To feel this way about my unborn baby?

[VeloWoman]

I am 27 weeks pregnant and I had a scan today, they found not one but two problems with the baby one with it's liver and another with it's proportions. The consultant said my baby may also have a chromosomal/congenital condition but at this gestation they do not usually do invasive testing so the baby will be examined/tested at birth for various things. I guess the reason they don't do the testing is that by this gestation the baby is going to be born regardless as the time for termination has come and gone.

Until today I was feeling happy and excited about having this baby, my six year old was born very early and has numerous medical problems and if I am honest I was hoping for/looking forward having a normal full term baby that I could hold as soon as it was born and be it's mum without having to be a carer/advocate and in and out of hospital with all the time.

Now I feel like that's all gone, the excitement and hope has gone away. I feel like I am not even sure I want to have this baby anymore, I know that is horrible and I should love it and want to protect and care for it but right now I feel like it's too much. I was happy to sacrifice everything for my six year old because I felt overwhelming love for him from the second I saw him but I feel nothing but dread right now at the thought of having another baby with health problems. I don't want anything bad to happen to the baby but part of me wishes I never got pregnant in the first place. I am also really struggling with the thought of spending another 12 weeks gestating a baby and not knowing the whole time whether or not it has a congenital condition on top of these other issues. But what frightens me most of all is possibility that when I see this baby I won't love it and I will spend the next twenty years trying to hide that whilst raising it.

Sorry for the epic post and I am fully prepared to be flamed, I deserve it and I know that, I would hate myself if I wasn't so numb right now.

I am in floods of tears reading this thread. I am so impressed with honest you have been.

I am so sad that you have had difficult news about your baby. Pregnancy is a strange time. Such a blessing that is filled with worry and hormones.

Whilst I haven't been through anything close to what you are dealing with I would suggest that you find someone professional to talk this through. Their confidential listening ears work wonders.

Sending you lots of love.

you have had a huge shock and shouldn't be hard on yourself. give it time to sink in, find out more if you can, and then make a decision that suits you, not anyone else. i am so sorry you are in this position and i wish you whatever peace of mind you can find, no matter what you decide.

My DS2 was diagnosed with disabilities after birth.. and I found it very ahrd indeed. Couldn't bond with him, actually told my dh I wanted him adopted because I was terrified of the thought of the future with him. And was horrified at myself.. he was my 4th and I had always believed I would love my children unconditionally..then got one who didn't give anything back..no smiles no interaction and something inside me broke.

But... it got better. I was trying to face the WHOLE future..and no one can do that. I was given lots of support and found I could manage a day at a time, and at some point at about the year mark.. actually it was a year before he smiled.. I began to love him.

Fast forward 16 years and DS2 is the hub of our family, loved and loving. And it was OK.

I later found that I wasn't alone feeling the way I did.. you are NOT alone. But it's something very hard to say out loud.

it WILL be ok you know.. just for now do one day, one hour at a time...

Gosh, go easy on yourself!

I don't actually have anything helpful to say but how you feel sounds totally normal to me.

Give yourself some time and be as kind to you as you would be to a good friend in the same situation.

EXACTLY what Medusa said. One hour, day, week, at a time.

I think terminations can be done even after 24 weeks for medical reasons, so you could still have an amnio if you wanted to. you may not want, but it is an option.

Either way, you would love it when its born. Or by the time its big enough to notice!

Reading the responses saying that I could get a late term termination if the amino revealed that the baby has a severe condition has made me realise that even if I could have one I don't want one. Which has made wonder if deep down I do still care for this baby.

That's great. You've seen your true feelings now.

You'll come through :) you've just had a scary shock - go easy on yourself

I agree with Everlong: I too would bet my house on your loving this baby when they arrived. You're scared and thrown and who, honestly, wouldn't be? Your reactions are human, and they're those of a loving mum who knows what demands a SN child makes and is worried about meeting them, it sounds to me.

If I were in your situation, I would maybe ask for a referral to the Harris Birthright Trust, which is the worldleading NHS fetal medicine clinic in this country. It's the absolute best there is - local hospitals often aren't anything like as fantastic. (The Fetal Medicine Centre, which people on MN rave about - and with good reason - is effectively their private wing.) I also have a friend who recently had an amnio at 30something weeks, on the NHS at that clinic, because her baby's head was very large and they thought there might be a chromosomal problem. She was also given an MRI scan of the baby's brain, to examine the neurological development. There are more detailed tests they can do than an ultrasound, no matter where you are in your pregnancy term.

I'd be amazed if you didn't love your baby. We are programmed to do just that. But having the information at your fingers and being properly informed as the mother is important, IMO. It's not right of them to just cut you off from that. It's hard to bond when part of you is desperately wondering what special needs you might be encountering in your child, as they grow inside you. That doesn't make you bad or unmaternal - it just makes you human.

You poor thing sorry you've had such bad news. Not really sure if this will help but here goes....

like pheasant32 my dd (10 weeks old) was born with a cleft palate and a few other issues. On the day she was born the consultant uttered the words genetic syndrome testing and I literally went to pieces. She was in hospital for 3 weeks and I felt terrible as I hated being there but when I was at home I missed her and started imagining all
Sorts.

I was physically sick at the prospect of her having something majorly wrong with her and 1 day at the hospital i felt like just running out the doors and to keep on running. I hated myself for feeling like that. The dna results took 6 weeks to come back amd despite having her at home the not knowing was the worst part. You have literally found this news out today and you don't actually have your baby yet. I think you are being realistic with your feelings and shouldn't feel bad about it.

Nobody wants a baby with SN/health problems and in a way it's good that you are addressing these feelings now .

All I will say is that giving her a cuddle defInitely helped ease the pain and i'm sure once your baby is actually here it will help. Thankfully all the tests on dd have come back clear but I still feel upset when I think back to all that we've been through.

I've been offered counselling is that a possibility for you?

Good luck

Another here who, far from judging you harshly, admires your courage and honesty in facing your feelings.

As others have said, you've had a huge shock and your reaction is totally understandable. Don't feel bad for feeling bad.

I agree that the uncertainty will be making things so much worse, so do press for more testing and information. The more gaps there are, the more your mind will fill in with worst case fears.

Sorry, that doesn't really add much to what's already been said on this thread, but just wanted to add another voice wishing you well x