Am I or is DH? Keeping our ELCS date a secret.

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm having an ELCS in a few months and me and DH know the date it is booked for. I have always said from the start that I'd like to keep the date a secret so that it is something just he and I share and that in the days leading up to it we aren't going to get stress/questions/attention from family members and friends about it. I'm nervous enough about the procedure without having other people turning it into a big deal and projecting their issues and thoughts on tome.

I said to my DH I want it to be that the first anyone knows about baby being born is when we ring them afterwards to tell them - I just want the experience of 'breaking the news', that enjoyment of telling people he's been born and hearing their reactions and feeling like there is some magic to it all. I don't want it to be that everyone knows he's coming on a particular date and so are pretty nonchalant about it when we make the call. I want his arrival to have some sense of excitement and unpredictability. DH was fine about it and when people have asked us when the CS is booked for we have given them a fake date

However, it came up in conversation yesterday again and it seems my DH misunderstood me and is under the impression that although we are giving out this fake date, on the actual morning of the CS we will ring his parents and tell them we are on our way to hospital to have it done. He told me his parents will be really, really upset if the birth is something we keep from them as it's nothing they have been part of before. He said his parents will want to be there with us. I explained that with an ELCS we will be on a ward, followed by theatre and followed by recovery - all areas where his parents can't be anyway!! I also explained that visiting hours aren't till 6pm at night so they couldn't see the baby until then anyway so why do they need to know first thing in the morning? Why can't we just tell them afterwards and excitedly break our news? He said they would probably want to book the day off work and just be at the hospital all day just to 'be there' when it's happening. WTH? Would anyone really do this?? Sit in a hospital canteen for 11 hours minimum with no guarantee they could even see the baby?? (I.e if I go to theatre late and don't come back from recovery until visiting hours have passed anyway).

Anyway, the conversation got a bit heated - but he is adamant they will be so, so upset if we 'keep it from them' I think he used the term 'lie to the ' until after the baby is born. I just think he's over reacting and turning this into some kind of drama that it doesn't have to be. It's not like I'm giving birth to Jesus Christ and it's going to be an amazing moment in history that can't be missed....

Me and DH are fine, we haven't fell out over it or anything but the issue has been left unresolved. He wants to tell his parents and I don't. I think he's going way OTT and he probably thinks I'm being unfair.

How come everybody else's feelings have to be taken into account - DH wants this, ILs might feel that - but the woman who has just had a baby, her feelings don't matter and she should just suck it up, not to upset anybody else?

a normal labour?? you are turning your impending birth into something that is abnormal then? I dont like the implication here.

Whilst a cs might not be the natural way to give birth interventions from minor to major at birth have become a y product of our advancement as a society - as with many other medical interventions.

Concetrate on meeting your baby and your after care. I really dont see the need for secrecy. It is your birth, you say who comes and when, when you feel ready. Same goes for when you get home.

"Ridiculous, you should not ever exclude one set of GPs. You either have visitors or you don't. What a selfish thing to say."

Oooh, I'm happy to be selfish, then.

Your own perogative I guess. Pretty horrible but each to their own.

ashamed - I meant 'normal' in terms of labour being unpredictable. Believe me, I know there's nothing abnormal about a CS it was just a bad phrase of term on my part I think - sorry if it caused any offence

In terms of being able to face one set of grandparents over the other, even though I wouldn't 'exclude' anyone, the true fact is that although I wouldn't mind my parents seeing me bleeding and oozing, having a catheter hanging out the end of the bed and my boobs out whilst I learn to breast feed, I don't think I'd want my PIL to see it....

Can't say I understand all the secrecy. However I also don't understand people crowding into a hospital to gawk at someone who's just had surgery either.

We told everyone DC1's section date but then I went into labour two days early anyway. It never even occurred to us that anyone would want to know about it all kicking off, particularly because it was the middle of the night! After he was born, my Dad and Grandad popped in to see him and MIL popped in later on. Short visits, no drama.

I wouldn't hide the date from anyone intentionally but anybody expressing even the idea of waiting there all day would be told not to very clearly. They should be asking, not telling you anything!

Yet I feel really shit that my parents visited in the afternoon & PILs the next day-not!

Ok I see OP

I used knowing the date to plan. I was clear about who would come in hospital. I found after having those initial moments in recovery room and on ward special. Then you have everyone elses visitors to see/hear, may as weel say when you want yours. I personally got the visiting to see DC's at the hospital. Then DH had the house all nice for u comming home and that was special - no visitors for a few days. Unless you are the type likes a busy house. I like the quiet to rest up and focus on LO and bf.

Sorry meant visiting at hospital over and done with so we could be left alone when we got home. Its noisey and busy at hospital anyway, even if you have a private room.

Not expecting you to feel shit diddl was just expressing that I think your attitude towards it being ok for one set on GPs to visit and not the other pretty selfish. however you are now saying that your PIL visited the following day so not quite the same as what your original post implied.

I don't think the Mums parents have right over Dads parents once we are into visiting hours. My Mum was my birthing partner so maybe that's why I wasn't bothered when my In-Laws visited first the next day.

Like I said it's each to their own.

My ILs hung around at the hospital and DH did pressure me to let them in - like clam said, it was 'just for a few minutes as they're here and they've been waiting ages'. I felt I had to agree as he was stressed with them pressuring him.
The midwives let them in when I was still in the recovery room, still bleeding heavily and sobbing with exhaustion. Lying in a short hospital gown with a sheet barely covering me and my blood still on the bed and floor, whilst my ILs got to hold DD (which I'd only been able to do for a few minutes because of a problem removing my placenta/stitches) and being told by FIL that I looked bloody awful (with all my ILs loudly agreeing) wasn't really what I wanted to do in the first few hours with newborn DD.

And I think there is a difference between parents and ILs - they're both equal grandparents I agree, but they are not equal in terms of the labouring woman. My ILs barely acknowledged me after either birth or asked about me - my mum was desperate to see her GC, but her primary concern was me. Maybe that's more of a reflection of my ILs view that I'm just an incubator for the precious 'their-surname' seed though

Oh chelvis - that sounds awful and I feel sad for you. It's exactly what I want to avoid.

Chelvis

My In-Law's brought me a post pregnancy hamper basket with loads of lovely things "to make me feel human again". I burst out crying because it was such a nice gesture.

I can see my views are clouded by the fact my PIL were lovely at the time shame it didn't last

I would tell your dh that dates, even c/s can be posponed at the last minute (too many emergencies etc.) or you go in first thing, and find you're last on the list and you really don't want your Ils waiting and worrying.

I would always advise not to tell people you're in labour, and I would think this is the same thing.

Well tbh, I wouldn't have felt guilty if I hadn't seen them so quickly.

I think that the patient gets to say who they see.

Like I said though, it's a unique situation in that if the mother doesn't feel up to seeing someone, that usally means that the someone doesn't get to see the baby.

Unless you're in a country where babies are in nurseries!

I went in to be induced on the Friday. Finally gave birth with emcs monday afternoon. My mother visited the following day (in laws live overseas). Bear in mind that any emcs will postpone your planned elcs so in-laws could have a long wait.

YANBU.

It made it a lot harder writer and you never get those first few hours back. I think you're doing the right thing - you can always ring them and say 'the baby's here! come visit', but it's very very hard to say 'please go home, we need a rest'. And don't rely on the midwives to back you up (IME anyway).

On a better note, with DH's FULL agreement, we didn't tell them the second time and had a fantastic birth, and an evening snuggling up as a family, then everyone visited the next day. The inlaws still barely acknowledged me, but at least I wasn't immediately post birth and so vulnerable, so I didn't give a shite frankly!

Ah well. I hope you had girls and therefor hopefully won't be in the position of a DIL prioritizing her own parents over you when it comes to seeing your DGC for 30 minutes.

And FWIW I personally think a Father should have a say too. I'm not suggesting inviting a football team to your beside only the man you love's parents to meet their new GC, I don't see the big deal. There a visiting hours, plenty of time to rest in between visits. I have a close relationship with my family and I had a close relationship with ExH family too and there is no way I would have excluded them.

We clearly won't agree.

YANBU. My DM and step father sat at the hospital all day & half the night too (I was booked in at 9am, didn't end up having the CS til 2.30pm due to emergencies, then spent 9 hrs in the HDU due to a bad reaction to the morphine) and although I wanted my DM to see the baby, I really got upset when my step father insisted on "popping up" for a moment to see us. I love him dearly but I didn't want anyone apart from DH and DM seeing me in such a wrecked pukey emotional state. Step father also texted the whole family to tell them our news, I know he was excited but it was something we'd wanted to keep to ourselves just for a few hours, so I know how you feel OP. I'd probably try & compromise by telling them the real date, but asking them not to come to the hospital until you say so.

Good luck with it though!

It's her day first and foremost, but it is also a day that a whole family gets a new member, as well as being the first day of a whole new persons life. Presumably OP won't be the only person ever to love and care for this new new family member, therefore she is not the only person that is going to have significant feelings around the birth

Bloody hell, it's not a wedding the op is the only one having major surgery,so yes she is the only one worthy of consideration.

Just a few things to bear in mind...

Our hospital doesn't allow use of mobile phones in recovery area, so DH had to go out to make calls and let people know. So don't bank on being able to call people yourself. I was in recovery all day despite an early op as no beds on the ward, so had visitors there (visiting times didn't seem to apply).

Initially you'll probably feel better than someone who has sweated thro hours of labour (in terms of tiredness & looking rough). You'll also bleed less as they clear most of it out during the op. Main issue is lack of mobility, and the catheter isn't that much fun either. After an initial attempt at feeding the baby slept & I had to wake her up later to get her to feed, so I wouldn't worry too much about having your boobs out if you have visitors on the first day.

Good luck & I hope you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

We only told my mum and dad and sister about my elcs with DS as they had to look after dd for us.

Dd was a preemie, emergency cs at 35 weeks and every very poorly. I was incredibly anxious about DS' delivery, with hindsight I had quite severe antenatal depression and was convinced he was going to stillborn or something would happen to him. I couldn't deal with people pestering us for news so we kept it secret and did the big 'surprise!' A few hours after he was delivered. It was nice!

My mum visited the first day, and DH and dd obviously. Nobody else, I couldn't have coped with anybody else. DH's parents live several hundred miles away, and mil is a complete nightmare. Maybe I'm heinously selfish for not telling them in advance, giving them the chance to camp in the premier inn next to the hospital and spend every minute of visiting hours driving me fucking bonkers and manhandling my baby when I was physically incapable of standing up to intervene. I disagree, I still think it was the most sensible decision I made about MY birth.

I have one of each, so if I have a DIL who treats me like shit, I'll deserve it, eh?

"And FWIW I personally think a Father should have a say too."

Yup-and my husband was happy to leave it up to me who I felt able to see.

We're all adults, and I'd expect ILs to understand that their (non existant) right to see their GC didn't trump my right to not see them whilst I was in hospital if I didn't want to!

Wow, just wow

I'm just going to ask my PIL if they'd mind if we kept the date a secret but then phoned them as soon as he's been born to break the news.

If they say they would be upset if we did this then I don't know what the next step will be....

I don't think PIL will mind at all but I think MIL may have an issue..