to want my children to call DM "Granny" instead of by her first name?

[Evie2014]

I'm a new poster (very long term lurker though) and am a bit scared of sticking my head into the jaws of AIBU for my first thread; but I did want to canvass a variety of opinions, not just the pregnancy board.

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with twins. My sister is also pregnant- 30 weeks. The three babies will be our parents' first grandchildren. We asked DM what she wanted her grandkids to call her, expecting variations of "Granny", "Gran", "Nana", etc. She announced that she expects them to call her by her first name, "Betty" (not her real name but for the sake of discussion).

Even worse, my DF (presumably in solidarity as he does pander defer to her a lot) says he wants to be called by HIS first name. Trouble is, nobody actually uses his first name. His family and friends call him a variety of nicknames. So he wants his grandchildren to call him, say, "Patrick" (again not his real name) when he's only ever known as Pat or Paddy or a nickname by everyone who knows him. So his grandchildren will be calling him something MORE formal than anyone else.

AIBU to want my children to call their grandparents by the sweet and loving terms that most children use, instead of by cold, formal first names?

I'm struggling not to read more into this than it actually means. I'm wary of preggo hormones so don't want to let myself spiral into "well if they don't even want to be CALLED "Granny" or "Grandad" that means they don't really WANT to be grandparents" (oh that way madness lies).

or tell her I completely agree full names this is your grandchild peregrine sebastin augustus fortescue

You asked her what she wanted to be called and she told you. Then you were unhappy with that. If you only want an answer that's within a narrow range of options, it's best to state those options up front.

This works very well with toddlers too

Enjoy your new babies.

My DS calls my DM "boo", no idea where it came from and have now completely outted myself. I really love it though, it was completely from him.

I'm not sure I agree with grandparents having total say in what they are called. What do you do about the loopy ones my ILs who wanted to be called mama and papa?

I think YABU, but it's probably just pregnancy hormones - you won't care once the babies are born.

I think your parents have the right to choose what they want to be called, imagine if someone chose a name/title you weren't happy with and insisted that you be called that? You'd probably be very upset.

In the grand scheme of things what your DC call your parents doesn't matter as much as the close relationship you hope they will have.

I did ask the grandparents what they preferred to be called and then totally forgot. So now I tie myself in knots trying to buy the right occasion cards and title them appropriately.

It ends up with grandma on the front, nanny inside and nana elsewhere. My point is that I think in real life it ends up not really mattering.

By the time your children can talk you will probably find everyone will have settled on some names and I suspect they won't be the formal terms your mum and dad have in mind!!

Just go with it for now, there will be plenty more fires to extinguish along the way I suspect.

I really don't think YOU get to decide what other people are called to their faces. That seems really rude and controlling, akin to family insisting on calling you by a nickname you really dislike. Your feelings might be irrational in their eyes, but it's really unkind to persist if someone's asked you to stop using that name!

If you refer to Granny/Grandad to your children at home, but teach them to use their names when directly addressing them, I don't see the problem. Most cultures expect a certain degree of formality when addressing elders. Just treat this the same way.

I think I'd be somewhat and at their request for using first names.

And I wouldn't go along with it.

By the time the DC can talk and call them anything it's likely that your parents will have relaxed about the fact they are old enough to have GC. And won't care what weird concoction they are called. For the moment smile and nod, smile and nod.

I'm 'grandmama' to all five of the grandkids. A teacher at the school of one of them referred to me as 'nanny' one day when I came to pick them up. Five year old declared sternly 'She's not "nanny", she's "GRANDMAMA"'.

Grandma Betty and Grandad Patrick? If you refer to them as that to your children then surely that is a non confusing compromise.

It's up to them I would say.How are first names cold and formal? won't you be calling the DC by theirs.

Parents think they can control the child's whole environment- they really can't.
The grandmother decides what they want to be called, the child may well do a different name, mainly because they can't pronounce it but it isn't in the parent's choice.
I am not a grandmother yet but I am going to be Grandma, if the other one wants it too I will be Grandma Tamer. Simple.
My parents and in laws chose their names, I shall chose mine. Several of my mother's friends opted for first names, it isn't unusual.

As soon as the child is old enough you will sound pretty silly referring to Granny at home when it is really Mary, as silly as the grandmother insisting on calling the child Amelia when they are known as Millie.
Relax- you asked, she told you!

People are at their worst with control with babies, once they can walk and talk they get more laid back- thankfully.

YABU
I'm not a great lover of titles perhaps because I called my parent's by their first names. My DC call me Mum because they want to but I also respond if they use my first name. I don't like my DN calling me Aunty but I grin and bear it. Some of DH's friends DC call me Aunty for cultural reasons and I wish I could tell then not to without causing offence.

Mine used 'Grandma Name' and 'Grandad Name' for all their grandparents. That might work for you. My own dgc use either Grandma or a personalised nn starting with Gran. I'd hate to have a full version of my name from anyone never mind children!

It won't work for you if the grandparent wants just their name! It is their choice and nothing to do with the parent.

YABU.

My grandparents didn't want to be called Granny etc, I have always called them by their names. They are & were the most loving engaged grandparents you can imagine.

One half of my family were so wanna be middle class they were a joke. They didn't just want to be called by their names, they hated having a title referring to the relationship.

They were so up their own arses I cut contact before my daughter was born. Horrible snobby twats.

What was really sad was that they made my dad doubt himself and he once said if I wanted to call him by his name I could. I told him I'd call him dad because he was the only dad I'd ever have and it's a term of respect and endearment.

My own daughter will refer to her grandparents as Nanny X and Nanny Y to differentiate when taking about them, but just nanny when talking to them if we aren't all together.

As a child my dad was adamant that he was called his name not Dad, I found him cold and a bit scary.The kids also call him by his name but to be honest they don't really like him very much.

I would now start calling your mum Betty instead of Mum, and if she comments say it's going to be less confusing for the children that way.

Okay, whoa on the "you are being controlling" remarks. Mumsnet is the only place I've given vent to my feelings on this. When DM announced her choice of moniker to us, I quietly ventured "Are you sure? Doesn't that sound a little bit cold?" to which I was told that the person concerned has the right to decide what to be called. I acquiesced completely and haven't said a word on the subject since (it's been a month).

Nanny0gg "I was so thrilled to be a grandmother it wouldn't have occurred to me not to be given a 'title'."

This is the issue for me, really. I suppose I'd like my parents to be a bit nicer about the whole prospect of our babies. They aren't really excited or even interested. DF seems uncomfortable with any talk of babies. DM almost never calls me of her own accord and never asks how I am. If anything they've had LESS contact with me since I told them I was pregnant.

Maybe it's a deeper issue- perhaps if they were more supportive and excited and concerned for us I'd be taking the name thing less personally. For me now though it seems to epitomise their attitude- that they don't really want anything to do with the babies.

Aaaaaarrrggghh preggo hormones! I'm usually really good at keeping control over my emotions but pregnancy is showing me otherwise!

The relationship between your mother and her grandchildren is not really one where you get a say over things like what they call one another.

She wants to be known by her name, which is entirely reasonable (and not necessarily "cold" and "formal", do you consider it cold and formal when people call you by your name?)

What the children eventually call her will be something that is decided, ultimately, by them.

There isn't really any reason for you to care about it very much.

As long as your mother is good to them and love them, the best thing you can do is let them built their own relationship and not interfere.

I really wouldn't worry - I think you'll find that the children will call 'granny' whatever they like!!
One of my DCs granny is called after a Duplo character that DS had at about a year because he thought is looked like her - he is 12 now and the name still continues

We called my grandmother "mother," when I was old enough to understand I found it very odd. I remember getting embarrassed explaining it to friends. I wish my mum was still around so I could ask her about it. Since becoming a mum myself I think I'd have found it really hard that someone else was so keen to take the matriarchal role.