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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed my friend is not coming to my birthday because it's too expensive?

61 replies

Kubrickian · 27/01/2014 17:40

So I'm doing an activity for my birthday and I sent an email to all my friends and said exactly what it was and would they be interested. One declined (fair enough) everyone else said sounds great and then one asked how much it would be. Another friend had done this previously and she knew was the price was £25 so I said it will be roughly that which was agreed upon as fine.

I come to book it and it's actually £27. I asked everyone if that was ok and now friend has said - no that's too expensive. Now I know that for some people £2 is actually worth a lot and every single penny counts. I can completely appreciate that but my friend is not in that situation. She has a full-time job, lives with her parents and pays around £80 a month for board.

I'm not falling out with her, just wanted to vent.

(I also paid around that same price for her birthday if thats relevant?)

OP posts:
FixItUpChappie · 27/01/2014 19:44

Is she usually a prude about money? I have a friend who is like this - has money but is a total tight-wad if asked to spend any of it on anyone but herself.

annielouisa · 27/01/2014 19:50

Will you be having a meal and drinks after the activity? That does bump up the costs a lot.

phantomnamechanger · 27/01/2014 19:55

I think things have gone mad and this sort of thing could end up like the bizarre stag do/hen do/wedding threads you see on here all the time. friends should not have to feel obliged to shell out anything for celebrating someone elses birthday - very few of my adult friends get a gift - 2 in fact - a few others get cards in the post, others get a happy birthday when I see them! Also I do not know the intricacies of anyone elses finances. I might know where they work and their DH works but I do not know what their monthly budget is or any loan repayments etc etc. It is not my place to expect them to consider me in their budgeting. If you want your friend there then offer to pay for her to go. Don't just whinge behind her back, because that doesn't make you sound like a very good friend anyway.

needaholidaynow · 27/01/2014 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScentedScandal · 27/01/2014 20:03

She clearly doesn't want to go. I'd take the hint. Maybe the cost of being expected to cough up every time someone in the group has a birthday is starting to wear thin.

PortofinoRevisited · 27/01/2014 20:05

Is it a big birthday, like a 40th or something? I don't really get adults doing "activities" rather than going for a meal or something. I wouldn't want to pay £25 for that.

Juno77 · 27/01/2014 23:04

Can everyone stop judging other peoples birthday plans?!

Bloody hell. You can't do anything on here anymore.

The OP wants to do something with her friends for her birthday. This is normal in her social group. She doesn't need or want opinions or comments on this fact.

She wants to know why her friend bowed out for £2.

OP - fwiw I reckon there is another reason, I doubt it's the £2 increase.

PortofinoRevisited · 27/01/2014 23:07

But maybe it is because friend doesn't WANT to do the activity? Is that not a valid point? She might be happy with a curry and some Pinot Grigio, but doesn't fancy Go Ape, Ballroom Dancing, or whatever...

DoJo · 27/01/2014 23:18

friends should not have to feel obliged to shell out anything for celebrating someone elses birthday

I don't see any obligation - just because it's not what you would do doesn't mean that nobody should be allowed to choose to celebrate their birthday in a different way.

Juno77 · 27/01/2014 23:23

Maybe Porto but then she should just tell the truth and not blame money.

PortofinoRevisited · 27/01/2014 23:28

Why should she? Op has invited a group of friends, friend has said sorry - too expensive now. Why should she have to be grilled about her reasons, whatever they may be?

PortofinoRevisited · 27/01/2014 23:30

Maybe she was up or it before but just a huge bill or something,

JimmyChooChoo · 27/01/2014 23:33

Personally I think she may have begrudged paying £25 in the beginning now finding out its £27 it's like she's given up or she's probably wondering whatever else the night will cost. Are you eating out and drinking afterwards - this is another factor. She may only pay '£80 board' but she may have other expenses or debts you don't know about plus it is January after all.
OP just talk to her. Tell her she's not expected or obliged to go and you can catch up soon

BillyBanter · 27/01/2014 23:51

Maybe £25 was a stretch and she hesitantly said yes and, psychologically more than financially, the extra seemed too much of a stretch. It may be that she is saving money and gives herself a budget and sticks to it. Or it may be that she's got more than the lodging going on, financially.

Original poster
Kubrickian · 28/01/2014 01:01

Sorry been out this evening so will answer questions now -

Ooh, my dd wants to do Go Ape with a couple of friends for her birthday, is it worth it?

If you're scared of heights (one of them had a panic attack at the first part and didn't want to continue) I wouldn't recommend it and I think it's probably better in warmer weather too, but overall yes everyone had fun and I wouldn't say all my friends are the same. It's also not gender specific which is always a bonus.

Is it just £27 though ? Or is it also food & travel on top of that ?

Just standard bus fare, or I was thinking of paying for a taxi, and the £27 includes food too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kubrickian · 28/01/2014 01:12

I made it very clear to them all that this was the plan and if you don't want to do it then you don't have to. Like I said one friend already declined when this email was originally sent out.

I made sure I gave them enough notice and my birthday is at the start of the month so very close to pay day. And no I'm not expecting them to budget me in, I'm just making the point that it was not short-notice with a demand of money at the end of a long month.

friends should not have to feel obliged to shell out anything for celebrating someone elses birthday

I've already clearly explained that this is normal in our friendship group. We always do something for someone birthday. I can promise you it's not just me that celebrates my birthday whilst everyone else stays at home for theirs holding a cupcake with a single candle in it, wearing a party hat - alone in the dark

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 28/01/2014 01:15

It's easy to spend that and more on any night out.

Maybe she had another reason. You said out was ok for the other friend to say no...

Unless you think she's falling out with you or some more back story then she's not going and just let it go.

Monty27 · 28/01/2014 01:16

Your df is probably skint. Accept it. YABVU.

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 28/01/2014 01:38

£27, new outfit, a gift...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/01/2014 07:25

Money worries or suddenly self conscious about her appearance or has fallen out with another in the group?

ZillionChocolate · 28/01/2014 07:50

It sounds like an excuse. How have you reacted to her?

MrsKCastle · 28/01/2014 08:05

Lol at all the judgement of the OP's plan. OP has clearly stated that 'activities' are normal for their friendship group, that the friend has, in fact, planned 'activities' for her own birthday, and had every opportunity to decline politely when it was first mentioned!

OP, it's possible that something has changed in the friend's finances since it was first mentioned, so what seemed fine at first is now a stretch- and the extra £2 gives her an excuse to get out of it.

If it's a good friend, I would talk to her and check that everything's ok. She might tell you if there's another reason.

AndWhenYouGetThere · 28/01/2014 08:58

I think what has changed isn't the £2 but the end of a long month. Perhaps you could suggest that she pays you in Feb.

deardarlingpleaaeexcusemywriti · 28/01/2014 13:59

"We always do something for someone birthday. I can promise you it's not just me that celebrates my birthday whilst everyone else stays at home for theirs holding a cupcake with a single candle in it, wearing a party hat - alone in the dark"

Would anyone else far rather hold a cupcake in the dark than go to Go Ape? Grin

Elderberri · 28/01/2014 14:20

Adults doing birthday activities....it bill be party bags next. What wrong with a meal and a drink.

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