I am 27 weeks pregnant and I had a scan today, they found not one but two problems with the baby one with it's liver and another with it's proportions. The consultant said my baby may also have a chromosomal/congenital condition but at this gestation they do not usually do invasive testing so the baby will be examined/tested at birth for various things. I guess the reason they don't do the testing is that by this gestation the baby is going to be born regardless as the time for termination has come and gone.
Until today I was feeling happy and excited about having this baby, my six year old was born very early and has numerous medical problems and if I am honest I was hoping for/looking forward having a normal full term baby that I could hold as soon as it was born and be it's mum without having to be a carer/advocate and in and out of hospital with all the time.
Now I feel like that's all gone, the excitement and hope has gone away. I feel like I am not even sure I want to have this baby anymore, I know that is horrible and I should love it and want to protect and care for it but right now I feel like it's too much. I was happy to sacrifice everything for my six year old because I felt overwhelming love for him from the second I saw him but I feel nothing but dread right now at the thought of having another baby with health problems. I don't want anything bad to happen to the baby but part of me wishes I never got pregnant in the first place. I am also really struggling with the thought of spending another 12 weeks gestating a baby and not knowing the whole time whether or not it has a congenital condition on top of these other issues. But what frightens me most of all is possibility that when I see this baby I won't love it and I will spend the next twenty years trying to hide that whilst raising it.
Sorry for the epic post and I am fully prepared to be flamed, I deserve it and I know that, I would hate myself if I wasn't so numb right now.