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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

To feel this way about my unborn baby?

60 replies

VeloWoman · 29/01/2014 13:41

I am 27 weeks pregnant and I had a scan today, they found not one but two problems with the baby one with it's liver and another with it's proportions. The consultant said my baby may also have a chromosomal/congenital condition but at this gestation they do not usually do invasive testing so the baby will be examined/tested at birth for various things. I guess the reason they don't do the testing is that by this gestation the baby is going to be born regardless as the time for termination has come and gone.

Until today I was feeling happy and excited about having this baby, my six year old was born very early and has numerous medical problems and if I am honest I was hoping for/looking forward having a normal full term baby that I could hold as soon as it was born and be it's mum without having to be a carer/advocate and in and out of hospital with all the time.

Now I feel like that's all gone, the excitement and hope has gone away. I feel like I am not even sure I want to have this baby anymore, I know that is horrible and I should love it and want to protect and care for it but right now I feel like it's too much. I was happy to sacrifice everything for my six year old because I felt overwhelming love for him from the second I saw him but I feel nothing but dread right now at the thought of having another baby with health problems. I don't want anything bad to happen to the baby but part of me wishes I never got pregnant in the first place. I am also really struggling with the thought of spending another 12 weeks gestating a baby and not knowing the whole time whether or not it has a congenital condition on top of these other issues. But what frightens me most of all is possibility that when I see this baby I won't love it and I will spend the next twenty years trying to hide that whilst raising it.

Sorry for the epic post and I am fully prepared to be flamed, I deserve it and I know that, I would hate myself if I wasn't so numb right now.

OP posts:

goblindancer · 29/01/2014 14:22

I would push for an amnio so you have a better idea what you're dealing with. You can absolutely still have a tfmr up until birth, there isn't a time limit.

Original poster

VeloWoman · 29/01/2014 14:30

The testing option is basically to have an amino, but even if I have one it won't tell us how badly the baby will or will not be affected by the problems with it,s liver/skeletal proportions. My scan was done by a consultant at a maternal foetal medicine centre as I am classed as high risk due to what happened in my last pregnancy. I think if I really pushed for an amino they would do one but it would still not rule out problems if you see what I mean.

I already know that gender and have lots of baby things, I really wanted to be prepared after having DS so early last time and having nothing ready.

Now I just feel like a fool for thinking I would have a normal, healthy full term baby. Now I feel more of a sense of obligation to give birth to it and care for it than excitement or love, and I feel sorry for my own baby for having a mother that feels that way about it!

I am sorry if that didn't make much sense.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 29/01/2014 14:39

It makes total sense. How you're feeling is normal and it's great that you're being honest rather than hiding it. It isn't fair that you have this to deal with after having such a hard time with your son. Feeling angry and disappointed is to be expected.

For now your child is just a theory, a problem and an obligation. You don't know him or her. You have just been signed up for stress and heartache with a child you have never seen. No one would take that cheerfully.

What would you like to happen next?

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 29/01/2014 14:42

I think you're underestimating yourself. You have just told us what a tiger mother you are in regards to your first child. Why would your second be any different?

MNHQ

RowanMumsnet · 29/01/2014 14:45

Hello VeloWoman

We're so sorry to read that you're having a tough time.

A couple of people have reported this thread to suggest that you might like us to take it out of AIBU for you. We can see that the other posters have been lovely and helpful but if you would like us to move this somewhere else for you, just report your own post and let us know.

Of course it's completely fine for the thread to stay here if that's what you would like.

Thanks
MNHQ

Original poster

VeloWoman · 29/01/2014 14:49

Reading the responses saying that I could get a late term termination if the amino revealed that the baby has a severe condition has made me realise that even if I could have one I don't want one. Which has made wonder if deep down I do still care for this baby.

I suppose what I want is for there to be no more complications, to get to full term, for the babies proportions to have gotten a bit more normal at my next scan and for my baby to only have mild health problems/SN at birth and nothing to severe. Oh and for no more bad news.

I want to stop feeling this way and to love and accept this baby, maybe a time machine...

I am confused, but just being honest with mumsnet and myself on this thread has helped a bit.

OP posts:

Original poster

VeloWoman · 29/01/2014 14:52

MNHQ thanks, I am not really sure where the thread should go, I didn't want to post it in SN Children or pregnancy and upset anyone.

Maybe antenatal tests and choices?

I really don't know sorry.

OP posts:

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 29/01/2014 14:56

Of course you do on all counts.
You've had a massive shock and minimal support from your hospital.
MN rocks in terms of unloading and getting wonderful advice and support.
Time is what you need. x

MNHQ

RowanMumsnet · 29/01/2014 16:49

@VeloWoman

MNHQ thanks, I am not really sure where the thread should go, I didn't want to post it in SN Children or pregnancy and upset anyone.

Maybe antenatal tests and choices?

I really don't know sorry.

No problem. Antenatal Tests and Choices would probably be a good one, but we're happy to leave it here. Why don't we do that for now and just drop us a line if you decide you do want it moved?

traininthedistance · 29/01/2014 16:59

Oh love, what a shock for you. What you're feeling us entirely natural and normal. Thinking of you, and hoping that you have the best news possible at the next appointment. xxxx

And to DeWe and Pheasant

LittleMissGerardButlersMinion · 29/01/2014 17:02

I'm sorry I can't offer any useful advice, but I just wanted to say don't be hard on yourself, give yourself time to think about things.

It's ok to feel shocked and overwhelmed, if you didnt care you wouldn't have started this thread,

Innogen · 29/01/2014 17:04

But what frightens me most of all is possibility that when I see this baby I won't love it and I will spend the next twenty years trying to hide that whilst raising it.

I promise you, you will love your child, and they will love you.

everlong · 29/01/2014 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IneedAsockamnesty · 29/01/2014 17:11

Of course your confused and having various feelings, it's a very new situation for you with this baby.

These feelings will change constantly and I wholeheartedly advise a cuddle when your over whelmed by them.

homeaway · 29/01/2014 17:16

So sorry you are going through this. Have a look at the ante natal choices snd tests board there is a clinic in London that is often mentioned and I think they have a lot of experience with non straight forward pregnancies. I think you need an expert to help you find out what problems your baby will be born with.

homeaway · 29/01/2014 17:18

Sorry posted too soon do that you can prepare yourself for the birth.

chebella · 29/01/2014 17:23

Massive respect for your honesty in an area of real taboo. There is so much stigma attached to unspoken feelings around this area and I have huge admiration for you voicing your feelings.

Nanny0gg · 29/01/2014 17:24

Which has made wonder if deep down I do still care for this baby.

I think you do. But as others have said, you're in shock and you are coming to terms with the change that you are having in your 'expectations' for this baby, coloured by what you have been through with your older one.

Please be kind to yourself. Don't sit there thinking of how you should be feeling; there is no should.

Can you get more help and information from the consultant or the midwives?

Take care of yourself and remember that there are many on here ready to listen and support you through this.

Rhuba · 29/01/2014 17:24

Thinking of you. I'm sorry I don't have a lot to add. Don't feel guilty about your feelings. You sound like a great Mummy.

Meerka · 29/01/2014 18:34

thinking of you too. Please, try and be gentle on yourself. You've had some very shocking news and have a lot to take on board. Please don't beat yourself up, accept your feelings and give yourself some time

plentyofsoap · 29/01/2014 19:01

I am so sorry you are having a difficult pregnancy.
My first came early and I really wanted a "normal" second pregnancy. I can totally understand your feelings about this and mine started to go wrong at 26 weeks so I never had it (another early one) Try and stay positive, easier said than done.

Valdeeves · 29/01/2014 19:13

Be kind to yourself, what you are feeling is complete natural - I am sure you are a wonderful mum and you will be - you just need time, support and understanding from others to help you get through.

Valdeeves · 29/01/2014 19:14

I wish I had more advice to add but it sounds like there are lots of people here who know what they are talking about.

gordyslovesheep · 29/01/2014 19:16

gentle squeezes OP - you've had a huge shock - be kind to yourself x

OneUp · 29/01/2014 20:38

Nothing to say except unmumsnetty hugs.

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