Am I or is DH? Keeping our ELCS date a secret.

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm having an ELCS in a few months and me and DH know the date it is booked for. I have always said from the start that I'd like to keep the date a secret so that it is something just he and I share and that in the days leading up to it we aren't going to get stress/questions/attention from family members and friends about it. I'm nervous enough about the procedure without having other people turning it into a big deal and projecting their issues and thoughts on tome.

I said to my DH I want it to be that the first anyone knows about baby being born is when we ring them afterwards to tell them - I just want the experience of 'breaking the news', that enjoyment of telling people he's been born and hearing their reactions and feeling like there is some magic to it all. I don't want it to be that everyone knows he's coming on a particular date and so are pretty nonchalant about it when we make the call. I want his arrival to have some sense of excitement and unpredictability. DH was fine about it and when people have asked us when the CS is booked for we have given them a fake date

However, it came up in conversation yesterday again and it seems my DH misunderstood me and is under the impression that although we are giving out this fake date, on the actual morning of the CS we will ring his parents and tell them we are on our way to hospital to have it done. He told me his parents will be really, really upset if the birth is something we keep from them as it's nothing they have been part of before. He said his parents will want to be there with us. I explained that with an ELCS we will be on a ward, followed by theatre and followed by recovery - all areas where his parents can't be anyway!! I also explained that visiting hours aren't till 6pm at night so they couldn't see the baby until then anyway so why do they need to know first thing in the morning? Why can't we just tell them afterwards and excitedly break our news? He said they would probably want to book the day off work and just be at the hospital all day just to 'be there' when it's happening. WTH? Would anyone really do this?? Sit in a hospital canteen for 11 hours minimum with no guarantee they could even see the baby?? (I.e if I go to theatre late and don't come back from recovery until visiting hours have passed anyway).

Anyway, the conversation got a bit heated - but he is adamant they will be so, so upset if we 'keep it from them' I think he used the term 'lie to the ' until after the baby is born. I just think he's over reacting and turning this into some kind of drama that it doesn't have to be. It's not like I'm giving birth to Jesus Christ and it's going to be an amazing moment in history that can't be missed....

Me and DH are fine, we haven't fell out over it or anything but the issue has been left unresolved. He wants to tell his parents and I don't. I think he's going way OTT and he probably thinks I'm being unfair.

YANBU. I had an EMCS with DS4 and DH thought it would be a good idea to tell my mum and dad when we knew it was happening (PIL already knew as they were looking after older DC). I was on the antenatal ward in a theatre gown, starving all day and really nervous. Having my mum ring every few hours asking for news nearly tipped me over the edge. In the end at 11pm I was told I was being bumped to the next day.

When DS4 was born he was taken to NICU and I couldn't see him for 6 hours. Visiting in NICU was parents and siblings only which I was very grateful for. My inlaws came after school (6 hours post cs) to drop the older 3 dc's off and stayed for a few minutes but I couldn't have managed any more than that. The next few days were really busy as I was expressing and shuffling back and forth to NICU. My mum kept texting me and asking when they could visit but I said no, which annoyed her. I was so tired and I was desperate for a shower.

Currently 17w pregnant and hoping for a vbac but I won't be telling anyone any dates beforehand. I'm also tempted to ring both sets of grandparents to break the news and then turn my phone off for a few days.

Op is it correct to say no one has actually said they will be waiting at the hospital? Is it just a kind of expectation of your dp?
Are you just pre empting the maybes?

It's lovely that he considers his parents- as long as he doesn't consider them to the detriment of OP!

And even if they saw OPs baby all day everyday, that's not going to make up for the lack of relationship with the other GC.

Although if they are abroad & see them once/twice a year, that's not so bad.

AF, but there is a middle ground, OP has already sensibly compromised.

I definitely don't want to upset DH so if telling his parents is what he really wants to do then I won't stop him, but, he needs to make it clear to them that if I'm not up for visitors then they need to accept that - and he has to support me in that too.

This is her husbands baby too you know! You are coming a cross as if you don't think any man has any right to say anything other than 'yes, dear' over the birth of their own child!

only - you are correct, hence why I'm so confused by my husband. The reason he wants to tell them the date is because he is convinced they will want to book the day off work and spend the whole day sitting and waiting at the hospital and that if we deny them the chance to do this then they'll be really, really upset.

I've told him that his thought process is bizarre and that of course his parents's wouldn't want to do that!! Therefore telling him that keeping the date a secret is no more of an issue now than it was when we first agreed to it.

He just got really huffy with me when I said I don't want anyone to know. But no, he's adamant his parents will want to be at the hospital and so we have to tell them.

It's a stale mate!

I'm just going to ask them if they would mind if we kept it a secret - cut out all this crap and the silly 'guessing game' that we have going on, and just see what they say. I don't think they will care at all to be honest.

Woo you must have missed the bit about how this bloke has made lots of prior important decisions around having this baby.

This one OP feels strongly about, and early on the thread she was talking herself out of tackling it. As always happens, there is now a widening of the debate about how much one should compromise when it is you that is going through a very scary and debilitating experience in order to keep other people happy.

I am not much of a people pleaser though, it has to be said.

This bloke??

The baby's Dad choosing the nursery decoration you mean?

Yes, we are talking about "this bloke" aren't we ?

or are we talking about another bloke ?

"But no, he's adamant his parents will want to be at the hospital and so we have to tell them."

How odd, because of course even if they did want to be at the hospital, you wouldn't have to tell them!

As adults, you decide what is best for you, not what you think someone else might want you to do.

Could you bypass your DH and talk straight to your ILs? Could you hint that you feel a bit disappointed that everyone knows your baby's birth date and that you're not going to be able to break the news as a surprise etc.? Then if they seem sympathetic tell them about the fake date and ask that they wait for a phone call! They can then feel special because only they know about the fake date, but you still get the surprise!

As someone who went overdue with all of my babies I know how stressful I found everyone ringing up to find out if "it's here yet" or the comments from everyone. I know no one meant to make me feel like that, but I felt more and more of a failure with each day! So I've already thought that in the unlikely event of another baby I would make up a fake due date for about three wekks later!

I'm sorry, haven't time to read the whole thread but just wanted to say I think that's a brilliant idea, and I wish we'd done that. The only people you could possibly want in your room straight after a c section are your partner and possibly your mum. Even on day two. Especially if you plan to beast feed. I love the idea of an exciting 'surprise' rather than a team waiting in assorted travelodge...

Hi OP - it must be driving you batty and in your shoes, I would just bite the bullet and tackle the subject in front of your IL's, that "DH has the mad idea that they are going to spend the day sitting in plastic chairs somewhere in the hospital all day given that your theatre appointment could be moved around whilly nilly!!".
I think it is far simpler to say, that you would prefer no visitors for the first 24 hours after major surgery so you can bond with your baby and get feeding established well. I wouldn't underestimate just how much time this can take with a baby who isn't a hungry monster

To me, it sounds as though your DH is bricking it slightly and would like their moral support. Have you talked about what will happen if your health issues mean that you and your baby are separated for a while after the birth? If you were seriously ill for a bit, it might be nice to have a family member on hand to sit cuddling your baby while your husband stays with you?
Depends on how close everyone lives to you obviously means that your own parents could be there quickly in an emergency but I wouldn't burn any bridges with best laid plans from bitter experience

Besides, if you have another you'll need someone to look after your PFB anyway so unfortunately the second time around there'll be little chance of keeping it all v quiet.

The fake date is silly really because they'll figure out you're not at home or responding to texts and then mither you by mobile.
What you need to do is take your DH out of the equation, sit down with your MIL explain that you've been told the date but that it might be moved and you've been told that you won't know when you're slot is due to staffing, emergency sections etc so it could be any time or might even be put back. Tell them that your health will be an issue in the first 24 hours so you probably won't be allowed visitors anyway so they can come and visit the next day if the staff think you're up to it. Your DH will phone when the baby has arrived.

Tell her you don't want the added pressure of worrying about other people being disappointed. Put some emphasis on how men don't really understand these things but she will. I bet she will be extremely understanding. I have eventually learnt if I want to tell my inlaws something I need to do it myself. My DH always manages to balls it up somehow.

I didn't want anyone but DH with me immediately after my CS, and it went as smoothly as these things ever go. It's such a massive event, having some recovery time is hardly unreasonable. It was so quick, one minute having the anaesthetic and the next minute 'It's a girl' and being handed a slimy baby.

I remember just needing to lie there processing what had just happened, and getting to know DD (and let's face it, it must have been an even bigger shock for her. I wanted to keep her close and quiet for a good while too). I was very shaky and vomited as well.

The hanging around in the canteen could be an added pressure too. Pressure on DH to go and see them, to be ducking out of the room to ring and update them, and then of course the pressure to let them visit because they have been there all day. Don't underestimate the possible effect of that.

I was in hospital for a week before my CS and the increasingly stressy phone calls from my mother (to whom I am very close) got very wearing.

The point is, you do not know how you will feel or how things will go, so it is entirely right to say, no visitors, and no hanging around. Manage expectations now by saying that, then if you are actually full of the joys of spring afterwards you can get people to come and see you. If you speak to your PIL be kind but really really frank about how the nagging about your ELCS date has made you feel and how very much you need to feel calm and in control.

Some have said "your baby, your choice". As if your DH is just a spare part and had nothing to do with conception?! Such a sexist outlook. I don't feel you're wrong at all re.secret date OP. I can understand why. I do, however, feel you're being a bit precious. & your in-laws wanting to be at hospial for hours doesn't make them mad - just happy & excited. Its a time when being rational can go out of the window. Why are you judging them? It sounds unkind. At least they're interested, I've seen posts on here where in-laws don't give a shit

Hopefully you & DH can reach a 1/2 way compromise. You may be 'buoyed up' by the comments on here but its better to ask yourself if its an argument worth having. Compromise doesn't mean defeat.

Mistress "& your in-laws wanting to be at hospital for hours doesn't make them mad - just happy & excited. Why are you judging them, it sounds unkind"

This sitting around for hours is what my husband is presuming they will want to do and that to deny them this opportunity would really, really, really upset them. This is his reasoning for why they NEED to know the date of the ELCS"

I actually think that sitting around in a hospital for 10 hours is the LAST thing they will want to do!!!

Yanbu.

We did the fake date thing, told everybody, including both sets of parents, that the cs was on the Monday when in fact it was on the Friday.

As for people saying it's selfish or attention seeking, that's rubbish. We decided not to tell anyone the correct date because we knew they'd worry beforehand, knew they'd worry whilst we were in hospital, waiting to hear something. I think, op, with your health issues already, it's much kinder to let everyone carry on with their day as normal and then get a phone call with the wonderful news!

Also, if you have to have an elcs, you do get that moment of surprise taken away from you if everyone knows the date. We really wanted to surprise everyone still and announce the birth when we wanted to.

I'd try and impress upon your dh that you really don't want anyone worrying about you so you'd rather stick with the fake date and worry about visitors afterwards. When I had my elcs, both sets of parents lived miles away so we didn't have any visitors on the first night. I was so happy and proud of my dc that I'd have loved to show him off, even though I couldn't move very well and was still in a lot of pain.

Visiting hours are usually pretty short so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

Good luck with everything

Hi there,another one who doesn't understand the secrecy it was like a revolving door for visitors when i had mine and I slept through most of it!
Would you consider sitting down with your il's and discussing it like adults? Tell them the real date but explain your not sure if you will be allowed visitors on same day and that you will let them know when they can come? Maybe mention that they will be first on the list to sweeten them up ha.
They may be a little anxious considering their experience with grandchildren so far and this may make them feel involved and trusted that you have told them the real date.
Babies are brilliant at bringing people together and this could be the start of a great relationship between you,your pils and your lo.

What a shame you told them you had a date at all! You could easily have said you'll know nearer the time. Now it's all absurdly complicated.

Why don't you make an appointment with the MW for you and your DH to discuss the issue? He seems to be unaware of how serious an operation it is and how important it is for both you and the baby to have the experience you want. It might help him too to understand that ob the day itself there might be hours and hours of waiting around before anything happens at all.

I don't think you can control when he tells his parents, but you do have the right to expect him to abide by your wishes wrt visitors and make it clear to them that they should stay at home and wait to be invited.

Well I suppose the clincher is, would your dh be happy for your parents to be hanging around outside when he's in having a major operation on his nether regions, and planning on whooping in whilst he's in recovery to make polite conversation? If he'd like to "wait and see how he feels on the day," then I would say your argument is won.

But there can really only be one objective on his part for wanting them there, and that is for him to invite them in as soon as humanly possible after you've given birth, in order to make up for their long, dull wait. Or to keep rushing away from your side to check they're OK and give them updates. Don't underestimate the pressure you might be put under to go along with this. I would think it's highly unlikely that he'd just say, "actually, sorry, but wannabe's a bit tired so come back tomorrow." It'll be "oh, it's only for a few minutes," and you'll feel a right heel for saying wanting to say no.

"Some have said "your baby, your choice". As if your DH is just a spare part "

I think having just given birth is a unique situation though in that you might not feel up to visitors & equally you might not want to be parted from the nwborn that you've just had.
And of course you might be able to face your own parents from a hospital bed, but not your ILs.

You could always suggest to your DH that when he has a section he can do it his way, but for you, you would rather do it your way.

After all, he wouldn't want you to be puking up over his dp's, would he?

Reading through the last few comments I would definitely speak to his parents myself at the first oportunity. Preferably with him present, but with you leading the discussion and making your feelings clear.

I agree with clam. I feel it is unfair of him to pressurise you over this.

And of course you might be able to face your own parents from a hospital bed, but not your ILs.

Ridiculous, you should not ever exclude one set of GPs. You either have visitors or you don't. What a selfish thing to say.