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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my dc if we can't afford to do something?

67 replies

Abc000 · 26/01/2014 16:19

If my kids ask for something or to do something (whether it be going out for dinner, to the cinema or off on holiday), and its a no I will give them the honest reason.

Sometimes the honest reason is not today we don't have the funds available.

My mum heard me respond like this, and said (when the kids weren't around not in front of them) that I should lie and say anything other than allow the kids to worry about money. I don't think I should as I think it's realistic for the kids to realise there's only so much money in the kitty.

If I don't want to buy them x or don't want to go somewhere, I will say I don't. I don't use lack of money as an excuse when it's not the reason for doing something, but by the same token I don't think I shouldn't use it as the reason when it is.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Beamur · 26/01/2014 16:21

YANBU I think giving kids a sense of financial responsibility from a fairly early age is no bad thing.
My DD wants to go to Disneyland...I've said we can't go for a few years (if at all...) as it's very expensive and we'd have to save up for it.

DragonMamma · 26/01/2014 16:23

If YABU then I am too.

I don't want my DC growing up thinking there's endless pots of money and we can just keep taking money out of the magic hole in the wall.

FredFredGeorge · 26/01/2014 16:23

your mum is bonkers, unless she's secretly got billions tied away and is going to give untold wealth to your kids so they genuinely never do need to "worry" about it.

vestandknickers · 26/01/2014 16:24

I think children should understand that money is limited sometimes and that if you want to do nice things you need to save up. You're not doing them any favours if they think they grow up thinking money grows on trees!

HoratiaDrelincourt · 26/01/2014 16:28

Saying you can't afford something relatively cheap can worry children who don't understand about financial priorities ("oh no, mum hasn't even got £3 for a comic... we must be so poor") but if you contextualise that after you've paid the mortgage and the bills and bought groceries and put a downpayment on the holiday you haven't got lots of leftover money for things like comics... well that's about financial prudence rather than immediate means.

AwfulMaureen · 26/01/2014 16:28

I struggle with this too. My childhood was quite poor. Was your Mum's?

qazxc · 26/01/2014 16:36

YANBU, children should understand about money and budgetting.

emptychair · 26/01/2014 16:39

YANBU. If we can't do something because we don't have enough money, I tell my DC exactly why. They need to know money doesn't grow on trees.

Original poster
Abc000 · 26/01/2014 16:42

AwfulMaureen interesting question

My mum's childhood was very poor

My childhood was no money worries at all (or not that she told me about :) ) (private school 3 exotic holidays every year new car every two years etc)

My children's childhood is inbetween the two.

OP posts:
RufusTheReindeer · 26/01/2014 16:50

Yanbu but I would echo horatias comment

My 10 year old got himself confused this Christmas when I told him that £20 was a lot of money

All he put on his Christmas list was a £1.20 pack of sweets,

I had to sit down with my children after I spent £100 on a day at the cinema (inc lunch), it was an extra special treat but they were very blasé about it. They rethought once we worked out how much I would need to work to pay for that and how long their dad would have to work

Children need a grasp of money, how it works and how long it can take to get it!!!!

Starballbunny · 26/01/2014 16:52

YANBU, I was always brought up to realise our household worked, just, with sensible budgeting.

My DDs are luckier the cut off for sensible includes eating out, holidays and a more relaxed attitude to clothes and goodies on shopping trips. However, they know it doesn't extend to the USA every year, Centre parks in half term, fancy new cars or private school. (DD1 would love to join her BF, but she realises mortgage and no rich grandparents get in the way).

TulipOHare · 26/01/2014 16:53

YANBU, my DC hear it a lot! One of DS's first phrases was "it's too spensive!"

I make sure they know we are fortunate in that we have enough for the rent and plenty of good food and occasional treats. We don't have enough to buy our own house, go on foreign holidays or have the latest gadgets. They know that some people have more than us and some have less and some have a lot less.

I'm fairly sure they are not worried about it.

Abbierhodes · 26/01/2014 16:54

I think 2 issues are getting confused here. I agree with all the posters saying that children need to know the value of money, of course they do. But worrying them is a different matter.

Starballbunny · 26/01/2014 16:56

A DF said her DD got a far more realistic idea of money, when designer sports wear was turned into hours she'd need to spend behind her till in Woolworth's. Her DM said her taste in clothes changed very rapidly to relaxed hippy stuff from the market, when she was paying.

Her DM had a very big one of these Grin

mrsjay · 26/01/2014 17:01

yanbu you dont need to go into the whys and what fors but children need to know that money funds nice things and if you have not got the money then they need to know you are doing nothing wrong

FootieOnTheTelly · 26/01/2014 17:02

I am always honest about this type of thing. I can't think of any reason why you wouldn't. My DCs are at Uni and are all thrifty Smile I am proud that they don't waste money even though they could afford to.

mrsjay · 26/01/2014 17:04

dd1 is earning but god can she save she is fabulous at it so I think it pays off in the long run that they know things and stuff is not readily available

MatildaWhispers · 26/01/2014 17:05

Yanbu, I also tell mine when we can't afford something. And when we can afford to do something, I often link the fact that we can afford to do X to the fact that I work part time.

hollyhunter · 26/01/2014 17:05

now i have a different take on this. we have been giving dd £5 pocket money per week, since she was 5.

now that sounds a lot and it IS a lot but its taught her some really good lessons. she was a very spoilt child, had everything she asked for and i realised we werent doing her any favours, so anything she wanted had to come out of the £5. if she wanted a pack of sweets from the vending machine then she had to pick the right money out of her purse to pay, a 50p and a 20p and if she didnt have it then she didnt get the sweets.

over the years she has saved quite a bit and has bought herself an xbox and a tablet. now these are quite expensive and there have been times when she has said... i really want that magasine but if i get it then i'll have to wait an extra week for my [saved item]

now for me thats the key. whats the difference between saving for a mortage or a car or a tablet? Wants have to be managed.

she knows that we are not poor, but she knows that her requests have to be limited to within her pocket money. she still gets birthday pressents she knows whats what.

specialsubject · 26/01/2014 17:07

FFS, be honest. Tell them that you have money for the important things (food, shelter, clothes, getting them to school etc) but there isn't always money for very expensive treats.

this hopefully means that when they get expensive stuff, they look after it.

frugalfuzzpig · 26/01/2014 17:07

YANBU, keeping DCs totally in the dark would not be helpful in the long run.

There's a big difference between saying "sorry we can't afford that" and burdening DCs with "OMG we are going to lose our house/have bailiffs/starve" etc.

NicknameIncomplete · 26/01/2014 17:08

I am very open and honest with my dd.

She knows that sometimes I dont have money to spend on non essentials.

My mum never discussed money when we were growing up and i think it made it hard to control my spending when I first moved out.

redskyatnight · 26/01/2014 17:08

I think it's reasonable to say you can't afford something, but think this should be tempered by some sort of explanation of why this is (temporary due to having to pay out for new boiler, long term because DH lost his job, actually you could afford it but think it's waste of money/other better things to spend money on).

My parents always told me we couldn't afford things (and it generally meant they didn't want to waste their money on them). I grew up thinking we must be very poor and doing without rather than ask for stuff (think vital things for school, asking to do after school clubs I really wanted to do). As an adult looking back I realise that my parents were not poor, they were just particular as to where their money went. They would have happily have paid for a lot of the stuff they thought they couldn't ask me for.

steff13 · 26/01/2014 17:11

I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP. Kids need to learn that money is finite, and it's important to teach them about budgeting and saving and generally how to handle money.

We don't tell our kids we can't afford things, but we do tell them it's not in the budget. We are trying to get out of debt, so our money is budgeted very tightly. We do budget for things like entertainment and dining out, but when that money is gone, it's gone until next month. They have their allowances that they can spend however they wish, so when they want something extra, we always remind them that's what their allowance is for.

bodygoingsouth · 26/01/2014 17:11

my 14 year old dd told me yesterday that the sizable pot of Christmas money she hoards away shouldn't be expected to be spent on things like a costa hot chocolate as that was food/drink and we should provide her with those basics.

bless good try dear.

op you are quite right. as long as you don't worry them too much then they need to know there's not a money tree.