To want to offer up to all the fat shamers...

[WichitaLineman]

... On mumsnet who peddle the old "fat people are lazy and lack will -power" or proffer their simplistic formula of "eat less, move more" an incredibly succinct description of food addiction by Marcus Brigstocke. I will admit that that sentence isn't quite so succinct

"Eating is different [from drug addiction]; it's dirty, it's horrible - you do it on your own and you wear it. [With] alcohol and drugs, you have moments of sobriety, [but] you don't stop being fat. You wear it; everyone can see it - it is a brand… an overcoat of shame for everyone to see.

"You despise yourself, you make promises to yourself, you say 'I had a bad day, that was bad but that means this is baseline and I can start', then you go and break those promises and do it again, and worse.

"Eating disorders are more pervasive and subtle [than alcohol and drugs] and availability and acceptability are much higher... the ”high“ comes from the totally full-up feeling ”It is an anaesthetic. You lie like a python digesting what you have, it slows your brain down and you are physically inert. Numb and dull, that is the feeling you get."

Whilst I am not saying that every obese person is a compulsive overeater, I wold wager that most are, including myself. This has resonated with me and is the best description I have read of the self-loathing involved in compulsive overeating. It is a faulty mechanism to deal with emotional pain and the fat shamers can't cause any more shame than we already feel for ourselves.

Whilst there are many people on mn who are understanding, I am always appalled by those who aren't. Please think on this when those threads come up. Thank you.

Omg. Read the thread please!

Is that to me?

I have read the thread!!!!!!

Have you noticed how many many references I have made to all the help I have sought?

And also the last one where I stated the reasons why many people feel unable to seek help?

Apologies if it's mentioned somewhere in the 12 pages whether or not you've had psychotherapy. I don't go round suggesting psychotherapy as some sort of condescending insult. I've had psychotherapy myself and I found it so, so, so beneficial. I only wish I'd had it at 29 not 39. If I'd had it ten years earlier I wouldn't have spent 7 years in an abusive relationship. I felt a failure for a long time, and by a lot of measures I was a 'failure'. No degree, no qualifications, single parent, no partner of any description since......... psychotherapy has helped me not to compare myself, it has restored my self-esteem, it has made me value the 'success' of being a content person.

So if you think it's an insult to ask you if you've had psychotherapy, as though that were simplistic or a sneer, then you're wrong about me !?

I was very angry coming out of psychotherapy some days.

Ok, sorry basil. I have mentioned it about 8 times.

I just don't like the implication that some fat people are wallowing in misery and self pity. I have tried to explain why it is often very hard to seek help and you seem to be dismissing this.

There's a lot of pressure for obese people to appear happy with their weight, besides saving embarrassment. I remember a lot of stuff in the media when I was growing up around the question "can you REALLY be fat AND happy? " there was such incredulity at the idea that anyone could possibly be genuinely happy being big. And if you admit that you aren't happy, then you get the "well DUH, do something about it then..." from people who just don't get it.

As for the fat shamers, well, they don't want us to get slimmer. People who shout abuse in the street want - no, NEED - people - whether obese, disabled or in some other way 'different' - for some reason it makes them feel better about themselves I guess

I'm not dismissing it, and I don't think it is wallowing or self-pity that prevents people seeking help. The help I finally sought was at least a decade overdue so I don't think it's easy for anybody to seek help and I can well understand that an obese person would fear that the therapist might judge them, but they wouldn't if they were a professional. The one I saw was excellent and so if I'm guilty of anything it's that I am perhaps a bit evangelical about psychotherapy. I know it's not easy, first I had a counsellor and she judged me. She said "get a job" to me, when I was basically suffering from PTSD. She made me feel worse. So I know it's not easy to just roll up at a psychotherapist's office and be fixed as if by magic.

I know I do have empathy!

I am happy and big. I genuinely like my body and think I am attractive.
I don't think my weight is anyone else's business.

It's definitely a complicated thing.

Some people actually get addicted to the therapy but still don't end up managing their original addiction.

It's like the therapy becomes the thing that's distracting them from actually making a change.

I saw a psychotherapist, councillor, had one session CBT and even a hypno therapist. The problem was that I wanted a solution and it took me a while to realise that there wasn't one. You don't have to seek help to start dealing with your problems. You do have to acknowledge them and ultimately the desire to change needs to overcome whatever it is that causes you to use food.

Personally I ate when I was happy, I ate when I was sad, I ate pretty much whenever I had any emotion. Food was my crutch. I was miserable and I hated myself. I did however have that Eureka moment where I suddenly had clarity and realised I didn't have to be like that. That food didn't have to consume my every waking thought. It was also very scary. I had so long being entrenched in this viscous circle that my bulimia was a part of my identity.It was my fall back mechanism and I was scared of what might be left when it had gone. I had to totally change my behaviour and attitude towards food.

The first thing I did was set myself a realistic goal. I went from bingeing on average four times per day to only once. If I had a bad day I didn't beat myself up over it. I picked back up where I had left of.

I started to recognise my emotional triggers and when I felt the need to binge I distracted myself and would run up and downstairs or drink water.

I went on a detox and cut all processed food and sugar out of my diet to reeducate my taste buds. I also chewed every mouthful 26 times (arbitrary figure) to enable my body to learn when I was full.

There were lots of other things and it took a long time but my desire to change and to feel better about myself were what got me through.

I am offering up my experience just so that those who are right in the middle of what can seem like a hopeless situation can see that for me there was a way out. There is a way out for everyone. It might not always seem obvious but somewhere under all the self loathing and hate it is there.

I've veered up and down between anorexia and binge-eating my whole life. Food literally works like a drug for me (and I've tried those too, including nicotine). Food is the only one I haven't been able to shake, because like others have pointed out... you can't go cold turkey, or at least, not for long.

I was starved as a child, along with my siblings, and made to eat food that had gone off, including curdled milk, mouldy food, and cereal with insects in.
On occasion we'd be offered 'nice' food, but we'd have to follow orders, deliberately humiliating or hurting ourselves and each other for our father's amusement, and sometimes we still wouldn't get it.

Rarely, our apathetic and depressed mother would have a burst of guilt, and would bring us home chocolate buttons or something, and bath us, and wash some clean clothes for us, and maybe even give us a hug.

So food to me really does equal love. I associate feeling full with feeling momentarily safe, nurtured, and protected, which was something so rare and fleeting growing up that it became pricelessly precious.

Whereas hunger feels like being a lonely, frightened child again, desperately gnawing inside. I can go into that mindset for extended periods (as I did with anorexia), by becoming my father's voice and hating myself so much that it is an ongoing act of self-harm.

But try as I might, I cannot find a middle way. It is as if two powerful demons wrestle in my head, and they will never, ever compromise.

Wow losing. I had some shit in my childhood but that sounds horrific. I worked through my issues because I had the tools to do so. Probably an obvious question but have you sought professional help?

Sorry for your troubles too jenniferalison, and yes, have explored many avenues of help including counselling/medication and less healthy options as well.

I do think therapy has helped me understand a lot of the 'whys', but I've never been able to crack the swinging between two extremes. Have lost and gained over 100 lbs (from underweight to very obese) so many times I'm amazed my gallbladder is still hanging around.

She's a nurse doing a job, not an advert. Most the nurses I know smoke...

And nothing of what you have read, everlong, makes you think that maybe she deserves compassion? That she may be battling awful demons and be so full of self loathing that no amount of censure from you and your son could make her feel worse?

Should she be sacked? Given a written warning?

I honestly despair

Please re-read some of the brave posts before you start objectifying people so cruelly - and yes, referring to her as an advert is objectifying her. I bet that she is a compulsive overeater, and that her experiences give her a huge amount of compassion and makes her very good at being a nurse.

And mrs de vere I am sorry. I can't imagine how hard it has been for my parents to watch me self-destruct.

Agree a lot of health care professionals are overweight and its not a good image BUT everlong have you ever done shift work yourself? It really messes with your system. Health care professionals like nurses are paid very poorly when you consider how physically and mentally demanding their job is, especially if they have to do night shifts. I think doing shifts makes you more vulnerable to emotional eating. Please don't slate the overweight health professionals unless you know personally what their job truly entails!

You think the nhs shouldn't hire people based on their weight?