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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my children to call DM "Granny" instead of by her first name?

94 replies

Evie2014 · 29/01/2014 18:10

I'm a new poster (very long term lurker though) and am a bit scared of sticking my head into the jaws of AIBU for my first thread; but I did want to canvass a variety of opinions, not just the pregnancy board.

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with twins. My sister is also pregnant- 30 weeks. The three babies will be our parents' first grandchildren. We asked DM what she wanted her grandkids to call her, expecting variations of "Granny", "Gran", "Nana", etc. She announced that she expects them to call her by her first name, "Betty" (not her real name but for the sake of discussion).

Even worse, my DF (presumably in solidarity as he does pander defer to her a lot) says he wants to be called by HIS first name. Trouble is, nobody actually uses his first name. His family and friends call him a variety of nicknames. So he wants his grandchildren to call him, say, "Patrick" (again not his real name) when he's only ever known as Pat or Paddy or a nickname by everyone who knows him. So his grandchildren will be calling him something MORE formal than anyone else.

AIBU to want my children to call their grandparents by the sweet and loving terms that most children use, instead of by cold, formal first names?

I'm struggling not to read more into this than it actually means. I'm wary of preggo hormones so don't want to let myself spiral into "well if they don't even want to be CALLED "Granny" or "Grandad" that means they don't really WANT to be grandparents" (oh that way madness lies).

OP posts:

have4goneinsane · 30/01/2014 09:34

my dad decided he wanted to be known as "have2gonemad" rather than 'granddad' or other options, I was a bit but his view was that kids are bright enough to work out who is significant in their lives and how they fit in without labels like 'granddad'.

roll on a few years and the kids are absolutely clear he is their grandfather and I'm so used to it I don't even notice any more

BicycleGasoline · 30/01/2014 09:49

This is my PIL, with the difference that DH and his sibling have always used their first names too. It's all worked out fine. MIL will readily admit that she has issues with the age related connotation of being a grandparent and it making her feel old. FIL is so laid back he just accepts what he's told but mil really got herself in knots about this before dc1. They WERE distant after dc1 was born, but they just didn't know how to be around babies, there hadn't been any in the extended family since DH! Now dc is 2.5 and pronounces their names perfectly. She knows they are her grandparents, but "Grandma and Grandad" are very definitely my parents. PIL are much more involved now, can't fault them at all. I had Dtwins when dc1 was 20 months so it was clear we needed them!
Names don't symbolise the relationship at all, though I get where you are coming from because at your stage I was there too.

notso · 30/01/2014 09:53

My third DC couldn't say Grandma and called my Mum Mumraaa and subsequently so does everyone. DSIS and I refer to her as the Mumraaa the ever living (google Thundercats if you are confused) as she has cheated death on many occasions (she has had cancer, 2 car crashes and two falls down the stairs)

I had DD at 19, both of our families rarely mentioned the baby or pregnancy but once she was born they fell in love with her!

Pigeonhouse · 30/01/2014 09:53

In what way are first names 'cold and formal', for heaven's sake? Some of the people who are fondest of me in the world call me by my first name!

I think that what two people who aren't you call one another is up to them to thrash out between them, to be honest.

Weirdly, my one year old spontaneously calls my mother by her first name, though he calls his three other grandparents some variant of 'granny'/'grandpa'. No one suggested this, and we're baffled as to how it came about, especially as we live in different countries, so he mostly sees her on Skype and wouldn't regularly hear anyone addressing her by her first name...

fortifiedwithtea · 30/01/2014 09:53

This will out me. My DC call my mum Bellas as in Bella Lasagne from Fireman Sam. Several of my friends think my mum's name really is Bella and call her that to her face. She never corrects them and neither do I. It's gone on for far too long now it would embarrass them. Eldest DC is 15 yo.

Smile and nod at your parents. Your children will make up their own names. My mum had wanted to be called Grandma. She is delighted with Bellas, its special to her

Original poster

Evie2014 · 30/01/2014 10:04

BicycleGasoline lovely to read. Really good to hear from someone in a very similar situation.

Everyone else, thank you too. It's genuinely helpful to get all the different points of view. Stops me clinging to my (possibly slightly OTT) one.

OP posts:

manechanger · 30/01/2014 10:09

both of them are granny and grandpa in our family but ds1 couldn't say grandpa when he was little so went with wanka, my dad is relieved that ds2 mispronounciation is manga. All grandparents are differentiated, one set is river granny and grandpa (cos they live by a river of course) and the other set are named after their pet. Kids chose that, gps wanted to be something else entirely, they didn't realise what the most memorable things about them were. duh. my mum was shocked at how much she felt for first grandchild once it was born.

ghostofawasp · 30/01/2014 10:10

I agree with fortifiedwithtea - my children also made up their own nicknames for everyone in the family because there are some long names that they couldn't say. My mother now answers to Granny Annie even though her name is nowhere near Annie, their other Granny gets called by her first name if the kids can't be faffed to say Grandma X and their grandad got an affectionate abbreviation of his last name. Thinking about it, they've all stuck and we refer to everyone by their "new" names and it's quite charming really...

PacificDogwood · 30/01/2014 10:16

My DS1 chose what to call my mum and dad - they are entirely 'fitting' grandparental words, but totally made up .
This was after I practiced with him what I wanted him to call them for months and months before going to visit them.
I think it's lovely - and my other 3 DSs have taken to those names too, as they never knew anything different I think.

Roll with it. Your DCs will have you and their grandparents trained in no time . And your parents may of course also change their minds...

Also, just a tiny nudge to try and not 'borrow worry from tomorrow' (as a v wise MN dealing with real tragedy in her life said): your babies are not even born yet, they won't speak (much) for a year or 2. This is truly not something to worry about.

FWIW, our boys call us 'mummy/mum' and 'daddy/dad' but DS3(almost 6) very randomly sometimes uses our first names. Go, figure!

bodygoingsouth · 30/01/2014 10:17

always makes me chuckle when people think they can actually programme children to day what they want them to.

my kids called my mom gran as she's welsh and liked that and my dad was poppa as he's American.

my mil was nanna as she was a brummie girl and fil was big G as he was fairly big.

my older 2 inexplicably started calling dh D for a while and as we had 2 much younger people would assume they were my older kids from a first marriage and he was their step dad. hilarious.

I have been various names, especially during the teen years, but settled at mom.

who cares.

laughingeyes2013 · 30/01/2014 10:18

I would slip in conversations (in front of your parents) "Granny Betty" and "grandad Patrick", and then at home when grandparents aren't there just "granny and grandad". Kids will soon drop the formal name and grandparents will be weak at the knees with anything that comes from their dear grandchild's lips so having a precious little person tug on their arm saying "granny have a kiss" will not be all about being called Betty.

bassingtonffrench · 30/01/2014 10:18

my MIL said she would let DS, her first grandchild, make up his own name for her. I think she was hoping for something youthful and cute.

It made it very awkward for the first two years of his life as I just never refered to her in front of him by any name whatsoever because I was worried about leading him into something she wouldn't like.

then a sensible nursery worker resolutely refered to her as 'grandma', which she then became! Most traditional of the lot!

I don't know whether she regrets it and wishes she'd been more prescriptive earlier on.

Personally I think first names for grandparents are silly and will confuse other people, like nursery staff etc, but if they are determined I'd just go with it.

Pigeonhouse · 30/01/2014 10:21

Fortified, I think your mother being called after Bella Lasagna from Pontypandy is adorable. (My son is a new convert to the delights of Fireman Sam, so I've not quite figured out where Bella disappears to in the newest ones...? She was a brilliant foil for Dilys Price.)

ScentedScandal · 30/01/2014 10:24

' big G ' is brilliant I like that one!

TamerB · 30/01/2014 10:46

always makes me chuckle when people think they can actually programme children to day what they want them to.

They soon learn -before they are born they actually think it is their choice!

2rebecca · 30/01/2014 10:54

I suspect I'd automatically refer to her as "nanna Ruth" in front of the kids. If I'm calling her mum I wouldn't automatically use her first name so she'd be referred to as "mum" "your grandmother" or "nanna Ruth" or varients on the above if i was talking about her. I think chilcren calling older adults by their first names sounds precocious and disrespectful.
She can ask the children to call her Ruth (or whatever her name is) but I'd find it hard to automatically call her that unless I'd been raised to call her Ruth rather than mum as well.

bodygoingsouth · 30/01/2014 10:57

scented he loved it.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 30/01/2014 11:04

I think it is something your children and their grandparents will decide between them as their relationships evolve. Perhaps your parents are having trouble relating to three abstract "babies" (it presumably being decades since they've dealt with any) but will find easier once there are actual little people there?

TamerB · 30/01/2014 11:06

Not if they like it 2rebecca. I get all children to call me by my first name and I am over 60yrs. I shall be Grandma if I get to be one, but I should keep correcting if parents insisted I was Auntie or Mrs. It is my name and I get to choose-not the parent.
Think how upsetting it would be if you decided on Mummy and your perverse mother kept calling you Mama! What is the difference?

BadaBingBang · 30/01/2014 11:07

I called my grandparents by their first names, it was what they wanted. It was perfectly normal to me, I knew they were my grandparents. Surely they have a right to decide what their grandchildren call them.

curlew · 30/01/2014 11:09

Frankly, it's nothing to do with you-it's up to your children and their grandparents. Let them sort it out for themselves.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 30/01/2014 11:10

Also... Older people, and indeed anyone who has lost a pregnancy, or often a bit wary of assuming a familiar relationship with a child that hasn't been safely delivered yet.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 30/01/2014 11:15

My parents weren't particularly interested in excited about becoming grandparents, I think they foresaw themselves destined to be (like some of their friends) 24/7 childcare providers and their house being overrun by plastic tat.

A couple of months after DS was born (their first DGC) they threw themselves wholeheartedly into the role and absolutely adore them, they did do one day a week childcare till they started school.

So, if it's that, they may well change their minds once the DCs have all arrived, especially if the DCs make up some adorable pet name in a couple of years. Otherwise it's up to them and if they have made their feelings clear it would be disrespectful not to go with it. I really wouldn't worry about it just yet.

CatAmongThePigeons · 30/01/2014 11:21

We have nanny x, nanny y, nanny z, grandad a and grandad b.

DH was brought up with grandma/grandpa surname.

The DC have always called their grandparents by their first names, it's easier when talking about one grandparent in particular. They're always nanny/grandad when they're with us.

EmilyAlice · 30/01/2014 11:26

I think sometimes it is difficult at first because the names still "belong" to the previous generation. I assumed I would be Granny (though in my head that was my late mother) and no way would I be Grandma Surname, because that was my late MiL. As it turned out it was fine because the eldest decided to call me Gaga. Now often said with a sigh and roll of the eyes, "Oh Gaga...."

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