Am I or is DH? Keeping our ELCS date a secret.

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm having an ELCS in a few months and me and DH know the date it is booked for. I have always said from the start that I'd like to keep the date a secret so that it is something just he and I share and that in the days leading up to it we aren't going to get stress/questions/attention from family members and friends about it. I'm nervous enough about the procedure without having other people turning it into a big deal and projecting their issues and thoughts on tome.

I said to my DH I want it to be that the first anyone knows about baby being born is when we ring them afterwards to tell them - I just want the experience of 'breaking the news', that enjoyment of telling people he's been born and hearing their reactions and feeling like there is some magic to it all. I don't want it to be that everyone knows he's coming on a particular date and so are pretty nonchalant about it when we make the call. I want his arrival to have some sense of excitement and unpredictability. DH was fine about it and when people have asked us when the CS is booked for we have given them a fake date

However, it came up in conversation yesterday again and it seems my DH misunderstood me and is under the impression that although we are giving out this fake date, on the actual morning of the CS we will ring his parents and tell them we are on our way to hospital to have it done. He told me his parents will be really, really upset if the birth is something we keep from them as it's nothing they have been part of before. He said his parents will want to be there with us. I explained that with an ELCS we will be on a ward, followed by theatre and followed by recovery - all areas where his parents can't be anyway!! I also explained that visiting hours aren't till 6pm at night so they couldn't see the baby until then anyway so why do they need to know first thing in the morning? Why can't we just tell them afterwards and excitedly break our news? He said they would probably want to book the day off work and just be at the hospital all day just to 'be there' when it's happening. WTH? Would anyone really do this?? Sit in a hospital canteen for 11 hours minimum with no guarantee they could even see the baby?? (I.e if I go to theatre late and don't come back from recovery until visiting hours have passed anyway).

Anyway, the conversation got a bit heated - but he is adamant they will be so, so upset if we 'keep it from them' I think he used the term 'lie to the ' until after the baby is born. I just think he's over reacting and turning this into some kind of drama that it doesn't have to be. It's not like I'm giving birth to Jesus Christ and it's going to be an amazing moment in history that can't be missed....

Me and DH are fine, we haven't fell out over it or anything but the issue has been left unresolved. He wants to tell his parents and I don't. I think he's going way OTT and he probably thinks I'm being unfair.

Your DH needs to man up and quit his bitching. Is he having major surgery?

- I'm hoping his parents will tell me they are happy for everything to be kept a secret and then my husband will have no argument

However, if they do say they'll be upset if we don't tell them when it is being done, I hope I don't go for my ELCS until really late in the day so by the time I'm back on the ward the visiting times have LONG since passed anyway

Actually - I hope that it gets done early, I recover well and feel really excited and perky and welcome visitors with open arms

Hi OP. When booking in for an ELCS I was told that any complicated deliveries or emergencies will be first in the line so it could be the afternoon before I would deliver. I would probably plan on being wheeled in at 8am which is better than fasting all day to be fair.

The subject was raised again tonight and I said to DH that we'd just tell his parents the date and then ring them once the baby is born. His response was, "Well we need to speak to them and see what they want to do."

Why do we??!! It's our birthing experience, not theirs!

I again told him that there is no point in them sitting in the hospital all day!!

I then said, "Ok then, We'll tell them we want to keep the date a secret, we'll phone them when baby is born and let them know if I'm up to having visitors." He again said we'd have to speak to them about it before making a decision.

I said, "Do you really think your parents are going to turn round and tell us that they don't care what we want and instead we should do what they want us to??!!"

He just rolled his eyes - so we are no further along really.

The plan is to visit his parents either tomorrow or Thursday so it should be interesting....

Finally found your thread :)
I so wish I had done this and kept it a secret! Your reasons are 100% justified. If I had done this my life would be so much easier right now!

Go tomorrow,I'm desperate to know what they say

Tell your dh that if he wants to consult his parents on everything parenthood then he may as well hand over the baby to his parents.

Think it will be a good thing for you to get this Il's thing clarified once and for all.
To be honest your Dp's attitude is a little ridiculous. You must be really laid back, it would drive me to distraction.
Lets hope he hears from them that they actually don't want to camp out at hospital and will just be happy with whatever you choose to do....I'm sure this will be the case.
Good luck!

Yet another thread where your husband sounds like a selfish, inconsiderate wanker who doesn't listen to you or treat you with any respect.

You are coming a cross as if you don't think any man has any right to say anything other than 'yes, dear' over the birth of their own child!

A man DOESN'T have any right to say anything other than "yes dear".

A WOMAN, you know, the PERSON (yes, a woman is actually a person, despite your clear idea that she doesn't count for anything in her own life) who is pregnant, the PERSON who is giving birth, the PERSON who is the patient in the hospital is the ONLY person who gets any say at all in the birth of her baby.

A man has NO RIGHTS here.

I know how upsetting you must find it to imagine that there could be a situation where a man might like to have rights where he in fact has none, but this is one of them.

He has NO RIGHTS. None.

He only gets to be at the birth if the woman who is giving birth agrees to allow him to be present.

I'm not sure your DH REALLY understands what a CS is going to be like... FOR YOU.

It might be good to watch a graphic vid. Might be a good idea to ask about visiting a ward. Mightn't hurt to issue a graphic reminder: "I will be numb from the waist down, peeing through a cathetar, with about X stitches hold my abdomen together, there may also be blood on my gown. I may be lethargic. My boobs may be leaking milk. I will need to be shown how to breast-feed (if applicable), the baby will need a bath. You could be utterly exhausted. NO VISITORS until I don't feel like I was run over a bus X times. No-one is going to be upset about it, and if they are, they're not being rational."

Honestly, your DH is being utterly unreasonable. Hopefully a quick chat with your PIL will have your DH seeing sense (and maybe talking to your MIL to ask for her help explaining that you're NOT being unreasonable) would be good.

I don't think the Mums parents have right over Dads parents once we are into visiting hours. My Mum was my birthing partner so maybe that's why I wasn't bothered when my In-Laws visited first the next day.

If the mum says they do then they do... Because the mum is the patient. Not the Dad. The law happens to agree with this too, there is no argument against it. That's how it is. When men have the ability to grow a child in their own body, and they are the ones to go through labour or surgery, then they will have a right to say who visits them as a patient in a hospital.

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable, And from what you've said, I don't think your ILs will be the problem - I would be wary of DH encouraging them to come before you are ready though, and them innocently turning up thinking they've been invited because you're up to it.

He needs to understand that you will have just gone through major surgery. You might not want to see anyone at all. I know i didn't after my sons birth (Traumatic for me, although not as bad as it could have been, more in relation to my elder children).

I didn't like the sight or sound or even smell (My sense of smell went a bit funny) of other people, even my own mum. Nothing she had done at all, She was more than helpful, I just felt SO strange and averse t absolutely everyone. I was quite glad when visiting finished and i had a bit of peace.

If i were you i would get the ILs on their own tbh and explain what OH has said about them coming to the hospital all day etc. See what they say and take it from there.

OP, have you considered talking to your ILs yourself about this? Phone your MIL, tell her that you have some health issues that could create problem post-birth and you're sure she'd understand that you'd prefer to have a few hours post-birth to ensure that you're ok healthwise before having visitors?

If she's any kind of reasonable, AND you get on with her, then I can't see how she could refuse that very sensible request.

And then tell your DH that your MIL has no intention of taking the whole day off blah blah blah and is happy to wait until visiting hours in the evening etc.; and once you've established that this will be the way it happens, I can't see any real problem in telling them the morning of the day you actually have your CS that it's that day. Because they won't move heaven and earth to get to the hospital until the evening anyway.

OP, did you actually say to your DH "why do we? It's our birthing experience not your parents?" And if so, what did he say?

It reads to me as though you're keeping the focus on what his parents may or may not want to do instead of tackling the actual issue - which is that your DH isn't listening to your wishes, isn't making you his priority and isn't going to be happy until he gets his own way.

Forget the red herring of his parents being at the hospital, knowing or not knowing - deal with the lack of respect your 'D'H has for you.

""Well we need to speak to them and see what they want to do.""

Just tell him no, no, no,no,no,no.

That this is YOUR decision who you see and when after the birth.

TBH, I'd leave things as they are now.

Let him tell them what he wants, just don't let them see you if you don't feel up to it.

The thing that baffles me is why my husband is so adamant they'd want to sit around all day??!

select - yes I did ask him why we needed to talk to his parents. I told him that his parents will not be able to see us until visiting hours anyway and that is not going to change so what exactly do they need to be consulted on??

His parents are very reasonable and know all about my health issues and I think they will be totally fine about potentially not visiting if I don't feel up to it - I just don't know why my DH is turning this into such a major thing??

Maybe in his eyes the birth of his son is on par with the birth of Kate and Prince William's little boy and thinks everyone else will fill the same...

At the end if the day all this 'what the PIL want' is irrelevant in my eyes, my DH can come up with as many plans as he likes but on the day, if I'm not feeling up to visitors they aren't coming in! The sooner he gets that, the better

I have considered speaking to his parents myself but I know if i did that then it would just rock the boat further - I know I wouldn't be happy if he spoke to my parents about such issues behind my back. I'm actually 95% confident his parents will be on my side anyway though so I'm not too worried

Perhaps a compromise. They can be told, but you don't wan them at the hospital until visiting hours as thy won't be able to see you until then anyway. I would hate people sitting around waiting. So unnecessary.

He only gets to be at the birth if the woman who is giving birth agrees to allow him to be present.

THis. Sucks and all but having a vagina does once in a while trump penis...

Op, have you thought about calling your PIL and being honest with them? Without dh, they sound infinitely more reasonable than your husband tbh?

Frankly, he sounds scared and like he wants hus mummy and daddy. But you know what, fuck that. You're going to have surgery. You get to be scared, you can say who you want there, you can say who finds out when.

ONLY YOU

Also, birth is a unique experience that when it goes wrong (even something minor) it can stay with you and ruin things for a long time. If dh pushes this and you have a tramautic birth etc.. or you just feel miserable about being pushed. You will resent him for a long time. Make sure he understands that

oh xpost, just tell them. He's being a twat, you can rock the boat with your own husband unless there is even more going on in the relationship.

I can quite understand why you don't want your ILs hanging around the hospital while you're giving birth - that would spook me out too.

On the other hand, I think they (and your parents) would be understandably upset when they discover they've been lied to about the date the baby is being born. Once they are grandparents, your relationship will change with them anyway (and I bet you'll be wanting them to help with childcare) so this kind of lie gets the whole thing off on the wrong footing, in my view.

I'm wondering how you haven't told him that he's being so unsupportive you'll find another birth partner.

He's thinking way too much about his parents-even if it didn't mean that he wasn't listening to you at all!

I know you said you were OK with him choosing the name & decorating the nursery-I hope none of it is that you give in for an easy life!

The issue isn't really whether or not his parents want to sit around all day-it's that he's not listening to you or considering what you want at all.

hackmum - definitely won't be needing their help with childcare - I have made it quite clear to DH that when I return to work the child will be with childminder/nursery, not its Grandparents My parents won't care about the date, they know me well enough to understand there is no malice to it and would completely understand why we wanted it kept hush. They are like me though, don't see the need for fuss and drama and happy to go with the flow. They will be just overjoyed that baby has been born healthy I imagine. In my eye, the labour and birth experience is between the parents and the baby - I don't see why other family members have to be factored into the process??

op I wouldn't be so sure PIL haven't said anything about coming up, my mil completely changed when dd was due. It was just assumed that she would be there as she was with her other dgc.

Dp couldn't understand why I wanted just him, he told me he had hold of his dn fifteen mins after he was born I don't think anyone took in to account how SIL was feeling. She looks back and feels regret that it was out of her hands. Mil even stripped dn who was half an hour old as she said it was too hot! SIL asked her not to but mil did anyway, then the midwife came in a told SIL off!

I told dp if he could abide by my plans , he wouldn't be there him self! He soon changed his attitude.

diddl - my husband would laugh if he heard someone imply I give him an 'easy life' I think when he gets go home from work I'm going to ask him why he is so desperate for them to be there...because as someone has said, it seems like his vision of them hanging around all day is what he wants, not them.

Op, Do you think your DH wants his parents there for support for him?

Genuine question.

And before anyone jumps on me asking why her dh may need support as he is not the one giving birth I shall explain.

I have had 3 planned C sections, I never 'hid' the date from anyone and in all honesty I am so pleased I didn't. On my last C section I was extremely ill, infact I nearly died. I could not support him through the trauma of me being rushed from one room to another to another having blood transfusions, scans etc. It was family members who done that! If I had hidden the date from these people they would have been working, out for the day, possibly unreachable.

I understand about you not wanting your ils there but I think making a 'fake' date is just daft.

Having a C section is major surgery and anything can happen, I am not trying to scare You op but I think you really need to inform people when you are going in.

It sounds to me like your dp is pretty scared about it all.

Is he always so concerned about what his parents want?

If not-is it possible that they have hinted that they would like to be there?

Although even so, he doesn't have to run with it quite so vehemently!

Or does he want them there?

In which case, why doesn't he just bloody well say so??