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Original poster

For those of you with 'bright' children, do you take the credit for it ....

314 replies

sandyballs · 28/01/2014 12:37

..... or believe it's pot luck. I'm sick of hearing about a friend's 'genius' child and how it is all down to her parenting.

I know we can help by encouraging reading, blah blah, not constant screens etc, but it is pot luck isn't it really. If it's not how do you explain very different siblings, some who struggle, some who thrive academically yet have been brought up in the same way. This kid is an only btw.

I know it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but she winds me up and I'm curious as to what MN think.

OP posts:
horsetowater · 31/01/2014 15:18

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17323837

clicky link

LauraBridges · 31/01/2014 15:26

So that link suggests what most of us have thought for decades - that about 50/50 is not that far off the mark. Choose the genes of the father well and both parents ensure a great environment for learning too and children can do really well.

horsetowater · 31/01/2014 15:30

No it doesn't. Read it carefully.

Chacha23 · 31/01/2014 15:40

Choose the genes of the father well

Ah, if only we all carried gene cards! ;-)

(I'm having Gattaca flashbacks...)

LauraBridges · 31/01/2014 15:50

You can have filters - only date Oxbridge men for example rather than the local dust bin men, as that means they are all likely to be bright. Or marry the boy you met at university rather than the man behind the fish counter at Tesco.

morethanpotatoprints · 31/01/2014 16:33

LauraBridges Grin

I'd rather marry for love, tbh.
Our dc have some of both of our good and bad points, that'll do for me.

exexpat · 31/01/2014 17:52

Everyone in my family finds academic work easy (Oxbridge grads going back generations on all sides of family) but is hopeless at sport. My DCs are also doing extremely well at school, except at sports. I suspect that a large part of that is genetic, but I am sure being brought up in a house full of books and (moderately) intellectual conversation, but a distinct lack of football etc, will also have had an effect. I wouldn't say I could take any 'credit' for that, though - it's just how we are.

It would be fascinating to know what would have happened if they had been switched at birth and brought up by a sport-loving but non-book-reading family - but luckily no one is allowed to carry out that kind of experiment.

merrymouse · 31/01/2014 18:19

Isn't the high proportion of private school pupils at Oxbridge an argument for nurture over nature?

I can't help thinking of current cabinet members when pondering this question...

exexpat · 31/01/2014 18:27

Merrymouse - unfortunately academic ability isn't always correlated with compassion, common sense, modesty etc etc, as the current cabinet demonstrates. They would probably do OK on IQ tests, but not on common-humanity tests.

LauraBridges · 31/01/2014 19:01

Yes, but you can ensure you fall in love with someone as bright as you are rather than seek out those with an IQ of 80 and most of us tend not to fall in love or be attracted to people who are at a different end of the IQ scale as the conversation is too different and getting on is much harder.
Plenty of very bright people earn a lot, look good and rather nice.

horsetowater · 31/01/2014 19:07

Sorry I thought you were joking Laurabridges. You're serious?

LauraBridges · 31/01/2014 19:11

I follow the norm. Loads and loads of mumsnetters fall in love with someone they met at university and marry them. It's pretty normal. Really really is. Two doctors marry etc etc. I am not stating anything strange. You want someone who interests you and can keep up with you and you can talk to for the rest of your life. I put speed of brain and talking speed above looks in terms of which men are attractive to me. Most sex starts in the brain.

Each to their own of course. Some women might be happy with a man with a very low IQ who says very little but has a fit body.

merrymouse · 31/01/2014 19:28

I think I'd make three points about that.

  1. I went to the kind of private girls' school where not going to a Russell Group university would be regarded as a failure. I have not spent the following 20 years being struck by the relative stupidity of the general population.
  2. I think most people do not have an IQ at an extreme ends of the spectrum - we probably clump around the middle, therefore the risk of only meeting people with a non compatible IQs is quite low.
  3. Having a high IQ score does not necessarily correlate with being a great conversationalist.
merrymouse · 31/01/2014 19:29

[extreme end of the spectrum]

wordfactory · 31/01/2014 19:36

My lovely Nan always used to say it was as easy to fall in love with a rich man than a poor man Grin.

harriet247 · 31/01/2014 19:39

My dd is a bright one and has been from the get go, the only thing I credit to myself is her reading, I read to her from 6 weeks a few times a day.
Regards to genetics im from a really intellectual family and they can bore me to tears, im much happier discussing heat magazine and doing my pretty low rent job than I ever was when I was academic.
Part of me hopes, selfishly, that dd will be a bit common like me, so that I dont feel out of my depth around her :D

ironmansmum · 31/01/2014 19:56

Think we can take a little credit for their 'emotional' intelligence (having an understanding of other's feelings,

consideration, sharing, being kind, showing affection, controlling temper etc). Maybe also vocabulary and reading ...

Not sure about other 'strengths'. Maybe some are genetic.

funnyperson · 31/01/2014 21:10

Neglect, deprivation, abuse, poor physical health and poor mental health all affect a child's growth and development.
So it seems to me that the converse must also be true: that giving a child fresh air, clean water, good food, warmth, love and encouragement must improve their development.
There are quick learners and slow learners even so. However, swamping quick learners with 'education' can be as counterproductive as depriving them of opportunities for learning. There needs to be space for imagination and creativity. I used to think it important that quick learners had compassion and kindness for slow learners and helped them. I now also think it important that quick learners learn early on to be aware of and how to cope with the jealousy and envy and resentment and anger of slow learners and not dumb down just so as not to seem too different and not assume that slow learners are harmless.

mumoseven · 31/01/2014 21:11

Yes I take all the credit for the brightness.Any flaws however are NOT MY FAULT.

WinterBranches · 31/01/2014 21:29

Regarding the advice for graduates to have children together, there is a theory that that type of assortative mating might be a factor in some autism.

fatmumjane · 31/01/2014 23:26

As I said before, my oldest ds has an iq of 162, he's in top 1% in Mensa. I jokingly take the credit but... I had a traumatic pregnancy, sick all the way through and ended up in hospital on a drip. He was bottle fed right from the start, a nightmare baby who I was delighted to leave with a childminder whilst I cleared off to work and couldn't read or write before he started school. In fact he didn't sleep through the night until he started school. He was obsessed with computer games as a child and pretty anti social. Never bothered trying at school but walked everything anyway. Got offered 1st placement in local grammar school as had the highest 11 plus score in the area. He coasted through senior school with minimal effort BUT now is a lovely friendly 19 year old at uni with lots of friends, his mates all come to ours in the holidays for meet ups and he's doing well with his course. Long story I know but he was a nightmare baby, I didn't spend hours reading to him etc as quite honestly I was too shattered. He did learn to read very quickly and preferred to read alone but nurture? I like to think he knew he was well loved but I can't take any honest credit for increasing by nurture his intelligence, it's just there - a part of him. My brother is in Mensa too so is it genes? Maybe. I do know that we laugh about how he was such an awful baby I waited 7 years to have another though!

Freckletoes · 01/02/2014 02:26

My DD fabulous intelligence is all down to me-it's genetic. My DCs' total inability to grasp team sports is completely down to their father-it's genetic! As is their failure to see mess, their ability to turn peace into chaos, their inability to tidy up.....Grin

Freckletoes · 01/02/2014 02:32

some women might be happy with a man with a very low IQ who says very little but has a fit body

Hmmm, tried this, couldn't make it work! Got to the point where everything he said made me cringe-constantly misquoting people, getting proverbs wrong, using words in the wrong situation. Bless him he was a grafter and a lovely guy but there really wasn't enough above his pecs and biceps to keep me amused! Grin

BoffinMum · 01/02/2014 08:26

Mumoseven, I am with you!

LauraBridges · 01/02/2014 09:29

Most people are with us on this which is why it was strange some suggested I was weird to think that it matters if your spouse is similarly bright to you. i suppose some silly men who are bright and successful only want a pneumatic younger blonde who never talks as she's a bit thick and her purpose is sex and house cleaning (and may be some women want a silent thick 20 years younger hunk for sex as a husband who knows his places and doesn't talk much).

As 50% of men and 60% of women now graduate I doubt it is risky and increases autism if you happen to marry a graduate! Indeed many dating sites have whether someone has a degree as a search term as well as height and looks so you can see how important it is to many people of both sexes.