NC threats? AIBU?

[HelloBoys]

Based on another thread here. My mother is lovely but she's interfering. -she won't have it though

all through my brother's life for example she's bailed him out, helped in various ways etc to the point where he's now married happily a 2nd time but I do wonder what he'll do when she isn't here anymore. he is generally standing on his own feet now though (wife has helped here A LOT!). On the whole I've had some help (advice, monetary etc) but no way as near as my brother and I wouldn't want to have had it that way either.

sometimes we clash (mother and I) and I threaten to go NC on her which always scares the beejayus out of her as she knows I would do this. It would also ruin her. I partly do this as she waited a while to have me (miscarriages) and also she had a difficult relationship with her own mother (sorted out fine in later years).

Is this really unfair and unkind to do this to her? (threaten the NC) I would point out we generally get on see each other once a week, she meets me at work for lunch sometimes etc.

It just seems the only way to get her off my back sometimes and to actually back down. when we argue we rarely DO argue actually.

Yes it's unfair, unkind and massively bitchy.

It sounds like a power game rather than a genuine way of sorting out differences. Why can't you be honest with her and tell her when something is getting on your nerves rather than make threats. I thought NC was for "toxic" parents. Is she toxic? you sound like a bully.

she is toxic sometimes as she has tried to take control in a few areas - I was told to have a termination when I was 17. No choice in the matter.

I can have bullying tendencies.

To be fair I haven't said this for a couple of years now. And have had therapy over a few issues to do with my mother.

And when I say this I also sometimes say this to other family eg it includes stepfather and brother.

I know this sounds awful but sometimes I have it up to here with the lot of them.

Bizarre thing to do when you have said your mum is lovely.

It does sound a bit mean, if she is 'lovely'. I think you may be playing on her fear of losing you and, while effective, it is unkind.

But that's it OpalQuartz.

My mother GENERALLY is lovely and we have a great relationship. Better than a lot of mother daughters. BUT sometimes she and I will clash over certain POV (she likes to have the last word, tell me what to do) and it is THEN that I threaten the NC (but not for past 2 years).

otherwise we get on very very well. My mother's character can be quite 2 sided in opposite ways so I don't know how to read her well. I can be quite emotional, b&w and stormy.

Of course she has tried to take control in a few areas - she is your parent!

So you say to her you will go NC as you know this will scare her and ruin her........and you think she is the toxic one?

Yes, you certainly do have bullying tendancies don't you - how can you do this to your mum when you openly admit she is lovely.

Ellimam thanks for that. It is very unkind and says a lot about me as a person.

And mean-ness too. I won't do it again. In fact I have not done it since therapy last year and in 2012 and for 2 years now.

Now you tell us more there is much more to it. Sounds like you are harbouring resentment from the past and still punishing her. It would be much more productive,although more difficult just to talk about things openly

YABU...... Im sorry i think that is a really nasty thing to do..... Its like people getting divorced and using their children and pawns / or threating to leave your husband when you have no intention to actually do so. Unless you actually intend to do it, in which case a warning would be relevant, then its just mean and spiteful. As Ellimam says you are playing on her fear of losing to you "win" an argument.

Sounds like you're jealous of the help your brother's had and you're emotionally abusing your mother to punish her. If you want to go nc then do so but threatening it every time she pisses you off is vile actually.

Betty - I have already said I don't do this now.

Like I said before she has 2 sides to her personality.

How am I jealous of the help my brother's had? I really am not jealous! On the contrary I'm pleased my life hasn't needed the help he has had!

Drudge - I was and am still very upset re the abortion which I most certainly did not want.

we do and have done in past 2 years (and did do in past) talk about things more openly now. the counselling helped me a lot.

Velvet - yes I know it is vile.

I've been pulled up on it rightly by other family members. and have not and will not threaten it again.

Hello - have you considered more counselling for your feelings regarding the termination if you still feel badly about it?

My Dsis got pregnant a long time ago when she was 14 and my mum made her terminate... 30 odd years later my sister still has massive problems over this - the main being that in her mind she was marched off to the clinic, had it done and then it was never spoke of again. I think my mum bought her some nice glitter hairspray as a "treat" and that was that. My mum was in no way toxic and really, at that age it was the only realistic option but my sister still resents it, although she never resented my mum for it.

When you say your mum has 2 sides do you mean the side that agrees with you and the side that doesn't.

Your mum was just trying to do the best for you. It's done now so you need to try and deal with your emotions in whatever way you can and see your mum for what she is, not making her out to be a toxic parent.

Betty - thanks for this.

What you say makes a lot of sense. in the therapy I did cover the feelings over the termination.

I think when she disagrees with me well I am very stubborn and often can be quite blinkered and "right" but have worked to change that.

A bit stunned by this.
People from genuinely abusive, dreadful, childhoods often suffer badly when struggling to become NC. It is a scary, and extremely difficult, decision made because there are no longer options for safety/sanity if the relationship continues. Not sure if this was intended as a wind up for those people, OP, but that is certainly the effect.

Family ups and downs with people who are "lovely most of the time" is pretty much standard in many extended families, I would think. The abortion issue is obviously huge, but you actually seem to have moved past that and re-established a normal relationship, and describe the major aspects of your relationships as highly positive.
That is about as far removed from the experience of people who have chosen NC in order to live a "normal" life, as it is possible to get.

I honestly think you need to grow up. Disagreements between adults, don't necessarily equal a toxic relationship. You have a good relationship with your mother most of the time; treasure it.
And please stop threatening someone with whom you say you have a good relationship with withdrawal of your love and support.

That actually is the start of grounds for your mother to choose to go NC.

Betty my thoughts behind the termination.

basically I was a model pupil, daughter etc - a bit anxious too - got pregnant and shocked the whole world around me!

My mum threatened to throw me out eg council home and I didn't want that. I would not have been allowed to keep baby at home. I was young and naive.

My mum had done a similar thing at a similar age and both she and my grandmother thought that was the best policy for me.

I went for counselling before the termination but really did want the baby.

doesn't help that I had a miscarriage at 21 and now childless at 42!

RedRevision - I'm a bit shocked by you.

You know NOTHING about my background. If I tell you I had an alcoholic father who left when I was 5 does that count? If I tell you I had a severely asthmatic brother who almost died twice as a child does that count?

If I told you my brother and I were regularly spanked as children by my stepfather (my mother didn't know) and were locked in rooms does that count?

My stepfather also had a drink problem.

I had a mini nervous breakdown and several others afterwards which could have been due to severe PMT. which involved insomnia, anxiety etc...

so please do not tell me you know the half about my life and what I have been through.

Hello - that is really sad and I bet your mum feels badly about it now, especially as you didn't go on to have other children.

She just wanted the best for you....but maybe what she thought was best for you actually wasn't in the long run but you know, hindsight is a wonderful thing!

Do you beat yourself up for not trying hard enough to keep your baby? You weren't much more than a kid at the end of the day, an anxious one at that, maybe your mum just thought you wouldn't cope.

Have you actually sat down with her and discussed how this has made you feel? It's a sad situation but I am sure your mum just had your welfare at heart.

I would be NC with anyone who forced me to have a termination

I'm just shocked you still have someone like that in your life at all.

and for what it's worth I don't think NC would make any difference at all.......you just need to learn to deal with the past - not talking to your mum at this moment in time is going to change what happened or make you feel any differently about it.

Betty I do beat myself up about that... almost every day.

sorry but I will have to leave this thread as I am just too upset over it.