to tell my dc if we can't afford to do something?

[Abc000]

If my kids ask for something or to do something (whether it be going out for dinner, to the cinema or off on holiday), and its a no I will give them the honest reason.

Sometimes the honest reason is not today we don't have the funds available.

My mum heard me respond like this, and said (when the kids weren't around not in front of them) that I should lie and say anything other than allow the kids to worry about money. I don't think I should as I think it's realistic for the kids to realise there's only so much money in the kitty.

If I don't want to buy them x or don't want to go somewhere, I will say I don't. I don't use lack of money as an excuse when it's not the reason for doing something, but by the same token I don't think I shouldn't use it as the reason when it is.

AIBU?

Is it because talking about money is vulgar?

Well I am poor, I'm a single mum and yes I work but most of my wages go on rent and CT.

When my dc whinge about what's for dinner and want to go out I explain there's no spare money this month after I've paid for Christmas and birthday parties.

When I can't afford to do something I say I can't afford it this month ask again on pay day.

I explain if they do well at school they won't have to lug heavy bags home as they will be able to afford a car.

My dc really appreciate what they have and just because I'm broke most of the time doesn't mean they miss out. I hope they don't worry until this thread I wouldn't of thought about if they would think about it that hard or not. I don't think they do with the amount of crap they still ask me for.

I don't think it's wrong at all to be honest with your children. It's got nothing to do with treating them like a friend as another poster said. If you are sitting there crying about the state of your finances in front of them, then obviously that's not appropriate, but when they are asking for toy number 20,000 or trips here, there and everywhere, it's fine to let them know there isn't an endless pot of money.

My son thinks we are poor because we don't have an iPhone 5!

Children don't need to worry about money, but it's no bad thing to know that money isn't unlimited and you have to work for it.

I never felt insecure that we'd end up hungry and homeless as a child, but I did understand that there wasn't a lot of money for treats and extras so for example I never brought home letters from school about ski trips - I knew it wasn't affordable. I also remember understanding quite early on that some things were going on a credit card and that would have to be owed back later.

I'm quite upfront with my children, I wonder if that's correct now. Some months are tighter than others and while I don't go into detail about how I am having difficulty making the rent, I might say, 'I'm not buying extras this week, sorry, can't afford it'. Now I feel bad about it. But other months they know we can go out to eat or buy some items.

But I do feel bad that our tight budget is even on their radar, I just can't think of any lies if they ask for stuff!

YAB supremely R.

I was frankly a little spoiled growing up - financially, we were comfortable enough, and my mum did a lot to try and instil an idea of the value of money into me, but my dad enjoyed spending money on his kids and took the attitude of "if the money's there, may as well use it if there's something she wants". So I grew up knowing that Dad would always bail me out if I needed it.

This translated to me doing things I am now distinctly ashamed of eg taking the money I'd saved for university through working during my gap year, and blowing a very considerable proportion of it on a holiday in Greece (obviously Dad knew I was going, but he thought I'd be staying cheaply with my sister in Athens the whole time, rather than touring the islands and staying in hotels) - safe in the knowledge that after some token grovelling, Dad would bring forth his ever-reliable chequebook to cover my rent.

As an adult, I've now outgrown this pov and am now fiercely independent about earning my own money and contributing to the household finances. But my lovely, well intentioned, soft hearted Dad unfortunately probably hindered rather than helped me in this regard.

I don't feel bad my dc know I can't always afford extras.

They do have treats, they do do clubs and out of school activities, we have a holiday every year and they have a room stuffed full of clothes and toys.

I think not letting dc know they can't have anything they want because its expensive is worse and you could end up with very entitled teens wanting £100 tops and £200 Jordan's.

My dc know if there's something they desperately want that's expensive they have to save or wait for Christmas or birthday to ask. I'm glad we can go into a shop and they wouldn't even think to ask for something.

Haven't read the full thread, but my only issue with telling DCs something is too expensive is that if you had significantly more money - won the lottery or something - they would never hear that kind of response again.

I'd swap "we can't afford it" for "it costs £X and we'd rather spend that on [family holiday], etc" - relates back to the cost without the potential for unnecessary worry. And tells them that even if you did have the money to spend, you wouldn't necessarily spend it...

:)

I don't think YABU at all: it's what I am already trying to do with DS. He's a bit small to understand money - not three yet - but I'm trying to explain that if we buy a comic one day we can't just buy one the next day as well etc etc

We say there's no money for x in the budget this week.

They don't seem concerned! Although dd1 gets aggrieved if she feels ds has got something she hasn't...

I wouldn't tell them I couldn't afford something. I suffer from terrible anxiety and remember when my parents went through a tough time financially...I worried endlessly about it as a child...it was horrid.

how many of you pass on your childs cast off clothing to charity shops for people who cant afford new?

how many of you take your kids to shop for clothes in charity shops?

becuase it is a gamechanger. My dd knows that there are children less well off than us, she is happy to pass on clothes and toys that she had grown out of.

i have taken her shopping in the charity shops. the look on our faces when we find a real bargain. the real bargains are somehting she would like and knows that its x amount new and then gets it for a fiver.

we discuss what the difference is between new and charity shop, and becuase she sends stuff there she knows that there isnt a stigma attached to it. often the boxes are opened or a corner is turned down on a book

thats a good lesson about the value of money.

Her birthday is November and we always make her wait till jan so that she will get more for her money. thats teaching her supply and demand.

yanbu. Children should understand that things cost money, and people have to work to get it. You can phrase it in a way that they aren't worried. It also depends on your values regarding materialism and consumerism and deferred gratification. My 3 yo said to her friend yesterday 'just because you want something doesn't mean you can have it' and I felt weirdly proud!

I tell them too.

My parents were not badly off, but all the time we were on an "economy drive". So no having a snack at a cafe. We walked miles to avoid having to pay for car packing. A day out was somewhere free, and nothing from the gift shop. We were never allowed a cornetto because they cost 10 bob (!) (everyone else calls that 50p except df). Dm would make do the nearest cheap equivalent she could find for any "uniform" type thing (eg guides etc.)-and we almost never had the "real" item we needed and only the compulsory stuff. We ate dinner in sub-dark/got up to no heating/telephone was only after 6pm and timed....

So I've slightly gone the other way. If I went to town the dc would be allowed a small snack. If they have a good argument for something in town I'll consider it. We do days out to places that you have to pay for entry, and I'll let them have something in the gift shop. And I tend to go overboard in making sure the dc have any item of non-compulsory uniform available.

Then we looked at our finances and realised we were not breaking even each month. So I was talking with the children (13, 10, 6) one day and casually mentioned that we were going to have to be careful, and not that we couldn't ever do these things, just that they couldn't expect it every time.
They've been very good about it. Sometimes if they want something I would have paid for, they ask to use their pocketmoney (something else we didn't have growing up) and I will let them.
I did tell them that "we can't afford" means (for us) that "we choose not to spend our money on that". It means when I say "no," to things they say "that's okay, maybe next time?" rather than a moan. I think it's better they realise that it isn't just being mean saying no, it's looking at the bigger picture.
It has also helped them realise that money isn't infinite. Sometimes they'll say "if we walk rather than bus (1hr walk) could we have a snack" or "I really want a drink, can I pay half?" so it's got them to take some responsibility for money.
I think they're also appreciating more when they have these things.

My SIL actually lets her 4yo DD pay for small things in shops with cash, which I think helps her to understand the value of things. I remember getting my first ever pocket money (50p) when I was little, as we were in a 50p-or-£1-shop (back in the day!!) and spending it on a toy, and then feeling dreadful for days as I'd spent it all in one go on one thing and didn't have any money left... I treated the next week's 50p as if it was solid gold

So YANBU, I think helping them understand (to whatever degree works for your family) is way better than letting them think you are just being mean and it's not fair...