Am I or is DH? Keeping our ELCS date a secret.

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm having an ELCS in a few months and me and DH know the date it is booked for. I have always said from the start that I'd like to keep the date a secret so that it is something just he and I share and that in the days leading up to it we aren't going to get stress/questions/attention from family members and friends about it. I'm nervous enough about the procedure without having other people turning it into a big deal and projecting their issues and thoughts on tome.

I said to my DH I want it to be that the first anyone knows about baby being born is when we ring them afterwards to tell them - I just want the experience of 'breaking the news', that enjoyment of telling people he's been born and hearing their reactions and feeling like there is some magic to it all. I don't want it to be that everyone knows he's coming on a particular date and so are pretty nonchalant about it when we make the call. I want his arrival to have some sense of excitement and unpredictability. DH was fine about it and when people have asked us when the CS is booked for we have given them a fake date

However, it came up in conversation yesterday again and it seems my DH misunderstood me and is under the impression that although we are giving out this fake date, on the actual morning of the CS we will ring his parents and tell them we are on our way to hospital to have it done. He told me his parents will be really, really upset if the birth is something we keep from them as it's nothing they have been part of before. He said his parents will want to be there with us. I explained that with an ELCS we will be on a ward, followed by theatre and followed by recovery - all areas where his parents can't be anyway!! I also explained that visiting hours aren't till 6pm at night so they couldn't see the baby until then anyway so why do they need to know first thing in the morning? Why can't we just tell them afterwards and excitedly break our news? He said they would probably want to book the day off work and just be at the hospital all day just to 'be there' when it's happening. WTH? Would anyone really do this?? Sit in a hospital canteen for 11 hours minimum with no guarantee they could even see the baby?? (I.e if I go to theatre late and don't come back from recovery until visiting hours have passed anyway).

Anyway, the conversation got a bit heated - but he is adamant they will be so, so upset if we 'keep it from them' I think he used the term 'lie to the ' until after the baby is born. I just think he's over reacting and turning this into some kind of drama that it doesn't have to be. It's not like I'm giving birth to Jesus Christ and it's going to be an amazing moment in history that can't be missed....

Me and DH are fine, we haven't fell out over it or anything but the issue has been left unresolved. He wants to tell his parents and I don't. I think he's going way OTT and he probably thinks I'm being unfair.

Meep,

What are you saying wow to?

OP, have you had a thread about a wedding? Are you the poster who has a couple of serious health conditions and is at risk of post-natal seizures?

If so your DH should be moving heaven and earth to prioritise you and make sure you are not stressed out now and around the time of the birth. Including keeping his parents away by any means necessary.

Talk of 'rights' in this context is so dispiriting.

If my parents or PIL had needed instant gratification of their desire to see their grandchild irrespective of whether it was ok with me I'd have been so disappointed in them. Fortunately they're all sensible. Despite MIL's flaws, she'd never elbow her way into a recovery room to grab her grandchild. She'd be the one barring the door tearing strips off the less sensitive folk.

I think that Meep is wowing at me being so selfish.

Well remembered fairphyllis - the good news is that the C-Section is booked for after the Wedding so at least that problem was resolved

I don't want his parents 'kept away' though - I just want him to understand that I might not want them visiting me straight away and that he needs to accept that it's a real possibility.

Did you change the date of elcs in the end so he could go to wedding? I remember that.
Writer I hope you get to relax a little. You seem to be doing much worrying in advance bless you (not meant to sound condescending).
You sound lovely and so do your pil....they will respect your wishes I'm sure.

Yes scoop - my Obstetrician was happy to change the date I think I'm worrying about things so much because I'm bored stiff of not being at work......I've got nothing else to do with my time but over analyse things

Sorry x posted....glad the wedding was one thing less for you to worry about.
I had a elcs it was a wonderful (surprisingly civilised) and calm experience, Which I feel lucky to have had. Dp and I loved all the time together just us, so special, wouldnt have changed it for the world. It's down to personal feelings though as on the wards many of the ladies had lots of visitors and seemed happy to have a constant stream.
Please try not to get to bogged down in the logistics of everybody else.

It's the two of you becoming three to enjoy first and foremost.

What no-one has picked up on yet, is the fact that the OP's in-laws, as far as they know, have a date. They don't know it's not the real one. So, have they booked the day off work and are they making plans to come and camp out at the hospital on that date? No? Then obviously they DON'T WANT TO and so, what difference would giving them the 'real' date, make?

Yanbu. I kind of had the opposite issue- in laws very relaxed but my parents wanted to know everything. I didn't want anyone other than dh to know I was in labour, in the end my parents knew (but no one else) because they kept calling the house and figured it out themselves when we weren't there for ages.

I allowed them to come and see us evening after birth but can't have imagined coping with the in laws that day....they actually came 3 or 4 days later when all settled at home (despite not living far away).
If you really don't want to fall out with your dh about it tell him he can let them know that day if they promise not to tell anyone and (more importantly) not to come to the hospital until visiting times and even then ONLY if you are up to it.

I had an ELCS and everyone knew the date. I was nervous about it, and it was quite nice having friends wishing us good luck and being excited for us when we were at a BBQ a few days before.

I think whether you want people to know your date or not is a personal thing. I think giving them a fake date, as you have done, is much better than "we're not telling what date it's booked for."

I really wouldn't want anyone at the hospital waiting whilst I had the procedure and itching to get in to see us after the birth! On that, YADNBU.

I looked and felt like death warmed up after and I didn't want anyone there other than my DH and my Mum to whom I am very close. Our hospital is quite strict about visitors after a ELCS depending what time of day you have it - they agreed to me having visitors but only because it was my Mum. DH's Mum came up the next day - it was actually more convenient for her to come the next day, as she could get a lift, which avoided any problems but DH completely supported me in only wanting to see my own Mum in the hours immediately after.

Taklie - I don't want anyone knowing the real date because I don't want people fussing around me and going on about it during the days leading up to it. Nor do I want people sitting around, just waiting to hear news and no doubt hassling us with the 'has it been done yet' texts. I can't bear the thought of it.

And like I said, I want the news of the baby's arrival to be a surprise.

YANBU

I had an ELCS and I really wish I'd kept the date a secret. My nerves were bad enough on the day but it made it worse knowing everyone was waiting around for the phone to ring.

If I have another one then I'll definitely keep the date to ourselves if its a planned CS again.

"He told me his parents will be really, really upset if the birth is something we keep from them as it's nothing they have been part of before."

I find this really odd.

Are many parents part of their GCs birth?

It really isn't up to him to try to make up for what they've missed with their other GC.

That's not why you two are having a baby!

Were his GPs there when his mum gave birth to him??!!

That was my point, OP - (I've read the whole thread). You've given them a fake date and they think it's the real date - yet they aren't rushing around making plans to come and sit in the hospital like your DP thinks they want to. So, why give them the real date? It won't suddenly magically make them want to book the day off work like your DP is insisting they'll want to do.

It strengthens your argument of not telling them when the real date is. Point out to your DP that his parents haven't made a move towards organising being off work and they HAVE a date - so why give them the real one? There's no point!

Someone, please, tell me you understand what I mean.

I understand you, talkie!

I understand now talkie - I think your post can read both ways. But now that you've explained I completely understand your angle I will use your argument when I speak to my DH later tonight

I get it Talkie

After reading this thread I am seriously considering the fake date route myself. I live in Ireland and was shocked the day of SIL EMCS that DH wanted to go and visit then when we rocked up at the hospital her parents, brothers and his wife pil and one of her pil neighbours were already there i kid you not apparently is perfectly normal over here for everyone to visit the hospital! It really freaked me out.

OP i think it sounds like a great ideal to speak to your ILs directly and reasonably. How about " DH thought you might want to come in on the day and hang around the hospital but i told him that as we've been told no visitors for the first 24hours i would hate you to waste that time and you will be first in the list to call and me and the newborn will look forward to seeing you when we are both more human the day after?" Rather than saying i don't want you to come you lunatics

I do tend to garble when I'm knackered. Staying up until 2am watching Netflix hasn't done me any favours today.

I hear you Somersetlady. My sister had my parents at the foot of the bed 30 mins after she was wheeled out of the recovery ward after a 2 day labour/then EMCS. She was barely aware of them and hadn't even fed her DC yet. I was so shocked I gave them an earful and told them that I'd have kicked them out. Funnily enough they didn't suggest visiting me for the birth of my pfb They held off for 3 weeks in the end which was still too soon imo

OP - it might be a good idea to point out that just because you have an apt won't mean the baby won't come early...

MeepMeep

Ridiculous, you should not ever exclude one set of GPs. You either have visitors or you don't. What a selfish thing to say.

So was your Mother in law invited to be your birthing partner as well?

yanbu

Haven't read the whole thread, sorry, but had ds2 3weeks ago, I didn't want everyone to know the date in case things went wrong/they had to delay (needed a free bed in nicu in case!!) and didn't want people texting/ringing on the day, we had to tell some people as needed childcare for ds1. I liked the fact it was a surprise to everyone else, I was admitted for steroids a few days before which made things more awkward as everyone guessed it was getting close, I managed to fob them off!! I have never lied so much!! Hope it all goes well, will try and read the whole thread now!

We've had this with my sister's ILs a few times, as the family believes strongly that if you love a family member you show it by being camped out at the hospital around the clock, and if you can't be by their bedside you are at the door. Preferably peering in at them. They've been really upset with us before now when sister has been hospitalised, feeling miserably ill and doesn't want visitors and we actually (horrors!) leave her alone.

She managed her ELCS by she and (very supportive) partner repeating word for word a plan she gave the ILs that as soon as she was admitted they would call, ILs would travel to the relatives they would be staying with, and would wait there for the call to say they were ready for visitors. They repeated it until they could say it in their sleep, but it worked very well. Also avoided my poor sister dealing with her lovely but hard work MiL when she didn't feel at all together and dignified. She and partner had all day with the baby after what in the end was an ECS, and by evening were happy for both sides of the family to visit together, which meant whoever wasn't actually in with them to say hello was entertaining the ILs and keeping them calm outside.

Do stick to your guns OP, YANBU.