To have never worried for a second about the possibility of my children being abducted...

[curlew]

......and to have never, as far as I can remember, made any decisions based on the possibility or factored it in to any plans I have made or actions I have taken?

Is this unusual? Do most people worry about this?

Yes ive spoken to them about it, in the same way as I speak to them about internet safety, what to do if theres a fire, road safety etc. Talking about it doesnt haave to cause any constraints on them.

I agree with Corry. Our society certainly has something to say about our attitude to risk it rather our aversion to risk.

For myself, I can say that I don't think about abduction. Even when my 3yo disappeared in the middle of a large museum, I wasn't worried about that. I was worried he would try and go back to the car to find me! (I was right, when I finally found him he was trying to go to the entrance to find me...).

There's incidents in the news often. A boy held at knife point by two men from a shopping centre and taken into toilets and raped. Horrific things. I can't hide my head in the sand about that. Another one that affected me a 12 year old helping someone look for their dog for some money and taken in to a field and raped. My DS was the same age. These are the ones that are in the news. There's others that don't get reported. It's not a big fear but why take that risk with the most precious things in your life to not have a little chat about strategies? Bad things do happen. They shouldn't take over your life but to not consider the risks at all is strange to me.

It doesn't necessarily make your child averse to risk though. I'm not going to say what my DS gets up to but he travels the country and London alone and has done from before his teens and plans to go travelling the world at 18. But I've prepared him so I'm not unduly worried. I suppose nerves of the parent can rub off on the child but it's not a given. You keep a check on it, that's common sense. You don't not give advice though in the fear of that, what's the point of that?

I am not so worried about my children getting taken away as in abducted and removed, I know this is unlikely, but I am worried about them having unpleasant and possibly dangerous encounters with strangers or people they know but don't feel they can say no to- so older boys who try something on, say sexual things, flashers, groped on public transport, threatened with rape, raped and so on. Most of these things have happened to me although as a late teen/early twenties, not as a young child.

Having girls I do feel I have to prepare them for that, or at least, teach them early on to have strong bodily integrity (no-one touches your private parts of your body), be a little wary about people's intentions (if someone round the corner offers you sweets and says do you want to come in my house, you don't go) and to always ask for advice/seek help/say no if something seems wrong (ask me if they can do stuff).

I don't go on about abduction to them, but learning to interact with the public is important- as much about how to seek help as to avoid dodgy people.

Last winter, a man tried to abduct my then 16yo DD - she was walking along a quiet tree lined road after dark and he tried to make her get in the car. My DD is the coolest teen you could ever meet, unphased by anything, and yet I have never heard such panic in her voice as when she was on the mobile to me half way through the incident (in her panic she phoned me instead of 999). I kept her talking whilst I dialled 999 on the house phone. She was incoherent so if he had snatched her, I would not have had much to go on. The police told me to put the phone down so they could talk to her on her mobile. They were brilliant. There was a car there within minutes (although the man had driven off). The same man fitted an e-fit of a man who has tried to abduct younger school children nearby....my DD looks young for her age actually.

Info to give teens if in that situation: talk loudly into your mobile reciting the registration plate even if you have no credit and can't really phone anyone. Go to a lit area as fast as possible if you can and wait inside a shop (we live in London). Make lots of noise! Don't be abducted through self consciousness/ politeness.

In answer to OP, no I don't really worry about abduction but I do think it happens sometimes short term for teenaged girls and sometimes they are too ashamed to tell. I am glad you don't worry about it and do sort of agree if your point is that you can;'t spend life worrying as there are dangers all around and we just have to accept that. Mind you, I now pick up my DD from school when I can even though she could perfectly well get the bus and walk. Once they catch that particular man, I may stop.

I was flashed at and chased 3 0r 4 times growing up, hence my dd got sheltered more by me

Curlew I kind of agree about focusing on family and friends, however, there are not very nice strangers out there who whilst they might not abduct your child, might also frighten or traumatise or make them feel unsafe, this has certainly happened to me a few times. There's no point in 'stranger danger' per se, as some strangers are good for helping you, and some well-known adults might be dangerous, but equally, that's only in relation to sexual abuse as the opportunities are there, there are plenty of unpleasant experiences that strangers could do which aren't necessarily the same- as I say, girls/women being flashed at/verbally abused/groped being the obvious one which has happened to most women/girls I know- and if my dd is to travel on public transport for secondary school, she is going to have to know what to do in these situations (girls need to be actively taught not to be polite and compliant in these situations for fear of making a fuss/being wrong- get up and move, go and tell the guard, say loudly 'what are you doing')

I was just going to say the same Thetallestower. I'd worry about that too. I was thinking of it today as Katie Piper was on the TV this morning. Her boyfriend pretty much abducted her and kept her in a hotel room while he raped her. How you prepare for that I don't know apart from talking, giving examples, mentioning things on the news as warnings. As a parent I think it's important to take these actions.

Prof how stressful, thanks for sharing your story, it makes my blood run cold though- I agree with your advice about telling girls to be loud, speak into their mobiles, get away and so on. I think it's quite head in the sand not to recognize the huge amount of everyday sexual harassment and worse that many women experience, and it doesn't just start when we are fully-grown women.

Also, as a child in London, I too was flashed many times. It didn't bother me as I was so innocent I did not know about sex and the possible implications, and was very shocked when in school assembly the HM announced that there had been a flasher nearby and we were to be careful. She made it sound really serious but this flasher had been a regular in the Hammersmith underpass for years and I had just thought how daft he was. Sending teenaged girls down West London residential streets in our games kit of a white aertex shirt and blue nylon knickers (no skirts for athletics), looking back, seems to have been inviting trouble.

Curlew I agree that the greatest danger is from family or family friends BUT, sadly, there is little you can do to avoid them. You can teach children to avoid stranger danger quite effectively.

When I was 7 we were in Battersea Park, and a friend fell off the adventure play equipment and had to be taken in to first aid. His mum told the other sibling (8) and his best mate and me to stay outside the door with her baby in his buggy while she was gone. They wandered off within five minutes, but as I didn't want to play with them and was a prissy little girl I stayed with the baby as instructed. A few minutes after that, a guy on a bike rode up, tipped the buggy up with one hand, and started cycling off. I ran in to the first aid bit screaming "X'S BEEN KIDNAPPED!" and his mum raced out and started running after the man on the bike. Who tried speeding up, but apparently couldn't outrun her on rough grassy terrain while pulling the buggy one handed, so let go and rode away. The baby was fine (though the poor woman had to take the other child to A&E with all of us in tow as she couldn't locate our parents in those pre-mobile days... she told me a year or so ago that that day remained the worst of her life!)

I know it's rare, but it does happen. None of us know what he meant to do with that baby but it can't have been anything good, can it? Part of me feels ridiculous being cautious with my own kids, because statistically this sort of thing is vanishingly rare and by far the largest risk to your children is sexual abuse by someone they know and you trust, but still. It's not exactly ignorable, if you've ever even tangentially been affected. I can still remember how it felt when that man tilted the handle and rode off, because I felt awful I was too small to stop him. I don't want to ever fear that with my own child.

I think you're being completely reasonable. It's so unlikely to happen, you're right. But I can't join you in your reasonableness, because I am too frightened of being the statistical anomaly.

Gosh perfectstorm well done you!

This wasn't about 1988/9 was it?

I have always been aware of dangers for my DSes, both stranger danger and physical i.e. drowning, accident etc. Aways erred on the side of caution rather than risk.

I would be devastated enough if something happened to them, but if it was because I had taken a risk with them then I would never be able to forgive myself.

ProfPlum you can talk to your children about what is and isn't appropriate though with friends and family- I sound like I am obsessed by it but have only had about two or three conversations recently with my girls, but I just think it is so important for them to know that no-one touches them or makes them feel uncomfortable or asks them to keep a secret- and that includes friends family and people we know as well as strangers. Perhaps I am over-reacting but I am amazed how many people have had unwanted sexual contact all the way up to terrible abuse and I think girls who are taught to be passive and children in general who are taught adults are in charge are obviously going to be vulnerable. It's also all over the news at the moment so it's not odd to discuss it.

Elderberri I have had similar, I used to be harassed a lot, sometimes aggressively and have had to run away from a group making threats before now.

To the person who said- no-one i know has ever been abducted, lucky you- but out of all of your friends and parents friends- ask if any of the women have been sexually harassed, flashed at, groped, had verbal abuse, made to feel awful on the street by a stranger. I will be extremely surprised if the answer is no, not ever in their entire lives- because statistically this is extremely common.

I've never worried about abduction/stranger danger. I haven't even had the conversation with DD, although I know they have covered it at school.

She still has lots of freedom, far more than her friends really and I allow her to go 'off' with her friends for an hour or so without worrying where she is.

I've never worried about it. I suppose we've always lived in safer areas where I knew the people around us. Maybe things will change when we move in the summer. That will be quite sad.

Incidentally, I haven't given my 5 year old the Stranger Danger talk because he's still at an age where he is supervised/accompanied. I have, though, given him the "your private bits are your own and nobody touches them except at the doctors if you are poorly and they are making you better, which is why you need to wash them yourself" alongside the "never make anyone do anything with their bodies they don't want, and never let them do that to you" (context was his trying to yank a little girl friend off to play when she didn't want to - never too early to teach kids to respect bodily autonomy, IMO). I agree you shouldn't wrap them in cotton wool, whatever your own anxieties. But I can't stop having those anxieties. I just have to manage them.

ProfPlum no, it was in 1981, I think? I was born in 1974, and the friend went overseas for a year when I was 8, so must have been the summer before - we moved to Wandsworth while they were gone, and at the time we definitely still lived in Clapham.

My first thought LtEveDallas when you said we've always lived in safer areas where I knew the people around us was April Jones. I'm sure her parents could have said the same thing the day before she was abducted. You just don't know what everyone is like. Most people are lovely but the nutters present themselves like that too.

I don't worry about it though. I view taking preventive action by talking to my children about strangers, friends, their intentions, their bodies as something that is relevant throughout their lives. It's not a worry, more a life lesson thing- I can think of quite a few things I wish I could have told my parents over the years, I just hope mine can speak up if anything happens (from bullying to dodgy men approaching them).

LtEve- I probably take the opposite view, it's because we live in a friendly neighbourhood, kids playing out, lots more freedom for the children that I think it's important for them to think about what's ok and what's not- so they do have to tell me where they are, mustn't go in people's houses without asking etc. One reason I relax is because on the occasions a stranger has asked for directions or given them sweets- they tell me and ask me or make good decisions, this gives me faith they are quite sensible and able to handle themselves.

Sorry Tabliope, I should have quantified. The people I live around are all soldiers and their families so I know them all personally and professionally, have deployed with them and see them daily. Maybe it gives me a skewed sense of safety, I accept that, but where I am (and have been previously) kids of all ages are playing out, in and out of each other's houses etc.

Of course there could be a bad one in the 'pot' but it seems unlikely and the way everyone knows each other's business around here, I would doubt it.

But like I said I accept that I could be wrong. Let's hope I'm not

specifically being abducted - very rare

being sexually assaulted - it's one in four women isn't it? so not rare. and 1 in 20 children.

i guess worrying about it doesn't stop it happening so yanbu but i find those stats worrying and i am a worrier at heart.

the situations you mentioned about camping and public toilets are things i have already thought about.

tbh as well, as a child of the 70's and 80's, all the scandals on the tv now perfectly reflect my experience of those times. i am not surprised a lot of us are paranoid

I get you LtEveDallas. I'd be comfortable with that too. Didn't mean to pry.

"Op your whole post was about being abducted by strangers, then you bang on about family and friends.

Stay in the context of your post. Of course we are all aware of the family and friends thin."

OK. Then I think the risk of a child in the UK being abducted by strangers is so minute as to not really count as a risk at all.