Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

NC threats? AIBU?

57 replies

HelloBoys · 28/01/2014 14:05

Based on another thread here. My mother is lovely but she's interfering. -she won't have it though

all through my brother's life for example she's bailed him out, helped in various ways etc to the point where he's now married happily a 2nd time but I do wonder what he'll do when she isn't here anymore. he is generally standing on his own feet now though (wife has helped here A LOT!). On the whole I've had some help (advice, monetary etc) but no way as near as my brother and I wouldn't want to have had it that way either.

sometimes we clash (mother and I) and I threaten to go NC on her which always scares the beejayus out of her as she knows I would do this. It would also ruin her. I partly do this as she waited a while to have me (miscarriages) and also she had a difficult relationship with her own mother (sorted out fine in later years).

Is this really unfair and unkind to do this to her? (threaten the NC) I would point out we generally get on see each other once a week, she meets me at work for lunch sometimes etc.

It just seems the only way to get her off my back sometimes and to actually back down. when we argue we rarely DO argue actually.

OP posts:
IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 28/01/2014 21:32

Congratulations on your pregnancy Smile

I think it's unreasonable to threaten to go nc and to use it as a weapon to exert control, but I don't think it's at all unreasonable to actually go nc if you feel that is what's best for you

I got pregnant in very similar circumstances to you, 17 A* student headed for big things but ignored any and all 'advice' to terminate and had my baby so I do undertand some of the pressure you were under and it's bound to stay with you. Is there perhaps a small chance that as well as being (rightly) upset about your mother pushing you to have a termination you are also angry with yourself for going along with it? I ask because sometimes it's easier to turn the blame outward rather than inwards and maybe the way you feel about your mother is tied to this? Having said that you were young and in a very vunerable position and there is absolutely no way you should ever blame yourself, the decision was the right one at the time and that's all any of us can ever do

HelloBoys · 28/01/2014 21:44

Iamaprincess yes I was sort of using it as a weapon which is bad. But I have also felt about WANTING to go NC too. My own reasons apart from those stated.

Yes I suppose I am angry re not having baby at myself but then I know (through similar teen mum friends) what a struggle it would be. My mum was literally like 'cut you off' I don't think she'd have done that but she kept on going about a baby in the house with stepdad and Brother. Strangely before this or same time she had a suspected ectopic pregnancy where her Fallopian tubes burst and she almost died and then I think menopause so maybe that was in her mind too.

I do blame myself for not trying harder but also my mum for not having supported me back then.

But then I'm pregnant now. Hopefully I won't do what happened at 21 and mc.

OP posts:
HelloBoys · 28/01/2014 21:45

Thanks for the congrats by the way it's a surprise but very welcome.

OP posts:
Littleen · 28/01/2014 23:15

Either you go NC or you don't. Threats about it is childish and ridiculous. NC might not make a huge difference, as you need to deal with the past rather than keep messing up what is in the now. Would be better to limit contact and to get yourself sorted - threats are just manipulative. Surely you don't want to be a manipulative person? Wouldn't make you any better than her would it? I considered NC with my abusive mum, but in the end decided to only limit contact which worked well. I don't think going NC is the right solution for most people, as it may just bury the issues further and still create problems for you.

HelloBoys · 29/01/2014 09:36

Littleen - I can be manipulative - not a very nice trait I know but have worked on this in my therapy. and I am not like that now.

My mother is not terrible in any means but I do think a lot was "brushed under the carpet" during our childhood and she put up with a lot from my stepdad (who was a rock) for a quiet life.

I was also sexually assaulted/abused (briefly) by a fellow child student when I was 8 which I think has severely upset me - it was brought to my mother's attention at the time but she didn't do much apart from doctor, remove me from that school etc. I did mention this to the counsellor when I saw him but what can one do years on? nothing. But I know this shaped my sexual behaviour afterwards in fact I'm 100% sure of it.

OP posts:
Elllimam · 30/01/2014 17:13

I agree with Betty that maybe counselling regarding the termination would be beneficial. It must have been traumatic particularly as you haven't been able to have further children. Possibly counselling with your mum would be helpful as it would let her know why you feel a latent resentment towards her. Good luck x

Elllimam · 30/01/2014 17:23

Sorry my phone only showed half the posts there Wink congratulations on your bfp that's lovely. Hopefully you and your mum will enjoy it together xxxx

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread