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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset (and a bit cross) that no one is coming to our party?

128 replies

ethelb · 29/01/2014 17:57

DP and I are throwing a housewarming party this Saturday. We have had a difficult 18 minths due to DP job loss and a very difficult past three months where a manic Christmas with business meant I pretty much saw and spoke to no one for a couple of months. Which is why I wanted to get everyone together to see all the people I have missed so much.
However, out of 46 people we have invited only seven people have responded and only one of them to say they can come.
This is after we cancelled a get together in december (to celebrate christmas rush being over) due to only one person being able to make it.

Am i being unreasonable to be utterly fucked off?

OP posts:
Quinteszilla · 30/01/2014 18:44

I actually think a FB invite is pretty synonymous with using a town crier!

It is a pretty random thing, a shout out in your circle.

wouldbemedic · 30/01/2014 20:17

I'm sorry you're hurt but you sound very sure of what your friends owe you. I agree with others that it's the facebook thing probably keeping people away (especially when it's visible that not many are attending). At the same time, I wouldn't expect to go off the map for three months, then expect attendance at a house warming party (requiring a gift and not even a birthday) especially when the invite was clearly made to all and sundry. I wouldn't care what you had done for me in the past. Nothing would be worth encountering that attitude for.

phantomnamechanger · 30/01/2014 20:33

sorry OP but you are coming across as someone who expects to click their fingers and everyone will come running to spend time with you because you are so wonderful and they should feel so honoured to be invited that they drop all other commitments and do as you wish. That really is how this is reading IMHO.

However, I also agree in general that FB is naff for inviting people (because it seems like a general all inclusive list not a hand picked gathering of people you want to be with) and also agree that people who don't even bother to RSVP to an invite are beyond rude.

Original poster
ethelb · 30/01/2014 20:53

"requiring a gift"

I'm sorry dear you have actually gone delusional and are imagining things.

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 30/01/2014 20:58

you might not require or expect a gift, but etiquette says that if you are invited to someone's house be it for drinks/dinner or in this case a housewarming, you at least take a bottle of wine or some flowers for the host/hostess.

Original poster
ethelb · 30/01/2014 20:59

and?

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 30/01/2014 21:07

and so that means that whether you intend it or not, your invitation is not without cost to your friends, who may not have the cash to spare on attending your do. January credit card bills post christmas and all that.

so you saying requiring a gift - I'm sorry dear you have actually gone delusional and are imagining things is quite rude, as I am sure MOST people would assume a gift was necessary as the polite thing to do in these circumstances.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/01/2014 21:39

ethelb... You sound a bit earnest about this really. I too have a January birthday and it's a month that people are just recovering from Christmas. It's a fact. If it bothers you that much then reschedule your birthday to a more appropriate date like the Queen does.

You're also getting tetchy with people who are giving you possible reasons why your friends don't want to attend - and they obviously don't. Your last "and?" is really quite aggressive. I too wouldn't consider you a friend if I had to be 'let off' to not attend an event.

This is the thing about invitations; they are just that, not summons and people are free to decline. If you're as close as you say you and your husband are to these 40 people, ask them - non-aggressively - why they don't seem to want to socialise with you.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2014 21:50

Iif I ask friends to attend my party they would give one f only 2 responses 1)yes, can't wait or 2)no, can't make it, gutted I'll miss it. No one would say 'maybe'. This is because they're my friends, they like me and I like them. A maybe response, I'm afraid, means they don't like you much. I wouldvstop wondering what's wrong with them, and look in the mirror. Sorry, but that's what I've thought throughout this thread and your responses to other people which haven't been particularly pleasant, have confirmed this.

ivanapoo · 30/01/2014 21:55

Do you know these friends through work?

ivanapoo · 30/01/2014 21:58

Maybe because you gave them grief when they were late to your party last time it's put them off?

A close friend of mine's birthday is the start of January.
Her birthday party is usually one of the busiest out of all our friends, because she's lovely and people want to see her... Just saying.

phantomnamechanger · 30/01/2014 22:02

If I was feeling really naughty, I would suggest that maybe all the friends have got another outing lined up, together, and have not invited the OP

we have all been honest OP and given lots of helpful suggestions about possible genuine reasons why people cant come - not enough notice, feeling of mass invitation rather than close personal invite ( especially true if many of these friends consider themselves just your acquaintances not dear friends), post christmas cash flow/diet etc, something else already on.

You in turn have just been plain rude to us. I get that you are miffed with rude people who have not replied at but maybe you do need to look closely & honestly and think what's putting them off?

BrianTheMole · 30/01/2014 22:04

Yanbu op. I'd cancel the lot, have a nice meal instead and some fiz. And start making some new friends too.

Mia4 · 30/01/2014 23:09

Are you sure they are your friends op? Or that you have to pissed them off. For such a large number to ignore or blow you out or say maybe at this stage it sounds like they have dome kind of issue with you.

Especially hearing that 13 of them were once all 2 hours late! That strikes me as coordinated lateness. Too many for coincide unless they were all travelling together.

Yanbu to be annoyed. I'd cancel and just blow them off for the ones who did reply or the ones who had good reason. Perhaps maybe ask your good friend if you have done something to offend or annoy because you were surprised how many were not interested or non committal. You may find out theres nothing and you just happen to have friends like this, in which case you can decide what to do if anything. Or you might sadly be surprised.

Mia4 · 30/01/2014 23:10

Or that you haven't pissed them off that should be

DoJo · 30/01/2014 23:57

I have to say that you aren't covering yourself in glory on this thread, OP. I can understand why you are upset and that you feel hurt and angry by your friends, but the people on here are offering advice and suggestions to try and help and you are responding in a pretty aggressive way.
For example, you may not 'accept' that people are often very busy in January, but it doesn't make it any less true. Unless you can appreciate that your birthday being in January doesn't necessarily top people's list of priorities, you might be setting yourself up to be more disappointed than is warranted.
Alternatively, perhaps these people really aren't as good friends as you think. Perhaps they aren't prepared to make much effort for you as you are for them. It sounds like that might be the case, and that is a shame. Nobody likes to think that they aren't good company, but maybe you just haven't got as much in common with a lot of these people as you thought. I hope that you do enjoy your party and that more people turn up than you are currently expecting.

Quinteszilla · 31/01/2014 00:07

I think this thread shows why nobody is coming to OPs party. She is not coming across as a very nice person at all.

Lifeisaboxofchocs · 31/01/2014 07:09

I am going to sound harsh, but i don't mean to hurt you.

I am always fascinated by these kind of threads. The lack of introspection and self awareness can be astonishing.

OP, i think it is time to look inwards. For that number of invites, and that kind of poor response, something is amiss with the way you and DH maintain friendships. There is no softer way of saying it.

Llareggub · 31/01/2014 07:15

You really are a bit stroppy. Are you like this with your friends?

MinesAPintOfTea · 31/01/2014 08:21

Op you have tried to organise three parties in a month if I'm reading correctly. That will make people less inclined to go to one because it feels like your parties for no big reason ate a regular requirement (and in my late twenties I haven't had a birthday party for a good few years). Scale it back, especially if a lot of it is business related.

Ilovexmastime · 31/01/2014 19:13

Yanbu to be upset, but yabu to be annoyed. You sound like you think your friends owe you because you've attended all of their events. But this was your choice, and presumably you enjoyed going to them. However, they are not obligated to attend your parties because of this, that's not real friendship. And I think that's the crux of this problem, they don't sound like 'close' friends to me. I have a close friend whose birthday is in January, and although it's often the last thing I feel like doing, I make the effort to go on a big night out with her (and always end up enjoying it too!).

wouldbemedic · 02/02/2014 00:42

OP, I hope you didn't collapse in tears at the way your thread ended. I understand it's a horrible feeling to have nobody come to your party and the thread probably ended up making that feeling worse. I do feel it was probably the facebook invite thing that led to the poor numbers rather than anyone disliking you as a friend - and nobody here is able to say you're not a good friend because we have only witnessed you spitting with rage and hurt in an anonymous place. Hope you've picked yourself up and manage to have a good weekend :)

grumpyoldbat · 02/02/2014 09:37

OP I learned a while ago to never ever host a party for anything ever again. After the humiliating disaster of our wedding invitations and RSVPs (or more accurately lack of RSVP). I came to the conclusion it indicated what they thought of us so became more insular so they couldn't hurt me again.

For example I haven't had a girls night out since my hen night. I concentrate on work, study, my immediate family and get my entertainment from books, tv and internet.

thenamestheyareachanging · 02/02/2014 11:02

I have to say I don't reply to facebook invitations. Not because I'm being rude but because I assume the people just sent it to everyone and I'm never sure if they actually want me there. Evfen when a very good friend made her dd's Christening a facebook event, I didn't respond and didn't go - but maybe it's m,e who doesn't understand modern etiquette. Of course, if they'd contacted me directly I would have gone and taken a nice present.

AnnaBegins · 02/02/2014 18:37

Aw OP that is pretty shit. Is it maybe because you've moved a bit further out? I find that London people (and indeed people who have recently moved to London so should know better) tend to be so London centric that travelling anywhere is completely off their radar!

I had a birthday party in the summer, gave a month's notice, did a facebook email (so not an event, a private group message) to about 20 or so friends with immediate follow up text to say please check facebook. The 3 couples who came all travelled over an hour, one couple travelling 2 hours each way, and surprise surprise are all midlands based. All those who lived in London either didn't reply or said, oh it's too far away. It's 50 mins by train from Euston and I'll happily pick up from the station! The date had even been checked in advance with one of my best friends who then said, no that doesn't suit me.

What made it even more galling was that another friend had a facebook message thread at the same time inviting people to her London housewarming a week later and the same people who said no or gave no answer to mine were very enthusiastic about going to hers! Of course I went too, as it's not far to London...

If people expect you to make the effort for their birthdays/weddings/babies etc then they need to do likewise for you! Sounds like some straight talking is needed as they may not realise how you feel.