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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want a house full of FIL in final 2 months of pregnancy?

25 replies

SuzanneSays · 29/01/2014 12:53

My Dh and I live in a hot sunny country so get lots of lovely visitors all year round. We are expecting our 1DC in July which is usually when his sister and her DC visit. This year I've said I would prefer not to have visitors in the final 2 months of my pregnancy as I have no idea how exhausted etc I will be, and even though I get on with them it means a full house, extra cleaning etc etc. AIBU to say DH can't invite them? He is very close to his family and I know he misses them, but feel in this case his priority should be me and the baby. What if baby is early, there are complications etc???

OP posts:
crazykat · 29/01/2014 13:12

What's it like when they visit? Do they help out or expect to be waited on and entertained constantly?

TBH you can't ban your DH from inviting his family to his home (unless there's a history of dislike between them and you). At least not for two months, the month before and after you're due is fair game though.

You could however tell our DH that you don't feel up to visitors and all the extra work, but if he still wants them to come then he does all the cooking/cleaning etc that they generate. Or would it be possible for them to stay in a hotel nearby?

You need to raise it with your DH from the angle that you need rest in the last few weeks before the baby comes, not stressing over visitors, and enjoy the last few weeks of you and him before the baby bomb goes off and turns your world upside down (in the best possible way).

Original poster
SuzanneSays · 29/01/2014 13:28

Thanks CrazyKat- His sister does help out but her two boys (10 & 12) do absolutely nothing, not even clearing their plates. We do get on but there can be a bit of tension sometimes - not sure if DH is aware of this though.

Although 2 months sounds like a long time, as we live abroad we quite often only see them during school holidays or when we visit the UK, but Ok I take on board your point about not being able to ban his family!

OP posts:
Inertia · 29/01/2014 13:51

I don't think YABU. I would suggest to your DH that family are welcome at Easter/ May half term rather than July this year.

NynaevesSister · 29/01/2014 13:53

Talk to your husband and see how he feels. Newborns are exhausting and having someone to stay as well might be too much. If she is any kind of empathetic person then your husband having a chat with her and asking if she could miss or delay this year will be fine. And emphasise that next year it will be so lovely to have family there for their first birthday!

HumphreyCobbler · 29/01/2014 13:56

You are not banning his family, you are saying that this particular time is not convenient.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 29/01/2014 13:58

YANBU

MeridianB · 29/01/2014 14:02

I don't think you are being unreasonable, particularly if they are even slightly high maintenance as house guests. The other factor would be how much your DH genuinely helps out when they stay.

How long did they plan to stay?

WooWooOwl · 29/01/2014 14:22

I think it would be mean to tell your DH he isn't allowed to invite his own family in this own home. I wouldn't tolerate being told I couldn't have my family in my home by my DH.

Couldn't you compromise and make DH agree to do the bulk of the extra cleaning? Or you could ask that they be invited for the summer and autumn half terms instead, or the Easter holidays.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 29/01/2014 14:32

TBH you can't ban your DH from inviting his family to his home (unless there's a history of dislike between them and you). At least not for two months, the month before and after you're due is fair game though

where is this written in the rule book? I must have missed it.

Op I am a full believer in a pregnant lady, carrying his child, and going through all the first hand discomfort and hormonal highs and lows as well as birth worries, being put first.

I think this is the one time that op can dictate to her dh seeing as its her carrying the baby, op has said they see the family on a very regular basis!

Surely her dh should be putting her first, so what if she is a tiny bit un reasonable this is one time in her life when she is allowed to be.

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 29/01/2014 14:34

I wouldn't tolerate being told I couldn't have my family in my home by my DH.

So your DH has to pass a gall stone and he is inflamed down below and feels awful and says,

"darling, please just this once can we have house to ourselves, just till i feel better".....

and you wouldn't tolerate that?

pigletmania · 29/01/2014 14:41

Yanbu at all. You are in the last 2 months of pg, at your heaviest and need to rest and relax not entertaining house guests. Stress is bad on the baby, so those last couple of months need to be centred around resting and last minute preparation. Anyone who says other wise is selfish, you are not banning them, or nit allowing them to come, just delaying it until the time us right fir you all.

vj32 · 29/01/2014 14:54

I don't think you are being unreasonable but even if they come earlier that may not be a good time - I had a really horrible first pregnancy but the worst bits with emergency hospital visits were all second trimester. By 32 weeks I was resting a lot but was otherwise fine. You may find that by the time you are huge near the end any guests are more considerate - probably because its obvious all the time you are pregnant and uncomfortable!

I think you need to establish with your DH that if people come to stay he needs to take over cleaning/cooking etc for them if you are not able to while you are pregnant and have a newborn regardless of the exact timing. Then offer the SIL some dates that you are happy with for them to visit.

BlackeyedSusan · 29/01/2014 14:55

yanbu. suggest that this year they come earlier or a lot later.

Original poster
SuzanneSays · 29/01/2014 16:25

Thanks for all your replies guys - I think the problem is is that I know even if DH promises to do all the extra cooking, cleaning shopping etc, it probably wont actually happen and I will end up feeling resentful.

It is quite likely to be 40 degree heat, and the last two years the two nephews have wanted to go to the beach, all day every day, and go out in the evenings to the local town which is packed at that time of year and just sounds exhausting already!!! I really don't want DH to feel like IABU but just know that I will find it stressy if they do come. They are already invited at Easter and what with other friends and PIL visiting feel like we have enough on and just want to spend the final couple of months relaxing and getting the house ready etc. Sorry for long post!

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 29/01/2014 16:32

I think you are quite within your rights and asking reasonably if you say you'd absolutely prefer them not to come during these months. And all these promises of extra help are probably well meant but real life often gets in the way of them. And you are feeling stressed out already at the thought. So they should be put off.

Norem · 29/01/2014 16:35

Yanbu at all, my family live abroad in a hot country, we go and visit them every year.
My sister had two DSs and there is no way I would have visited in her last months of pregnancy.
The heat can make it harder to sleep, increase swelling ect you will need to stay cool and nap when you like.
I think you are pretty fab for having visitors as often as you do and your DH should realise this too.
I presume they will all want to visit after baby arrives as well so it's not as if you won't see them. If I were you I would have a ban from 34 weeks or so to 4 weeks after baby ( this will allow for a late arrival )
And when they come prior to that, start to change the lay of the land with regard to everyone helping/ leading when it comes to meals and housework.
It sounds as though you will always have lots of visitors, train them up before baby arrives :)

Inertia · 29/01/2014 16:39

If they are already coming at Easter then they've visited, you've hosted- all family obligations met, I'd say.

TBH your 16.25 post just makes it sound as though you're being used as free accommodation- if you said that you wouldn't be able to put them up at your house but would meet them for a couple of hours each day, would they still want to come?

Meerka · 29/01/2014 16:47

YANBU. it might smooth things if you can suggest a time that -is- good, as compensation.

NotYouNaanBread · 29/01/2014 17:58

Let them come, but make it 100% clear that the condition is paid help during their visit. Don't let your DH be all "oh I'm sure they'll pitch in" because they won't, and you'll end up either doing it or seething pregnantly.

When we went on holiday a couple if years ago with my untidy IL's I hired a cleaning lady for 2 hours every morning through the family who owned the house and it was brilliant - worth every penny (tiny baby in that instance, not pregnant).

expatinscotland · 29/01/2014 18:02

YANBU. I'd tell him no. What if the OP cannot afford to hire help, not everyone can.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 29/01/2014 18:06

People who wouldn't "tolerate" their husband having a say over what happens in his own home and are using that as a yardstick to say that you can't have a quiet couple of months before the end of your pregnancy are to be ignored.

You don't feel up for guests, so there should be no guests.

This is your HOME.

It's not your husband's hotel to offer for free to whomever he pleases regardless of how you feel about hit.

This year you are pregnant and you would like some quiet time.

That is not an unreasonable request and a person who loved you and wanted you to be happy, particularly at such an important time in your life, would happily go along with it.

They are already coming at Easter anyway, so why you need to have them only two months later, even when you want some space, is not clear.

pigletmania · 29/01/2014 18:27

No is a complete sentence, tgey are coming at Easter so do not need to come again. It is a home not a hotel just because tgey don't want to pay for a hotel. You have stick up fir yourself and tell dh no, it's not happening,

WitchWay · 29/01/2014 18:43

Exactly piglet

Shitehawke · 29/01/2014 18:48

You only get one first pregnancy! Do not waste your last ever days of reading time/long bath time/etc and so on hosting!!!!!!

Patilla · 29/01/2014 19:15

Let them Visit but ask that they stay in a local hotel as a compromise.

Helps weed out how much they are prepared to pay to see your dH?

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