01/2014 12:20

My MIL is Sally to my children. It's because DD1 always heard me call her that. They know she's their Gran...but it's stuck. They sometimes refer to her as "Nanny Sally" but never to her face oddly.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 30/01/2014 12:25

just to totally outmyself,(not as though I am not easy to discover anyway but)
My Mum made up a nick name she said she didn't want to be granny or grandma or nanny or anything.

so they are silly name and pops.
I don't mind, it is silly and the story changes each time someone asks why the grandchildren call her that.

I couldn't have coped with her being her Christian name but this nickname is ok.

You can mold this anyway you choose. Just choose to refer to her as Granny to the kids tell your sis to do the same and when her gorgeous grandchildren call her it she will melt and not argue.

gotthemoononastick · 30/01/2014 12:27

Tell me about it Nannyogg!!

nickEcave · 30/01/2014 12:28

When I was a kid I distinguished between my two nanny's by sticking on the names of their pets. My MIL was a bit like your mum and didn't want to be called granny, nanny etc as she thought it aging . Our DDs call her a pet version of her real name which sounds a bit like granny anyway

manechanger · 30/01/2014 12:30

I think someone was very wise to caution you not to borrow worry from tomorrow but I also wanted to add that all my kids have ended up calling me by my first name. I was a bit upset sometimes but I never called my mum by her first name and now I find it odd to introduce her to other people. I came to like it in the end as it didn't stop me being me, oddly I found it gave me more respect - like i'm an individual not just alive in relation to them, of course once i'd worked this out they reverted to mum.

2rebecca · 30/01/2014 12:34

I wouldn't "insist" on a different name if my mother had decided to call herself by her fist name to her children, but if I called her mum then I wouldn't refer to her by her first name when talking about her to the children if she wasn't there as I wouldn't think of doing so as that's not who she is to me. She'd be "my mum" or "your grandmother/ nanna" etc. This would be instinctive not deliberate nastiness.
She can ask the children to call her by a particular name when they are with her and then I may get used to hearing her referred to by her fist name by them but I'd probably still refer to her as "mum" when talking about her.

FryOneFatManic · 30/01/2014 12:49

Everyone calls me by my nickname. The only exception to that is being called Mum by the DCs.

When they have children of their own, I'll expect the DGCs to call me by the nickname that everyone else uses. It's an easy one syllable nickname that my own DCs were very able to use when little.

I've refused Auntie, etc from nieces, nephews and other assorted children in the family.

I don't want to be "granny" or any other variation. I'm partly deaf, and am very used to responding to my nickname. It did take me a while to get used to responding to "Mum" and I'd prefer to avoid that again.

Being called by my nickname doesn't in any way indicate I'll be cold and distant to any DGCs.

OhWesternWind · 30/01/2014 12:49

My mum wouldn't be grandma/gran/nan etc - she wanted to be Mamar. I am really uncomfortable with this as it's very, very close in sound to names used for mothers. I told her at the time I didn't like it for that reason, and she changed the spelling to have an R on the end, which makes no difference at all. Names for grandparents have to work both ways, I think, and the parents have to feel at ease with them even if they're not their names of choice.

2rebecca · 30/01/2014 16:17

Does your mum speak a different language that she thinks mamar is an appropriate name for a grandmother? If she's british it seems an odd and undermining choice and I'd be telling her this. Even if she's from a different culture if you live in the UK then I'd be saying no to mamar as it seems unnecessarily confusing.
If one of my kids moved abroad to a country where people called their mums nanna or granny I'd be happy for my kids to tell me this and give me an acceptable list of names to choose from.
To me it seems odd to insist on a grandparent name the parents aren't comfortable with. Surely having a good relationship with your child and a name they feel positively towards is more important than getting your favourite pet name?

TamerB · 30/01/2014 16:56

It seems highly odd to me to insist on a name that the grandparents are not comfortable with! I would assume that my children were brought up in a such a way that they do not intend to control my choice of name-it would hardly be fair when I didn't do it to them, or my parents.
Be relaxed- does it matter? It won't to the two sets involved, the grandparents and grandchildren involved.

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2014 17:51

Those who don't want 'titles', be it mum, auntie, grandma, whatever - genuine curiosity - why? What's the problem with a title?

I do have to say though, I think some of the child-generated names are wonderful!

(slightly envious Nanny)

FryOneFatManic · 30/01/2014 18:37

NannyOgg, I have never used a title so don't intend to in the future, that's all. I simply don't see the need for them. I have a perfectly serviceable nickname that is completely inoffensive, a single syllable that is easy for kids to say. so why add a title and make it harder?

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 30/01/2014 18:46

I don't mind mum, but Aunty makes me feel ancient and fuddy duddy, as does Mrs, so I try and avoid either. Am a long way off the grandparent name issue though.

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